DH is shocked by the reality of having a newborn

[WheelieBinPrincess]

I’m not being very sympathetic.

We are both shattered, like all new parents I guess.

When we first got the baby home a couple of weeks ago, he was quite chilled (the baby was, and to an extent DH was too) he thought things were easy! Unfortunately DS hasn’t slept well at night, he’s a bit nocturnal- he’ll do 90 min stretches just 3x throughout the night so you can’t get a proper sleep. During the day he was fabulous at napping initially but he’s not great at the moment, he gets bad wind after a feed, gets uncomfortable and needs about an hour of comforting/winding.

‘I didn’t think it would be like this’ said DH yesterday

I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep so I’ve been doing the night shift, in the spare room with the baby, and trying to grab a few hours nap in the day, DH still has another week off work, but last night I’d had enough, I was dead on my feet, so I expressed some milk and handed over to DH.

I’ve just been into the bedroom to find DS sleeping peacefully, and DH practically rocking in a corner, ashen faced, like he has experienced a terrible and traumatic event.

I asked how he got on. ‘Not good’, he replied in shaky voice. I’ve got the baby now and he’s gone back to bed, in a strop, because I reminded him that it sounded like an entirely normal night to me.

AIBU (and possibly a bit of a martyr ?!)
But I wonder if DH pictured having a tiny baby as like having an agreeable little cat curled up in a corner, waking up for the odd feed and cuddle, letting us watch a box set of an evening and share a bottle of chianti.

@QueenLagertha I knew it!! I think he thinks I’m just being a slattern when I tell him that 😂

Some people really do cope with the lack of sleep better than others, my DH was much better at dealing with sleep deprivation than me. I knew it would be hard having a newborn but must admit the reality did shock me too. The emotional weight plus the broken sleep really got to me and affected my mental health. So I do think some men can be drips about it but I have some sympathy too because some people do just cope better with it all than others. That’s no excuse to let him back out of things of course! But keeping communicating and sharing the load is so important. You sound like you’re doing great OP

In a weird way it might be easier when he goes back to work and it's just got you and the baby. You'll be able to get in your own routine and probably get more done than when he is there. Buuuuut, you definitely need sleep too. I found going to bed very very early and making sure I slept, not messed around on my phone, helped loads.
Try to get some time at the weekend. Like you say, he isn't in air traffic control. And don't worry about the HV, they see all sorts and are more likely to have a word if you're doing too much when you don't need to. After my second c section I was running up and down a 3 storey house fetching stuff on their visit which didn't go well, mainly because guess who (DP) wasn't!

@montysma1

My husband who is a pain in the ass on many other ways totally stepped up. We had twins and we both did nights with one each. He even said he liked it as he got to be more hands on than you would be with a singleton.

In fairness they were easy babies who woke for a feed and went straight back to sleep, so you could virtually do it whilst half asleep yourself.
But credit where its due, husband did his bit and never moaned.

Do you think taking one each is better than one doing both? Not sure whether to try it! We both do a 5 hours stretch at the moment and then baby duty, so we scrape about 6/7 hours.

I think fathers not doing nights with twins is disgraceful, my DH agrees, we know someone from NCT who is having to do it alone! Actually all formula fed babies, nights should be shared in my opinion. I don’t know how anyone can watch their partner suffer doing it alone.

[quote WheelieBinPrincess]@JustLyra I know, I just have visions of the health visitor eyeing the washing up and the piles of laundry but I’m sure they’ve seen worse[/quote]
A Health Visitor once told me she'd be more concerned about an overly clean, tidy and organised house than one that had a little bit going on.

Obviously not dangerous or unhygenic, but she always looked out for new parents doing too much and worrying too much about how things looked.

@JustLyra thank you, that’s reassuring to know!

Do you think taking one each is better than one doing both? Not sure whether to try it! We both do a 5 hours stretch at the moment and then baby duty, so we scrape about 6/7 hours.

I think fathers not doing nights with twins is disgraceful, my DH agrees, we know someone from NCT who is having to do it alone! Actually all formula fed babies, nights should be shared in my opinion. I don’t know how anyone can watch their partner suffer doing it alone.

Not the other poster, but I found doing one each with twins worse. It felt like I was always awake. Doing longer stretches and dealing with both then getting a stretch of sleep was much easier imo.

That said my ex fucked off when they were 6 months so I got used to doing it alone, but when he was around I found turns each much better.

I don't think I got even half a night's sleep for about 4 years once dd was born. DH just refused to do nights (I have to woooooork); mainly refused to do anything much in fact.

He’s going to get even more of a wake up call when he realised the newborn stage is actually one of the easiest!

*realises

But I wonder if DH pictured having a tiny baby as like having an agreeable little cat curled up in a corner, waking up for the odd feed and cuddle, letting us watch a box set of an evening and share a bottle of chianti.

I'm sure he did. I think to an extent that's how I pictured it when I was first pregnant, and wow, did I have a shock. But I coped, as do parents all the world over. Your DH is really being quite precious and needs to recognise the reality and learn to deal with it.

I knew a couple of people folk with babies who cried a lot and didn't sleep so I was ready for it. Didn't makè it any better really but at least it wasn't a surprise.

@WheelieBinPrincess does your baby have tongue tie? Might explain the bad latch.

I think fathers not doing nights with twins is disgraceful, my DH agrees, we know someone from NCT who is having to do it alone! Actually all formula fed babies, nights should be shared in my opinion. I don’t know how anyone can watch their partner suffer doing it alone.

I'm trying to think what we did and I can't remember. They're only 21 months but it's all a blur!! In the early days I think we did one each, he'd go down and get the milk and then feed one each then he'd go and get the milk and I'd feed them both once they were bigger but it's just a blur 😂

*How do people continue to say this?! Absolutely baffling! Is it stupidity? Ignorance perhaps willfully so? Or just arrogance that you'll do it better. Tbh there are literally no excuses in this day and age with access to the Internet for this supposed shock.

It's the biggest decision of your life and people don't research? I have literally no idea how you could have done NTC and he'd think your baby would be like a cat*

How does reading a book prepare you for the feeling of sleep deprivation? Until you’ve experienced it you have no idea how awful it is. You can plan as much as you want but if you haven’t experienced sleep deprivation before then you’re in for a shock.

@JustLyra yep we both do like our 5 hour stretch, even if the rest of the night is literally one hour broken sleep! That must have been so difficult doing it alone! I do think Mums of twins are superhuman. I have definitely coped better than I ever thought I could.

@SleepingStandingUp I think I will try one each tonight! There is a non sleeping twin and a reliable sleeping twin who can do about 2-3 hours stretches. So might have to flip a coin!

*I have literally no idea how you could have done NTC and he'd think your baby would be like a cat **

Those classes are only good for making friends. I left thinking I would breathe my baby out and that my newborn would breastfeed every 3 hours.

Imagine what he'd be like if he was the one giving birth...

He’s going to get even more of a wake up call when he realised the newborn stage is actually one of the easiest! grin

Quite...
From 6-18m, my youngest usually woke 5-15+ times a night, and needed a lot more work when awake.

My first was exactly like this - not a sleeper. I remember meeting with friends who said "having a newborn is so easy, they just sleep all the time" and thinking wtf??

He didn't really sleep day or night - just half hour to hour-long stretches until around 3/4 months. I was absolutely wrecked. It was so depressing reading the weekly progress reports "by now your baby should be sleeping more at night..." when it just wasn't happening.

So yeah some newborns can really take sleep deprivation to the extreme.

But as long as you're both off work you should both be taking it in turns. That's why he's off too.

You have to find what works for you. I’m a night owl so would stay up late with DD and DH sleep. Then we all used to be awake 5am ish as DH got up for work and she’d feed. But then me and baby would sleep until 9/10 am.
Don’t be thinking you have to be up and doing stuff - obviously if you have an older child to get to school it’s different but baby 1 you in dressing gown at 10/11 am is fine. Sleep.

I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep No you don't, you just whinge less.

We all felt like that. Newborns are the worst and NOTHING you read prepares you for how astonishingly awful it is. Buuuut it passes. You'll all sleep at some point.

Tell him to grow up. You feel just as shitty as he does, but you're not making a big song and dance about it as if you're the first person this has ever happened to.

Oh god, the early days/nights with a newborn.

It is absolutely a matter of getting through. This is what helped us:

When we got into a loose routine of the baby going to bed (and I say that loosely) at say 7:30ish, I also went to bed and went straight to sleep. DH did everything until say midnight. That save me a five hour chunk of sleep. Then I took over and DH had a proper 7 hours and so he was ok for work.

One night a week, we would each do the entire night. So each of us had anevening to do what we wanted (for me that was a bath and an early night). Due to working patterns, this was usually Friday and Saturday.

A cleaner.

DH took his paternity leave 6 months after DD1 was born which made sense but then went to Australia to watch The Ashes

Isn't everyone shocked by the reality of a newborn, unless they've somehow been heavily involved in doing the round the clock care for someone else's?

I remember thinking that a baby couldn't possibly literally feed every two hours around the clock, because an adult couldn't possibly survive that kind of schedule and the NCT woman must be exaggerating. Hahahahahaha! Reader, I learned.