DH is shocked by the reality of having a newborn

[WheelieBinPrincess]

I’m not being very sympathetic.

We are both shattered, like all new parents I guess.

When we first got the baby home a couple of weeks ago, he was quite chilled (the baby was, and to an extent DH was too) he thought things were easy! Unfortunately DS hasn’t slept well at night, he’s a bit nocturnal- he’ll do 90 min stretches just 3x throughout the night so you can’t get a proper sleep. During the day he was fabulous at napping initially but he’s not great at the moment, he gets bad wind after a feed, gets uncomfortable and needs about an hour of comforting/winding.

‘I didn’t think it would be like this’ said DH yesterday

I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep so I’ve been doing the night shift, in the spare room with the baby, and trying to grab a few hours nap in the day, DH still has another week off work, but last night I’d had enough, I was dead on my feet, so I expressed some milk and handed over to DH.

I’ve just been into the bedroom to find DS sleeping peacefully, and DH practically rocking in a corner, ashen faced, like he has experienced a terrible and traumatic event.

I asked how he got on. ‘Not good’, he replied in shaky voice. I’ve got the baby now and he’s gone back to bed, in a strop, because I reminded him that it sounded like an entirely normal night to me.

AIBU (and possibly a bit of a martyr ?!)
But I wonder if DH pictured having a tiny baby as like having an agreeable little cat curled up in a corner, waking up for the odd feed and cuddle, letting us watch a box set of an evening and share a bottle of chianti.

Good on you for making DH do his share, now he has some idea of what you have had to do . YANBU at all .

So said every DH/DP in week 2 in the history of humanity

It gets better at about 6 weeks if I remember.

think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep What makes you think that?

Your husband is being a drip. What did he do to prepare for fatherhood, read any books, talked to other (responsible) fathers, any classes on-line or otherwise?

I think most people think having a baby is easier than it actually is but it's a lot harder because of the tiredness, I think as a non parent you don't think you could ever be that tired and survive 😂.

At least now he sees what you go through every night, it does get easier but YANBU

No advice on what to do with your husband. You’re both in this together and he’ll get through it with you as ling as you are easy on eachother. I always say the first few weeks is about survival not routine.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was that the baby may have silent reflux so look it up and if you think he has the symptoms then go to the doctor. He may even have a milk allergy (if he has any rashes). But with the silent reflux he may not be sick but will be unsettled after a feed and need sitting up a bit more during and after a feed. If you think it is this then go to the doctor who can prescribe some gaviscon (hopefully).

Good luck!

To be fair to your DH was exactly the same when we had our DC. I cannot manage without sleep and my DH copes much better so he did most of the nights allowing me to sleep in order to be able to cope during the day. No-one needs to be a martyr, you just need to organise things in a way that suits you both. I too had a rosy vision of how things would be and it took a while to realise it wasn't going to be like that at all.

Ah yes I remember those days. The reality hit DH harder I must say. Couldn’t breast feed so we shared the nights and that was a help. Important to lay down now that you expect him to contribute equally & not be a martyr. Fat lot of good it did me though

Be careful he doesn't carry on pulling this stunt or soon you'll find you're in charge of everything baby related because 'you're better at it',

Yanbu but I guess maybe you read up a bit more about the reality of newborns and perhaps were more aware and prepared. And your BF hormones help you to sleep lighter in preparation of never ever sleeping more than 5 minutes ever again (well, just feels like that!).
Poor old DH will be luckily skipping back off to work I assume next week so the reality is he will continue to assume the baby isn’t as bad as all that as it won’t affect him as much.
My husband used to tell people the baby slept really well- he was in the spare room so didn’t see the eleventy zillion feeds I was awake for! 🤦🏻‍♀️

You don’t cope better with more sleep, you just try harder when you are very tired. You’re recovering from birth and pregnancy, you need rest too.

Before our DD was born, my DH thought he was going to build a shed while looking after her on Shared Parental Leave. He literally thought all she would do is eat and sleep (anywhere, on command) for a whole year. Oh how we laugh now.

Knock the 'coping' on the head right now and get back in your own bedroom. You are both parents and at this early stage it's all hands on deck.

That cat thing is EXACTLY what I thought. I remember my naivety well! OP, try to pull together not apart, encourage him and tell him what you need. He's struggling, so are you but you can do this.

I wouldn't be too harsh on him as some people really cannot cope with the lack of sleep. I think its important to take turns on the night feeds though so one person doesn't get burnt out.

Stop the “women cope better on no sleep” myth and drag him into reality

Yes it is tough, and yes EVERYONE underestimated it. That is all part of it

I think parenthood is a huge adjustment to make for anyone. You’ve had months of physical changes to get your head found and he hasn’t in the same way.

I’d have a bit of empathy for him - while fully expecting him to pull his weight.

It was his first night with a tiny baby, it’s reasonable that he’d find it hard going - in the same way as new mums do. I know nothing prepared me for the reality of parenting.

I'm on a video meeting at work, camera off, scrolling MN & actually laughed out loud picturing your traumatised Dh.
What a drip, sooo glad you showed him what it's like but I'm shocked he went back to bed with the hump.
Good luck to you OP, you're gonna need it ❤️

To be fair, he's not wrong- it really is hard! It's difficult in that newborn fog but if you both keep in mind each other's feelings it does make it easier because you feel more like a team (as long as he is pulling his weight- obviously if he isn't he deserves no sympathy!)

It was a shock to me too to be honest. But please don't fall into the trap of doing the hard parts or that might become the norm going forward. There may be many years of broken sleep ahead. Do not accept this as YOUR JOB.

We tried different things. Sometimes it was shifts - I did wakings before midnight, he did wakings after midnight. Or we took it turn about during the night each time DC woke.

When I was EBF he got baby up, did nappy changes, handed to me, I fed and handed back. He settled her.

For us it helped to have very clear sharing arrangements for thus and other child/house work. Otherwise I ended up doing the lion's share and feeling resentful.

It’s really hard but the men should realize it’s a lot harder for the women who have given birth on top of caring for a newborn and are fysically and often mentally too recovering from pregnancy and birth, plus all the hormones raging. My sympathy is reserved for them.

You literally could be me! We had the exact same issue down to me doing doing night shifts and him rocking in a corner after the one night a week he did . Does he also claim that the night he did was infinitely worse than yours no matter what? After a few "discussions" he started picking up the slack around the house which made it easier to cope with shit nights because you could just nap if baby slept a decent time rather than trying to clean the kitchen or whatever if that's something that could help? YANBU in any way though, a child has 2 parents and each deserve to have decent sleep as much as the other. For what it's worth it did improve after a few months as he adjusted to the new normal and now there's very rarely a complaint after a bad night. Men do tend to get hit harder with the reality of a baby (probably because they haven't spent 9 months being woken up by a gymnast bouncing on their bladder or SPD so bad they have to lift their leg by hand to turn over) and some unfortunately need that little bit longer to get used to it. Congratulations and one day in the not so distant future you will get to spend an evening enjoying that bottle of Chianti (and he can be on baby duty to make up for the months of not doing it )

Well, I think the problem is he was lulled into a false sense of security because the baby WAS chilled and sleepy at first- during the day anyway- for the first week. He even ordered a new computer game

He had one of those ‘cool’ dad manual books, though it’s not really well thumbed, and we did NCT. I got mastitis so I’m not breastfeeding but I am expressing 70% of feeds. I’m a nanny so I’m used to fractious infants to an extent though this is my first experience of a newborn. I keep telling him it’s about survival and everything is just a stage. I’m almost keen for him to just bloody well go back to work so we can just get on with it without him slopping round grumpily in the dressing gown of doom.

Dont want to be too harsh but while your husband is off work (and when he is not working such as weekends etc) he should be doing more night time helping. DH and I used to swap over at 3/4am so we both managed to get some sleep.
I think what we found more of a shock to the system was when the initial eat, sleep, repeat cycle when I could get things done round the house changed into shorter naps and more active wake time. Now it's a luxury to get a load of washing pegged out 🤣

Sounds familiar! Those first weeks are so hard! Most people never realise quite how shattered they will be .Nothing can get you used to it .As pp said though dont take all on yourself, or he will just be able to say crap like "you cope better than me" shit .You have also just given birth. Your body needs time to recover from the physical strain and 9 months of carrying the 6 or 7 bags of sugar and having it jump about on you! It does improve and as above PP said you will laugh about it in future while watching your Boxset ,and even "gasp" consider another one (or two!)

@Sonarl

So said every DH/DP in week 2 in the history of humanity

It gets better at about 6 weeks if I remember.

I think plenty of women have felt the same unless I'm the only woman who likes to sleep occasionally. Took about 3 years for my youngest to improve.