Will this come across as rude.

[Waste32]

My best friend since school has 4dc her oldest 3 are the same school years as my 3dc and her 4th is under one. We meet up a couple of times a week mainly at my house because my dc have their own rooms so more space for the kids to play and because she became a single parent after splitting from the eldest 3 children’s dad 5 years ago and has struggled on benefits so it helps her out if I feed them once or twice a week. Her dc have terrible diets they literally eat about 3 or 4 items all fine I feed them what they eat. Would I be be rude or unreasonable to say I am no longer going to give her dc the salad/veg/fruit etc with their meals because of the waste? She insists I give her dc the healthy stuff which will end up in the bin after they have played with it and mushed it about. Yesterday was the final straw for me, she chopped up a large 800g punnet of strawberries and shared out a 400g punnet of blueberries between her 4 which all ended up in the bin so I want to say no more. I had to take a phone call so was distracted, my dc didn’t get a look in on the berries she gave them an apple as her dc don’t like apples. Today I have been to Tesco to replace the wasted fruit for my kids lunches for the rest of the week. How can I word this politely? I don’t want to cause upset or a falling out and I’m more than happy to keep feeding them but only the things they will actually eat.

“Will you leave the berries please they’re earmarked for lunches this week”

“Haha no chance your lot throw them! They can have one and get more when they eat it”

@NeedEducating

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say what a lovely friend and person you are, just make sure people don't take advantage of your nature.

Did you read the opening post? That's already happening. The "friend" expects the OP to feed her, and her kids, twice a week, and helps herself to the food in OP's fridge, which then gets chucked in the bin.

It's very clear advantages are being taken, and have been for 5 years.

Food prices are going up, so I think that is an easy way to soften the conversation.

It might also help if you are willing to still add a bit of fruit or vegetable to their plates, but something that isn’t quite so expensive and can be done in small portions. Sharing out apple slices would have been great, but maybe some grapes or some carrots. Keep the portions small, with more available if the first portion is actually eaten.

Firstly - do you actually want to be feeding them twice a week? It sounds like a pain. I’d be scaling it down to once a month.

Secondly, speak up and tell her that the wasted veg and fruit is costing you money and you won’t be offering it anymore.

Finally, if you can’t say it stop the feedings altogether, could you hide the beg and fruit?

@KingsleyShacklebolt

I read it, that's literally what I was saying but i was trying to be kind about it.

She is being very rude to help herself to food from the fridge.

Would you do the same at hers?

I feel a bit of a fool now for letting the waste go on for as long as it has, I will definitely have to address the issue as much as I will hate doing it. I genuinely don’t mind that they come here twice a week for dinner, my house is warm in winter and she will more often than not bath/shower them before leaving. I have been part of the dc life since birth and don’t begrudge them a hot meal, shower and somewhere warm to play after school, their house is freezing about 11 degrees in the winter I hate visiting there as it’s just to cold. Money is tight for my friend with the benefit cap and she didn’t get any extra support apart from healthy start vouchers and child benefit for the baby. I know the more I type the more of a pushover I sound which isn’t necessarily the case, I just want to help my friend the best I can as I truly care for her and her dc.

Hmm I think she's crossed the line from being a grateful friend into taking advantage of you.
Decide you're going to change your approach and see how she acts, any sense of entitlement shows she's a cf.

Serve the food they want but have the salad in a serving bowl, each child gets a few pieces but no more until it's gone. So hopefully no wastage. Make sure you sit at the table so you're not distracted.

Choose the pudding they're having and serve it out. Hide the fruit at the back of the fridge and give it yours later.

She doesn’t respect you op.
Just because she’s been your friend for so long that should make her respect you, not use you.

They are not your responsibility, neither is your friend. She doesn’t seem to care about your feelings at all.
Would you even see her at all if she wasn’t at your house eating your food?
What does she do for you as a thank you?

I am really shocked at the idea of her helping her dc to the expensive fruit without asking, and not even sharing it between all the dc! That is awful!

I'd probably just say you are getting into meal planning so the snack available are x or y. Toast is a pretty good (cheap) option for ravenous visiting dc.

YANBU. It will be tricky if you already have the kind of relaxed relationship where she’ll help herself to food – though I can’t believe she shared out berries to her kids but fobbed off yours with an apple! That elevates it from “relaxed, feels-at-home friend who maybe doesn’t know the price of soft berries” to “CF who knows what berries cost, wants them for her DC and not yours, and doesn’t care cos she’s not paying for it”.

I assume you’re also funding the nuggets and chips and junk food? I think a multi pronged approach:

• Don’t have berries or other food she’ll take/they won’t eat in the house
• Mention the food waste issue and how you’re making changes at home to be more environmental
• That goes for packaged foods too - whoops, no more nuggets or anything in plastic waste
• You’re taking up a new hobby so have less time, let’s timetable the visits - she and DC are welcome round on Tuesday and Thursday. Tuesday is pasta night (her DC can have it plain, yours with sauce, so you’re not cooking twice); Thursday is (something cheap everyone will eat). Pudding is plain yog or nothing

You can’t help someone that is using you op.

@Waste32 you're being a great friend here and I'm sure your friend knows it too.
I think she may be hoping that just one time her DC will start eating the fruit and hence is persisting to make it available to them. I have one child who won't eat any fruit or veg unless it's hidden and it does get me down in terms of how his diet could be viewed.
I think rather than rock the boat, change how you offer / serve food. I would just say next time casually that the price of berries has gone through the roof so you're only serving those on special occasions but tell her she can give her DC orange, apple or banana slices. I also wouldn't cut any fruit until they show interest in it.

Not only she takes advantage of your kindness by having you feed her and her 4 kids twice a week but she also bathes them before she leaves?! She's a freeloader and is playing in your sympathy for her situation.

@Ellarain

I just wouldn't have the fruit or vegetables in the house the day they visit. Apples, Bananas, pears yes but definately not berries. I would just give them what you know they will eat and say nothing.

This. Just have the stuff you want them to have visible.

I can’t believe she shared out berries to her kids but fobbed off yours with an apple! That elevates it from “relaxed, feels-at-home friend who maybe doesn’t know the price of soft berries” to “CF who knows what berries cost, wants them for her DC and not yours, and doesn’t care cos she’s not paying for it”.
I agree with this. 300g of soft fruit for each of her kids, zero for yours? She knows what she is doing there.

my dc didn’t get a look in on the berries she gave them an apple as her dc don’t like apples
They don't like strawberries either by the sounds of it.

Not rude at all and I’m surprised you struggle to be honest with someone you have known for so many years! Berries are expensive and food shouldn’t be purposely wasted, just be honest with her.

She really isn't coming off any better the more you write about her.

I would have a meal cooked for their arrival. This is what is on offer, nothing else. If it is a casserole or a stew, then it can be done in the one pot and every one gets some of that.
If you wanted to, you could have a fruit salad ready for them or some yogurt. That's it for dessert/pudding. If you feel like having a hot pudding, then perhaps a crumble or fruit pie (like rhubarb or pear & apple for example). Stop her rummaging in your fridge/freezer.
If she goes over to the fridge, tell her that you're trying to save for something big so you've planned out your meals for your family accordingly so there isn't the usual lot going 'spare' (as I think that is what she might have seen the fruit and other foods as).
If you don't want to serve your lot pizza or pasta when they are there, don't.
Cheese on toast done under a grill or a cheese toastie done in the toaster are good snacks as alternatives if they are still hungry.

If they can't afford heating or hot water, then you could see if there is anything that the council can do for them in relation to that - insulation/more fuel efficient boiler. She needs to get on to her Ex to be able to cover the bills for his kids so they are living in a warm home.

I'm wondering what positives she and her kids bring to the friendship?

Oh come on. As if she's not aware of what she's doing. You're being totally played.

Could you say that you're cutting down on waste, and serving fruit/veg in a large bowl. Each child can help themselves, but they have to eat what they take.
This

She is awful!

Takes all the berries for her kids knowing that they won't eat them & leaves your kids with none.

Can't think why she hasn't got many friends!

if berries are for lunch boxes could you portion them out into tubs ready for the week, i do this, all tubs ready in the fridge with the kids names labels on! that makes it very clear they are not up for grabs! As for veggies on the side a few slices of cucumber, a sliced tomato between them and some carrot sticks is reasonably cheap if you really don't want to have a conversation about it. What you are doing is very kind but to be honest she does sound like she is taking the piss and its all a bit one sided.

@Waste32

she chopped up a large 800g punnet of strawberries and shared out a 400g punnet of blueberries between her 4 which all ended up in the bin. I had to take a phone call so was distracted, my dc didn’t get a look in on the berries she gave them an apple as her dc don’t like apples.

This doesn't sit right with me and, like you, I'm extremely generous. We always have berries in the house. The fact she dished out the expensive fruit to her 4DC and gave your three an apple is absolutely staggering. She should have shared ALL the fruit amongst the seven children. Or not touched the fruit at all. Unfortunately she is using you and the sooner you realise this the better. You are too lovely for your own good.

@Severntrent

Could you say that you're cutting down on waste, and serving fruit/veg in a large bowl. Each child can help themselves, but they have to eat what they take. This

She will just help her children to the fruit. Time to stop the fruit and veg altogether.