Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is sulking over sex

443 replies

erin48 · 29/09/2021 22:05

This is so embarrassing to post as I feel like I'm in the wrong here but I need some opinions.

DH loves blowjobs, I don't hate them, don't enjoy them but I will do it because he enjoys it.

The last few months have been difficult. I had an early miscarriage (DH was nothing but supportive during this time). Then he has been completely wiped out with covid for the past 2 weeks.

Due to being double vaccinated, I am still working, my boss and colleagues are aware he has it. He's been sleeping in the spare room and contact has been minimal.

Then, my uncle died unexpectedly Monday night, I received the sad news on Tuesday morning.

Today, on our temperature check upon entrance into the office mine was a little high and I'd woke up with a headache. My boss told me to keep an eye on my temperature and 2 hours later, it was flashing amber with a temperature of 38.7. My boss sent me home and asked for me to have a test done ASAP. I went straight to the local drive through test centre and I am waiting for results.

His first reaction to this was "you can't not work for 10 days, we can't lose the money". Then tonight he's got out of the shower and asked me for a blow job knowing that since about 5pm I've had a sore throat and feel shivery. I said no, now he's sulking and has ruined our evening catching up on a couple of tv shows we watch together.

I said to him "I feel rough" and he said "we don't have to have sex we can do other things you know" in a shitty tone.

My uncle has passed away unexpectedly, DH has had covid so I've been doing everything whilst he has been wiped out with it and now I suspect my test is going to come back positive, I feel fluey and do not want to have sex or give him a blow job! I'm not in the mood and I feel shite, mentally and physically.

He does this every now and then as I suspect he's not happy with the amount he gets.

How do I handle this? He always has a smart arse response ready for when I try and defend myself.

OP posts:
cansu · 30/09/2021 07:11

This would actually change my feelings about doing stuff to make him happy full stop. Tell him to fuck off. You don't want to and that should be enough. Unbelievable.

Tal45 · 30/09/2021 07:15

Sulking is passive aggressive behaviour, totally pathetic in a grown man. The expectation that you will give out bj's on demand no matter how you feel, on top of the expectation that you will work no matter how ill you are suggests that he is a selfish and entitled prick.

HarrisMcCoo · 30/09/2021 07:17

Buy him a blow up doll and let him get on with it. What a man child!

Worldwide2 · 30/09/2021 07:18

I would actually never give him one ever again. I would leave him to sulk like a massive man child. When he next eventually demands one I would say no not after your pathetic sulking last time and how you treated me over it when I was ill and going through a bereavement. So no no more from me. Sulk forever for all I care. Carry on about your day.

MistyFrequencies · 30/09/2021 07:18

It's very rapey to want your partner to engage in any kind of sexual activity that they don't want to.
He's gross.
I'd never suck his cock again.

HarrisMcCoo · 30/09/2021 07:18

I hope you feel better soon 💐

Quartz2208 · 30/09/2021 07:19

Oh OP I could have predicted you got together as teenagers because you still seem stuck with a teenage boy whose needs are prioritised ahead of your own and havent moved on

So how come he could stay off work but the minute you cant you need the money

and he never should have asked. This isnt normal in a relationship

SunshineCake1 · 30/09/2021 07:22

@bubblebath62636

Why did you marry this creep? He has no respect for you.

You're not a blow up doll, tell him to fuck off.

And besides what grown man asks for a BJ?

LTB

Don't act stupid. He obviously wasn't like this before. If you can't be pleasant and try and be supportive I suggest you find something to do off the site.
pictish · 30/09/2021 07:27

@Tal45

Sulking is passive aggressive behaviour, totally pathetic in a grown man. The expectation that you will give out bj's on demand no matter how you feel, on top of the expectation that you will work no matter how ill you are suggests that he is a selfish and entitled prick.
Exactly.
Offmyfence · 30/09/2021 07:28

@SneakyCucumberAction

Actually we are only hearng one side of the story in this relationship. And this is possibly intentional on behalf of the OP. Yes the husband appears to be demanding of sexual services at the most inopportune times, but how do we not know that this is a pattern with this couple. How do we know that the OP doesn't enjoy and demand cunnilingus in equal measures? We don't. If you both like to pleasure each other and have a 'pattern' then do it. Otherwise I don't see the point of your post.
You don't really believe that do you?
Rainbowheart1 · 30/09/2021 07:29

But your ill. Who wants any type of sex when their ill!?

NapoleonOzmolysis · 30/09/2021 07:30

apparently when you have covid you cannot put your lunch stuff in the dishwasher or your laundry in the laundry basket

Yes when you have Covid, you are expected to

  • give him every blow job he demands, when he demands it
  • continue to go to work because he wants your money
  • not "bore" him with talk of your uncle's death, or enthusiastic consent or anything important to you

And I would bet money that when you have covid you are also expected to put your (and his) lunch stuff in the dishwasher and your (and his) laundry in the laundry basket.

You got together as teenagers. Sounds like you have outgrown his immature arse. Please let this be a wakeup call - this is how he really sees you - domestic slave, cash point, nurse and sex worker. Fuck all respect, support or love for you when it comes down to it.

spotcheck · 30/09/2021 07:32

This is the same thinking as the incels - just ever so slightly repackaged.
Underneath, it is all the same thing: women should just shut up and spread their legs/ open their mouth regardless of how they actually feel about it.

Op, look your husband in the eye, and ask him this: " Do you think I'm here to service you, no matter how I feel?"
Make him answer you.

He said bringing your uncle is a cheap shot?
Transference Ie

Original poster
erin48 · 30/09/2021 07:32

Thank you everyone, I've read all of your replies and I'm really grateful for all of the support during a hard time.

To answer a few posts, it is like he's a completely different man when it comes to when he wants sex. We have always had a healthy sex life but when he wants sex/intimacy of the sexual sort like a random blowjob, he does sulk when I say no.

I always have said no when it's demanded and haven't ever gave in, it makes me feel "icky" about him and there is no way I feel like I should do it just because he wants it. I have always stood firm if I've not wanted to. He knows I don't care if he pleasures himself, as long as it's healthy, I don't care. It's a personal thing.

When he sulks about it, it pushes me even further away and I'd rather him sulk than me lower my self worth and do it.

For the person who said how do we know this isn't a one sided story and that my husband doesn't do things to me when I want them. I am happy to initiate sex etc when I am feeling well. I would never and have never just asked my husband to perform a sex act on me randomly. I cannot ever imagine doing that especially whilst he is sick or grieving and he has never offered to either, if he did, I would decline. Seeing your partner sad or ill doesn't exactly make you want to engage in that. That's why I don't understand.

I am going to have a serious chat with him today.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 30/09/2021 07:34

Stop giving him blowjobs when you don't want to op. I've literally never been asked by any man for a blowjob, he actually just stepped out the shower and asked you to do it?? He's treating you like a service provider. Can you imagine walking in a room and demanding oral sex? No??? Didn't think so. Tell him to get to fuck, dirty bastard.

Offmyfence · 30/09/2021 07:34

@Talktalkchat

Right so because you are vaccinated it’s ok for you to go out and infect everyone.

Vaccine doesn’t make it impossible to catch or pass on the virus - yet the unvaccinated are the trouble makers…. Ffs.

None of that is relevant to your post but tell him to F off and masturbate

I suggest you look up current guidelines, if you want to have a pop at people and be the Covid police you should know the rules.
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 30/09/2021 07:37

You have nothing to be embarrassed about . What an absolute selfish prick after everything you have been through.
So sorry to hear about your uncle.

Heronwatcher · 30/09/2021 07:38

If he’s a decent man in other respects then I think I would have a no nonsense chat with him and tell him that this has to stop. Any sex without freely-given consent is abuse. If, after you explaining this, he doesn’t stop it then you know deep down who he is, and you should get out.

Hopeisallineed · 30/09/2021 07:42

Having read your all your posts OP, it strikes me that he’s just incredibly selfish. Not to realise that you might not be in the mood and to demand it anyway, despite all the circumstances is really off. I would be very upset by this too and think you need to have a really good chat. Mentioning your uncles to him is not ‘a low blow’, it’s something on your mind that you need to process and deal with, expecting sex or a sexual act from your partner when she is grieving and/or ill is really out of order, thoughtless and selfish. I would really hope that he is not like this in other areas but suspect he is. I would find it difficult to respect or love someone making these demands.

lwaxana · 30/09/2021 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/09/2021 07:48

But, he normally is loving, caring and supportive

He's not usually like this, it's only when it comes to blowjobs

Conditional love is not love. What advice would you give to your best friend or sister in a relationships where the man was "loving" so long as things went his own way?

A better life is available.

PineNutsAreOverpriced · 30/09/2021 07:56

I find it hard to believe that he never shows sulky behaviour at any other time and only turns like this over sex (which is bad enough leave even if it is the only time he does it)

How does he handle conflict in your relationship generally? Who does most of the cooking and cleaning? How does he react when you have a difference of opinion generally, for example if you plan to watch a film together but you don’t agree with his choice and ask to watch something you’d prefer?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 30/09/2021 07:58

I couldn't live with someone like that. What a piece of shit. That would be the end for me.

pommepommefrites · 30/09/2021 08:00

I'd bite it sooooo hard

DeathStare · 30/09/2021 08:02

I've just said to him "I feel rough, uncle (name) passed away and I don't want to" and he replied "bringing (uncles name) into it is a bit of a cheap shot" I just don't understand him
The premise of this is all wrong - and you are buying into it. His premise is that he is entitled to a blow job from you and that you need to give (what he considers to be) a decent reason to get out of your obligation to give him the blow job. You are buying into that because you don't understand why he isn't accepting that you have a decent reason.

Take a step back and look at this with fresh eyes. He has NO entitlement to a blow job from you. None. Nada. It is not part of your role as his wife to give him a blow job (unless you really want to) any more than it's any other woman's job to do this for him. You don't have to give a reason to him for not doing it - and if you choose to give a reason for not doing it, he certainly does not get to sit in judgement over whether that reason is acceptable to him.

He said "what about what I want though?" then said "I'm bored of this conversation" and turned the tv back on
Again look at the premise of this.this suggests that he believes he is entitled to having his sexual wants met regardless of whether his desired sexual partner wants that or not, and that if his desired sexual partner doesn't give him what he wants sexually then she is being unreasonable. This is the mindset of a rapist.

Does this thinking just apply to you or does it apply to all women? I mean, if he wants a blow job with Jennifer Aniston should she give it him? (Because "what about what he wants") What about a woman he works with? A woman he sees on the street? Or does this just apply to you? Does he see all women's bodies as being there to meet his sexual wants regardless of what they want, or just your body? If it's the latter why does he see you as being less important than other women? Either situation is worrying.

he normally is loving, caring and supportive
Are you sure? His sense of power over you and entitlement to your body irrespective of your feelings or wishes does not suggest someone who is loving, caring and supportive.

There is an easy way to tell. Sit down with him and lay out that he is never entitled to a blow job from you and that if you don't want to give one he should not only accept that but he should no longer want one from you. What sort of monster wants someone to perform a sexual act that they know the other person doesn't want? That's wanting sex without true consent - which is rape. If he accepts what you are saying without argument, apologises and never again sulks or nags about the lack of a blow job then you can ascribe this to a temporary (but significant) blip. If he tries to convince you that you are looking at this wrong, if he gets angry, if he doesn't apologise, if he continues with this behaviour, then you know he isn't really loving, caring and supportive and it might be worth having a closer look at the rest of your relationship.