To ask my DSis to keep something confidential from her DH

[Whatamoraldilema]

Last week I told my Dsis something in confidence about my young DS. In hindsight I'm not sure if that is a fair thing to ask. Do you think it's reasonable to ask your sibling to keep something confidential from their partner?

And I don't believe for a minute that the people in this thread who say they tell their friends that they will tell their husbands, are being truthful.

@saraclara I don’t go out of my way to tell them my husband might find out because a) it’s not their business what I tell my husband and b) it might not come up.

If they asked if I’d told him or was going to tell him I’d be honest and say I wouldn’t deliberately keep it from him if it came up.

we enjoy talking to each other

So if we’re having chicken for tea and Leah had chicken for lunch, I could well mention that.

There's a point where conversation just becomes a way of smothering comfortable silence.
"this is nice chicken dear, is it organic?"
"oh yes from the farm. Leah had chicken for lunch, but in salad. With pomegranates. Steve doesn't like pomegranates, he said they're alien fruit. Leah said she met an alien once. What did Betty have for lunch and does she like aliens?" might just be that point

@saraclara I don’t go out of my way to tell them my husband might find out because a) it’s not their business what I tell my husband

We disagree then. It's absolutely their business if they'd just told you a confidence.
Just as it's you're employer's business if you work somewhere where confidentiality is vital.

The sheer casualness with which some people treat their friends' confidences absolutely appalls me.

I’d be honest and say I wouldn’t deliberately keep it from him if it came up.
Wow.

DP and I don't have secrets. As soon as someone says 'I need to tell you something but you can't tell anyone', I stop them right there and tell them not to tell me. Keeping peoples secrets is too stressful, I'm always scared I'll blurt it out when I shouldn't so would rather they told a different friend. That probably makes me a shit friend but meh....

[quote saraclara]**@saraclara I don’t go out of my way to tell them my husband might find out because a) it’s not their business what I tell my husband

We disagree then. It's absolutely their business if they'd just told you a confidence.
Just as it's you're employer's business if you work somewhere where confidentiality is vital.

The sheer casualness with which some people treat their friends' confidences absolutely appalls me.[/quote]
Can i ask when something is said in confidence for you @saraclara?

Because tbh, I cannot remember anyone telling me ‘Im going to tell you something but don’t ever repeat it to anyone’ (well it hasn’t happened since I wasn’t a teenager).

As some people have said, what is or isn’t confidential information will vary for each person. Some people will be happy to talk about their UTI. Some will cringe at the idea that other people will know.
My MIL told me something about her marriage that I’m assuming is something said in confidence so I actually haven’t told dh. And it’s very personal etc… However, she never said. So how am I supposed to know?

Can i ask when something is said in confidence for you @saraclara?

Because tbh, I cannot remember anyone telling me ‘Im going to tell you something but don’t ever repeat it to anyone’ (well it hasn’t happened since I wasn’t a teenager).

You can. It was four days ago. Not in that juvenile language of course, because this was an adult. A simple "please keep this just between us"

I'm going to hazard a guess that it doesn't happen to you often because your friends have already learned not to trust you.

@saraclara

Everytime this topic comes up I think that some of you are really really shit friends. The lack of integrity is appalling. It’s telling that most of the ‘I tell my dh everything’ brigade don’t proactively tell their friends they do so

And I don't believe for a minute that the people in this thread who say they tell their friends that they will tell their husbands, are being truthful.

I have never once had anyone say, when I've asked for confidentiality "okay, but I will tell my husband"

I doubt they are too. It’d be too good an opportunity for gossip to pass up.

@seaandsandcastles

And I don't believe for a minute that the people in this thread who say they tell their friends that they will tell their husbands, are being truthful.

@saraclara I don’t go out of my way to tell them my husband might find out because a) it’s not their business what I tell my husband and b) it might not come up.

If they asked if I’d told him or was going to tell him I’d be honest and say I wouldn’t deliberately keep it from him if it came up.

But you don’t have the common decency to say “listen, I’m someone who likes to tell her DH everything, so best not tell me anything you don’t want him to know”. Because you lack integrity and are nosy. It absolutely is your friend’s business of you’re going to blab something highly perks am about her to someone else when you know she doesn’t want that other person to know. I pity your friends and hope they realise how bad a friend you are.

@Mantlemoose

DP and I don't have secrets. As soon as someone says 'I need to tell you something but you can't tell anyone', I stop them right there and tell them not to tell me. Keeping peoples secrets is too stressful, I'm always scared I'll blurt it out when I shouldn't so would rather they told a different friend. That probably makes me a shit friend but meh....

What happens if we're having a light fun coffee, conversation gets to kids camping and I tell you, with no warning, I was sexually assaulted when I went camping as a kid (just an example) but no one else knows so please don't tell them.

Would you seriously say "but I HAVE to tell Steve! We have no secrets" then as soon as you're settled down for dinner say "Hey Steve, can you believe Sleep was sexually assaulted when she was 15? Fascinating hey. So what are your thoughts on it??"

If they asked if I’d told him or was going to tell him I’d be honest and say I wouldn’t deliberately keep it from him if it came up. define come up though.

What did you do today? I saw Sandra and she told me she was assaulted when she was a teenager!
How's Sandra? Well she's OK but today she told me she was assaulted when she was 15!
Did you see on the news about the girl who got assaulted at the park? Oh yes, do you know that happened to Sandra when she was 15!

I mean if we want to share the "juicy" gossip there's a million ways to claim it "came up"

It depends what it is, if it’s something like ds fell over/wore a dress to school/vomited on the cat than yanbu
However if it’s something like ds has to go to hospital/lost an arm at school/ate the cat then db might be hurt it was kept from him

Excuse my previous I’m obviously thick and not reading properly and thought you were asking sil to keep it from brother 🙈 if it’s nothing to do with him then yanbu

@saraclara

Can i ask when something is said in confidence for you *@saraclara*?

Because tbh, I cannot remember anyone telling me ‘Im going to tell you something but don’t ever repeat it to anyone’ (well it hasn’t happened since I wasn’t a teenager).

You can. It was four days ago. Not in that juvenile language of course, because this was an adult. A simple "please keep this just between us"

I'm going to hazard a guess that it doesn't happen to you often because your friends have already learned not to trust you.

Well actually, I’m the sort of person people confide in at the drop of the hat. (See my comment about my MIL telling me about the fact she hasn’t loved my FIL for years….). They just never felt the need the tell me ‘in confidence’ (and not did my MIL) 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I love how you also automatically assume im telling my dh about everything when I haven’t said anything like this… I’m afraid yiu might be projecting there.

There is a serious question though.

Forgetting the ‘I’m telling you in confidence’ that some people use, if someone doesn’t tell you it’s a confidence, are you supposed to assume whatever they tell you should stay secret?
Or should you assume it’s ok to talk about it to your DH for example (aka not gossiping for the sake of a gossip, which I personally feel is different)?

From the answers on this thread, it seems people have very different expectations tbh.

I am very firmly in the camp of don’t share other people’s confidences.

There might be specific situations where you should not/cannot keep a confidence, but not many.

I love my DH and he loves me but I am not entitled to know every detail of his friends or family’s lives and vice versa.

(Although the amount of times MIL has said “Didn’t he tell you?” when I’ve stared in blank incomprehension as it’s clear I’ve missed a huge memo means it’s very unlikely my DH would be sharing anyway! )

I love how you also automatically assume im telling my dh about everything when I haven’t said anything like this…

Apologies @TintinIsBack. I confused you with a pp who was engaging me earlier, and who does tell her DH everything.

Not projecting though. Privacy and confidentially is very important to me, personally and in my job. So I'm a sealed vault when it comes to confidences. I'm also widowed, but I'm fairly sure my DH would have thought less of me had I blabbed my friends' confidences to him.

As others have said, it depends on what it is. One friend dumped a huge, huge secret on me and then told me not to tell DH. It was a significant issue and I really struggled with the knowledge and nobody to talk to… she’d obviously dumped it on me as her ‘person to talk to’. I wouldn’t make that mistake again and would tell the person that I would need to tell DH, but that it wouldn’t go any further.

DH and I are not a single entity, but he is my sounding board. I process my innermost thoughts by talking to / telling him stuff.

If someone said they had a secret they wanted me to keep from DH, I would ask them not to tell me. To be fair to DH, he has never shown the least interest but he knows I value being able to talk about anything.

If there is something in my life I am inclined to keep from DH, I think long and hard about why that should be. It's often been something I am ashamed of, or at least not proud of.

I used to lie at the drop of a hat. I have learned to value honesty in my marriage.

But if it's not your story to share, and you share it, that's not honesty. That's gossiping, tattling, telling tales. It's not one bit nice.

If there is something in my life I am inclined to keep from DH, I think long and hard about why that should be. It's often been something I am ashamed of, or at least not proud of

My sister td me a massive secret that she held on to for 55 years. It came out when she was drunk and emotional and me and her were going down memory lane.
She told me that mum and dad forced into having an abortion when she was 16. It caused her a lot if sadness and she was shocked at how cold our parents were towards it.
She hadn't meant to tell me it came out with drink and upset thoughts. There is no need for Dh to know that. It's my sisters business and I wasnt even supposed to know about it.
Dh always asked me if Ive had a good chat with my friends/ sister/brother and doesn't pry any further.

If there is something in my life I am inclined to keep from DH, I think long and hard about why that should be. It's often been something I am ashamed of, or at least not proud of but that's when the secret is about YOU. If I tell you I had an abortion at 14 or was sexually assaulted at 17 or I feel like a failure as a mother, the reason you are inclined to keep it from your husband is because its got stuff all to do with him and your life together.

YANBU. If someone tells me something in complete confidence then I will keep quiet. They have put their trust in me and I would respect that. I certainly do not need to tell DH everything.

I bet all these 'I tell my husband everything' people only actually mean the gossip (aka things told to them in confidence) I bet they aren't detailing their latest poo consistency to their beloved.

@Somuddled

I’m not an ‘I tell DH everything’ person but I did say the phrase ‘I just did a poo so massive it scared me’ earlier this evening.