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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my DSis to keep something confidential from her DH

267 replies

Whatamoraldilema · 28/09/2021 13:23

Last week I told my Dsis something in confidence about my young DS. In hindsight I'm not sure if that is a fair thing to ask. Do you think it's reasonable to ask your sibling to keep something confidential from their partner?

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 29/09/2021 13:22

I actually sneakily telling your dh is disgusting. At least if you’re going to betray your friend’s confidence be honest about it like some of the previous posters and tell your friends that you won’t keep a confidence

Ah but then the friend mightn’t confide in them and they’d miss out on the juicy info. So instead they are disloyal untrustworthy ‘friends’. Disgusting.

sammylady37 · 29/09/2021 13:24

@ShaneTheThird

Why? Why is it not fair to keep someone else's private life from your spouse? Why do they have the right to know their troubles or feelings?

Because many people want to tell their partner things. Unless it's something about the partner or something like that I just personally find it childish as an adult to ask someone not to tell the person they live with something.

But you don’t think it’s childish to not be able to keep something to yourself and to blab something you’ve been told in confidence to your dh, even though you know your friend doesn’t want you to do so? Because that’s not just childish to me, it’s immature, disloyal, untrustworthy and quite abhorrent.
notacooldad · 29/09/2021 13:46

It’s weird that some people can’t accept that others have different ways of living.
What is weird is grown women that have to tell their men everything. Things that they dont need to know.

That's strange!

SuperstarDog · 29/09/2021 13:55

What is weird is grown women that have to tell their men everything. Things that they dont need to know.
That's strange!

People are different. Again, I don’t HAVE to tell my partner everything, there’s just nothing I wouldn’t tell him and my friends are the same.
An example would be, one of my friends is adopted, I only realised I’d never mentioned it to my partner about 5 years ago when she was talking about it in front of my partner. We’ve been friends for 20 years and obviously it had never come up.
If you’re happy with how you live, why do you care how other people do stuff when everyone involved is fine with it.

TryingAndFailing39 · 29/09/2021 14:03

My best friends over the years have told me:

They had an abortion.
They had a criminal record from the distant past.
They are bisexual.
Their child is gay.

My friends haven’t been emotionally draining to me and me knowing this hasn’t affecting me personally (so at t from being sad/ worried for my friend).

Why on earth would or should I tell my dh any of those things?

My dh knows my friends but don’t particularly close to them. In one of these cases my friend’s own dh didn’t know so why the hell should mine know!

@SuperstarDog @nokidshere @seaandsandcastles
and other similar posters?

SuperstarDog · 29/09/2021 14:16

Why on earth would or should I tell my dh any of those things?

No one is saying YOU would or should, just that they might or do.

TryingAndFailing39 · 29/09/2021 14:20

But why might you @SuperstarDog? If your friend has only told 1 or 2 people and doesn’t want anyone else to know? As long as your friend isn’t emotionally burdening or draining you, why might you disclose something deeply personal about someone else to your husband?

TryingAndFailing39 · 29/09/2021 14:22

I am bisexual. I’ve decided to tell my best friend and only my best friend. What on earth would be the benefit/ reason/ need/ excuse for best friend to tell the husband?
Genuine question!

ShaneTheThird · 29/09/2021 14:24

It's not that you should tell them it's that if you feel you need to for whatever reason then you should.

People tell me all kinds of things in confidence, unfortunately people come to me too much and every now and then I will tell dp something because it's too much for me to sit on on my own. If someone told me to not tell dp something then told me something that hasn't anything to do with him that he wouldnt care about I don't see it an issue him knowing.

ShaneTheThird · 29/09/2021 14:26

Although saying that I have a neighbour who knows everything about everything and gossips to everyone. That's how I found out DPS ex was telling everyone about her best friends sexual troubles. That's a weird thing to tell people about. Not stuff like child troubles.

Frogsandsheep · 29/09/2021 14:28

@ShaneTheThird that is slightly different to what other posters are saying though. They are saying they would tell their dh these things just because they don’t keep things from their dh. If you are struggling with what you’ve heard and need support off your dh it’s slightly different but even then you could tell your dh without divulging all the detail.

SuperstarDog · 29/09/2021 14:33

But why might you @SuperstarDog? If your friend has only told 1 or 2 people and doesn’t want anyone else to know? As long as your friend isn’t emotionally burdening or draining you, why might you disclose something deeply personal about someone else to your husband?

My friends know that I may tell my partner. They do the same. None of us care. I’m closer to my partner than my friends, as are my friends. They know my partner isn’t a gossip so would have no problem with me chatting to him about anything to do with them.

TryingAndFailing39 · 29/09/2021 14:37

@SuperstarDog

I am closer to my partner than my friends too. My dh and I get on incredibly well and talk to each other a lot. He knows me better than anyone knows me.
That doesn’t mean he needs to know my friends’ secrets.

SuperstarDog · 29/09/2021 14:43

I am closer to my partner than my friends too. My dh and I get on incredibly well and talk to each other a lot. He knows me better than anyone knows me.
That doesn’t mean he needs to know my friends’ secrets.

And if everyone is happy, that’s great. We obviously do things differently and it’s all good here too. Is it really so shocking to you that people do things differently and can still be happy and have good relationships with partners and friends?

cricketmum84 · 29/09/2021 14:50

My DSis told me a secret a little while back. She said "don't tell anyone!" I said "yeah but that doesn't include DH" she goes "well yeah obviously you will tell him!"

Then again I suppose it depends what the secret was.

TryingAndFailing39 · 29/09/2021 14:50

@SuperstarDog

The only thing that surprises me is that the lack of trust and integrity in friendships. It genuinely surprises me.

If your friend told you she was bisexual (as an example), asked you not to tell anyone and then you told your dh, that makes you a shit friend. And it doesn’t make you an especially good wife either because he doesn’t need to know.

It’s not about ‘doing things differently’ it’s about integrity within friendship which I’m sure most people would agree is a key ingredient in a friendship.

Frogsandsheep · 29/09/2021 14:54

My friend told her dh I was having a really tough time (he’s seen me crying a couple of times which is unlike me and he was concerned) but she didn’t tell him the whole reason why (which I was very pleased about as it was personal and none of his business!)
She has told me stuff to (it’s a fairly balanced friendship) and I’ve never told my dh either for the same reason - it’s none of his business!

Frogsandsheep · 29/09/2021 14:55

*he’s not he’s
*to me
Sorry typos!

shouldistop · 29/09/2021 14:55

If my brother asked me not to tell dh something and it wasn't something that affected us then yes I'd keep it secret.

SuperstarDog · 29/09/2021 14:56

If your friend told you she was bisexual (as an example), asked you not to tell anyone and then you told your dh, that makes you a shit friend. And it doesn’t make you an especially good wife either because he doesn’t need to know.

My friends wouldn’t ask me not to tell anyone. We don’t have the sort of friendships where we would expect each other not to tell our partner, wives or husbands. I’m a good friend and partner, I make sure my friends and partners are happy, we have good relationships. If you want to think I’m shit, that’s up to you, it’s not your opinion that counts. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve just sent a link to this thread to my friends so I’ll see what they say.

nokidshere · 29/09/2021 16:56

@Frogsandsheep I don't tell my dh everything nor do I feel the need to share things I've been asked not to with him. It was just an observation that if the dh/partner didn't mention it then you wouldn't actually know if they had been told or not.

I imagine that happens more frequently than you think.

CatNoBag · 29/09/2021 17:27

I don't think you're unreasonable, but also I think you couldn't be annoyed with your DS if she told her husband...

TintinIsBack · 29/09/2021 17:27

[quote TryingAndFailing39]**@SuperstarDog

The only thing that surprises me is that the lack of trust and integrity in friendships. It genuinely surprises me.

If your friend told you she was bisexual (as an example), asked you not to tell anyone and then you told your dh, that makes you a shit friend. And it doesn’t make you an especially good wife either because he doesn’t need to know.

It’s not about ‘doing things differently’ it’s about integrity within friendship which I’m sure most people would agree is a key ingredient in a friendship.[/quote]
And if that same friend wasn’t specific in telling you not to tell anyone?

Would still not say a word? And why?

I’m with @SuperstarDog. None of my friends have ever asked me to ‘not tell DH’ etc..
If they did, I certainly wouldn’t. But they dont 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

TryingAndFailing39 · 29/09/2021 17:31

@TintinIsBack

If it’s a really personal thing (like sexuality or an abortion) I wouldn’t tell my dh anyway and my default would be to assume that she didn’t want my dh to know and also why on earth would he need to know?

MummyMayo1988 · 29/09/2021 17:45

It's NU but your sister should know when to keep her mouth shut.
My SIL's and I talk privately all the time and I don't tell my husband and they theirs.