Will this come across as rude.

[Waste32]

My best friend since school has 4dc her oldest 3 are the same school years as my 3dc and her 4th is under one. We meet up a couple of times a week mainly at my house because my dc have their own rooms so more space for the kids to play and because she became a single parent after splitting from the eldest 3 children’s dad 5 years ago and has struggled on benefits so it helps her out if I feed them once or twice a week. Her dc have terrible diets they literally eat about 3 or 4 items all fine I feed them what they eat. Would I be be rude or unreasonable to say I am no longer going to give her dc the salad/veg/fruit etc with their meals because of the waste? She insists I give her dc the healthy stuff which will end up in the bin after they have played with it and mushed it about. Yesterday was the final straw for me, she chopped up a large 800g punnet of strawberries and shared out a 400g punnet of blueberries between her 4 which all ended up in the bin so I want to say no more. I had to take a phone call so was distracted, my dc didn’t get a look in on the berries she gave them an apple as her dc don’t like apples. Today I have been to Tesco to replace the wasted fruit for my kids lunches for the rest of the week. How can I word this politely? I don’t want to cause upset or a falling out and I’m more than happy to keep feeding them but only the things they will actually eat.

Thank goodness there are people like you around to make the world a little kinder. You will probably never know the full impact of your kindness but at the very least you are taking some pressure of your friend and her dcs will remember these times.

One option might be to make compote with frozen berries. This is inexpensive and could not be easier - heat berries in microwave or pan, mash a little and add sugar to taste. You could then put this on the table for dcs to help themselves to (small spoon), with custard, yoghurt, ice cream or whatever they will eat. Give dcs small bowls - they can fill up as much as they like but this should reduce waste. The compote will keep in the fridge for a few days.

Good luck!

@midlifecrash

What bothers me is that she doesn’t treat your kids the same as hers

I agree. If she’d had all the expensive fruit out of the fridge and dished it up for all the kids, you could’ve thought she was just trying to muck in with the food preparation and didn’t think of the cost or potential waste. But prepare all that fruit - and that’s a lot of fruit - and give your kids apples because hers don’t like them? That’s quite outrageous….

I would actually text your friend

I was thinking after last night putting the strawberries and blueberries in the bin that its going to be best if you bring the fruit your children like to eat and my children will fit in with whatever. Ill make the main course and pick something that your dc like and will enjoy.

Im sure your friend isn't that poor she can't buy 7 bananas from Iceland for £1.50 or a punnet of grapes for £2

don't beat about the bush

Op I think you are doing a lovely kind thing helping your friend. I think she overstepped with the berries and I really don't understand her reasoning for not sharing out with your children. I think it's unkind of people and judgemental to label her a scrounger. Living in poverty is really hard and it's so difficult to dig yourself out.
Yes I agree that a every child should have a warm home and full belly. But sometimes on benefits you have to make the choice between heating and food. It doest make her a bad parent. Maybe she's not great with money. Or maybe she rents and the housing element doesn't cover her rent. Maybe her house isn't energy efficient and it's hard to was warm. I used to have oil heating that was inefficient and expensive. yes the father should step up and support his children , but sadly he can't be made too. You see loads of threads on here about maintenance and dads that happily pay seen to be in the miniorty.

It doesnt matter if she takes offence as helping herself to someone elses food is very rude.If she is on benefits her children will get free school meals which include a piece of fruit.I would hide any fruit and veg when they are around.Destroying food someone else paid for is also very rude,but they have a mother who is greedy and entitled,so probably dont know any better.Let her feed her own children.

OP, you mention your friend is terrible with money and that her mental health is not the best.
Quite frankly, I think she will benefit from some boundaries.
You won't be doing her any favours by allowing her to take you for granted or to abuse your generosity. She does need to take responsibility for her actions. And that includes learning to manage her money, or at the very least not waste other people's.

I don't think you planning meals together with her will help a lot, unless you help her plan her own meals for her shopping.

I know she's your friend, but she split all your expensive berries between her children and gave your children apples, that would be crossing the line into sheer bloody cheek for me.

"She insists I give her dc the healthy stuff"

That's not on though is it?

She shouldn't be insisting on anything!

You've tried it, it doesn't work & it's constantly going in the bin.

@FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack

I know she's your friend, but she split all your expensive berries between her children and gave your children apples, that would be crossing the line into sheer bloody cheek for me.

It's a horrible thing to do isn't it?

And for those who would have eaten it to then see it go in the bin!

OP

Your «friend» is a terrible, entitled user.
The fact that you are afraid of broaching this with her says it all.
She has you conditioned to avoid her guilt trips / tantrums.

not rude

@Waste32 she's taking the piss.

I think you're blinded by your friend wants and needs.
You're not seeing your own kids wants and needs.

How old are your kids,could you have a discussion about whether they want the other kids there at all.

It's a lovely thing you're doing,but it'll have to stop at some point.
Why not now.

You are not doing the kids a favour by agreeing to feed them crap food like pizza and nuggets - if that is all they eat they need to get used to other food very soon.

So she gave HER kids all your strawberries and blueberries and YOUR kids an apple?

Whatever her circumstances she's taken advantage of your generosity and in the same gesture disadvantaged your kids too.

I know it's only a couple of punnets of fruit but her attitude stinks.

@snowblack

You are not doing the kids a favour by agreeing to feed them crap food like pizza and nuggets - if that is all they eat they need to get used to other food very soon.

I had somehow missed that you are cooking seperately for her kids.

So she lets you do that as well as throwing your food away!

She really has become too used to it hasn't she?

I think you cook for everone & they eat it or not.

And she keeps het mitts out of your fridge!

She's on to a bloody good thing-I doubt she'll risk losing it.

She is REALLY abusing your hospitality and needs to be called on it.

You could just whatsapp /text and say

" I was cross about those wasted strawberries and blueberries getting thrown in the bin uneaten, and with you for letting A and B have them. It meant poor DC got none at all.

So I want to make some changes when you stay for meals.

I know A and B (names) only like (list) and from now on, that is all I shall offer them. I am not going to offer your children any veg, fruit, salad etc they won't eat then see it wasted.

  If they  ask for  things  I know  they won't eat,  or try to help themselves, I shall  gently say no and mean it.  Please back me up on this.    Lets see how it works out on Thursday.

Lots of people slating your friend here which I don't think is necessary! You are clearly a lovely friend. If food waste is an issue and rightly so, then just say it like that, sounds like you wouldn't want food wasted when feeding your own family either, so it's not a money thing. If money is an issue for her she will definitely not be providing her children with berries, so that's why she's most likely seizing the opportunity at yours - I don't think that's her 'using' you though.

If you enjoy providing for her and her children then that's great, but continue to enjoy it, and don't let it burden you..

"not be providing her children with berries, so that's why she's most likely seizing the opportunity at yours - I don't think that's her 'using' you though."

She gave them all to her own kids, none to Op's (who would have eaten them) & then threw the whole lot away!

How is that not using?

There is a huge difference between helping and enabling.

My children went to a school where a significant proportion of kids were in receipt of free school meals and/or had parents who were unemployed or on benefits. Virtually all their friends came from such homes and I was always happy to feed them, take them on outings, buy them icecreams, etc.

However, the OP's situation is different. She is being taken advantage of, either deliberately or because her friend has just got used to exploiting her generosity. I hope she and her husband are financially stable and would be able to cope if, say, he lost his job, had a serious accident that left him unable to work, or died. These things happen!

And while I'd always help a friend, there comes a point where I would hope to see evidence that she is trying to help herself. If this has gone on for years I'd start to have doubts. And I prefer to donate my spare cash more broadly, be it Marcus Rashford's campaign for FSM or children in Yemen, Syria, Palestine and other countries ravaged by war.

You are so kind to do that for a friend and I mean this in the kindest way , Do you think you are holding her back from sorting herself out by helping her too much . She needs help to budget better for her circumstances , is she getting any help from any services? The food waste would annoy me berries are expensive, I understand she wants to give the kids fruit but it's at your expense

Can you get together with her to work out a plan to encourage her kids to eat better food? If you can frame it so that you're working as a team to improve their diet then it might go down better than if you make it about waste.
This is a good idea. What I do as well when my kids have friends over, I put a bowl of fruit/veg on the centre of the table. Ask what they want and only cut what they are eating at the moment. Say it's berries, just put a couple on the plate. If they want more, go for more, but if not, then the rest is not wasted...

You are a good person OP.

Unfortunately she is coming across as a part time “cocklodger”. Buy cheaper seasonal fruit for everyone. Strawberries and blueberries etc should be an occasional treat.

I would hide the expensive fruit when they come round (I certainly wouldn't begrudge the fruit if it was being eaten and enjoyed, but I can't bear food wastage) and just offer the pizza etc that they like and toast and jam for afters, or maybe tinned fruit.

Or I would offer them one quartered strawberry each and one blueberry and say 'if you eat that up you can have another one. That's what I'd say to my own kids and if she considers herself family enough to come round and help herself while you are on the phone she won't mind you taking a bit of control over the wastage.

"I wasn’t sure if I was being mean over the berries etc" - but she WAS being mean. I think its great to be kind, all well and good, but she was deliberately unkind to your own kids - your lack of response makes your kids think this is the sort of treatment they deserve, its like a constant drip of unspoken insult. It doesnt matter if you are on the bones of your arse, two mums sharing food should give each child the same amount of something like fruit at the very least.