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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will this come across as rude.

157 replies

Waste32 · 29/09/2021 12:08

My best friend since school has 4dc her oldest 3 are the same school years as my 3dc and her 4th is under one. We meet up a couple of times a week mainly at my house because my dc have their own rooms so more space for the kids to play and because she became a single parent after splitting from the eldest 3 children’s dad 5 years ago and has struggled on benefits so it helps her out if I feed them once or twice a week. Her dc have terrible diets they literally eat about 3 or 4 items all fine I feed them what they eat. Would I be be rude or unreasonable to say I am no longer going to give her dc the salad/veg/fruit etc with their meals because of the waste? She insists I give her dc the healthy stuff which will end up in the bin after they have played with it and mushed it about. Yesterday was the final straw for me, she chopped up a large 800g punnet of strawberries and shared out a 400g punnet of blueberries between her 4 which all ended up in the bin so I want to say no more. I had to take a phone call so was distracted, my dc didn’t get a look in on the berries she gave them an apple as her dc don’t like apples. Today I have been to Tesco to replace the wasted fruit for my kids lunches for the rest of the week. How can I word this politely? I don’t want to cause upset or a falling out and I’m more than happy to keep feeding them but only the things they will actually eat.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 29/09/2021 14:03

@WimpoleHat

I’ve made this comment on threads before, but it works here too. My DH has a theory: even if something starts as an obvious favour, if it continues, people come to expect it. And even feel entitled to it. And then feel really aggrieved if it’s taken away (even if it was always a kindness to start with). And I think this is what’s going on here. Your friend now expects you to feed her kids. That’s what you do. And she now feels entitled to go through your fridge and cherry pick what she fancies. And you (not unreasonably) are starting to feel taken for a bit of a mug….and when you notice something like that, you can’t “unsee” it. I think you need - gradually - to move away from the arrangement you have. Mix it up a bit; get it away from it being the expectation. Hopefully a reset will get things back onto a “kind favour” basis again, without falling out with your friend.
I agree 100% with this. If you do people a favour there has to be an "equal and opposite" favour back before you repeat the favour to make it clear that it's not a one-sided arrangement.

I learned this from a friend with older kids when we joined into a school run carpool - she advised me to never commit to doing a regular run taking other people's kids, unless the other family also commits to a regular run taking your kids (and not in a general "oh just text me anytime and I'll do it" way). Even if that means you only do one lift-share a week, as long as it's one for one.

She got badly stung where slowly, through favours to a friend she found herself doing all the school runs, and when she tried to reduce the number of lifts they got really shirty with her even though it was completely one-sided by then. They seemed to have completely forgotten that she was doing them the favour and not the other way around!

PippaOwl · 29/09/2021 14:07

How old are the kids out of interest

Holskey · 29/09/2021 14:07

If you're close enough that she helps herself to your food, then surely you're close enough to lightheartedly pull her up on wasting it ("as if you thrown all my expensive fruit away!" said in a jokey indignant manner). If not, you need to be blunt because that behaviour is seriously CF.

Lweji · 29/09/2021 14:09

One issue is that she is helping herself to large portions of your food without checking with you, and not even leaving enough for you.
That is CFery of the highest order.

Be very firm that you do not waste your food, and that she needs to check with you first before helping herself, even if for the simple reason that you may be saving it for something else.
It's basic manners.
You shouldn't be afraid of losing this friend. She should be afraid of losing you, and your support.

I have to agree with others that she may be very poor at money management, but she also seems to be taking advantage of you.

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 29/09/2021 14:09

Honesty is key here. Even if it is hurtful.

Explain that you don't want anymore food waste. She isn't welcome to help herself. Her DCs eat what they are served, if she wants more then she has to provide it.
If she talks about wanting them to eat healthily, then you can explain to her she needs to start at her own house on her own time.
All this can be said in a non judgemental way I think OP.

You're very kind. How's the friendship apart from this?

FlowerArranger · 29/09/2021 14:10

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HappyDays101010 · 29/09/2021 14:12

She knows what she's doing.

diddl · 29/09/2021 14:14

"I can understand about feeling wary of upsetting her."

So let her continue to throw Op's money food away?

Tbh if she'd be upset at being asked not to help herself, give it all to her kids & throw it away then she's (imo) not a friend worth having.

lovingtheheat · 29/09/2021 14:15

I think it's lovely that you care and support your friend but you shouldn't feel bad. I'm surprised she does not seem to mind the waste if she is struggling to the extent you believe. If i were her I'd either stop it myself or suggest taking the fruit home for the kids to eat later instead.

Sparklfairy · 29/09/2021 14:16

Sorry OP but it sounds like she's choosing to waste your money instead of her own on the off chance her kids might like something. She wouldn't be pouring her own money literally in the bin like this.

MaggieFS · 29/09/2021 14:16

@ElleStartingOver

Just don’t offer them out or have them in when they visit.

If she questions it just be breezy “oh, they’re getting expensive so I’m no longer buying fruit that nobody eats”.

Yep, I'd do this.

Orangejuicemarathoner · 29/09/2021 14:18

you sound like a lovely friend

IntermittentParps · 29/09/2021 14:22

She's a piss-taker.
Make clear to her which fruit is to share and which isn't (maybe say apples etc, which can be kept on a table/side, are for sharing; anything in the fridge like berries is for your kids' lunches).

You are a great friend to this woman but you need to not let her take advantage.

ILoveJamaica · 29/09/2021 14:22

Just put a stop to the whole thing. How on earth do people get roped in to situations like this?!

Original poster
Waste32 · 29/09/2021 14:22

@FlowerArranger she is not a scrounger she is someone that has been in my life for as long as I can remember and I care dearly about. Yes she has made some bad choices but that doesn’t make her a bad person and I am not idiot that has deprived my own children.

My friend is not perfect but I will not abandon her or the children and can afford to feed them things they will eat. Since having the baby financially things got a lot worse for her, she wasn’t planned but is here now so I will treat her no different to her siblings. My friend his terrible with money and some of this is to do with her mental health which she has been treated for successful the last 5 or 6 years but the birth of the baby knocked this off balance some what.

I have had some really good advice which I will follow like doing a big pasta meal with meat and sauce in separate serving bowls so the children can help them self if they wanted. I was looking for opinions as I wasn’t sure if I was being mean over the berries etc before address the issues.

OP posts:
ouchmyfeet · 29/09/2021 14:24

You aren't being mean OP, you sound like a lovely, generous friend.

Original poster
Waste32 · 29/09/2021 14:26

Thank you for all the kind comments, I am sure there are plenty of people out there that would do the same in my situation.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2021 14:26

Tell her what is on the menu. Only that food. A cheap and easy pudding is the fruit from a tin of pears / peaches cut up into pieces and added to a jelly. That will feed all the kids.

The cooler weather is here, perhaps you can hide the berries when she’s around. Or buy them on days when she isn’t.

Evesgarden · 29/09/2021 14:26

OP I think this is possibly the only fruit and veg they will be given though the week so she is prepared to waste the food just so the kids can have the opportunity to eat them, whilst I wouldn't do that myself I can see why she is doing that.

What she did with the berries is out of order, I wonder why she would do that if its not normally something she would do - as its extreme and crossing a line.

I would be upfront at the next meal and say 'I'm only putting a tiny bit of veg/fruit out as they dont eat it, if they eat it they can have more. I dont think that is rude at all in fact its just common sense.

With regards to her having having to come to yours for baths and food - she really needs to look at her finances. Whilst benefits are not a lot, they are manageable if you are careful enough with money. Realistically she can't carry on like this forever can she? Is she claiming CM off the dad? Is she in debt? Is she good with money? Can she change energy suppliers to get her bills down? Can she cut her household costs? Where does she shop? Does she own a car? Is she paying for an expensive rental rather than living in LA housing with housing and council tax benefit? Does she smoke or drink a lot? Has she got an expensive phone contact?

I wonder if she was finically abused by her ex she is actually having trouble managing her money now that she is in control of it.

Whilst its a wonderful thing that you are doing - she is an adult that has to start taking responsibility of her on financial situation an don't depend on friends regularly feeding and bathing her kids.

Chickychickydodah · 29/09/2021 14:27

She been a friend for a long time but seriously she’s treating you like sh*t!
She shouldn’t be taking food from you at all, or expecting you to provide for her family.
I’m sorry but this is wrong in so many ways 😡

Westerman · 29/09/2021 14:28

OP, you sound like such a kind, compassionate woman and a great friend. It's good that you will chat to your friend and, what with rapidly increasing food prices & our need to care better for the environment, you have a good excuse to raise the matter.

Jux · 29/09/2021 14:30

Can you get together with her to work out a plan to encourage her kids to eat better food? If you can frame it so that you're working as a team to improve their diet then it might go down better than if you make it about waste.

Not sure how you might do that though, only you know how best to approach her.

roadwarrior · 29/09/2021 14:32

You sound like a kind and generous person OP. You're not being rude or mean. Just bring up the subject of expensive fruit and berries gently and with compassion. I am sure she will understand.

MzHz · 29/09/2021 14:35

@Waste32

Thank you for all the kind comments, I am sure there are plenty of people out there that would do the same in my situation.
Yes but not to the extent that you're setting light to £10s per week of food.

She is your best friend, you have known her 30 years and all you need to do is speak to her

"Friend, i love having you and the kids over for dinner, etc, but i just need to say that if your kids won't normally something I have bought, i'd rather you not try and give it to them, as it just gets wasted. I'm happy to give them anything that I know they will eat, but not if it just goes in the bin. the other thing is that something in my fridge might be there for a specific reason, so please check with me before taking anything as i will have bought it for a reason."

MzHz · 29/09/2021 14:35

Would they eat smoothies? or whizzed up frozen bananas (like ice cream?)