DH is shocked by the reality of having a newborn

[WheelieBinPrincess]

I’m not being very sympathetic.

We are both shattered, like all new parents I guess.

When we first got the baby home a couple of weeks ago, he was quite chilled (the baby was, and to an extent DH was too) he thought things were easy! Unfortunately DS hasn’t slept well at night, he’s a bit nocturnal- he’ll do 90 min stretches just 3x throughout the night so you can’t get a proper sleep. During the day he was fabulous at napping initially but he’s not great at the moment, he gets bad wind after a feed, gets uncomfortable and needs about an hour of comforting/winding.

‘I didn’t think it would be like this’ said DH yesterday

I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep so I’ve been doing the night shift, in the spare room with the baby, and trying to grab a few hours nap in the day, DH still has another week off work, but last night I’d had enough, I was dead on my feet, so I expressed some milk and handed over to DH.

I’ve just been into the bedroom to find DS sleeping peacefully, and DH practically rocking in a corner, ashen faced, like he has experienced a terrible and traumatic event.

I asked how he got on. ‘Not good’, he replied in shaky voice. I’ve got the baby now and he’s gone back to bed, in a strop, because I reminded him that it sounded like an entirely normal night to me.

AIBU (and possibly a bit of a martyr ?!)
But I wonder if DH pictured having a tiny baby as like having an agreeable little cat curled up in a corner, waking up for the odd feed and cuddle, letting us watch a box set of an evening and share a bottle of chianti.

He could easily be suffering from post natal depression. It's an idea that doesn't exist on mumsnet, but a lot of new dads do get it.

It's fine to be shocked at the life changes a baby brings, it's an adjustment for both parents for sure. But men wallowing in "post natal" depression while their partners have done all the physical work of pregnancy/childbirth and the majority of the child rearing and sleep deprivation is pretty pathetic. Sounds like the type of men who get "post natal" depression are the type of men who can't stand being the centre of attention anymore.

DH had clinical depression following the trauma of our twins birth.
Yes the timing sucked for me but he wasn't wallowing, he was very unwell.
We need to treat mental health issues better than this.

Following medication, therapy and regular exercise he has been well since they were small. But he is bright, funny and successful, not in the slightest pathetic. ( He is rubbish at sleep deprivation though)

It's 'so mean' for OP to come on MN and express her impatience with her husband rocking in a corner having looked after the baby for one night - she should 'be kind' and show some support and love.

No mention of how he could have worded it as "blimey, I didn't realise how hard this would be, I'm in awe at your strength dear wife".

What a surprise, a wife having to be the gatekeeper of her husband's feelings while he strops off to go back to bed.

@WheelieBinPrincess YANBU. I think I would be having words in the morning if he doesn't apologise for his strop.

I guess it's a possibility he has depression. Not sure it sounds like it though from what OP has said.

I'm certainly not saying she has to "be kind" a super annoying trite expression.
Or that she can't express how fed up she is that her DH can't carry the load she can.

I'm saying that stating that someone who has depression is wallowing has a very dated and unhelpful view of mental health issues.

I was picking up on Ledition's points not OP's posts. Honestly I remember the new born baby phase as hell for everyone involved.

I wasn't responding specifically to you @ducksalive - I don't disagree with you about your points on depression at all.

Sorry for jumping to that conclusion @Bobsyer

It’s a shock to the system! I think people are giving the DH a hard time. Everyone copes in different ways. But he does need to understand your exhaustion and be prepared to sacrifice a night sleep so you can rest. The important thing is to learn to rest when you can. I never did this and was totally exhausted but if you take it easy and snooze a bit in the day when the baby does then it will help. Same goes for your DH.

I'd want to get this man back to work as soon as possible. He sounds bloody soft!
Take back all control of this stage is my advice. I did all nightfeeds with 3 kids. Women have been doing this since time began and coping very well without non existent support from childish men.

Try having 3 under 5!!!!

He is seriously rocking in a corner with a shaky voice. He needs a massive grip! Who are these men ffs!

@bondgirl76 tell me about it. I was ill after my third with a serious infection. My husband did the feeds, went to work full time.....2 in 18m too!

Sorry not RTFT but could you do half the night each and see if that helps. So one does 6pm-12 and the other does 12-6am. That means that you’ll both get 6 hours of sleep at night. You could alternate who does which shift.

Having a baby is a shock to the system. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You will muddle along like the rest of us and come our the other end battered but wiser for it! And it doesn’t get any easier either! These are the good years.. trust me!!

Sounds about right!

Wait until he's back wt work and then he will have that as an excuse to do fuck all to help

Oh and he will prob start to work later into the evenings too

I was told to keep breastfeeding through mastitis as it help clear ‘the pipes’. Also, if using a bottle, babies can often swallow more air and be colicky.

Frankly he needs to man up or you will get lumbered with all the grunt work

It was a massive shock here too. I think we were set for difficult nights from the off...DS was jaundice & had an infection when he was born, so we spent 10 days in hospital & I had to feed him every 2 hrs even if he was asleep (on midwife orders). Got us into a difficult routine to break.
We did it though!

I think, in the majority of cases, it does get easier. You just need to find your own rhythm with what works best for you both.

True story:

And please dont give a second thought about the health visitor. They were useless ime. I had one who kept going on about getting the baby registered with a dentist when all i cared anout was surviving each day

The first few weeks were awful for me. From memory, baby slotted into a better sleeping pattern from about 3 months

Just don't get into the competitive lack of sleep conversation, that way madness lies. Make a pact that if one of you needs to vent the other listens and sympathises end of (assuming it's fair and not about blaming the other). Yes it's a shock to the system, acknowledge that, remind him you're also adjusting even if you seem to be making a better show of it and then work out best way to crack on together.

My male colleagues with newborns used to come to work for 7am, two hours earlier than most of us, and they would openly admit it was so they could get out of night duty and avoid morning duty.

I don’t think anyone who’s never had children, can understand just how much work it really is. No one can prepare anyone for that level of 24/7 care.

It’s a shock to the system to most people. Obviously dependent on the navy and whether it’s a good sleeper, has silent reflex etc etc whether you r got a good support network around you, will all impact on your perception of parenthood

The early stages are brutal as it’s a shock to the system as you have this tiny life dependent on you and you can’t just roll over.

He needs to be doing 50:50 with you now whilst he’s off! It does get easier though but the lack of sleep is the clanger

If he was really that bad and this is not an exaggeration he needs some professional help (as in counselling) and I wouldn’t leave him with the baby. Yes it’s hard but that’s not a normal response he’s having.

TableFlowers if only you could call upon the navy to step in at this time of need! I imagine sailors would be great at rocking baby to sleep.

Can men get PND?