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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is sulking over sex

443 replies

erin48 · 29/09/2021 22:05

This is so embarrassing to post as I feel like I'm in the wrong here but I need some opinions.

DH loves blowjobs, I don't hate them, don't enjoy them but I will do it because he enjoys it.

The last few months have been difficult. I had an early miscarriage (DH was nothing but supportive during this time). Then he has been completely wiped out with covid for the past 2 weeks.

Due to being double vaccinated, I am still working, my boss and colleagues are aware he has it. He's been sleeping in the spare room and contact has been minimal.

Then, my uncle died unexpectedly Monday night, I received the sad news on Tuesday morning.

Today, on our temperature check upon entrance into the office mine was a little high and I'd woke up with a headache. My boss told me to keep an eye on my temperature and 2 hours later, it was flashing amber with a temperature of 38.7. My boss sent me home and asked for me to have a test done ASAP. I went straight to the local drive through test centre and I am waiting for results.

His first reaction to this was "you can't not work for 10 days, we can't lose the money". Then tonight he's got out of the shower and asked me for a blow job knowing that since about 5pm I've had a sore throat and feel shivery. I said no, now he's sulking and has ruined our evening catching up on a couple of tv shows we watch together.

I said to him "I feel rough" and he said "we don't have to have sex we can do other things you know" in a shitty tone.

My uncle has passed away unexpectedly, DH has had covid so I've been doing everything whilst he has been wiped out with it and now I suspect my test is going to come back positive, I feel fluey and do not want to have sex or give him a blow job! I'm not in the mood and I feel shite, mentally and physically.

He does this every now and then as I suspect he's not happy with the amount he gets.

How do I handle this? He always has a smart arse response ready for when I try and defend myself.

OP posts:
CityMumma78 · 30/09/2021 08:07

That is absolutely disgusting behaviour and I’d be livid with my DH if he spoke to me like a prostitute! It would put me off him instantly. If you don’t like BJs then you are not obliged to give them. Sulking makes him even more of a shit!

Practicebeingpatient · 30/09/2021 08:07

As other people have said you don't need an excuse for not wanting sex or to give your DH a blowjob. You don't need a long list of justifications either. You don't need to explain yourself. Just the fact that you don't want to is more than enough.

This isn't necessarily a lost cause. As a one time couples therapist I sometimes came across people where one partner (and not always the man) would take the rejection of sex as a massive personal rejection of themselves and would sulk or act out when it happened. This would turn off the other partner who would retreat from sex even further and it became a vicious circle. In situations where there was mutual will for reconciliation, counselling was very helpful to those couples. Would you and your partner consider that? 0r is this the tip of an iceberg where deep down you know the two of you are fundamentally incompatible?

skodadoda · 30/09/2021 08:12

OP, if you have children with this excuse for a man this behaviour will get worse because he will resent the attention you have to give to a child.

RealBecca · 30/09/2021 08:12

Theres two issues. The demand for blowjobs and the sulking.

Sorry to ask as its really insensitive but a genuine quesion, how do you think this situation would have worked if you had children now? Who would he looking after them when he sulks? When hes sick? When you're sick? Xxx

TreadLightly3 · 30/09/2021 08:12

@StormTreader

His sexual release does not require you to be present, and saying mentioning your uncles death was a "low blow" sounds rather like he's saying you're looking for excuses - newsflash for him, his sexual gratification is not an obligation that you have to ask permission to be excused from.
This is spot on
catfunk · 30/09/2021 08:13

You don't need a reason not to suck his dick.
H s a pig.

Sushiii · 30/09/2021 08:15

My ex was a sulker about sex. He had no respect for me so I lost all respect for him. I left. Don't put up with being treated like this, you deserve better ThanksBrew

DeepDown12 · 30/09/2021 08:17

What stood out for me is that you feel like you need to provide an explanation to us as well as him as to why you don't feel like giving him a BJ. All the stuff you mentioned - your uncle's death (very sorry!), your fever and sore throat - are good reasons but you don't really need any. You are allowed to just not feel like it, even if it is the best day of your life. And he's an a*hole if he doesn't understand that.

Irish993 · 30/09/2021 08:18

This is controlling and abusive. I've had partners in the past who have done this in this exact way and they always snap. I love giving blowjobs, but I'm not always in the mood. If my DH behaved like this we would be in war talks. The sulking is manipulative and the thoughtlessness is a massive red flag. I know you can't sack off a relationship for this one thing, but I would start calling him on all of his shit. His reaction should determine the direction of the relationship. If he still gives you nothing but aggression, that's a sign to reconsider your relationship.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/09/2021 08:27

To answer a few posts, it is like he's a completely different man when it comes to when he wants sex. We have always had a healthy sex life but when he wants sex/intimacy of the sexual sort like a random blowjob, he does sulk when I say no.

He's not a completely different person about sex. He's exactly the same person and this is who he is. He is a man who believes he is entitled to fuck your orifices whenever he wants whether you want to or not, whether you're aroused or not, and if you don't let him he punishes you. Is that a good and kind man? So many women with abusive men separate out their 'nice side ' from their 'abusive side' which is the only way they can stay because otherwise they would have to accept that the nice man is an abuser and doesn't really exist. Yours is not a nice man.

SquareYellow · 30/09/2021 08:30

@erin48 my DH has never randomly asked me for a blow job, like he’s never requested a cup of tea! That’s seriously off behaviour. Normal when you are being intimate but not when requested, that’s just off.
I know you said he’s usually wonderful, but being a dick 1% of the time wipes out being super nice 99% of the time sorry. A few other things you’ve said make him sound not the nicest.
Tell him the same, you are ill and can’t load the dishwasher etc and need looking after. If he doesn’t then you have your answer about your relationship. You are still young, please don’t think you have to stay with him.

Very sorry about your miscarriages and your uncle.

HereticFanjo · 30/09/2021 08:33

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

To answer a few posts, it is like he's a completely different man when it comes to when he wants sex. We have always had a healthy sex life but when he wants sex/intimacy of the sexual sort like a random blowjob, he does sulk when I say no.

He's not a completely different person about sex. He's exactly the same person and this is who he is. He is a man who believes he is entitled to fuck your orifices whenever he wants whether you want to or not, whether you're aroused or not, and if you don't let him he punishes you. Is that a good and kind man? So many women with abusive men separate out their 'nice side ' from their 'abusive side' which is the only way they can stay because otherwise they would have to accept that the nice man is an abuser and doesn't really exist. Yours is not a nice man.

This.
sbhydrogen · 30/09/2021 08:33

Tell him he can suck his own dick.

Ugzbugz · 30/09/2021 08:49

I don't think your marriage will survive a baby when you will probably be off sex for a while.

Why would you want to give him a blow job feeling so rough? I hate men.

Pottedpalm · 30/09/2021 08:53

He is a knob.

Toomanyradishes · 30/09/2021 08:55

So he is allowed to be off sick but you arent, im guessing he did not pleasure you when he was ill but is now demanding blow jobs, im also assuming that if his relative died there would be an expectation of sympathy? Does he actually see you as a person any more or just as a one dimensional automotan who is there to bring in money, nurse him, give him blow jobs and do absolutely nothing that would disrupt his life or expect him to exert himself physically or emotionally?

Hopeisallineed · 30/09/2021 08:58

I think @CloseYourEyesAndSee is right sadly.

TintinIsBack · 30/09/2021 09:00

I think you know it’s not ok.

But seriously, if you stay with him and get pregnant, I can’t I angine how he is going to cope with it. You know with a newborn/baby, a wife that is exhausted and him still having his WANTS for sex/blowjob.
He is already treating you like a sex doll when it suits him. It would only get worse if you had a child in the mix

DressBitch · 30/09/2021 09:03

When he sulks about it, it pushes me even further away and I'd rather him sulk than me lower my self worth and do it.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Immaculatemisconception · 30/09/2021 09:05

When he sulks about it, it pushes me even further away and I'd rather him sulk than me lower my self worth and do it.

Whilst you are right to do that, who wants to live with a sulky, sex pest? Yuk.

VeganCheesePlease · 30/09/2021 09:09

I don't think the issue is him asking you while you're sick, it's that he thinks he can demand this and you can't say no. Honestly I'd let him sulk but then I would have a talk about this because this is in itself wrong. We have ALL been in the mood when our partner isn't, he can enjoy a nice solo hot shower or bath, not demand sex!

Sexnotgender · 30/09/2021 09:09

You deserve so much better.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/09/2021 09:12

He's a silky sex pest. Yuck. I hope he listens today.

Alonelonelyloner · 30/09/2021 09:13

Gawd, this man sounds absolutely fucking awful frankly.
Sulking because your sick, exhausted (after looking after you for a fortnight and working full time) wife won't give you a blowjob? Oh and she is grieving too. Really? I wouldn't be bothering with the chat TBH, as he does this generally. I would only be bothering with the chat to tell him that you will be filing for divorce if he does this shit again.

moofolk · 30/09/2021 09:15

Essentially he thinks that he has more right to your body than you do.

Wanting sex from an unwilling partner is rapey af.

He's abusive and has no respect for you.

LTB