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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ugh - have just lost it with DCs SM...

132 replies

whycantwegoonasthree · 27/09/2021 14:12

Sorry IABU because I've posted about this before:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4344824-AIBU-SM-and-DC-school-stuff?

But now I've lost it with both her and EXH - she's signed up to be fucking year rep for DC1s main sport, (on top of being class rep) AND has emailed youngest DCs form teacher without even cc-ing me, about something that I had already said to DC2 she needed to sort out for herself.

And I've lost my temper via WhatsApp and given her a real ticking off about not going over my head, and not going against parenting decisions that I've made with DCs and not even checking with me.

I've said that I think we probably need a parenting agreement where we agree how we do things, and also a roles and responsibilities outline as to who does what - and from my POV expressly who DOES NOT do what.

I hate the way I'm feeling and this is not how I wanted to be - I wanted to be so much cooler than this but the emailing the teacher thing alongside the additional rep thing just triggered me into an emotional reaction.

I feel shit - but have I been unreasonable to lose it?

3

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 27/09/2021 19:19

Who is admin on the parent Whatsapp? She needs removing. She’s gone (far) too bloody far. She’s trying to replace you as parent. Surely the school doesn’t accept her as legally responsible/in place of a real parent? She shouldn’t be class rep or have any communication with your child’s school. Time to step up and tell her to withdraw, your child has 2 parents, she doesn’t need a 3rd. I’d be speaking to the school and the Whatsapp admin.

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/09/2021 19:26

I would also speak to the school and have her removed as a contact and class rep.

They probably haven’t joined the dots.

Staryflight445 · 27/09/2021 19:42

Your Ex needs to step up. Your children have a very involved mum, they don’t need anybody trying to be just as involved, or someone who is trying to make parental decisions on their behalf/ getting so involved in school matters.

It’s not just overstepping, it’s disrespectful of him to allow this to go on and id imagine it’s very confusing for your children.

I would actually email your ex after this scenario and reiterate boundary’s you want to see going forward including- her stepping down from being a rep.
Absolutely no contact with school
To not be present during parents evenings or other school events.

There is no point in them having another active adult in their life whilst it’s disrespecting you in front of your children.

Boundary’s are so important, clearly with this women.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/09/2021 19:43

So now that you have put her in her place are you going to take over and be class rep for "your" DC1 and sports rep for "your" DC2? If you can't ban her from school events or keep her from using her married name then maybe a big badge for you: My name is WCWGOAT mother of DC1 and DC2.

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/09/2021 19:45

I can’t see why she shouldn’t be banned as class rep! She’s not a parent.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2021 19:47

Yes, you definitely need to regain territory. I think it is highly inappropriate that she’s even on that parents group. She is not a parent and has no parental rights. She’s stamping all over your boundaries. Hide of a rhino is definitely correct.

Again. I really think it is time to tell her how you feel. You can be very pleasant about it. But she needs to be told in no uncertain terms to back off. The problem is you’ve let it go on for so long to be kind when all you’ve done is allowed her to take your role of parent.

sandybeaches74 · 27/09/2021 19:51

Honestly, YADNBU and she needs to back off. You need to tell her that, to her face and very clearly. How dare she? On your parents whatsapp, class rep - is she mad!! She's definitely hand that rocks the cradle and if I were you, I'd be nipping it in the bud now. Who does she think she is?!

Evesgarden · 27/09/2021 19:54

Well done for standing your ground OP.

I'd put money on it than when you do make yourself visible on the group a lot of the mothers will be Hmm that she actually put herself forward as class rep. I bet most people think she is the mother of your dc

MeridianB · 27/09/2021 19:54

As a step mum and mother, I am stunned at her behaviour. If you’re sure she’s doing all this with good intentions then she is still misguided and lacking in social intelligence.

Really inappropriate for her to be class rep and contacting the school. I know you don’t want to escalate but a note to the office reminding them that there’s no parental responsibility feels appropriate.

MeridianB · 27/09/2021 19:57

Just read your other thread and I can’t believe she turns up at parent evenings, actively engaging teachers! It’s so inappropriate.

Is it possible your ex is encouraging all this to annoy you?

HappyDays101010 · 27/09/2021 19:59

Class rep? Fucking hell!

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 27/09/2021 20:16

I also think you are being too passive.

Personally I would speak to the school and ask that they remove her as class rep rather than getting into some kind of social competition. She doesn't have PR and it's wholly inappropriate for her to be assuming this role. You aren't comfortable with the overstepping and frankly, you are batshit for allowing it to happen. Feeling sorry for her shouldn't extend to enabling her to take over your role as the children's mother!

You do need to remind the school that communication must only be with you/your ex. I would also stop allowing the fees to be paid from your ex husband's account. Let your 50% go from your own account - I think it would send a message to the school that you are the 'customer', not your children's stepmother.

saraclara · 27/09/2021 20:30

I am genuinely bewildered by all this. It's like something out of a novel or a film. She is trying to be you.

At the very least, you need to remind the school that she does not have parental responsibility and that it is you that they should be in contact with. And if she emails them they are not to communicate anything about your child without checking with you first.

As a pp said, it doesn't have to be combative. You can just say that recent communications have led to confusion.

Personally, I would challenge her being class/team rep. But I don't think you will.

kitkat6 · 27/09/2021 20:34

Has ex DP passed all parenting responsibilities to her to deal with if so all this could be coming from a genuine caring and loving place. Actually wanting to help not hinder.
Yes she is overstepping but it seems out of love rather than malice.
I speak as a stepmom (whose DSS's bio mother has barely any contact and hasn't attended a parents evening, sports day or school play in 9 years) I deal with 99% of school stuff, homework, tears and drama. Also as a mum where I deal with 99% of the above stuff as well. My role doesn't really change between the children.

Your children obviously do have a loving mother but if they have a useless father when it comes to school admin she could be trying to help shoulder some of that. She seems kind but misplaced, coffee and cake may get you further than a falling out long term

HappyDays101010 · 27/09/2021 20:38

The whole, I'm going to step up with being sociable with other mums in your child's class is just a way of sidestepping having a direct conversation with her, or the school about being class rep.

bigbaggyeyes · 27/09/2021 20:50

I think in your shoes I'd also email school and tell them that unless it comes from either your or exdh then they shouldn't respond and inform you

candlelightsatdawn · 27/09/2021 20:53

I mean like it's one of those things would I find it annoying yes, would I be livid probably not.

The emailing thing was weird but maybe she just wanted to find out when pick up time was regardless of which club DC goes too. That to me makes sense esp if DC has been dithering and she's trying to plan pick up around full times job ? That's not something that can be done last min

The class rep thing I mean that's not something I would be overtly concerned about tbh.

Sounds like your ex is a bit useless and she's stepping up to the plate (maybe a bit OTT) but as my DD mum I know no one can take my place and I'm rather to old to care what others think about me tbh.

BoredZelda · 27/09/2021 20:54

From your other thread, there is not a snowball’s chance in hell I’d have a step parent attending parents evening no matter how much parenting they did. Anything they need to know can be fed back to them.

Her response does sound like she has backed off. I guess it is a wait and see situation now.

HiJenny35 · 27/09/2021 21:20

Step back a second, do you actually want these things? Class rep is a good role because you don't miss anything that the kids are doing that needs prep but it's a pain in the arse and a political minefield when an issue occurs and tbh if someone else in the family can do it and just tell you what you really need to know that sounds ideal. So she gets her face seen at school and the mums know her but the teachers will know the situation and know you and close friends of children will know you, do you really want the school politics of being known by all the mums in various clicky groups, I'd love to be out of it. I can 100% see how you feel you toes are being stepped upon, however, sometimes it's a case of the grass isn't always greener, her having those roles could really work for you and your children and like you say the important thing is that your kids have many people in their life that love them and tbh she sounds much better than your ex. Your kids will always love you in a different way to her, you don't need to make this into a battle. Let's be honest you didn't want to be the class rep (what a nightmare) or the sports rep (it would have taken too much of your time away). Make it clear you want to be ccd in all emails related to the children (or sent them first to check) and that all sporting fixtures you want the option to attend. I really think this could all work in your favour, she does the leg work, you get to see and enjoy the time with the kids, think of her as a pa and I do all the crap admin and the kids don't see or thank you for it, they don't even realise you do it. I really think you can make this work for you.

Wallywobbles · 27/09/2021 21:26

Im mystified how can she be class rep when she has no kids in the school. That's weird as fuck. And I'm a very involved step parent.

Waterfallgirl · 27/09/2021 21:34

I cannot see how she can be a class rep? Surely she has no children in the school, so why a rep.
Also she doesn’t have any parental rights to speak to teachers or make decisions .
I’d be asking the school to clarify why they are engaging with her at all in any of this. Just weird.

Imagine, if ( and I don’t know if you are in another relationship?) your partner ( a man) tried to email the teacher, act as class rep and or engage with school staff about the children. I can’t believe they would entertain this.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 27/09/2021 23:39

There doesn't seem to be any rules about who they will talk to - or maybe because she has the same surname it's deemed ok? Maybe the school is equally lazy and didn't check.

I do have a partner, there's no way on earth he would dream of emailing the school… ever.

@HiJenny35 I agree with you that class rep is a job I wouldn't want in a million years. It's a massive ball-ache. Point is, it's not a role she's entitled to have, I was uncomfortable with the first one, the second I am putting my foot down. And neither is it ok to email the school, ever. That's my job or ExH – and if he did it I would expect to have been spoken to first and cc'd. It was compounded here by undermining a parenting decision that had already been made. And it's not the first time.

I'm not about to ask her permission to attend sporting events either...

OP posts:
Jux · 28/09/2021 00:06

Is your ex any good at communicating? I was wondering if she attends parents' evening because he doesn't tell her what the teachers say so she has no idea how to help them, as she does the bulk of the parenting when they're there.

lolliespalooza · 28/09/2021 00:22

100% agree with sending an email to the school politely saying you think there may be some confusion from teachers due to you having a different name from DCs and reminding them

A) DCs have two parents - you (name) and ex (name).

B) Only these two people have parental responsibility.

C) Teachers should only discuss DCs with these two people.

D) DCs SM (name) does not have parental responsibility.

You might not be able to do anything about the Whatzapp if it is separate from the school and managed by other parents.

coconutpie · 28/09/2021 12:16

YANBU at all. I think it's very weird that she's the class rep at all, she has no children in the school! It would be different if it was a stepmother and no mum in the picture and the SM wanted to be involved but your DC have two parents already, there is absolutely no need for a third to be added into the mix. I think it's inappropriate that she has been allowed take on the role of class rep and I would seriously consider speaking to the school about it.

For that event where your exH said that they were both going (after you said you would be going) and there were only spaces for 2, how would your exH have reacted if you said actually, I'm going, as is my DP, that's the two spaces filled up now. I would be using that line as much as possible, exH might then realise how bloody ridiculous this all is.