Page 9 | DH is shocked by the reality of having a newborn

1forAll74 · 29/09/2021 13:46

I don't remember my late Husband losing any sleep when we had two babies, It was me who did all the night and day things baby wise. Lots of problems come with the territory of having a baby, you just have to get on with things .

Mommabear20 · 29/09/2021 13:59

Haha 😂 I left DH with our 2 DC for 2 hours the other afternoon (18 months and 3 months) I came back to him rocking the baby while they were both screaming and crying. I didn't bat an eyelid as this is pretty normal recently as DD is starting to show jealousy of baby and baby is having trouble with wind so needs lots of comforting. DH is in a strop that ' they only act like this for me!' Haha no sweetheart they're like this ALOT! Those lovely 8 hours you spend at work everyday, this is what I'm dealing with! My response? Suck it up buttercup! Then proceeded to leave him to it and make myself a lovely cup of tea 😂

gratedbeetroot · 29/09/2021 14:00

[quote whatswithtodaytoday]@Neonplant But living through it is incomparable with reading about it. Everyone knows having a newborn is hard... but until you've slept in 20 minute bursts and experienced the absolute mind fuck of looking after a helpless baby with no previous experience of babies while also getting no sleep, you can't really understand what it feels like.[/quote]
This.

Neonplant, yes, you can talk about it in advance. But if you just imagine the most tired that you’ve ever felt prior to having a newborn, as you suggest in one of your posts then you’d be in for a massive shock. You cannot understand just how tired you will be and how much of a shock it is until you actually experience it. I presumed you must not have children from reading your posts and I see I was right in that assumption.

aloris · 29/09/2021 14:03

The idea that you "cope better on no sleep" is an illusion. Sleep deprivation affects your health permanently, whether you feel you cope with it slightly more or slightly less. Don't let him put that entire burden on you. It should be shared. All possible nonessential tasks must be eliminated until the baby is giving you some decent blocks of sleep. Depending on the baby that could be anytime from about 6 weeks old to three months.

SylvanasWindrunner · 29/09/2021 14:11

I'd imagine the majority of new parents have never felt sleep deprivation before. I'd obviously been tired in my life, had bad nights, had the occasional night of no sleep, but I'd never had days upon days and weeks upon weeks of broken/heavily reduced sleep. Most people haven't, really, pre baby.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/09/2021 14:12

@1forAll74

I don't remember my late Husband losing any sleep when we had two babies, It was me who did all the night and day things baby wise. Lots of problems come with the territory of having a baby, you just have to get on with things .

How old are your children? Because these days it just isn't as acceptable for a man to sit on his bum watching a woman "getting on with it" with his kids a

Hankunamatata · 29/09/2021 14:13

Tbf my dh coped so much better with broken nights sleep than I did. In the end he practically got baby launched at him when he walked through the door at 6.30pm. I'd do a feed then go to bed. Dh would give 10pm bottle then settle in cot then I took over for the night which was usually 1am.

Bobsyer · 29/09/2021 14:17

Ugh, what a turnoff. I have no sympathy for men who behave like this. It’s so pathetic.

user1471538283 · 29/09/2021 14:23

My ex did the sum total of nothing when DS was a baby. No one surely ever thinks that a newborn is easy?

My DS didn't sleep through the night until he was three years old. I was working full time by then and studying as a single parent. You just have to get on with it as does he!

Athlebad · 29/09/2021 14:27

@WheelieBinPrincess

The health visitor was but just kept asking ‘but are you enjoying him though? Are you enjoying your baby?’ I said, obviously I love my baby, but I don’t know what you mean by enjoying?’ she just repeated ‘you need ri enjoy your baby’

I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to answer in all honesty.

He’s been checked fir tongue tie but doesn’t have it apparently- he just has a very lazy way of eating I think.

Pfft! What an unhelpful statement from the Health Visitor ('you need to enjoy your baby'). No, you need to feed your baby and do your best to care for it and just get through these first few exhausting weeks as best as you can. Enjoying any of it is a bonus...

Flobbertybillop · 29/09/2021 14:35

Someone mentioned gaviscon from the GP, if you have a dick if a gp who doesn’t believe you, you can order carobel from boots, which is magic for silent reflux.

Original poster

WheelieBinPrincess · 29/09/2021 14:40

@Flobbertybillop thank you… my GP wouldn’t prescribe anything for my horrible heartburn when pregnant so potentially would be a bit reluctant to prescribe for DS, especially as phone appointments only.

To the posters that mention validating DH’s feelings of shock and tiredness- I’m not sure. In my job I might do this with an upset toddler, as in ‘oh I get you’re so disappointed the ice cream van was all out of Mr Whippy!! I am too. Shall we get some ice cream from the shop instead?’

I’m not sure I can bring myself to use the same tactics on a 36 year old adult man.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 29/09/2021 14:41

Becoming a parent for the first time is a huge shock for anyone, no ones really prepared for what it’s going to be like, I mean how can something so tiny cause so much trouble? 🤣

Luckily my dh (now ex) already had 3 dc with his ex wife so it wasn’t such a shock to him as it was me, though he wasn’t that helpful and would sleep through the screaming baby leaving me to deal with it but when he was on paternity leave he would help out a lot with baby during the day. Our first dc was really hard work, cried all the time, had colic, hated being changed and was just hungry all the time so it was a huge shock especially for me. The 2nd one was a breeze 🤣

ChickPeaSalad · 29/09/2021 14:43

[quote WheelieBinPrincess]@Flobbertybillop thank you… my GP wouldn’t prescribe anything for my horrible heartburn when pregnant so potentially would be a bit reluctant to prescribe for DS, especially as phone appointments only.

To the posters that mention validating DH’s feelings of shock and tiredness- I’m not sure. In my job I might do this with an upset toddler, as in ‘oh I get you’re so disappointed the ice cream van was all out of Mr Whippy!! I am too. Shall we get some ice cream from the shop instead?’

I’m not sure I can bring myself to use the same tactics on a 36 year old adult man.[/quote]
Yep. Definitely contemptuous. I’m guessing your marriage wasn’t in a great place before baby came along, so it’s no wonder you’re struggling with one another now.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 29/09/2021 14:44

I have baby twins (and an older child) - I thought DH was prepared when the twins came home since this wasn't our first newborn rodeo but it's like being back at square one. I recall with eldest he got better when they were around 5 though OP 🤣

Original poster

WheelieBinPrincess · 29/09/2021 14:44

@ChickPeaSalad

Um, my marriage was (and will be, once we’ve weathered this particular storm) fine, thank you. That’s a very odd comment.

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RealBecca · 29/09/2021 14:48

Dont fall over yourself to voice the opinion he will need more sleep when hes back at work. You will be responsible for a tiny person and possibly driving her around so objectively its more important that you are well slept as you need to keep you and her safe.

ChickPeaSalad · 29/09/2021 14:49

[quote WheelieBinPrincess]@ChickPeaSalad

Um, my marriage was (and will be, once we’ve weathered this particular storm) fine, thank you. That’s a very odd comment.[/quote]
You dress up your opinion of your husband as if it’s a lighthearted, funny thing, but it reeks of contempt. Contempt being one of the most glaring signs a relationship is in trouble.

I sincerely hope you’re just venting on here and don’t seriously behave to him like you talk about on here. If you do then you might find in months and years to come you have a much bigger problem to hand than finding it ridiculous that a new father is finding it hard to adjust to a newborn (as many mothers have echoed on here).

You even referenced being a martyr in your first post so you clearly have some self awareness, which is great!

Original poster

WheelieBinPrincess · 29/09/2021 14:51

@ChickPeaSalad I can only think you are possibly projecting. I’m sorry about your marriage

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SylvanasWindrunner · 29/09/2021 14:52

She has a two-week-old baby and is knackered. Of course she's going to be a bit irritated by it?

diddl · 29/09/2021 14:53

@Bobsyer

Ugh, what a turnoff. I have no sympathy for men who behave like this. It’s so pathetic.

That's my overall thought as well.

He didn't think it would be as bad as it is, that's fair enough but he knows that the baby isn't sleeping much at night and therefore Op isn't.

He's not at work so why shouldn't he do a night or several?

Stropping off because of one bad night!

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 29/09/2021 14:54

I'm sorry, but I have to agree that you do sound quite contemptuous of him. Having a newborn is an exhausting shock for most parents, male or female. If you feel he isn't pulling his weight, do address it, but it's not using children's tactics on him to acknowledge and accept that both of you are probably finding this exhausting and overwhelming, even though your experiences of it are different.

Original poster

WheelieBinPrincess · 29/09/2021 14:59

I admit I find it hard to be sympathetic and NOT contemptuous towards someone that is aware that

I had a c-section
I was feeling ill from an infection and on antibiotics until yesterday
I’ve done 13/14 night wakings
I’ve survived on a two hour nap a day
I’m pumping milk multiple times a day like a dairy cow

And still says that I ‘don’t understand’ how exhausted he felt this morning. Now, DH is usually a very lovely, reasonable and intelligent bloke, so I’ll give him a chance to catch himself on, but it was supremely difficult not to absolutely lose my shit when he woke up (after a four hour and a half hour nap) and said that.

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twilightcafe · 29/09/2021 15:03

@WheelieBinPrincess

I’m not being very sympathetic.

We are both shattered, like all new parents I guess.

When we first got the baby home a couple of weeks ago, he was quite chilled (the baby was, and to an extent DH was too) he thought things were easy! Unfortunately DS hasn’t slept well at night, he’s a bit nocturnal- he’ll do 90 min stretches just 3x throughout the night so you can’t get a proper sleep. During the day he was fabulous at napping initially but he’s not great at the moment, he gets bad wind after a feed, gets uncomfortable and needs about an hour of comforting/winding.

‘I didn’t think it would be like this’ said DH yesterday

I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep so I’ve been doing the night shift, in the spare room with the baby, and trying to grab a few hours nap in the day, DH still has another week off work, but last night I’d had enough, I was dead on my feet, so I expressed some milk and handed over to DH.

I’ve just been into the bedroom to find DS sleeping peacefully, and DH practically rocking in a corner, ashen faced, like he has experienced a terrible and traumatic event.

I asked how he got on. ‘Not good’, he replied in shaky voice. I’ve got the baby now and he’s gone back to bed, in a strop, because I reminded him that it sounded like an entirely normal night to me.

AIBU (and possibly a bit of a martyr ?!)
But I wonder if DH pictured having a tiny baby as like having an agreeable little cat curled up in a corner, waking up for the odd feed and cuddle, letting us watch a box set of an evening and share a bottle of chianti.

I have to say, I thought looking after a newborn in the evenings would be like an agreeable little cat.

I assumed that if they woke in the night, you fed and burped them - then they went back to sleep.

SpicyTomatos · 29/09/2021 15:17

He could easily be suffering from post natal depression. It's an idea that doesn't exist on mumsnet, but a lot of new dads do get it.

You could ask if he thinks talking to someone about it would help or even just try to talk to him about it without trying to make it a competition about who is suffering more which invariably happens when everyone is exhausted.