DH is shocked by the reality of having a newborn

[WheelieBinPrincess]

I’m not being very sympathetic.

We are both shattered, like all new parents I guess.

When we first got the baby home a couple of weeks ago, he was quite chilled (the baby was, and to an extent DH was too) he thought things were easy! Unfortunately DS hasn’t slept well at night, he’s a bit nocturnal- he’ll do 90 min stretches just 3x throughout the night so you can’t get a proper sleep. During the day he was fabulous at napping initially but he’s not great at the moment, he gets bad wind after a feed, gets uncomfortable and needs about an hour of comforting/winding.

‘I didn’t think it would be like this’ said DH yesterday

I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep so I’ve been doing the night shift, in the spare room with the baby, and trying to grab a few hours nap in the day, DH still has another week off work, but last night I’d had enough, I was dead on my feet, so I expressed some milk and handed over to DH.

I’ve just been into the bedroom to find DS sleeping peacefully, and DH practically rocking in a corner, ashen faced, like he has experienced a terrible and traumatic event.

I asked how he got on. ‘Not good’, he replied in shaky voice. I’ve got the baby now and he’s gone back to bed, in a strop, because I reminded him that it sounded like an entirely normal night to me.

AIBU (and possibly a bit of a martyr ?!)
But I wonder if DH pictured having a tiny baby as like having an agreeable little cat curled up in a corner, waking up for the odd feed and cuddle, letting us watch a box set of an evening and share a bottle of chianti.

Newborns are HARD! Mines 4 weeks, 2nd DC. The sleeplessness is the worst!

I agree - keep to the separate rooms. When the baby woke this morning DP groaned even though he wasn't the one getting up with her. I almost punched him in the head.
Same with when he snores, or when he wakes in the night after baby has been awake for 2 hours and says "everything ok?" then goes back to sleep before I can answer!

To be fair, I was shocked too - it felt like a bomb had exploded in my life (and taken me out with it).

You both need to sleep when you can and take things in turns. Be brisk with him - no dressing gown of doom, he either needs to be sleeping or helping.

Had he never heard of the idea that babies might be hard work before?

May I recommend the "Parenting Hell" podcast, especially as of the episode below when Josh Widdicombe has his second baby. (The baby is not a good sleeper...) Two men talking about being parents, learning what the mental load is, and being knackered but knowing that it would be inappropriate to complain about it to their wives:
open.spotify.com/episode/7e4TIuPf22CLy4UEalViY5

@mydogisthebest

I don't think many men or women know what is going to hit them when they have a baby. If they did they likely would not have them

How do people continue to say this?! Absolutely baffling! Is it stupidity? Ignorance perhaps willfully so? Or just arrogance that you'll do it better. Tbh there are literally no excuses in this day and age with access to the Internet for this supposed shock.

It's the biggest decision of your life and people don't research? I have literally no idea how you could have done NTC and he'd think your baby would be like a cat. Is he normally so hard of thinking? I'd find this so unappealing.

I genuinely believed the books when they said that babies feed every 4 hours. I though that's fine, 15 minutes feed then back in the moses basket and I can get on with whatever I was doing!

DC1 was a colic monster.

'nuff said

Eventually we worked out a routine where we took turns on nights. One night on and one night off. It meant that on nights on each of us knew that the next night would be the others turn.

@3ormorecharacters

Before our DD was born, my DH thought he was going to build a shed while looking after her on Shared Parental Leave. He literally thought all she would do is eat and sleep (anywhere, on command) for a whole year. Oh how we laugh now.

My now ex H took voluntary redundancy during my mat leave to be with us but spent the entire doing up the house and avoiding the tough bits, wouldn't come out to groups etc. - all lovely of course because of the work done but wasn't helpful at all.

Note the now ex !! 😂

Ooh thanks for the podcast recommendation- DH doesn’t like reading but would definitely do a podcast.

Ahhh just remembered the bloody health visitor is descending in an hour and I’m still in a dressing gown of doom myself.

I still remember those sleepless nights 30 years on. It was hell and I wasn’t sure I would get through, but I did as we all pretty much do. You are right OP, it is a phase.

My current phase with DS is him asking me to get him frozen spinach as his local supermarket doesn’t stock it! 🤣

To be fair, some babies are like that. DD was super chilled and a good sleeper. We spent our evenings playing board games, watching box sets, etc for the first few weeks because she just fed and slept. But we had the opposite thing where we had expected it to be worse than it ended up being, so I think it's just the case that whatever you expect or think you prepare for, it's not the same as living it, and the 'easiness' of your baby could fall anywhere on a pretty large scale.

Maybe you could work something out like we do. I’ve always done all the night feeds (luckily it’s just one now, sometimes none if I’m lucky - shes 9 months old) and my other half does the early wake up until he starts work (WFH). So I get to catch up on a bit of sleep in the morning til around 8.30/9, and he gets a full night of sleep.

To be fair to him, NCT was mostly complete bollocks, the practical element involved pretending to bathe a doll. Mainly it was a lot of shite about how ‘any woman can breastfeed if they want to enough’ and how drugs during birth would practically turn your newborn into a crack addict.

Team work, share everything, that’s the only way through it. If you’re lucky enough to have a relaxed baby that’s magnificent, but ours was utterly horrendous and had to be held day and night for a couple of months (ultimately he had silent reflux). I’d have probably passed away if not for DH! And vice versa.
Neither of us was ready for it. Nobody told us how hard it would really be. But he was sleeping through the night by 5 months so it definitely gets easier.
I wouldn’t have had any time for a wet drip of a DH. It was new to both of us so we both had to pull our socks up and crack on.

I’d really encourage you to be kind to each other even if it feels impossible. We went through this too and I was so angry. Newborn twins nearly broke us and we were both miserable and furious at each other most of the time. It gets so much better.

Womens routines are so disturbed during pregnancy and the reality of having a baby is probably more realistic due to experiencing all of the things that pregnancy brings, you are already used to disturbed nights struggling to sleep and getting up in the night to pee.
I suppose from a dad's point of view they just watch the pregnancy happen as a bystander hopefully being supportive of their partner, but once the baby actually arrives and their lives are also impacted it shocks them.
Either way they've got to get used to it and step up. I think whoever does the night shift should be whoever needs to drive the least the next day. Sleep deprived parents having micro sleeps at the wheel is a real risk.

I wasn’t ready to how hard the parenting would be. I knew it would be more demanding than with a kitten - my kittens were extremely easy going and I had seen my sister struggling through with her DC. To be honest my DH was better than me first months as I just wasn’t strong enough physically.

Makes sure he takes his share - poss every other night? Including after he goes to work.

We did DH on duty every day 9pm to 1am / 2am as he's a night owl anyway. Me 2am to 6am. I went to bed at 9pm.

I couldn't have survived otherwise and Dh was fine with it. He still stays up until 1am most nights and baby one is at uni!

tiredness is a real killer. Both finding it hard in the beginning is normal. Im glad he has experienced it and hasnt tried to make you do everything or feel like its your fault, as i keep seeing that scenario on here.
Ds1 would only sleep on my chest for ages, so id prop myself up a bit in bed and lie him on me slightly raised. Only thing that helped him sleep with colic and therefore me. If hes windy it might be worth trying that and existing on shorter bursts of sleep more frequently and spacing the awake times out more over the next few months

One thing I’ve learned, is that when it comes to competitive tiredness. No one wins. Yes, it is frustrating when you feel like he isn’t handling it as well as you, particularly when you’ve done more.

However the main thing you need to do here is to support eachother and work through it together.

I have a 3 year old and newborn twins. DH struggled the first time but has been amazing this time and does more than me. The difference is we have learned how to communicate, and it’s give and take.

I do think your DH needs a reality check though! It is so much harder for us, I had a c section for this pregnancy and it was horrendous for those first weeks. I would just stay calm, tell him how you feel, try and work together. Rather than argue about it and telling him to fuck off( easier said than done but just speaking from experience).

Also, one of my babies is the same and we have been giving some gripe water after his feeds. Also you could look into CMPA or speak to your health visitor/ GP if things carry on.

Those baby dolls they sometimes give to teenagers should be issued to all men before they become fathers.

@Neonplant But living through it is incomparable with reading about it. Everyone knows having a newborn is hard... but until you've slept in 20 minute bursts and experienced the absolute mind fuck of looking after a helpless baby with no previous experience of babies while also getting no sleep, you can't really understand what it feels like.

I know for a fact that some people manage on less sleep than others. As a Mother, I'm unfortunately one of those who can't cope well.

I feel sick, faint and awful when I've had a broken night so our babies were a terrible shock.

Luckily DH did most night feeds....he copes better than me.

It is a shock with your first newborn. I did it alone as DS1's dad dumped me when he found out I was pregnant. I was only 23. I remember when DS was about 2 weeks old and he cried all night and I phoned my nurse friend in a panic. Turns out he was constipated but you really don't know this baby and what they need.

Maybe tell your DH that he could be doing this alone, or you could have multiples, or a sick baby in NICU etc and actually you pick up his slack, so he is lucky. He needs some perspective. You sound like you get it. It is just seeing it as a phase and letting life take its course congratulations on your son.

We found the only way to get through it was to remember we were a team, and that competitive tiredness helps no one. Try to tale shifts to help each other get as much sleep as possible, even if that means napping at strange times.

I think he should be doing as much as possible so that you can rest as much as possible until he goes back.

He does sound a bit pathetic.

It's not as if he can't catch up in the day by the sounds of things.

PFB had a phase of 2hrly nightly feeds.

I don't think that that is unusual.

Then we would sleep solidly from 7 until 11-it was only knowing that that would happen that kept me going!

Tbf I didn't think the newborn phase would be as brutal as it was, but we had quite a rough time with silent reflux, DS wouldn't sleep anywhere other than our arms or in the sling for 4 months. He'd often sleep for 45 min, then take 45 min to settle again. DH and I slept in shifts, it was awful!

I did deal with the sleep deprivation better than DH, but that's because I do on call as part of my job so was more used to sudden wakings at strange hours.