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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ugh - have just lost it with DCs SM...

132 replies

whycantwegoonasthree · 27/09/2021 14:12

Sorry IABU because I've posted about this before:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4344824-AIBU-SM-and-DC-school-stuff?

But now I've lost it with both her and EXH - she's signed up to be fucking year rep for DC1s main sport, (on top of being class rep) AND has emailed youngest DCs form teacher without even cc-ing me, about something that I had already said to DC2 she needed to sort out for herself.

And I've lost my temper via WhatsApp and given her a real ticking off about not going over my head, and not going against parenting decisions that I've made with DCs and not even checking with me.

I've said that I think we probably need a parenting agreement where we agree how we do things, and also a roles and responsibilities outline as to who does what - and from my POV expressly who DOES NOT do what.

I hate the way I'm feeling and this is not how I wanted to be - I wanted to be so much cooler than this but the emailing the teacher thing alongside the additional rep thing just triggered me into an emotional reaction.

I feel shit - but have I been unreasonable to lose it?

3

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 27/09/2021 14:15

I think a lot of this will depend on what information is being fed to her by your ex.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2021 14:16

YANBU at all. She seriously needs to wind her neck in and get a hobby.

I’m not surprised you’ve lost it, you’ve put up with far more than most people would!

Has she replied?

FlorallyBankrupt · 27/09/2021 14:22

Yikes, yanbu. I haven't read your previous thread so I might only be basing this on a snapshot, sorry, but speaking as a SM to three now adult children myself, she is really overstepping.

My relationship with my SC's mum has always been tricky but dreadful as she is for many reasons, I would never have interfered - whether well-meaning or not. You are right to assert yourself and set boundaries, just keep your head!

And yes - do check what has been said between her and your ex.

Aprilx · 27/09/2021 14:25

I was t sure at first, mainly because I don’t know what a year rep, class rep or sports rep is but it sounded like something that is not purely about your child.

But having read again and looked at your other thread, yes she needs to take a big step back. I don’t have children, if I were to find myself a step mum, I seriously cannot even imagine a world in which I would start emailing teachers about my stepchildren when there is still a real mother (and father) around.

asprinklingofsugar · 27/09/2021 14:27

I remember your last thread and I’d say YANBU

mumjustmum · 27/09/2021 14:27

I think I'd have lost it too. You were VERY good about all this in your previous thread.
My kids are all too young for school, and even so, we wouldn't be going private for financial reasons, so apologies if this is a silly suggestion...
who pays for schooling? Is it you AND ex? Or just Ex and his wife?
Wondering if a polite reminder to the school who pays for this education might help? They are a business after all. Also, are there consent forms for contact and info? If so, can she be removed?
She's overstepping.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2021 14:27

I was a stepmum before I was a mum. My husband is perfectly capable of managing his relationship with his children’s school. I attended parents evenings and plays when they asked me to, helped with homework where I could, and that was plenty.

CityMumma78 · 27/09/2021 14:27

YANBU - she should know her place! These are YOUR children, you have every right to feel thoroughly pissed off!!

BingBongToTheMoon · 27/09/2021 14:29

I read your last thread.
I would’ve lost my shit LOOOOOOOOONG ago!
Surprised it took you this long to be honest.
YANBU.

Row1n · 27/09/2021 14:29

Wow, she needs to get a job or have kids of her own to fill her time. Who on earth does she think she is?!

CornishGem1975 · 27/09/2021 14:34

YANBU. I am a SM (and a mum) and I wouldn't dream of getting involved with my stepkids school at all. I don't attend anything at the school either as this is their mum's instruction. (I realise I could if I wanted to, but just to keep the peace...)

KatherineSiena · 27/09/2021 14:41

I read your previous thread and I thought you were being very generous and inclusive (far more magnanimous than I would have been). For her now to do this is unacceptable and she is really overreaching. To email a teacher without even doing you the courtesy of a copy is overstepping boundaries big time.

What does your ex think about it all? Or is he lazy and just lets his wife step into his parenting shoes.

I don’t blame you for pushing back strongly and I think some strong boundaries are indeed needed.

HunkyPunk · 27/09/2021 14:43

What a bloody cheek! I know wouldn’t have been able to stop myself having a go at her in your position. They’re your children, not hers. I think she massively overstepped by becoming class rep etc. before even letting you think about it. She sounds like the kind of step mum you’d want for your children if they didn’t already have a mother.

Rosebel · 27/09/2021 14:46

Did you tell her what you'd said to DC2? Or your ex? I don't know how relationships are between you (strained?) but do you and your ex usually discuss these things? If so she needs to butt out.
With the sport rep are you annoyed because you wanted to do it? It could be seen as over stepping the mark or as her trying to be involved with your children which is surely a good thing.
Parenting agreement sounds like a good idea. At least every one knows where they stand then. If she ignores that then she is very unreasonable.

RudestLittleMadam · 27/09/2021 14:49

YANBU she really needs to back off and tbh sometimes you have to lose your shit with people like this or they just never listen to you.

flumpetto · 27/09/2021 14:51

Not unreasonable at all. I would've absolutely lost my shit about this a long time ago and I think you're a saint for getting this far without exploding.

scoopydoopy · 27/09/2021 14:56

Yanbu op. This would get right up my nose.

Nowomenaroundeh · 27/09/2021 15:00

Yadnbu! I am a stepmum who feels massively taken for granted but she is miles out of line here. How dare she? She is not a parent.

Peaseblossum22 · 27/09/2021 15:00

I think you need to remind the school who has parental responsibility . I work in a school we would not accept any communication from a step parent without the express permission of BoTH birth/adoptive parents . Arguably they could be in breach of GDPR

CasaBonita · 27/09/2021 15:07

This would enrage me. She's way over stepping the mark BUT, is she being influenced by your ex husband perhaps?

NewlyGranny · 27/09/2021 15:07

School needs a firm reminder of who the DC's DPs actually are. DSM is basically a volunteer, which is great for school, but overstepped with the emailing!

I think the whole family could do with using Our Family Wizard app. 😉

AryaStarkWolf · 27/09/2021 15:10

Oh I would hate that, YADNBU

ManifestingJoy · 27/09/2021 15:11

@AnneLovesGilbert

YANBU at all. She seriously needs to wind her neck in and get a hobby.

I’m not surprised you’ve lost it, you’ve put up with far more than most people would!

Has she replied?

This. Has she no life?

Its too late now but from now on, smile serenely and say thank you for all your service.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 27/09/2021 15:15

I'm just so upset, because this is not how I want things to be, or even how I want to be.

Specific questions: ExH and I split the school fees 50/50, but they are paid out of his account for simplicity.

I don't know what ExH discusses with her, I filled in EXH on what DC and I had spoken about re this thing she emailed about today - but I've no idea if that was relayed.

And yes, SM does most of the parenting on their side from what I can see. She has a FT job, but doesn't have kids of her own. She was late 40s when she an EXH married so it's likely that ship had sailed. She's been a very devoted auntie and used to do kids work at their church. TBH I feel for her on that front, which is why I always wanted to be inclusive and welcoming.

I guess I'm just finding the limits of my boundaries.

She said she needed to know what had been decided re youngest DC for school pickup - it was more than I wasn't spoken to first or CC'd.

She thinks a parenting agreement "sounds tricky and like a lot of extra work" and we've had a very fractious conversation this morning.

Not helped by something I had said to her about the rep thing - which was about how I was personally feeling about it to explain why I was effectively requesting she didn't do it, which I then got an earful from my EXH for having said - I wasn't aware that our conversations were being read by him. Apparently I am being "ridiculous and unfair" according to him.

It's just all got me feeling like I want to push back further than I did before and say "right, that's it - only involvement with school is either me or EXH" because otherwise there's just this constant scope-creep...

Sorry if this is jumbled, I have been really rattled and upset by this.

OP posts:
pianolessons1 · 27/09/2021 15:15

How bizarre. No way would our class accept a step mum as class rep without being very sure that the mum was happy with it.

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