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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is shocked by the reality of having a newborn

347 replies

WheelieBinPrincess · 29/09/2021 08:36

I’m not being very sympathetic.

We are both shattered, like all new parents I guess.

When we first got the baby home a couple of weeks ago, he was quite chilled (the baby was, and to an extent DH was too) he thought things were easy! Unfortunately DS hasn’t slept well at night, he’s a bit nocturnal- he’ll do 90 min stretches just 3x throughout the night so you can’t get a proper sleep. During the day he was fabulous at napping initially but he’s not great at the moment, he gets bad wind after a feed, gets uncomfortable and needs about an hour of comforting/winding.

‘I didn’t think it would be like this’ said DH yesterday Hmm

I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep so I’ve been doing the night shift, in the spare room with the baby, and trying to grab a few hours nap in the day, DH still has another week off work, but last night I’d had enough, I was dead on my feet, so I expressed some milk and handed over to DH.

I’ve just been into the bedroom to find DS sleeping peacefully, and DH practically rocking in a corner, ashen faced, like he has experienced a terrible and traumatic event.

I asked how he got on. ‘Not good’, he replied in shaky voice. I’ve got the baby now and he’s gone back to bed, in a strop, because I reminded him that it sounded like an entirely normal night to me.

AIBU (and possibly a bit of a martyr ?!)
But I wonder if DH pictured having a tiny baby as like having an agreeable little cat curled up in a corner, waking up for the odd feed and cuddle, letting us watch a box set of an evening and share a bottle of chianti.

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 29/09/2021 10:22

like having an agreeable little cat curled up in a corner, waking up for the odd feed and cuddle, letting us watch a box set of an evening and share a bottle of chianti.

You mean...it isn't like this??

Holy. Shit. Confused Shock

EmotionalSupportBear · 29/09/2021 10:22

Sounds normal, i was lucky in that DS wasn't DH's first Rodeo, him having a 14yo as well, but there had certainly been enough time that he had forgotten how hard the initial newborn stages were.

We tag-teamed depending what shift he was on, if he was on nights i'd coped with napping through the night, then would get a good 5hrs undisturbed sleep once he was home, and he'd sleep midday til 7pm, if he was on days it was less, but i could also de-camp to my moms and catch a nap while she held the baby!

Keep him involved, and don't let him wimp out of helping!

PrtScn · 29/09/2021 10:22

@WheelieBinPrincess

Ooh thanks for the podcast recommendation- DH doesn’t like reading but would definitely do a podcast.

Ahhh just remembered the bloody health visitor is descending in an hour and I’m still in a dressing gown of doom myself.

Wouldn’t worry about it. I totally forgot the HV was coming one day and I was still in bed with the baby unsuccessfully trying to get sleep. HV was unphased and was happy to pull up a chair next to the bed 🤣
FinallyHere · 29/09/2021 10:26

think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep

I'm afraid that the only reason this is so, is that you have accepted the responsibility.

And so... you appear to be coping better because you have no alternative. DH, on the other hand, has you.

ConstanceGracy · 29/09/2021 10:32

I think you’re being unfair on him tbh, if it was the other way round you’d be absolutely mauled on here.
It’s hard as fuck and both of you need to support each other.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 29/09/2021 10:33

I remember reading an interview with the spice girls, way back in the 90s, when I was pregnant and how they said if they had babies they’d just bring along the baby to recordings and shows and put the baby “in a little basket in the corner” Grin

It’s all about the arrogance of youth, and thinking everyone else is just not as well organised and clever as you

BrendaBubbles · 29/09/2021 10:33

You need to work to your individual strengths and weaknesses. Even if he finds it hard he will surely have some areas where he outperforms you (maybe making bottles or getting up early/staying up late with baby, etc.) and you both need to lean into these properties.

That said, I am always disappointed what a terrible job we do as a society to prepare people for raising a child. Everyone tells us “oh it’s fantastic” and perhaps that we’ll get a bit less sleep, but no one really communicates the psychological impact of having your entire self snuffed out in service of a screaming infant for years. We should better communicate to our own children so that if they don’t feel psychologically ready to have a child, they don’t need to.

SquareYellow · 29/09/2021 10:34

@pinkyredrose

Be careful he doesn't carry on pulling this stunt or soon you'll find you're in charge of everything baby related because 'you're better at it',
This with bells on. You are not better at caring for your baby with no sleep. Soon he’ll go back to work and you’ll be having 3mins sleep a night and he’ll think it’s all dandy.
JustLyra · 29/09/2021 10:35

Some people do cope better on no sleep.

I can cope with being awake until daft o'clock and then only getting a few hours sleep, but I absolutely cannot cope with being repeatedly woken up. Whereas DH can cope fine with 20/30 minutes sleep here and there.

You just have to work to your strengths and work out what works for you both as a family.

I was like your DH when DS was born - despite the fact I already had two girls already. DS thought, and still does, that sleep was for the weak. I told my HV that I thought there was something very, very wrong with DS because DH and I were both broken by his sleep. Turned out we just had excellent (for babies) sleepers in our older children and DS was actually pretty normal for a baby.

vivainsomnia · 29/09/2021 10:39

It’s hard as fuck and both of you need to support each other
This and this again.

If a new mother posted that her mum had moved in with her, was helping a lot, doing most nights, but she was suffering from pnd and felt lost, confused and shocked at what becoming a mum meant, the responses would be full of 'poor you', 'of course you couldn't know what it would be like', 'i hope your mum is understanding and sympathetic', 'have you sought help from your GP or health visitor', 'dint beat yourself up, it's ok to feel as you do'.

When it's a father, it becomes 'what a wimp, he needs to grow a pair, why is it coming as a shock, he's got it easy not doing the nights' etc...

And then we wonder why men retreat into themselves and don't discuss their feelings...

Willowrose63 · 29/09/2021 10:40

YANBU. You described your husband rocking in the corner very well haha Grin . It was a total shock to the system for me and hubby when our daughter was born! She's nearly 8 months old now and I'm struggling to not be resentful of how little help he was in the early days (much better now). I had a bit of a traumatic time giving birth so felt in a bit of a fog and kindof just got on with it and couldn't even really communicate how he could help. I second what someone else posted about thinking about reflux. Our daughter struggled to lie flat for a while so had to be held upright for sleeping at times but we were lucky and baby gaviscon helped her and she grew out of it early. She was up every 1 to 2 hours until she was over 4 months old and would only nap when held. I did every nap and night wakening. She did refuse a bottle so he couldn't fees her. Had to tell my husband that he could no longer sleep in until 0845 to start work at 9 after sleeping ALL NIGHT!! I got very down, crying all the time, started having visual disturbances and really started feeling like I hated him. He was working from home so we were physically in the same building but it was like we were living in parallel universes. Anyways! From my experience, IF we have another one we will be communicating on roles etc much sooner.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/09/2021 10:42

I was in shock too.
Babies are hard work. Smile

Eralos · 29/09/2021 10:43

I don’t think anyone really knows what it’s going to be like until it happens. As long as he pitches in I’d let it go.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/09/2021 10:43

You need to support each other, yes. But to be able to support OP, her DH needs to know what it is she's going through. He also need to be capable of looking after the baby on his own, for a day, or a weekend, at the drop of a hat, without any question or concern about his capability.

montysma1 · 29/09/2021 10:46

My husband who is a pain in the ass on many other ways totally stepped up.
We had twins and we both did nights with one each. He even said he liked it as he got to be more hands on than you would be with a singleton.

In fairness they were easy babies who woke for a feed and went straight back to sleep, so you could virtually do it whilst half asleep yourself.
But credit where its due, husband did his bit and never moaned.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 29/09/2021 10:46

`'I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep so I’ve been doing the night shift,"

Be very careful. Even the most noble and upstanding men find they rather enjoy the patriarchy when it comes to women's roles in child rearing.

Crikeyalmighty · 29/09/2021 10:49

I actually found the 2-4 stage harder with a toddler /young child who refused to fall asleep unless I was in the room and created mayhem. This was my 3rd and I was much older (36) when I had him and needed more sleep than when I was20 and 23 with the other two. It is hard OP but just because it’s hard doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to shoulder the load. I remember my H fell asleep at work one day and frequently had bits of babysick on his jacket that he was oblivious to

Original poster
WheelieBinPrincess · 29/09/2021 10:50

I mean he IS very good at practical stuff like, working out how to use the bastard bugaboo, sterilising bottles etc, making sure my breast pump is charged, I’m rubbish at all that. but only if he’s had a night of sleep- today I doubt he’ll be of any practical help at all, because he’s tired. That’s why I have fallen into a trap of ‘letting’ him have the sleep, so I get lots of support during the day. I do genuinely think I’m better on less sleep, In a way that when we were young and unencumbered by the realities of real life I was ‘better’ than him on the back of a night of partying and drinking. The baby hasn’t let me put him down since DH passed him over so I’ve achieved the sum of fuck all so far this morning, but then of course next week I’ll be solo during the day anyway.

We live miles from our families so after the initial flurry of visits to coo at the newborn we’ve not been able to count on any outside help.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 29/09/2021 10:54

The baby hasn’t let me put him down since DH passed him over so I’ve achieved the sum of fuck all so far this morning, but then of course next week I’ll be solo during the day anyway.

You have a newborn, you don’t need to be achieving anything this morning beyond feeding you both. That’s it.

Original poster
WheelieBinPrincess · 29/09/2021 10:56

@JustLyra I know, I just have visions of the health visitor eyeing the washing up and the piles of laundry but I’m sure they’ve seen worse

OP posts:
Fimilo · 29/09/2021 10:57

Your husband sounds like how my husband was when we had our 1st child. He went into total shock and didn't cope at all. I do think he had post natal depression ( does effect men as well).

I ended up doing everything along with massive support from my family. There was a lot of resentment from me for a long time and it took us 6 years to have another child. This time round it is so different, we knew what to expect and he's so hands on now.

Is there anyone he can talk too? Just let him know it does get better and to read up on the 4th trimester

YouMeandtheSpew · 29/09/2021 10:58

The shakey voice Grin I’d forgotten about that. My DH used to pretend to be unable to walk in a straight line from tiredness. He also complained theatrically once that his wrists had ‘gone into spasm’ after holding the baby for 10 minutes. And he moaned that his back hurt from sitting on a really hard chair all night while I was in labour.

I actually really fucking hated him for about 6 months after the baby arrived.

IM0GEN · 29/09/2021 10:58

@pinkyredrose

Be careful he doesn't carry on pulling this stunt or soon you'll find you're in charge of everything baby related because 'you're better at it',
This.
QueenLagertha · 29/09/2021 10:59

Off topic @WheelieBinPrincess you don't need to sterilise bottles for breast milk. Just wash in hot soapy water. One less job for your DH 😂

StrongArm · 29/09/2021 11:00

@3ormorecharacters

Before our DD was born, my DH thought he was going to build a shed while looking after her on Shared Parental Leave. He literally thought all she would do is eat and sleep (anywhere, on command) for a whole year. Oh how we laugh now.
this just made me laugh out loud!