Will this come across as rude.

[Waste32]

My best friend since school has 4dc her oldest 3 are the same school years as my 3dc and her 4th is under one. We meet up a couple of times a week mainly at my house because my dc have their own rooms so more space for the kids to play and because she became a single parent after splitting from the eldest 3 children’s dad 5 years ago and has struggled on benefits so it helps her out if I feed them once or twice a week. Her dc have terrible diets they literally eat about 3 or 4 items all fine I feed them what they eat. Would I be be rude or unreasonable to say I am no longer going to give her dc the salad/veg/fruit etc with their meals because of the waste? She insists I give her dc the healthy stuff which will end up in the bin after they have played with it and mushed it about. Yesterday was the final straw for me, she chopped up a large 800g punnet of strawberries and shared out a 400g punnet of blueberries between her 4 which all ended up in the bin so I want to say no more. I had to take a phone call so was distracted, my dc didn’t get a look in on the berries she gave them an apple as her dc don’t like apples. Today I have been to Tesco to replace the wasted fruit for my kids lunches for the rest of the week. How can I word this politely? I don’t want to cause upset or a falling out and I’m more than happy to keep feeding them but only the things they will actually eat.

@Jux I love that approach thank you

@Waste32 this person can be both someone who is struggling for whatever reason AND a user/taker you know. Why should she step up and take responsibility for her bad choices and situation when you're there to bail her out? Why should she tackle her money issues or anything else and make sure her kids are eating - you'll feed them.

She might be a friend but she is also exploiting your kindness/friendship and will carry on doing so as long as you carry on letting her.

Hi OP, the phrase, Teach a Man to Fish, entered my mind whilst thinking about this thread.

I think it's wonderful that you are so kind to her. And I don't think it should suddenly stop. But sometimes education can help someone look after themselves better.

She obviously needs your support and has probably become quite attached to the routine. But can I suggest supporting her in other ways too? (which may result in less pressure on you to always help, week in week out)

I think she needs to learn to budget. Learn how finances work. Learn about nutrition and how to get children to eat!

If she's constantly handed out meals and fee baths then she will never learn.

I don't think you have done anything wrong by the way. I think you've been extremely kind and compassionate. And most people would love a friend like you. But don't forget about yourself. And just like with our own children. We have to teach them the way and then let go a little.

You can still cook for her etc. But she needs to learn for herself now too.

@WimpoleHat

I’ve made this comment on threads before, but it works here too. My DH has a theory: even if something starts as an obvious favour, if it continues, people come to expect it. And even feel entitled to it. And then feel really aggrieved if it’s taken away (even if it was always a kindness to start with). And I think this is what’s going on here. Your friend now expects you to feed her kids. That’s what you do. And she now feels entitled to go through your fridge and cherry pick what she fancies. And you (not unreasonably) are starting to feel taken for a bit of a mug….and when you notice something like that, you can’t “unsee” it. I think you need - gradually - to move away from the arrangement you have. Mix it up a bit; get it away from it being the expectation. Hopefully a reset will get things back onto a “kind favour” basis again, without falling out with your friend.

this is behaviourally a true thing. It works like that with work bonusses and perks. What starts as a bonus or an extra as a reward for good outcomes/extra work and so on turns into an expectation.

Could you both maybe sit down and do meal plans together? Just tell her you're going to start meal planning and you think she should climb on board, too.
Factor her in one or two days a week at your house and decide on a meal together for those days.

Not only could the meal plan help her budget better and prepare meals better at home, it could also help her see just how much money you are spending and how you do it...which again could help her in the long run.

So you would still be able to help as you are, but also giving her tools to do the same when she can and when she is ready. Then you don't even need to mention the berries.

@FetchezLaVache

Why are you bothered about seeming rude? Your friend waited until you were otherwise occupied, then helped herself to about £8 worth of berries, which she shared out between her own children and didn't give any to yours! You should be angry.

Just tell her that in future, she tries the kids with a small amount of things to see if they like them, not serve them the whole lot, and you won't be serving them veg/salad because they won't eat it. It's not for her to "insist" that you do. She's a piss-taker, quite frankly, wanting to encourage healthy eating in her children but on YOUR wallet.

This in spades. She didn't give your kids the nicer fruit? Fuck that. She isn't nice- she is a cheeky fucker. Sorry op but how dare she

@WeAllHaveWings

I don't think it is rude to say you want to reduce food waste and to do this you are starting new rules for your children and they need to join in too.

Fruit, goes in serving bowls with a serving spoon, you can take 3/4 bits at a time and don't take more until you have eaten what you have taken. If you are not sure if you like something you take one bit to try it before taking more.

If they start eating the fruit then you can relax the rules, if they don't the rules stay and they are encouraged not to take things they don't like and food waste is explained to them.

This is brilliant advice - much more tactful than making your friend feel bad about the cost

Hi op. I am just like you and would do exactly the same in your shoes. I also have friends who would go in and out of my fridge and cupboards as I want them to feel at home.

I would have something organised and ready pudding wise. A fruit platter and say to children 'show me what bits you like' or get them to help you set something up.

Your heart is in the right place and we all do things for the greater good.

Oh gosh; galling to have to throw all that good food away.

I’m terrible at any sort of confrontation or awkward convo, so I would probably just hide all the fruit before she arrived so she couldn’t just help herself.

That's a truly lovely thing you're doing for your friend OP... don't forget that in all the angst about the berries.
Most kids won't eat fruits/food that they're not regularly given at home. So she could be trying to change that at your place as she can't afford it at hers. But her giving all of the berries to her kids only is quite rude and entitled.
As you seem to genuinely like your friend and want to do this for her and her kids, I would just take precautions so either the fruits they don't eat are not there when they come or as a PP suggested cut a smaller amount ready for all to share and explicitly state to all kids (and friend!) you only take the fruit you will eat and you don't want any wasted! And be firm about it... its a good thing for all the kids to learn anyway.
I want to reiterate its a very kind thing you're doing and I think changing a few things that are annoying you in the gentlest way possible is the way forward.

Is she claiming child support for all of her DC? Is she getting all the benefits she’s entitled to? Is she getting support with her mental health?

Her kids aren’t safe and comfortable in such a cold house or if she can’t afford to feed them properly without your charity.

@Waste32 - have you actually worked out how much you have spent on this friend and her kids over the years?

And it's not just money. What activities could you do with your kids while you are engaging with your friend for so many hours a week?

How is any of this benefitting YOUR children?

I guess she might resent you a bit for being able to afford more things than her and this has made her a bit entitled and grabby. Grabby for things she doesn’t pay for that the kids don’t even like. I would literally be upfront with her and say one of the kids was saying last week you didn’t offer them any ferries abd they all got thrown out. What a waste of money so let’s not do that again. On a practical level has she had her benefits maximised? Maybe offer to go with her to CAB or money advice service and see if she is entitled to anything else. I don’t think you’re a push over, just nice and caring. I’d be the same. I’d be sending them gone with a bag of shopping and treats too!

Sorry so many typos! Berries not ferries! Sending them home not gone!

@Waste32

Yes if I don’t offer it to her dc she helps herself, which I wouldn’t mind if they ate it but they don’t. I do only cook what they will eat which is cheese pizza, waffles, nuggets or plain pasta, obviously my dc don’t want to eat this twice a week nor do I so I cook something else for us.

What????? Cook them what your children eat and have done with it, they will either eat it or they won't don't make an extra meal for them

I think you should be honest with her and say that you had noticed what she did and that it had annoyed you. Tell her you are happy to do whatever it is you are happy to do but that you don’t want her to just take thing without being asked.

It’s sad that you felt you had to check with Mumsnet as to whether you were ok to feel annoyed with her behaviour where it’s so blantantly outrageous.

I bet there is a lot of other things that she does that is grabby but that you aren’t telling us?

What does she do for you?

While I appreciate you're trying to look after your friend here, OP, you're not really letting her grow up, are you?

She's an adult woman in, I would presume, at the very least her late 20s to mid 30s and a mother of four children, yet she struggles to feed and clean her children and apparently has so little knowledge of the cost of living that she literally threw away the better part of a tenner's worth of fruit?

You would do better by her by helping her to manage her life in a more sustainable way: a PP suggested joint meal-planning (brilliant idea!).

Perhaps also introduce her to the MoneySavingExpert forums, or go along with her to a CAB appointment to get some advice on budgeting and financial planning?

Be wary of falling into 'white knighting': it rarely ends well for either party.

I also think that she's veered into CF territory and has become entitled, which isn't good for either of you. You are going to need to define your boundaries more, I think.

Other ideas:

You could just not have berries etc available. Maybe change your shopping day or put them away somewhere (and don't tell your kids in case they out you).

Is it too late to go blackberry picking? Could you involve them in that and then all make a pie , smoothie or lollies together? You could make one big smoothie and all taste from that?

Could you get her help from the Food bank? Help to insulate her home? Could she get funding to help with that?

Could you make a bolognese/stew/curry and hide fruit and veg in it? Apples and carrots, for example, are easily hidden in these.

Good luck with it all!

i think you do have to stop cooking one thing for them and another for your kids - can you do a variation on that crap stuff that sneaks them away from the junk by stealth?

My cousin has a limited diet, but he's working on it and seeing my DS wolf down everything is helping him slowly

there is something really unbalanced in al this@Waste32, there is some piss taking going on and you know this

Could you msg her something like:

Looking forward to seeing you all later/whenever. I've decided to stop offering the children fruit as it's such a waste and I'm doing a bolognese - going to hide apples and carrots in it!

@Jux

Can you get together with her to work out a plan to encourage her kids to eat better food? If you can frame it so that you're working as a team to improve their diet then it might go down better than if you make it about waste.

Not sure how you might do that though, only you know how best to approach her.

That will just mean OP buying more and different kinds of foods.

Could you buy frozen berries, whizz them up into 'red sauce' and serve it over a scoop of ice cream for them? Might be a way to get them to eat some fruit without spending a fortune on fresh soft fruits (especially out of season).

What bothers me is that she doesn’t treat your kids the same as hers

If they don't usually eat fruit they are hardly likely to eat a quarter share of a punnet!

That's what is so fucking ridiculous-sharing the whole lot out rather than a taste first.

If you are happy with the current arrangement, can you either ask what fruit they like or put a fruit salad in a big bowl and give each child a small spoonful first to check they like it (Inc your own) and if they do obviously dish up more. If not you can save it for the next day?