DH is shocked by the reality of having a newborn

[WheelieBinPrincess]

I’m not being very sympathetic.

We are both shattered, like all new parents I guess.

When we first got the baby home a couple of weeks ago, he was quite chilled (the baby was, and to an extent DH was too) he thought things were easy! Unfortunately DS hasn’t slept well at night, he’s a bit nocturnal- he’ll do 90 min stretches just 3x throughout the night so you can’t get a proper sleep. During the day he was fabulous at napping initially but he’s not great at the moment, he gets bad wind after a feed, gets uncomfortable and needs about an hour of comforting/winding.

‘I didn’t think it would be like this’ said DH yesterday

I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep so I’ve been doing the night shift, in the spare room with the baby, and trying to grab a few hours nap in the day, DH still has another week off work, but last night I’d had enough, I was dead on my feet, so I expressed some milk and handed over to DH.

I’ve just been into the bedroom to find DS sleeping peacefully, and DH practically rocking in a corner, ashen faced, like he has experienced a terrible and traumatic event.

I asked how he got on. ‘Not good’, he replied in shaky voice. I’ve got the baby now and he’s gone back to bed, in a strop, because I reminded him that it sounded like an entirely normal night to me.

AIBU (and possibly a bit of a martyr ?!)
But I wonder if DH pictured having a tiny baby as like having an agreeable little cat curled up in a corner, waking up for the odd feed and cuddle, letting us watch a box set of an evening and share a bottle of chianti.

I don't think many men or women know what is going to hit them when they have a baby. If they did they likely would not have them

Tbh loads of friends of mine (male and female) have been in 'WTF have I done!!!???' Mode at some point in the first few months. Good to get sleep when you can, and share out naps etc. As frustrating as it is, be kind to him and acknowledge that its tough sometimes, you will probably hit a wobble at some point with it all, I think most people do, and you'll want him there showing kindness when you do. Try t9 do some nice things together even if it's falling asleep to a good film together with your fave food. Don't loose sight of each other and let this polarize you. Xx

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

Stop the “women cope better on no sleep” myth and drag him into reality

Yes it is tough, and yes EVERYONE underestimated it. That is all part of it

Some people cope better without sleep. In my relationship my husband can manage on less sleep/no sleep than I can.

@pinkyredrose

Be careful he doesn't carry on pulling this stunt or soon you'll find you're in charge of everything baby related because 'you're better at it',

This with bells on. The baby will also end up refusing DH and then you'll get "she just won't settle for me". I've been there. Put your foot down now, explain its shit for everyone for a few months but you need to be PARTNERS to get through this.

Practically listening to audiobooks during the night can keep you sane.

I don't think anyone is really prepared for it, even if you've been around babies before. The actual reality of no sleep is something you can't imagine, no matter how many books you read. So I don't blame him for being shocked, but that doesn't mean he can get away with not pulling his weight. He needs to get his arse in gear. Ok, it's incredibly difficult, but that goes for both of you. Now you need to work out a way to share the labour fairly, especially once he goes back to work.

It's completely understandable that he's struggling with the adjustment. I didn't know what hit me, and neither did DH.

What isn't fair is him not pulling his weight. If you're both off work, he should be doing 50% of the overnight work, as far as possible - obviously he can't pump! I was bfing, so DH did the nappies and at least half of the winding, settling, walking the floors with a sleeping baby bit.

It's like a bomb waiting to go off. I'm still traumatised 9 and 11 years on.

DH works away so we couldn't share. Your DH will have a break at work 🤪🤪

My dh had never even held a baby when ds was born prematurely.. Shock to the system totally. I bf and managed the nights but dh took ds downstairs at 5 am ish so I could get a sold 3 hours in. Worked for us.

I think it can be a slippery slope if you get into the habit of sleeping in separate rooms. The early weeks are so hard but it helps to approach it as a team, in the long run. My partner’s job was picking up the baby, bringing them to me, I’d feed them and he’d put her back in cot. We only ever slept in separate rooms if one of us was very very tired or had something on the next day that they really needed to be rested for. It is survival in the early days but it helps to get used to it together rather than try to shield each other from the hard parts. He will learn and adjust.

I’m sorry, I’m laughing at your DH rocking in the corner like he’s been through a traumatic event!!

We were both surprised at how hard the first 6 weeks were! It’s bloody tough and you have no choice but to get on with it. Don’t given in to the dramatics! It gets easier I promise.

YANBU. It’s hard. Me and OH literally took shifts for the first 2 weeks and slept in the day when we needed it. Not a lot changed when he went back to work to be fair and he’d do 6pm- 2am while I caught up on sleep.

In my experience people do cope differently with lack of sleep. For instance dh can cope with no/very little sleep but can't manage broken sleep. I'm the reverse. So in the early day he would stay up til 1/2 with the baby while I went to bed at 9. We both got a chunk of sleep then. You just need to work out what suits you both and acknowledge that you might manage differently

I think it was a massive shock for both me and DH tbh. Neither of us cope well without sleep.

By the time we had DC3 we figured out that what worked best for us in the newborn days was kicking DH out of our bedroom and me cosleeping with the baby. Plenty of room for us two and I could relax about not squashing her, she fed easily while we lay side by side. DH got a decent nights sleep so was better able to help during the day and I didn’t worry about him crashing the car from tiredness once back at work.

I think you are being a bit harsh actually. Mainly because both me and my husband had no idea what having a baby would be actually like! Different people cope better with big life changes and cope better with sleep depracation and the responsibilities of being a new parent than others, and no one knows how they are going to take to it til they try.
I knew babies woke up in the night, what I didnt know is that they would stay awake for bloody ages and cry for hours every evening for no apparent reason (thanks nct for the 'babies always have a reason and you just need to figure out why!), and how hard it would be when you can't figure out why they do it, or do anything to stop it.

Mine stopped being nocturnal around the 6 week stage and then started sleeping a little bit better around 10 weeks.

If he doesn't pull his weight then that's a different matter but if he is doing everything that he can and just not enjoying it, or finding it harder than he thought, that's ok

Good for you that you got him to do a night and see what you actually do!

A lot of people i know have split the night into shifts. Even if you could sleep 7pm -midnight or 1 am when he's back at work, at least you're getting a block of sleep.

We found infacol worked well for the wind (may have been a placebo for us or her though!).

Yeah, it’s a bit of a shock to all of us
You might have some extra hormones to help but you have also just been through something physically very very hard .
Don’t buy into the whole “women can cope better with no sleep bollocks” either. He can be as traumatised as he wants as long as he cracks on with it

I disagree with the separate rooms being a bad thing. It made me angry even hearing him breathe when I was awake feeding and he was asleep.

I did EBF so he couldn’t do those but if the babies wouldn’t settle after that, I would make him take his turn - he’d go downstairs and watch top gear repeats in the dark

I do wonder if people actually talk about the reality of having a baby before they have one? As this seems so common.

Do you actually do better off the back of a night with no sleep or do you just suck it up?

Of course he was ashen faced with shocked. You've been doing everything.
Don't let him away with it.
When he goes back to work he needs to do the Fri and Sat nights (or whatever works for you)

Yeah, we need to look at tag-teeming the nights I think, I’ll get used to going to bed really early then swap. I think I’m conscious of DH needing more rest when he’s back at work but he works with computers and not in air traffic control, and they have a really decent coffee machine, so maybe I’m overthinking that.

Fuckin' A! I was shocked to have a newborn! It's a pretty steep learning curve OP. for you both. You'll navigate your way through this uncharted terrain... and then you'll go and have another one, then possibly another one still, then another, and another...
It's all utter madness.
Congratulation! Carry each other. Give each other the benefit of the doubt and make sure your DH lets you sleep! You're the one doing most of the hard work with feeding, etc. so insist on more sleep!

Sounds familiar, and my DH is an excellent parent but was just very unprepared for the reality. I had no experience of newborns but I read everything, trawled MN constantly and spoke to everyone I knew with parenting experience. DH did none of that and thought that reading up about everything would worry me unnecessarily So whilst the newborn stage was very tough for both of us, he was clutching at straws the whole time whilst I was able to draw on what I’d learned. We’re just different people and whilst it did cause rows when we were both tired and a bit shocked, we’ve been able to come out the other side of it and recognise that we both have strengths and weaknesses and it’s easier to not sweat the small stuff (ie, he asked me once to stop moving around upstairs, putting laundry away etc, as he was “terrified” that DS would wake up. I just rolled my eyes and continued)

Right now, though, tell him to pull himself together. Do not let him shirk the night feed/settling or the shitwork, no matter if you genuinely do cope better. He needs to learn to cope better!

A baby’s “night” is 10-12 hours and most adults can survive on 4-5 hours sleep if they really have to. So dh and I split each night in half. I can sleep earlier than him and was bf so I slept first for 4 hours while dh saw to any baby wakings, with expressed milk if necessary, then he got a shift of sleep.
That way neither of us could really resent the other and we both got just about enough sleep to stay almost sane.

I had little idea about babies and found it a massive shock, as did DH.

Wouldn’t go down the road of prioritising your H’s sleep over yours - I did that with DC1 and it didn’t go well for my health or our relationship! Unless your H has a dangerous job your sleep is as important as his.

He can find it hard, talk to you and friends about it, seek help if he feels really bad. He can still do his fair share of parenting. Some fathers are unwilling to do that, sadly.

I think you need to find where each of your strengths/weaknesses are and work around those.

I need more sleep than DH overall, but I cope better with broken sleep than he does. So I need about eight/nine hours overall but I can handle that broken into chunks. He only needs 5/6 hours but struggles way more than I do with it being broken up. So we settled on me doing night wakings, especially as I was breastfeeding but him taking DD v early in the morning and keeping her for 3 hours or so before he started work so I could put earplugs in and sleep (and then the same after work if I needed a nap).

I usually had some expressed milk in the fridge he could give her so he didn't have to wake me to feed her too. DD is 2.5 now and he still takes her every morning. And in the early days I think it helped a lot with helping him feel involved and also meant he learned to settle her in his own way without me hovering and that she has always been happy to be with him.

I think you tend to just find your rhythm eventually, but make sure it's one that is fair!