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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my DSis to keep something confidential from her DH

267 replies

Whatamoraldilema · 28/09/2021 13:23

Last week I told my Dsis something in confidence about my young DS. In hindsight I'm not sure if that is a fair thing to ask. Do you think it's reasonable to ask your sibling to keep something confidential from their partner?

OP posts:
Somuddled · 28/09/2021 22:57

[quote Merryoldgoat]@Somuddled

I’m not an ‘I tell DH everything’ person but I did say the phrase ‘I just did a poo so massive it scared me’ earlier this evening.[/quote]
I miss-read that as scarred!

Merryoldgoat · 28/09/2021 23:07

I am definitely scarred emotionally!

Branleuse · 28/09/2021 23:14

Absolutely fine to ask her to keep it confidential. Hopefully it goes without saying.

steppemum · 28/09/2021 23:15

I do think it is interesting. Dh and I pretty much share everything.
I would usually discuss it wiht him.
A few times I have needed to discuss it, when someone has poured their heart out, it is like a counsellor needing a supervisor to decompress after a difficult conversation.

But I am really careful. If someone asked me to keep it confidential, or it was obvious that I couldn't share it, that they would not want me to, then I wouldn't.

I guess that other side of it is that my dh is the master of discretion and know one would know that he had been told!

Lightswitch123 · 28/09/2021 23:17

@AnneLovesGilbert

Is it something upsetting that she’d likely want his support in dealing with?

Why don’t you want him to know?

I’m very close to my sister. If she explicitly asked me not to tell DH something I’d respect it, as I’m sure would she vice versa, but it’s never happened yet. We trust each other’s husbands as we do each other and if something was up with either of our children we’d share it.

This
CorianderAndCream · 28/09/2021 23:30

Yes but you have to specify that he's not to be told

saraclara · 28/09/2021 23:42

When I shared confidences, it never occurred to me to say "can you keep this to yourself, and that includes not telling your husband". I was naive enough to think that the first half of that sentence was all that was needed.

Plumtree391 · 29/09/2021 01:11

I would have thought the same, saraclara. However it is amazing how much 'pillow talk' goes on.

My work involved confidentiality and I never divulged someone's secrets at work or at home. There are times when you need to discuss but there are confidential avenues available.

Quite honestly, most husbands wouldn't want to know personal things about others anyway.

nokidshere · 29/09/2021 11:08

This happened to me and I told 3 of my best friends who all kept my confidence and to this day hardly anyone knows what happened. I’d have been distraught if they had told anyone at the time and would be feel upset/awkward if they told them years later.

In reality, unless their husbands/partners said anything, you wouldn't know if they had been told or not.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/09/2021 11:17

@SleepingStandingUp

For those who share everything where so you draw the line?

OK some secrets might need support - if I tell my best friend I have cancer or was raped I get she might need to share. Some might be juicy or exciting - if I'm shagging the milkman or pregnant.

But if we're talking "we tell each other everything" then presumably you'd also tell him about my UTI / Thrush, how snotty my kids noses are, my struggle to find a hairdresser etc. Does he actually give a damn? Does he really want to sit there whilst you share the boring crap of my life that I've shared with you out of friendly natter?

Exactly. If your friend told you she had an STD for example, it would be embarrassing for her to think your husband now knows too and in all likelihood he probably doesn't care/want to know anyway.
seaandsandcastles · 29/09/2021 11:26

This happened to me and I told 3 of my best friends who all kept my confidence and to this day hardly anyone knows what happened. I’d have been distraught if they had told anyone at the time and would be feel upset/awkward if they told them years later.

You’d never know, really. My DH wouldn’t tell anyone what I’d told him.

SuperstarDog · 29/09/2021 11:39

You’d never know, really. My DH wouldn’t tell anyone what I’d told him.

Exactly.

VeganCheesePlease · 29/09/2021 11:47

@SleepingStandingUp

Agree with Alexa.

If a friend told me to keep it private but her and DH are having problems in the bedroom / contemplating divorce / want a baby etc it's easy to keep the confidence because there's no emotional toll.

If a friend told me to keep it private but she was dying of cancer, I wouldn't want to go to her with my emotions but I'd need someone

Totally agree with this.
Frogsandsheep · 29/09/2021 11:54

@seaandsandcastles
@nokidshere

Of course I’d never know if they’d actually told their dh but I’d be very sad to think they’d betrayed a confidence.
Having a dh that wouldn’t let it show that he knew isn’t anything to be proud of.

I have some trust issues and I’m pretty sure my closest friends would respect that.

I actually sneakily telling your dh is disgusting. At least if you’re going to betray your friend’s confidence be honest about it like some of the previous posters and tell your friends that you won’t keep a confidence.

Frogsandsheep · 29/09/2021 11:56

@SuperstarDog

That doesn’t make it right.
If you were my friend and knew you were going to tell my most personal secrets to your dh, I’d rather you told me in advance that you were not fully trustworthy and I could choose whether to tell you stuff or not.

saraclara · 29/09/2021 12:09

@seaandsandcastles

This happened to me and I told 3 of my best friends who all kept my confidence and to this day hardly anyone knows what happened. I’d have been distraught if they had told anyone at the time and would be feel upset/awkward if they told them years later.

You’d never know, really. My DH wouldn’t tell anyone what I’d told him.

You think he wouldn't tell anyone. Your friend thinks YOU wouldn't tell anyone. She was wrong. So might you be.
ShaneTheThird · 29/09/2021 12:13

I don't think it's fair to tell someone to keep something from their spouse. If I tell my dsis anything I tell her assuming bil is going to know and vice versa she will tell me something in the knowledge dp will know it too.

saraclara · 29/09/2021 12:19

@ShaneTheThird

I don't think it's fair to tell someone to keep something from their spouse. If I tell my dsis anything I tell her assuming bil is going to know and vice versa she will tell me something in the knowledge dp will know it too.
Why? Why is it not fair to keep someone else's private life from your spouse? Why do they have the right to know their troubles or feelings?
seaandsandcastles · 29/09/2021 12:23

@saraclara Possible, but unlikely. We tell each other everything so if he ever did, he’d tell me. But his mates aren’t going to be interested about someone they don’t know and the connection between spouses is different to mates.

Besides, in nearly two decades if he ever had, I think I’d know by now 😂

ShaneTheThird · 29/09/2021 12:23

Why? Why is it not fair to keep someone else's private life from your spouse? Why do they have the right to know their troubles or feelings?

Because many people want to tell their partner things. Unless it's something about the partner or something like that I just personally find it childish as an adult to ask someone not to tell the person they live with something.

Branleuse · 29/09/2021 12:28

My mum was a therapist and so obviously had plenty of experience in confidentiality. I know if I told her something personal it would be confidential. Its normal to me to not tell your partner other peoples secrets or personal information. I mean, I might do if it was something I was struggling to process and I might talk it over with him or my mum but with clear warning that its confidential, but if I ever felt there was a chance of them being judgey over it then I wouldnt. I do seem to know people with quite big issues going on so sometimes i have to emotionally process difficult things and its hard to do it alone, but i am extra careful if i do have to talk something through, and usually its only if im finding it a headfuck or need advice on it

SuperstarDog · 29/09/2021 12:28

You think he wouldn't tell anyone. Your friend thinks YOU wouldn't tell anyone. She was wrong. So might you be.

I know my partner wouldn’t tell anyone. My friends don’t know me like I know my partner. Thankfully I don’t have friends that ask me to keep things from my partner anyway.

SuperstarDog · 29/09/2021 12:30

If you were my friend and knew you were going to tell my most personal secrets to your dh, I’d rather you told me in advance that you were not fully trustworthy and I could choose whether to tell you stuff or not.

My friends are the same as me in that way. We tell our partners/husbands/wives.

notacooldad · 29/09/2021 13:14

Thankfully I don’t have friends that ask me to keep things from my partner anyway.

They shouldn't have to. Why would you, and others on here need to tell your partners everything about a friend's life. People are saying they tell husbands EVERYTHING! Why would your husband need to know I have thrush, for example. He doesn't. But motormouths on here think it is ok because ' we don't like secrets, he won't tell anyone anyway.'
Utter bullshit.
Thank goodness my band of friends are single!

There's 1000s of things you can chat about each evening or whenever but why talk about personal intimate stuff that isn't his business.

I'm not saying I never mention friends in conversation, of course I do, but it will be what film they have seen and if it's worth going, or if they've enjoyed the latest restaurant in the village.

SuperstarDog · 29/09/2021 13:21

notacooldad

That’s great if it’s what works for you. My way of doing things works for me. My partner and friends are all happy with our relationships. I’ve already said there’s probably lots of things I don’t tell my partner, just nothing that I wouldn’t. It’s weird that some people can’t accept that others have different ways of living.