DH is shocked by the reality of having a newborn

[WheelieBinPrincess]

I’m not being very sympathetic.

We are both shattered, like all new parents I guess.

When we first got the baby home a couple of weeks ago, he was quite chilled (the baby was, and to an extent DH was too) he thought things were easy! Unfortunately DS hasn’t slept well at night, he’s a bit nocturnal- he’ll do 90 min stretches just 3x throughout the night so you can’t get a proper sleep. During the day he was fabulous at napping initially but he’s not great at the moment, he gets bad wind after a feed, gets uncomfortable and needs about an hour of comforting/winding.

‘I didn’t think it would be like this’ said DH yesterday

I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep so I’ve been doing the night shift, in the spare room with the baby, and trying to grab a few hours nap in the day, DH still has another week off work, but last night I’d had enough, I was dead on my feet, so I expressed some milk and handed over to DH.

I’ve just been into the bedroom to find DS sleeping peacefully, and DH practically rocking in a corner, ashen faced, like he has experienced a terrible and traumatic event.

I asked how he got on. ‘Not good’, he replied in shaky voice. I’ve got the baby now and he’s gone back to bed, in a strop, because I reminded him that it sounded like an entirely normal night to me.

AIBU (and possibly a bit of a martyr ?!)
But I wonder if DH pictured having a tiny baby as like having an agreeable little cat curled up in a corner, waking up for the odd feed and cuddle, letting us watch a box set of an evening and share a bottle of chianti.

I agree the tag-teaming is the way to go.

DD11 (n12) I can't remember exactly but DD3 was colicky 7pm-12am on average, so we used to alternate shifts of 8pm-12am (awake holding her on the sofa) and 12am-8am where she would sleep and wake for feeds.

I do think a newborn can be very traumatising but at the same time everyone has to pull their weight.

Christ! Sleep deprivation is awful but the dressing gown of doom... that would push me over the bloody edge op, you are an absolute saint, let me tell you.

My dh used to ask me if he looked tired during our first newborn experience. I was sympathetic for a couple of months until I was forced to explain he was more likely to die from irritating me than newborn fatigue.

We then tag teamed it which served us well through three bouts of non-sleeping newborns.

We are still happily married. He never wore a dressing gown though.

Does he look this tired op?

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose

TableFlowers if only you could call upon the navy to step in at this time of need! I imagine sailors would be great at rocking baby to sleep.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Aww it gets easier.... my little one is just over three months and it defiantly is getting better No one gets anything done with a newborn just do what u can and go with the flow and don't have things U need to achieve. My oh runs his own business and is never here so I
Just have to get on with it x

😆 he does look pretty tired. I’ve bunged the dressing gown in the wash so he couldn’t doom around in it this morning. Nowt worse than a manky dressing gown.

Last night I slept 10-2am, then did 2-7 with the baby, slept 7-9am. It was ok. We both got a chunk at least.

I don’t exactly know I have mastitis- I was put on antibiotics for ‘an infection’ after a blood test but I don’t know where the infection came from. My boobs literally had open blisters on the nipples where he’s latched badly and gummed down on them. Christ knows I tried to push through. I am not putting him back on to do it again, I don’t care what anyone says, it was agony. The pump is the only conceivable way to give him breast milk.

Don’t worry .. if People were honest … it’s a big shock to the system … takes some adjustment… I still am after 34 years lol we were knackered and back again … i promise you and if I could tell my younger self anything it would be … don’t over fret about the housework .. and it will go sooo quickly
It really will and then the empty nest is a whole different show … look after yourself … most people feel like it … it’s just taboo to mention it … it’s still wonderful but when in tbe moment it’s sometimes difficult to see that with the enormousness of it all ❤️

@Burgerqueenbee

Dont want to be too harsh but while your husband is off work (and when he is not working such as weekends etc) he should be doing more night time helping. DH and I used to swap over at 3/4am so we both managed to get some sleep. I think what we found more of a shock to the system was when the initial eat, sleep, repeat cycle when I could get things done round the house changed into shorter naps and more active wake time. Now it's a luxury to get a load of washing pegged out 🤣

And I used to go to bed immediately after dinner (which I didn't make...), be brought DS for a feed then he was taken away for winding etc. I'd get DS back about 11, and not sleep much partly due to my own anxiety, til 6ish when DH would have him a couple of hours, in carrier to walk dogs etc, then return him as he went to work but ready for boob and a nap together.

I had the opposite experience. It was me who wasn't prepared for the reality. DP worked long hours and was used to living on 3 or 4 hours sleep. I had some complications, had a blood transfusion and still felt anaemic. We spent the easy sleeper first week in hospital. A few days after getting home in week two the sleeping stopped. DP woke up to me quietly crying in the corner while feeding DD because I couldn't open my eyes (I honestly thought they were broken). He also got the fright of his life when he found me sleeping under the shower (I decided to sit down because I was tired then fell asleep). When we were a few months in and I was feeling better he told me I had looked like a traumatised war victim for the first month at home. By the time she was two months old I was feeling better and so obsessed that I wasted hours just watching her when I could have been sleeping.

My husband managed to sleep through out the night. He wasn't much help. He also was going off for interviews for other jobs when my daughter was only a few days old. I was breastfeeding and she was a little & often baby. Things got better when she went onto solids.

Does your sons tongue look ok - not white and sore at all? When my ds was a baby he didn’t latch properly at first, I ended up with an infected boob and he had thrush in his mouth and a really sore tongue so might be worth a look.

We found that hubby couldn't do the 4am feed, he was on his arse, grumpy and miserable. So we decided that I would Happily trot off to bed at 9pm and he would do everything baby up until the 1.30 feed and then anything after that (usually 4am feed) I would do. Worked well for us, I'm sure you'll all find your groove soon x

Please make sure you continue to make DH do his fair share. Many years ago my DH didn’t and it included all of our children’s lives. Now they have grown up, left home and have successfull careers he actually believes, and his words were: “we did a really good job of bringing up the girls didn’t we”!!

It is really bloody hard with a newborn when the reality kicks in. My DH was fine the first week with DC1 then seemed to go into shock a bit as if realising just how relentless it is and will be.

While on paternity leave he initially focused on keeping the house running while I recovered from my section and focused on establishing feeding. I kind of reminded him that he also needed to use the time to learn how to look after the baby and bond with her as he had absolutely no experience with babies at all. I think he was a little nervous that he’d get it wrong whereas I was confident.

We did bicker a bit due to tiredness but then agreed that competitive tiredness helps nobody and just makes us cross. If you’re tired then you’re tired…. whether it’s more or less than the other isn’t going to change that!

I did every night feed as was ebf but would sometimes hand dd over after the feed for him to settle her. During the day I abandoned all normal daytime stuff for the first few weeks and slept when I got the chance.

I think it’s reasonable to validate an adults feelings - it’s a huge change for both of you. But then be clear about expectations and don’t be a martyr.

Regarding reflux, reflux is not a condition in itself, rather a symptom of something. Usually a less than optimal latch (to breast or bottle), tongue tie, etc. Most HVs and even midwives aren’t great with feeding support so you’d be best off contacting your local infant feeding specialist, IBCLC or lactation consultant. A poor latch is also a contributor towards mastitis as the breast isn’t being drained properly. You will probably find baby settles better and is less restless if breastfed as they can feed on demand, get skin to skin, can co sleep safely etc. It’s definitely possible to get back breastfeeding especially as hes so young. Have a look at the group “Breastfeeding Yummy Mummies” on fb. The admins are qualified IBCLC/lactation specialists and they give excellent evidence based advice on breastfeeding and expressing without the need to add in things like gaviscon that can often make things worse.

@WheelieBinPrincess

😆 he does look pretty tired. I’ve bunged the dressing gown in the wash so he couldn’t doom around in it this morning. Nowt worse than a manky dressing gown.

Last night I slept 10-2am, then did 2-7 with the baby, slept 7-9am. It was ok. We both got a chunk at least.

I don’t exactly know I have mastitis- I was put on antibiotics for ‘an infection’ after a blood test but I don’t know where the infection came from. My boobs literally had open blisters on the nipples where he’s latched badly and gummed down on them. Christ knows I tried to push through. I am not putting him back on to do it again, I don’t care what anyone says, it was agony. The pump is the only conceivable way to give him breast milk.

Breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt, snd if it does and ends up in nipple trauma like this it’s because of a poor latch. In most cases a few positioning tweaks can resolve this very quickly, but in some cases baby has a tongue tie which prevents them opening their mouth wide enough to get a deep latch so the tie needs to be snipped. In the mean time, silver cups and Jelonet dressings are both fantastic for healing nipple trauma. Hopefully you’ll be able to get back breastfeeding with the appropriate support. X

I could have written this 8 years ago! The lack of sleep was a complete culture shock for my DH. It took quite a while for him to adjust and some tears but it happened. Now, he's a better early riser than me.

Don't we all think that? I remember thinking 'why did I not appreciate sleep more?'

Sounds like my husband! He admitted if he had known babies were this much work he would have thought twice about having one! Mind you he is now asking if we should try for another So you will get through this. Congratulations!

Dies your baby cough and splutter a lot when feeding? I only ask because my baby suffered alot with latch and tummy ache after uncomfortable crying etc it turned out that she didn't have the correct suck swallow breath sequence so use to swallow a lot of air but the milk use to also go down the wrong way. Unfortunately for my baby no one would help until 6 months when I rang nicu asking if I could have another special teat dummy as she couldn't use a normal one that she said she needed to be seen by speech and language.

@WheelieBinPrincess

😆 he does look pretty tired. I’ve bunged the dressing gown in the wash so he couldn’t doom around in it this morning. Nowt worse than a manky dressing gown.

Last night I slept 10-2am, then did 2-7 with the baby, slept 7-9am. It was ok. We both got a chunk at least.

I don’t exactly know I have mastitis- I was put on antibiotics for ‘an infection’ after a blood test but I don’t know where the infection came from. My boobs literally had open blisters on the nipples where he’s latched badly and gummed down on them. Christ knows I tried to push through. I am not putting him back on to do it again, I don’t care what anyone says, it was agony. The pump is the only conceivable way to give him breast milk.

With everything you've posted I'd bet money on your wee one having a tongue tie.

My nipples were shreded by my DC with an undiagnosed tongue tie.

It's really worth pushing to have a second opinion on that because it might help with his feeding generally (I don't blame you for not putting him back on - it agony when it goes like that!)

@WheelieBinPrincess

To be fair to him, NCT was mostly complete bollocks, the practical element involved pretending to bathe a doll. Mainly it was a lot of shite about how ‘any woman can breastfeed if they want to enough’ and how drugs during birth would practically turn your newborn into a crack addict.

Joining in late from Highlights to say BRAVO, @WheelieBinPrincess, for summing up to a T exactly what NCT is like.

I'd want to get this man back to work as soon as possible. He sounds bloody soft!
Take back all control of this stage is my advice. I did all nightfeeds with 3 kids. Women have been doing this since time began and coping very well without non existent support from childish men

Well that's just grand but most women expect their partners to be equal parents these days.

I think all guys tend to think having kids, is a walk in the park, they see all the soaps and films, where the child is angelic and sleeps through the night.
My other half originally wanted 3 kids, I didn't want kids, I aren't the meternal type, our son wasn't as demanding as your new born, but he didn't like napping after 8 weeks, he cried the house down when I put him down in the moses basket, plus he cluster fed and I constantly had my boobs out.
He decided, when I son was a year old so old, my partner said, well that was harder than I thought, which was a giggle, as I did most of the donkey work.
He also decided that 1 kid was enough. 😅 Coleaf is good if he gets colic, infacol is good to help with wind, that and grape water helps with wind, I did infacol before feed and grape water. But my son didn't burp much, he farted more, you could feel it through his nappy. 😂