DH is shocked by the reality of having a newborn

[WheelieBinPrincess]

I’m not being very sympathetic.

We are both shattered, like all new parents I guess.

When we first got the baby home a couple of weeks ago, he was quite chilled (the baby was, and to an extent DH was too) he thought things were easy! Unfortunately DS hasn’t slept well at night, he’s a bit nocturnal- he’ll do 90 min stretches just 3x throughout the night so you can’t get a proper sleep. During the day he was fabulous at napping initially but he’s not great at the moment, he gets bad wind after a feed, gets uncomfortable and needs about an hour of comforting/winding.

‘I didn’t think it would be like this’ said DH yesterday

I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep so I’ve been doing the night shift, in the spare room with the baby, and trying to grab a few hours nap in the day, DH still has another week off work, but last night I’d had enough, I was dead on my feet, so I expressed some milk and handed over to DH.

I’ve just been into the bedroom to find DS sleeping peacefully, and DH practically rocking in a corner, ashen faced, like he has experienced a terrible and traumatic event.

I asked how he got on. ‘Not good’, he replied in shaky voice. I’ve got the baby now and he’s gone back to bed, in a strop, because I reminded him that it sounded like an entirely normal night to me.

AIBU (and possibly a bit of a martyr ?!)
But I wonder if DH pictured having a tiny baby as like having an agreeable little cat curled up in a corner, waking up for the odd feed and cuddle, letting us watch a box set of an evening and share a bottle of chianti.

Good job on beginning his DF training. Keep it up. He'll think it is killing him (and you'll think it's killing you, and probably easier to just do it yourself), but it really isn't, and will turn him into a Dad, rather than merely a father. Remind him that the tom cat in the alley can be a father, it takes a man to step up and be a Dad.

@makinganavalon it didn’t come actual as smug, dont worry!

I really appreciate all the wise words and advice

The more I read and hear about tongue tie I do really wonder if he has it- I think I will get onto a private breastfeeding consultant possibly to diagnose, If I decide to try to continue breastfeeding- obviously there’s nothing wrong with formula, and he does get that as well otherwise I’d be attached to a pump all day, so will see how it goes.

If it was the other way around and you were exhausted and struggling and expressed that this wasn't the way you expected parenthood to be..everybody would be sympathetic. Why is everyone coming down so hard on your husband. It is hard,let him express it, don't get angry with him for saying so or don't be so unsympathetic when he says he did t have a good night.
Stick together and support one another and these tough nights will pass

@douliket

If it was the other way around and you were exhausted and struggling and expressed that this wasn't the way you expected parenthood to be..everybody would be sympathetic. Why is everyone coming down so hard on your husband. It is hard,let him express it, don't get angry with him for saying so or don't be so unsympathetic when he says he did t have a good night. Stick together and support one another and these tough nights will pass

I’m guessing it’s because he didn’t carry the baby for 9 months and then squeeze it out a tiny orifice in his body after hours of labour.

And because the OP has been doing the night shift until now AND recovering from child birth.

And because he’s has several weeks off work.

And because he’s going back to a 40 hour a week job while she continues to do a 168 hour a week job.

But yeah pregnancy, childbirth the post partum period is TOTALLY IDENTICAL for women and men. In fact we should all be focusing more on men and their feelings. Coz that’s what it’s all about really, they should be the priority.

Two weeks after the birth of our daughter my other half went on tour to the USA for three months. He got back the day before her birth, I had to make him stay through the 10 hour labour. His mother found him asleep in the nearest pub, head on the table after the birth. Didn't bode well for the future.

Sorry if you don't want advice but I have just had my first and she was the same with bad wind after bottles..we tried anti reflux milk and she slept so much better ..but no you're not being unreasonable if your DH is off work he can do nights for you too.. why don't u do 5 or 6 hour sleeps each that's what we did xx

He’s the dad - he needs to see the reality of it all. I’m unsympathetic- my partner left when I was pregnant and I ended up doing it all alone.

I had the same boob issues. Not tongue tie just bad technique (DD's) at the start but the damage was done. Total agony.

I expressed for about a week as they healed up (nearly) and then restarted with a lot of fancy nipple cream. I used breast guards to put her to the breast several times a day so she continued to get the idea. She was v small and underweight so either way I was topping up. It was relentless though as I had to express when she'd had ten mins on the boob, had a top up feed and then I'd express, sterilise stuff and all that jazz and have about 30 mins "off" before starting it al again.
My sympathies re the husband. If you are expressing/ formula then there's no reason not to get him involved and it's good for him not just to do his bit but to get more comfortable with a terrifyingly small and fragile baby. He can step up in other ways. My kids are 10 & 8 now and he still makes most of the evening meals......
The early days I remember like they were yesterday though. It does get better.

I remember my son saying ‘I didn’t sign up for this’,I told him tough get on with it.Admittedly it was twins but he is the best Dad ever now,does everything,in fact he’s just reduced his work days to 3 so his wife can work full time and he does the childcare

I think everyone is being really harsh on your husband. I'm a women and I found it bloody hard. There were many days I was sat in tears because I just couldn't cope with the sleep exhaustion. I felt myself skipping in to depression simply because I was so tired. Having 3 lots of 90 minutes sleep in the night sounds awful especially if your baby doesn't nap much in the day. Like others say, look in to silent reflux or tongue tie. I know newborns wake a lot but it does sound like your baby isn't getting enough sleep. This is really hard for you and your husband. Everyone who's calling your husband a drip and saying he should man up are being pretty unkind in my opinion. Just remember it gets so much easier. You will sleep again!

Tell him to pull himself together, he should be supporting you to recover from the birth.
After an early morning feed I'd take my DD for a walk in the pram for 2hrs so my wife could sleep undisturbed.
He should be thinking on about how to make your life easier when he returns to work, making meals to freeze etc for those days when neither of you want to cook. No point spending paternity leave ashen faced in your dressing gown!
He only need 6hrs sleep so he better get going and crack on.... it's not easy but it much better if you plan, prepare and work out who is getting up so the other can get a longer rest. No point both being "on duty" all the time, take turns.

@SallyWD

I think everyone is being really harsh on your husband. I'm a women and I found it bloody hard. There were many days I was sat in tears because I just couldn't cope with the sleep exhaustion. I felt myself skipping in to depression simply because I was so tired. Having 3 lots of 90 minutes sleep in the night sounds awful especially if your baby doesn't nap much in the day. Like others say, look in to silent reflux or tongue tie. I know newborns wake a lot but it does sound like your baby isn't getting enough sleep. This is really hard for you and your husband. Everyone who's calling your husband a drip and saying he should man up are being pretty unkind in my opinion. Just remember it gets so much easier. You will sleep again!

I found it hard as well. Particularly with the first, although the 4th was a challenge to say the least.

@SallyWD

I think everyone is being really harsh on your husband. I'm a women and I found it bloody hard. There were many days I was sat in tears because I just couldn't cope with the sleep exhaustion. I felt myself skipping in to depression simply because I was so tired. Having 3 lots of 90 minutes sleep in the night sounds awful especially if your baby doesn't nap much in the day. Like others say, look in to silent reflux or tongue tie. I know newborns wake a lot but it does sound like your baby isn't getting enough sleep. This is really hard for you and your husband. Everyone who's calling your husband a drip and saying he should man up are being pretty unkind in my opinion. Just remember it gets so much easier. You will sleep again!

Agree, you're in it together. So long as neither of you are shirking you both deserve support and empathy, your roles might differ but it's not easy for either and help should be given on a need basis. Op might need more physical help as she did the birth and is doing feeding, but if he's finding the emotional side hard to adjust to that's also understandable and worthy of support. All this must be mutual of course.

To be fair, I think it's pretty much a shock to all first time parents. And some people (male or female) do cope better/worse with sleep deprivation. No need to turn it into a competition. Be kind to one another. Your frustration is probably from a place of real exhaustion plus hormones unsettled. His grumpiness comes from a similar combination of pressures - just substitute less experience of babies than you (as a nanny) for the hormone issue.

You need to pull together and make sure you are giving each other support and that way, you can best support baby.

Taking an hour to settle after feeds needs action though - get a Health Visitor/Doc appointment. There could be lactose intolerance, reflux, etc etc and the sooner you get to grips with that the easier life will be and you can start to enjoy your PFB.

Also, men don't get the rush of oxytocin so don't always fall madly in love straight away which makes the dynamic of the hard stuff different. This will sound awful but my dh didn't feel actual love for dc1 until he was 9 months old, so all that time, even though he was a committed dad he was pushing through on determination alone. So when I was at the end of my tether I had huge love to power me on but he didn't, his love had to grow over time (he is a doting father).

I feel your pain. We went through this with our first - he was seriously ill and really was hard work, poor little bugger. Now we have seven week old twins, and they are easier going individually but of course it's a lot.

Having the twins helps me to realise that we made things harder than they needed to be first time round. First, kick your husband out of the bedroom. Let him sleep on the sofa and spot you at weekends so you can get some proper rest. It is easier on you because well, women are just superior, but also your sleep patterns adjust as a maternity freebee. It's evolutionary. Start expressing or check out Kendamil in a bottle - we were terrified of mix feeding and our twins flip happily between boob and bottle sometimes 3 or 4 times in a single feed! It's liberating. Remind your OH of how very lucky he is that you can do more.

If you are happy with bottle FGS buy a Tommy Tipper Perfect Prep. They are angel machines sent by a beneficent God.

Tell him crying is not a big deal. It's not a heavy emotional trauma, just a cute blob who fancies a snack. We could not survive with twins if we felt as overwhelmed by the crying as everyone does with their first.

Look into sleep training. We completely messed this up as anxious first time parents and wouldn't leave our DS' side for a year. He was waking up every 45 minutes to hang out by the end. One night of the gentlest possible approach without mum and dad right there and he slept through the night and has ever since. We could have done it 6 months earlier, and it was just a matter of paying £160 to a professional to keep us honest.

My husband is much better this time because he went through the ashen faced stage. It's tough on you and I totally get the feeling of mild annoyance at what feels like mildly performative man-child trauma but it's worth you taking on the emotional labour because in turn it then does make your life easier, and secondly (and sorry, I hate to raise this) if he's knackered and overwhelmed there is more risk to your baby whether it's dad falling asleep holding them or frustration. Keeping a lid on thinking my husband is a useless git was a baby-first strategy, and I felt less annoyed with him embracing it as such.

@douliket

If it was the other way around and you were exhausted and struggling and expressed that this wasn't the way you expected parenthood to be..everybody would be sympathetic. Why is everyone coming down so hard on your husband. It is hard,let him express it, don't get angry with him for saying so or don't be so unsympathetic when he says he did t have a good night. Stick together and support one another and these tough nights will pass

This!

And as for those saying “this is nothing, wait they are older, teenagers, etc” I found everything but the newborn stage a walk in the park in comparison.
It’s bloody tough on everyone involved. Don’t make it worse by fighting each other. As PPs have said, pull together and you will make it through.

Tbh, and this might surprise you, but I was a bit like this after I had my son. Omg. I remember waking up with dread and them bloody sore tits. That probably didn't help. But I do think it was a shock even though I knew I was having a baby for 9 months before. It's just time and adaptation then he will be fine. It is scary realising you're no longer free to do what you want and sleep when you want. The tiredness on top makes everything far worse.. .

I said it on week two with my first baby. I mean, good on you for making him do what you do, he should be pulling his weight during paternity leave (and all the time)- it's not a lovely snuggly baby holiday, its getting used to a new routine and helping the person whose body housed the baby to recover from the experience of getting them out of it. But I definitely said that after two weeks of no sleep. I think I tried to swig the fabric softener instead of the orange juice, cried, baby woke and cried and I desperately bleated to an empty room, "I didn't think it would be like this!"

I was about to say 'YANBU, he needs to pull himself together'. I mean, he does,and hopefully he will, but could you perhaps be underestimating how much being a nanny males a difference to how you are coping with your baby compared with him? You may not have nannied for newborns, but there's a huge difference between being used to dealing with tiny children and not.

*makes, not males!