Ugh - have just lost it with DCs SM...

[whycantwegoonasthree]

Sorry IABU because I've posted about this before:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4344824-AIBU-SM-and-DC-school-stuff?

But now I've lost it with both her and EXH - she's signed up to be fucking year rep for DC1s main sport, (on top of being class rep) AND has emailed youngest DCs form teacher without even cc-ing me, about something that I had already said to DC2 she needed to sort out for herself.

And I've lost my temper via WhatsApp and given her a real ticking off about not going over my head, and not going against parenting decisions that I've made with DCs and not even checking with me.

I've said that I think we probably need a parenting agreement where we agree how we do things, and also a roles and responsibilities outline as to who does what - and from my POV expressly who DOES NOT do what.

I hate the way I'm feeling and this is not how I wanted to be - I wanted to be so much cooler than this but the emailing the teacher thing alongside the additional rep thing just triggered me into an emotional reaction.

I feel shit - but have I been unreasonable to lose it?

3

Your Ex-husband sounds lazy and she is over involved.
I am a step mum I would NEVER over step like that.
It sounds really stressful OP, I think you need to be very clear on boundaries.
Shes way overstepped the mark.

I would email school saying something a long the lines of emailing step mum is a breach of data protection and as @chaszbrilliantattitude has said, step mum has no right to make decisions in relation to your dc. I wouldn't talk to step mum and I'd be taking legal action for effective enforcement

Make sit the schools problem.

Reinforce that she does not have parental responsibility and that you must be informed of all issues pertaining to your child directly and before she is.

This request will make her taking a volunteer position untenable as it will be a conflict of interest.

School need to step up and get her to step down. They’ll want to take the path of least resistance

its unsurprising that boundaries get blurred and accidentally crossed sometimes

Really? This thread is full of step parents who manage not to ‘accidentally’ cross boundaries!

I’d also seriously consider sending her these two threads.

Her behaviour is way out of line and you are being so generous in your approach, perhaps she needs that pointing out.

I think you need to contact the school and make very clear that your EXH wife is not your DCs parent and that it's completely inappropriate for her to be sticking her nose in. I'm sure she probably means well but it should be a no-brainer that she shouldn't go over your head when it comes to matters relating to your children.

I’d be fuming too OP

I’d contact the school, tell them she is not the parent. I’d stop her collecting them from school completely. Even if it meant collecting them from
the office.

It looks like she knows he's useless and she takes on the role he should be taking. Maybe if she wanted children she's happy to do this now. She does sound like a decent woman but ffs she really needs to back off.

Agree with others; tell school only discuss DCs with their actual parents. Also block her. Speak to your ex only and keep it civil and no more.

Sometimes boundaries are best for everyone.

There may even be an element of performance with the two of them showing how fab a parent she is, or maybe not. Either way, don't engage.

My exDH & I agreed exactly this - only he or I to contact school or give permissions. Likewise I would never contact my DSC school.

I think it is a good thing that you have lost it. I think you should keep being angry about this for a good while if that will enable you to be clear and lay down some boundaries. She has overstepped but maybe it hasn't been obvious to her if you have been focused on making her feel welcome and included. It sounds like this is an argument that needs to be had.

Yes I agree with posters saying the school shouldn't be communicating with someone who doesn't have parental responsibility.

Do you know OP I think you absolutely should draw v strict boundaries and curtail her role. That way you won't have the constant back and forth as you try and hold the line. I'm sure she's well meaning. But you are the mum and no one should be undermining that.

You’ve been way too nice , she has no kids of her own so has decided that she wants to be ‘mum’ to yours , she can’t they already have a perfectly able mum . You need to stop this now by telling the school that in future it will only be you and ex that they are to deal with and that doesn’t mean they deal with her because she is exs ‘agent’ .

@PegasusReturns

Make sit the schools problem.

Reinforce that she does not have parental responsibility and that you must be informed of all issues pertaining to your child directly and before she is.

This request will make her taking a volunteer position untenable as it will be a conflict of interest.

School need to step up and get her to step down. They’ll want to take the path of least resistance

This. Yes, your DC’s stepmum clearly love them. But she should not be getting involved with the school on any level without your agreement.

Op stand firm she is massively overstepping I'm a step mum and pregnant and would never behave like this with dss

Yanbu…she needs to be told…

Hi @whycantwegoonasthree has she responded?

I agree I would now make this a school problem but make her aware you have emailed the school about her involvement and that actually only you and Ex have parental responsibility.

I would tell her that whilst you appreciate that she genuinely cares about the kids the school stuff now needs to be left to you to avoid further confusion and embarrassment.

You do need to stick firm with this OP as it will most likely get worse. Imagine when one of your dc get married/have kids ....

I commented on your previous thread that you had under reacted in my opinion. She will continue to act out of bounds. The fact she hasn’t apologised and is now resisting your very reasonable request…who does she think she is?

I wondered if the SM had responded ? Hoping se has seen the error of what she's doing

I agree with PP that you need to email the school.

Also, think about what @Amiwronghere has said. She has not apologised for overstepping boundaries and l think that she is not as sweet or endearing at all. She’s trying to ascertain that she is ‘MUM’ on everything aside from biology.

Oh and yes to what @Onesipmore has said.

You’ve clearly been very kind and patient with the SM. If you don’t want to go all out then I’d go for reiterating some of the issues you’ve raised here and push the parenting agreement again with her and your lazy EXH. You can make clear that whilst you’re glad she wants to be involved in your DC’s lives, she has absolutely overstepped in this and previous instances (becoming class rep, hobby rep without your agreement?! What the heck.)

If it’s a no, then say that unfortunately as you can’t reach a suitable agreement then you will have to contact the school and make it clear that they are only to contact your EXH or yourself directly as you are the adults with parental responsibility. Given she’s built up a social life around your DC’s schooling, I suspect she/they will backtrack sharpish.

If she/they don’t, then follow through. Get in touch with the school to make sure all emails for the year/class are cc’d to the two of you every time. Her position as class/hobbies rep will be untenable. I don’t know if the school would do it but you could also ask them to require permissions etc over the phone or in person from you and EXH given that emails can be impersonated.

You really need to have a meeting with the school. This is insane and they should not be allowing it to happen.

Of course she could use your DH's email and pretend to be him, I suppose. But this class rep thing is madness. And they should not be dealing directly with her without your permission.