Will this come across as rude.

[Waste32]

My best friend since school has 4dc her oldest 3 are the same school years as my 3dc and her 4th is under one. We meet up a couple of times a week mainly at my house because my dc have their own rooms so more space for the kids to play and because she became a single parent after splitting from the eldest 3 children’s dad 5 years ago and has struggled on benefits so it helps her out if I feed them once or twice a week. Her dc have terrible diets they literally eat about 3 or 4 items all fine I feed them what they eat. Would I be be rude or unreasonable to say I am no longer going to give her dc the salad/veg/fruit etc with their meals because of the waste? She insists I give her dc the healthy stuff which will end up in the bin after they have played with it and mushed it about. Yesterday was the final straw for me, she chopped up a large 800g punnet of strawberries and shared out a 400g punnet of blueberries between her 4 which all ended up in the bin so I want to say no more. I had to take a phone call so was distracted, my dc didn’t get a look in on the berries she gave them an apple as her dc don’t like apples. Today I have been to Tesco to replace the wasted fruit for my kids lunches for the rest of the week. How can I word this politely? I don’t want to cause upset or a falling out and I’m more than happy to keep feeding them but only the things they will actually eat.

I am not portraying her in a very good light here, which wasn’t my intention when starting this thread. I don’t find it difficult to talk to her at all just wasn’t sure if I was being mean and want opinions before putting my foot down.

It is horrible to see someone you care about struggle with providing basic food and heat to their family, I do it to relieve some of the pressure and because I care about the family.

I have a relative like this. They decide that someone is responsible for ‘righting’ what their children are missing and then take, take, take.

Omfg. She didn't let your kids have any of your fruit because she was giving it to her kids CF. and then they bloody wasted it?!
Honestly I think you need to stop feeding them the same shit she does, they need to have one meal, the same as everyone else. That has veg in it. And they don't get pudding if they don't eat it and they get a set small portion, they can have more if they eat it but they can waste one strawberry, not a pack!

@Waste32

I am not portraying her in a very good light here, which wasn’t my intention when starting this thread. I don’t find it difficult to talk to her at all just wasn’t sure if I was being mean and want opinions before putting my foot down.

It is horrible to see someone you care about struggle with providing basic food and heat to their family, I do it to relieve some of the pressure and because I care about the family.

You might be doing it for the right reasons and from a place of kindness OP but she is TAKING THE PISS.

I don't really see how you could explain the situation and paint her in a positive light, to be honest.

@Waste32

I am not portraying her in a very good light here, which wasn’t my intention when starting this thread. I don’t find it difficult to talk to her at all just wasn’t sure if I was being mean and want opinions before putting my foot down.

It is horrible to see someone you care about struggle with providing basic food and heat to their family, I do it to relieve some of the pressure and because I care about the family.

You're not being mean at all @Waste32. Her free-for-all attitude needs to be brought back into check and you're not an ATM with how much money she is costing you (whether you mind helping her out or not, she is adding to your overall costs in your family and if you worked out how much, you might get a big surprise.)

Good luck with the conversation or steps you are going to introduce to cut back on the waste.

A nugget of wisdom I got from mumsnet:
The world has givers and takers. Givers need have strong bounderies becasue takers have none.
(I've probably got it a bit wrong but that's the gist!)

How about pre organised bowls of snacks and only put one of each fruit in which they can have more if eaten?

Personally if she was thay close a friend and you were doing this incredibly kind thing weekly, I would happily explain the food is wasted. But also I think her not giving your kids any berries makes her seem quite selfish

How is she struggling to do the most basic for her children, to the point a friends needs to step in and feed them twice a week?

If she can't even do the basics for her children, then she needs help with managing her money more than feeding dc. If you weren't there, what would she do? Just let them starve those days? I doubt it.

Are you sure it's a money issue and not just her enjoying the fact she doesn't need to cook for them twice a week?

I think she’s (understandably) forgotten that you don’t have unlimited money. Just have a casual word.

@TheChip

How is she struggling to do the most basic for her children, to the point a friends needs to step in and feed them twice a week?

If she can't even do the basics for her children, then she needs help with managing her money more than feeding dc. If you weren't there, what would she do? Just let them starve those days? I doubt it.

Are you sure it's a money issue and not just her enjoying the fact she doesn't need to cook for them twice a week?

This.

Either hide the fruit or have it ready portioned with tiny amounts for her DCs and large amounts for your's.
She's a friend. You like her. There's no need to cause a big fight about this.

"if berries are for lunch boxes could you portion them out into tubs ready for the week"

No-the "friend" needs to be told not to take things to just literally then throw them away!

I had no idea that friends went into other friend's fridges & just helped themselves without being told or checking.

Even if you do, you wouldn't take all of something just for your own kids would you?

I’ve made this comment on threads before, but it works here too. My DH has a theory: even if something starts as an obvious favour, if it continues, people come to expect it. And even feel entitled to it. And then feel really aggrieved if it’s taken away (even if it was always a kindness to start with). And I think this is what’s going on here. Your friend now expects you to feed her kids. That’s what you do. And she now feels entitled to go through your fridge and cherry pick what she fancies. And you (not unreasonably) are starting to feel taken for a bit of a mug….and when you notice something like that, you can’t “unsee” it. I think you need - gradually - to move away from the arrangement you have. Mix it up a bit; get it away from it being the expectation. Hopefully a reset will get things back onto a “kind favour” basis again, without falling out with your friend.

I'm all for charity but this is ridiculous. "Please don't help yourself from the fridge, you finished off all the soft fruit which was earmarked for lunches and didn't even eat it or give any to my dc. I hate to see food waste so I don't mind feeding your dc the things they like but I'm not doing anything they don't like any more."

End of convo. Don't help yourself, eat what you're given. If she wants to get them to eat healthier she needs to do it on her own dime.

Can you manage to be honest with her or are you such a people pleaser that you are going to go on being a doormat?

Also can you switch to healthier food, not veg but cheese on toast, eggs, baked potato and cheese, tomato pasta. You aren't doing the kids a favour giving them processed food all the time. That's a once a week treat.

The most cheeky bit of all of this is that she portioned out two full punnets of fruit for her 4 dc and didn’t give yours any. They must have been big bowls of fruit, and she knows full well that they don’t eat it. Even if you have another 4 dc there would have been enough to share.

I would stop cooking special meals to be honest and just make enough of what you normally have.

Could you cut up the strawberries before she arrives - you could cut each strawberry into 6 pieces to spread it and make it look more. Serve each of her dc 6 pieces (ie only 1strawberry each ) so the waste is minimised?

Can you say you bought bananas and apples for the kids but are saving the berries so please done eat those?

And yeah. I'm struggling to believe that a woman that thinks nothing of wasting 1.2kg of berries is doing everything she can to make her money stretch to keeping her children warm and fed. There's a minimum of money management issues there for sure if not shit priorities aswell.

Just tell her straight what the food options will be, and she's more than welcome to bring along fruit or salad to accompany what you are offering.

I can understand about feeling wary of upsetting her.

Could you change the way you do the meal and put it in dishes in the middle so her children ( and yours) can chose? Hopefully that way they don’t waste it and might try a little portion of heathy food as well.

I would also drop into conversation about the price of things and say you are going to make a menu plan so there isn’t any waste. I wouldn’t do it at the table but then if she takes something from the fridge you could say “ Oh that is planned for Thursday?” And hope she follows through.

I would just be honest and say that you hate the waste. Put serving plates in the middle
of the table with small amounts of veg/fruit etc that they can then help themselves to. If it doesn’t get eaten it can go back in the fridge.

I always used to put sticky labels on fruit, sandwich fillings or whatever else was for specific meals and not just up for grabs in the fridge. Offer them pots of yogurt and stuff like popcorn for after their dinner.
Sadly it's true to say that people's expectations become higher the longer something goes on and it may feel difficult to make the change now

Tbf, I think you need to stand firm, they eat what ever you re making for you and your kids or they don't eat at all.
My daughter's friends was real fussy when younger and literally only ate waffles or nuggets for her mum, yet at our house she ate whatever I made (chilli's, curries, roasted veg etc) and did so without complaining (and often asked for seconds)

Kids will play up for their own parents but less likely to play up for other adults.

Give it a try and see what happens, but stand for and tell them it's that or nothing

She's taking the piss. I'd be embarrassed if my kids were being given expensive fruits and week after week, they were getting binned. I'd be saying not to offer them anymore.

She sounds like she's gotten used to your generosity. I'd say that the blueberries and raspberries that you've bought are to do the week so if she wants then to have some, can she please bring some along with her as they are very expensive.

" Right, how about we only dish up what you will eat. Would you like to try a strawberry? Excellent! Nope, just one for now, if you eat that one, you can have some more".

Or ( to friend) ' the berries are for lunches, how about we slice up an apple for those who will eat it?"