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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH is sulking over sex

443 replies

erin48 · 29/09/2021 22:05

This is so embarrassing to post as I feel like I'm in the wrong here but I need some opinions.

DH loves blowjobs, I don't hate them, don't enjoy them but I will do it because he enjoys it.

The last few months have been difficult. I had an early miscarriage (DH was nothing but supportive during this time). Then he has been completely wiped out with covid for the past 2 weeks.

Due to being double vaccinated, I am still working, my boss and colleagues are aware he has it. He's been sleeping in the spare room and contact has been minimal.

Then, my uncle died unexpectedly Monday night, I received the sad news on Tuesday morning.

Today, on our temperature check upon entrance into the office mine was a little high and I'd woke up with a headache. My boss told me to keep an eye on my temperature and 2 hours later, it was flashing amber with a temperature of 38.7. My boss sent me home and asked for me to have a test done ASAP. I went straight to the local drive through test centre and I am waiting for results.

His first reaction to this was "you can't not work for 10 days, we can't lose the money". Then tonight he's got out of the shower and asked me for a blow job knowing that since about 5pm I've had a sore throat and feel shivery. I said no, now he's sulking and has ruined our evening catching up on a couple of tv shows we watch together.

I said to him "I feel rough" and he said "we don't have to have sex we can do other things you know" in a shitty tone.

My uncle has passed away unexpectedly, DH has had covid so I've been doing everything whilst he has been wiped out with it and now I suspect my test is going to come back positive, I feel fluey and do not want to have sex or give him a blow job! I'm not in the mood and I feel shite, mentally and physically.

He does this every now and then as I suspect he's not happy with the amount he gets.

How do I handle this? He always has a smart arse response ready for when I try and defend myself.

OP posts:
Ibleedibreedibreaatfeed · 30/09/2021 11:53

He's a fucking knobhead dick. And I would be seriously rethinking spending your life with him.

TintinIsBack · 30/09/2021 11:53

@Lovemusic33

My ex husband used to be like this but please not he was not a rapist 😬, he would have never forced me to do anything and never laid a finger in me without asking but he was great at sulking and asked for sex often. I find it a huge turn off being pestered so he ended getting nothing. I think it’s a bit strong to say OP’s husband is a potential rapist. I’m wondering how people would react is OP’s post was a reverse and it was her asking for something sexual? Would you accuse her of being an abuser?

OP. Of course he was wrong to expect you to give him a blowjob, I guess it’s ok for him to ask but he shouldn’t be sulking because you said ‘no’. I would ignore his shitty behaviour and concentrate on everything else you have going on. He’s just being a twat.

It is strong to call that man a rapist.

But if you remember that coerced sex is also Rape, then it doesn’t feel as far fetched.
A man who constantly sulks and puts pressure on his partner to the point she gives in and gives him sex, that’s rape too. Unfortunately there are many women in that place, where they have sex just to keep the peace.

TintinIsBack · 30/09/2021 11:56

I’d also say it’s ok to ask. But not in all circumstances.
It’s not ok to ask when your partner is sent back home from work with a fever/ill.
It’s not ok to ask, and insist, for sex when your partner has just a family member.
It’s not ok to take no fir an answer and insist. And to do it each time she says no.

It’s not just about asking for sex or a something sexual. It’s about ge context on when and how it’s asked.

BrendaBubbles · 30/09/2021 12:11

I’m wondering how people would react is OP’s post was a reverse and it was her asking for something sexual? Would you accuse her of being an abuser?

Oh come on..the reverse would be a DW asking her DH to go down on her at random times during the day and then moaning about him feeling uneasy about it when he's ill. This is not a gender thing, such a woman would be similarly torn apart on here, except we don't ask for things like that in a randomly gross way.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/09/2021 12:19

@Lovemusic33

My ex husband used to be like this but please not he was not a rapist 😬, he would have never forced me to do anything and never laid a finger in me without asking but he was great at sulking and asked for sex often. I find it a huge turn off being pestered so he ended getting nothing. I think it’s a bit strong to say OP’s husband is a potential rapist. I’m wondering how people would react is OP’s post was a reverse and it was her asking for something sexual? Would you accuse her of being an abuser?

OP. Of course he was wrong to expect you to give him a blowjob, I guess it’s ok for him to ask but he shouldn’t be sulking because you said ‘no’. I would ignore his shitty behaviour and concentrate on everything else you have going on. He’s just being a twat.

Coercing people into sex through sulking is rape-adjacent even if you don't want to call it rape And yes it would be exactly the same if the sexes were reversed but honestly they hardly ever are in situations like this
sociallydistained · 30/09/2021 12:28

Wow my dp would never get out of the shower and ask for a BJ that would make me rage

CousinKrispy · 30/09/2021 12:54

Ignoring the obvious pervy troll who is getting kicks by bragging about how to do sexy funtime sex better than everyone else, for the actual OP:

I cannot imagine my husband just stepping out the shower in the middle of the day and asking for a blow job. Like randomly with no previous foreplay.

I can imagine this because I lived through it with my ex and it was hell, it finally dawned on me that he saw me as a thing that was supposed to sexually service him whenever he felt like it, regardless of my wishes and in the end that killed off any desire I had for a man I had previously loved and desired.

And it's an entirely different dynamic from a couple with a healthy relationship who can freely say "Fancy a shag, darling?" to each other at random times. Also entirely different from the "ooo, frigid wives who turn down their husbands requests for sex are responsible for them HAVING to cheat!" bullshit being peddled here by some.

OP, you should feel incredibly proud that you don't give into these requests--I can attest that doing so is likely to drive you farther apart, as well as making you feel dirty and ashamed and ground down. You are quite right to stand up for a sex life that is fully consensual and healthy and happy.

Generallystruggling · 30/09/2021 12:54

Leave him. I hate oral sex, my DH knows this but still tries his luck sometimes and I tell him to fuck off. I know he likes it but I honestly can’t stand it, it makes me gag and feel really sick. Also just makes me feel degraded in some way, like an animal. If he tried pushing for it when he knew I was ill and sulked when I said no, I’d strongly consider leaving.

You’re not his object, you’re his wife and he should respect you more than this.

marionsfave · 30/09/2021 12:57

Sorry OP, but I divorced a man like this. My only regret is that it took me so long to leave

BertramLacey · 30/09/2021 13:24

The thing is, this is the only thing that has even rung alarm bells, when he has sulked over lack of blowjobs for whatever reason it may be.

That's like saying the Titanic only had one hole in it.

Nursejackie1 · 30/09/2021 13:25

Sorry but anyone who gets any ounce of pleasure from having something sexual done to them knowing that the person doing it doesn’t want to…. that’s very dodgy ground and yes I’d say rape.
However they pressure someone into doing something sexual against their will be it through violence, sulking or whatever….it’s rape.

StopGo · 30/09/2021 13:28

You can 'chat' until the cows come home. He is a coercive sex pest. He won't change.

scarpa · 30/09/2021 13:44

I think loads of stuff has been covered well here by PPs - he's being a dick, he's being insensitive, and generally he needs a proper talking to about how this made you feel.

I wanted to add something though - absolutely not in his defence, because his behaviour isn't acceptable, but to maybe explain why he is this way about sex. Because I was (in a much less dickish way, I hope) the same for a long time and it's something I still occasionally remind myself of.

I like sex, and it is a non-negotiable part of a relationship for me. Not non-negotiable like, when I want it goes, but as in, 'would not have a romantic relationship that didn't involve sex at least semi-regularly', and in that it doesn't really matter to me what external pressures I'm under or if I'm ill or whatever - my base level of desire doesn't change. My partner (and some other partners in the past) aren't that way: it's a 'nice to have', or they're much more likely to have their sex drive wax and wane based on what's happening around them.

Because I was coming at it from a 'this is a key part of our relationship and needed for connection' and they weren't (or weren't always), when we didn't have sex for a while I would find myself frustrated and hurt and rejected. I didn't understand why they didn't want to do this thing that was part of our relationship - it would have been like stopping talking to me all of a sudden for weeks, for example. Now, I kept that to myself, but if it ever came to a head and I needed to talk about why, they'd be saying "Oh, I've not been in the mood" and I would be interpreting it as "I am not in the mood for our relationship, you by extension, and by expressing care and affection for you.". That made me unhappy and short in the same way that being told ...I dunno, he thought I was annoying would. Eventually, a very understanding and kind ex of mine explained that actually, how I saw sex wasn't how he did, and that while I'd be happy to have sex right after an argument, with a horrible headache, during a stressful time at work, that he didn't, and that it wasn't a reflection of how he felt about me overall, but how he felt in that moment (or, obviously, if we'd argued, also about me). I learned my lesson and learned to stop treating the frequency of our sex life as directly analogous to the health of our relationship overall (obviously, sometimes they are linked, but not always).

It sounds so selfish and short-sighted, granted. But I was genuinely hurt and rejected by the fact that he was - in my eyes - rejecting me and 'us'.

Your comment where DH said the comment about your uncle being a 'low blow' is what sparked me to write this - he was treating that as an argument, where one might make a 'low blow'. And that made me think that he too might be seeing the function of sex, or its importance, or the consistency of his libido in a different way than you and - clearly - seeing your 'refusal' (which is absolutely, 100% your right) as you rejecting him. If I picture myself in this exact scenario, where I'm your husband, I can see myself feeling frustrated and confused about why wouldn't you want to have sex when you feel shitty and something bad has happened, it makes you feel better? Wrong (for lots of people, anyway), but true for me, if not shortsighted.

Now, he's still been a twat. As I was. And he needs to learn, as I did, that not everyone sees sex like that, and he needs to apologise for how he's behaved and for not being appropriately supportive.

He might not feel like I did at all, and he might just be an enormously selfish dickhead - only you can really judge that, I think.

But I just wanted to offer a possible explanation. And, I'll add again, because I really, really don't want to be seen as excusing his behaviour - he is most definitely in the wrong. It just might not be coming purely from a deliberately selfish place.

eightlivesdown · 30/09/2021 13:46

Very unreasonable to ask for this when he knows you're feeling unwell. Especially as he's just been unwell himself so knows how you're feeling.

Ibleedibreedibreaatfeed · 30/09/2021 13:59

You decided what you want to do sexually, you decide when, where and how and with who. No one man or woman dictates this you. Have you seen the cup of tea video? The ick feeling is your gut screaming to you that your boundaries are being broken. Love yourself and y

honeybuns007 · 30/09/2021 15:10

Say to him 'hey, remember that time when I was feeling really poorly and you demanded a BJ and sulked when I said no?' Funny wasn't it Hmm

CousinKrispy · 30/09/2021 15:20

I think scarpa is onto something--some people, especially people who are "always" in the mood for sex regardless of external circumstances, may struggle to empathize with a partner who doesn't feel exactly the same way ... it comes down to whether OP's husband is willing to actually see where she's coming from and understand he doesn't get to dictate someone else's feelings.

Sex is great and is important in relationships, but some people place too much weight upon it, I think. Their partner having sex with them (whenever it's requested) gets tied in with "proof" that the relationship is healthy, that they are not just loved but loveable and attractive...things that maybe should be more shored up by their own self-esteem and trust in themselves and their partner, and by the larger picture of the relationship that includes other things besides sex. It's a big burden to place on one aspect of a relationship, and a big burden to place on one sexual partner who is suddenly responsible for making YOU feel happy, lovable, desirable, cared for, etc., regardless of whether they have a headache or are in the mood or don't enjoy a particular act or just want to demonstrate their love in another way sometimes.

TintinIsBack · 30/09/2021 15:30

@scarpa, I get where you are coming from.

I would say though that if he wasn’t in the mood for sex when he was ill, then he has no business to expect his partner to be in the mood for sex when SHE is ill.

So it would be interesting to see if he was that keen when he was also ill (I’m thinking about your comment ‘i’ll still be up for it with a massive headache etc…’)

TintinIsBack · 30/09/2021 15:32

I also think that often the people who are ‘always up for sex’ happen to be men.
And that it’s tied up with some toxic masculinity, sex = viril = good and the expectations that women will satisfy that need.

DrSbaitso · 30/09/2021 15:38

@TintinIsBack

I also think that often the people who are ‘always up for sex’ happen to be men. And that it’s tied up with some toxic masculinity, sex = viril = good and the expectations that women will satisfy that need.
Well, at its worst it can be, of course.

My personal observation (and I hope it's obvious that I'm generalising) is that men use sex to bond and feel close, whereas women use it to "consummate" their feelings that are already there. It develops the feelings in men and crystallises them in women, who develop them before they get into bed.

Even for a one night stand, women do generally need some sort of dynamic established beforehand in a way that men don't really.

Pemba · 30/09/2021 15:56

scarpa that was a very honest and interesting post. You explain your perspective well. Do you mind me asking if you are female and your partners male? Just because it most often seems to be men who react like this, seeing sex as intimacy and feeling rejected when their partner is not in the mood, so it is interesting that it can happen the other way round.

I do think that the OP's situation goes beyond that though, it is so extremely unempathetic to be demanding a blowjob of a newly sick and bereaved partner. He shouldn't be 'demanding' anyway - he sounds awful. Also that it is a blowjob he wants rather than sex makes it worse - he doesn't even want intimacy, he wants to be serviced and feels entitled to it. Surely anyone should realise that the 'giver' of oral sex is usually getting little out of it, other than the pleasure of giving pleasure I suppose, so this should make them more sensitive about asking.

I think really that there are a lot of people (more often men) who will not be interested in cuddles and other loving forms of intimacy, the only way they feel they can connect is through sex. Which is sad.

me4real · 30/09/2021 16:09

@TintinIsBack Yep.

And it's not ok to sulk/manipulatively strop at your partner if she doesn't feel like it, of course.

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2021 16:11

That was a very thoughtful post @scarpa and I see the difference, but does it quite apply? He didn’t think we need to connect we should be having sex. He thought she should give me a blowjob, which just doesn’t have the same I want to romantically connect with my partner in a mutual way vibes! And apparently it always applies to blowjobs.

erin48 · 30/09/2021 16:33

Thank you for everyone's input I appreciate all of the opinions, advice, support and different perspectives.

I've just tried to have a conversation with him and he said "not going to do it but no wonder men cheat" and that's the final straw for me.

Still haven't got results back from my covid test but once I do I'll be getting my ducks in a row.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/09/2021 16:41

I'm so sorry, but also so glad you can see things clearly.
He is not a good man at all.