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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ugh - have just lost it with DCs SM...

132 replies

whycantwegoonasthree · 27/09/2021 14:12

Sorry IABU because I've posted about this before:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4344824-AIBU-SM-and-DC-school-stuff?

But now I've lost it with both her and EXH - she's signed up to be fucking year rep for DC1s main sport, (on top of being class rep) AND has emailed youngest DCs form teacher without even cc-ing me, about something that I had already said to DC2 she needed to sort out for herself.

And I've lost my temper via WhatsApp and given her a real ticking off about not going over my head, and not going against parenting decisions that I've made with DCs and not even checking with me.

I've said that I think we probably need a parenting agreement where we agree how we do things, and also a roles and responsibilities outline as to who does what - and from my POV expressly who DOES NOT do what.

I hate the way I'm feeling and this is not how I wanted to be - I wanted to be so much cooler than this but the emailing the teacher thing alongside the additional rep thing just triggered me into an emotional reaction.

I feel shit - but have I been unreasonable to lose it?

3

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 27/09/2021 15:16

I remember reading your previous thread and thinking she majorly oversteps the line!
Yeah it's lovely that she wants the best for your child but that's the crux, it's YOUR child, not hers!!!!
I'd be fuming too!

whiteonesugar · 27/09/2021 15:25

Wow that's over the line. I am a SM and I wouldn't DREAM of this, even when my DSC's mum wasn't bothering to send them to school! I didn't even feel comfortable going to DSD's end of primary production!

harriethoyle · 27/09/2021 15:25

I don't think you're unreasonable to have raised it, or to have been peed off by it but I think you're probably unreasonable to have lost it. You don't know if ie exH asked her to send that email, not knowing or caring what you and DC had discussed, and so she was acting at his behest. I suspect you would have better setting clearer boundaries last time when you were concerned by the hobby activity and perhaps if you had, this wouldn't have come to head - particularly in light of the hard work you've clearly put in to have a good co-parenting relationship with exH and general relationship with SM.

Lavender24 · 27/09/2021 15:27

YANBU. Just glanced over your other thread and I'd have lost it long before now if I were you. She needs to back off. They are not her children.

lockdownalli · 27/09/2021 15:29

fucking hell - can you buy her a puppy?

LittleMysSister · 27/09/2021 15:37

@harriethoyle

I don't think you're unreasonable to have raised it, or to have been peed off by it but I think you're probably unreasonable to have lost it. You don't know if ie exH asked her to send that email, not knowing or caring what you and DC had discussed, and so she was acting at his behest. I suspect you would have better setting clearer boundaries last time when you were concerned by the hobby activity and perhaps if you had, this wouldn't have come to head - particularly in light of the hard work you've clearly put in to have a good co-parenting relationship with exH and general relationship with SM.
I agree with this.

She wouldn't be getting involved if she didn't have your ex's permission to do so, so I think this might be a conversation you need to have with him.

It does sound like she's overstepping regarding the school thing - I am an SM and I would never do get in touch with my SC's school. The only reason I ever would is if my DP asked me to.

I think there is definitely a middle ground between what she's doing now and backing off completely. I don't think the class/sports rep thing is that bad, but I don't think she needs to attend parents evening and she definitely doesn't need to email the school.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/09/2021 15:38

I would contact the school and remind them that the SM does not have parental responsibility. Information should only be passed to you or your ex and that teachers must be clear that the SM has no right to make any decisions relation to your DC.

pelosi · 27/09/2021 15:39

I did say on your other thread you need to tell her to back off!

Quartz2208 · 27/09/2021 15:40

Yes she does - and I think you need to stop feeling bad for her lack of children because it is impacting on your relationship with them

LatinforTelly · 27/09/2021 15:41

You're not being unreasonable, OP. Just read your previous thread. Can you say that yes, a parenting agreement will be extra work but has become necessary because of the failure to respect boundaries (in better words)? Do you get any sense from your conversations that she realises she's overstepped the mark or is she self-righteous?

thenewduchessofhastings · 27/09/2021 15:42

Basically this woman didn't have kids of her own and is now post menopausal;it's not happening for her so she's trying to hijack your kids which is creepy and desperate.

I hope she doesn't make any decisions about what your kids do at school as she has no parental responsibility and legally can't give permission for certain things or the school could be landing themselves in hot water.

I'd say your ex needs up step up and do some actual parenting but he's clearly not going to as he's got himself a free nanny who'll happily make up for the fact he's a lazy parent.

Geriatric1234 · 27/09/2021 15:43

I say this as an SM: she's really overstepping, albeit I'm sure with the best of intentions in that she's enjoying feeling like a parent. I am also 40's and childfree, and can relate to how lovely it is when you have DSC you get on with and suddenly you understand the daily tasks/challenges your friends with kids go through. It's pretty cool. But I exist in the real world where know I am not my DSC's mum and I would NEVER do anything that she's done without checking with my DH's ex first. It's really, really annoying she is doing that.

I'd apologise for losing it but absolutely say enough is enough and it's time for clear boundaries because you are the mother and if you are being made to feel sidelined that is not okay. x

Chickychickydodah · 27/09/2021 15:45

You need to speak to school and set boundaries. Gdpr included

HappyDays101010 · 27/09/2021 15:46

fucking hell - can you buy her a puppy

Grin
FawnFrenchieMum · 27/09/2021 15:47

@harriethoyle

I don't think you're unreasonable to have raised it, or to have been peed off by it but I think you're probably unreasonable to have lost it. You don't know if ie exH asked her to send that email, not knowing or caring what you and DC had discussed, and so she was acting at his behest. I suspect you would have better setting clearer boundaries last time when you were concerned by the hobby activity and perhaps if you had, this wouldn't have come to head - particularly in light of the hard work you've clearly put in to have a good co-parenting relationship with exH and general relationship with SM.
This is pretty much what I would have said.

It would have been better to address it before you totally blew up.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 27/09/2021 15:54

This was my last WhatsApp to SM:

So for example, today, DC2s form teacher should not have been emailed about [subject] club and [sport], when I had been talking with DC2 for the last fortnight and again on Friday about having the conversation herself with her [subject] teacher to work out when and where it is and if it clashes with anything else and making her own plans about it.

And it certainly shouldn't have happened without a conversation between us and me being cc'd if it had been decided that was what we should do. I would at the very least have liked DC2 to have had the opportunity to sort this for herself, given that she'd had the first part of the conversation with her [subject] teacher last week.

So what has happened today has directly clashed with what I had told DC2 was happening - in that we weren't going to sort it for her - she needed to work it out with her teachers herself.

So I feel like I've both been undermined with DC2 and you have gone over my head to her form teacher without even cc-ing me, so it looks like I've not even been involved in getting this sorted.

***

Of course she didn't know I was fuming and in tears when I wrote this.

OP posts:
sofakingcool · 27/09/2021 15:58

Blimey she's well and truly over stepping, isn't she? I think her heart is probably in the right place, but she needs to learn some boundaries

My DH is DS1's step dad, he does an awful lot for him - more than I do - most of his sports stuff, runs him around to school events, has attended nearly every parents eve with me and sports days if he could get the time off.

However, he wouldn't dream of going that far if DS's Dad wanted to do it etc. Sadly that isn't the case though, as DS's Dad has been a firm EOW and nothing more since the day we separated so DH a few years later ended up taking over the dad duties role. Absolutely he wouldn't have done if it upset his Dad though.

lescompagnonsdeloue · 27/09/2021 15:59

She's not their parent, and that's the bottom line. It is none of your business how your ex organises his time with your children (up to a point, clearly, but if she is doing the majority of the parenting, then in a sense, you have no say in that, that's their relationship). But she doesn't get to have a role with the school, she has no responsibility, or power over decisions, and I think you have been flexible and nice, but it needs to stop. So you say, either, parenting agreement, or else, you stop communicating with her, altogether.

Hapoydayz · 27/09/2021 16:00

Wow this is very hand that rocks the cradle. No wonder you are angry and upset. Contacting the school to remind them she doesn't have PR would be a good idea. I'm surprised the school will allow this.

Sally872 · 27/09/2021 16:01

Yanbu. I hope you can all work some sort of middle ground out but I suspect it will be difficult to get her to stick to boundaries.

LittleMysSister · 27/09/2021 16:03

@whycantwegoonasthree

This was my last WhatsApp to SM:

So for example, today, DC2s form teacher should not have been emailed about [subject] club and [sport], when I had been talking with DC2 for the last fortnight and again on Friday about having the conversation herself with her [subject] teacher to work out when and where it is and if it clashes with anything else and making her own plans about it.

And it certainly shouldn't have happened without a conversation between us and me being cc'd if it had been decided that was what we should do. I would at the very least have liked DC2 to have had the opportunity to sort this for herself, given that she'd had the first part of the conversation with her [subject] teacher last week.

So what has happened today has directly clashed with what I had told DC2 was happening - in that we weren't going to sort it for her - she needed to work it out with her teachers herself.

So I feel like I've both been undermined with DC2 and you have gone over my head to her form teacher without even cc-ing me, so it looks like I've not even been involved in getting this sorted.

***

Of course she didn't know I was fuming and in tears when I wrote this.

I don't think this is even a bad message, is this you losing it?!

I would definitely ask your ex though because I'd be surprised if she'd emailed the teacher without asking him about the topic first. I'd be very surprised if he'd reported back what you'd spoken to him about and she'd still gone ahead and done this.

Chloemol · 27/09/2021 16:03

It’s simple

You inform the school that information is only to given to you and your ex husband. That any emails from the SM are to be ignored as she does not have your permission to be involved in any discussions involving the children, and that any responses to any email from either your ex or you are to be copied into both you and your ex

If you ex chooses to tell her then that’s on him, but at least you know the school must ignore anything from her

Branleuse · 27/09/2021 16:04

i think it probably needed to come out like this in order for you to come to a better compromise. Clearly she is putting in a lot of effort to help raise your children because she loves them, and that is so so valuable but its unsurprising that boundaries get blurred and accidentally crossed sometimes

ArrrMeHearties · 27/09/2021 16:04

I read your first thread and thought yanbu then and I stand by that now having read this one

Hattie765 · 27/09/2021 16:04

I feel for you but tbh you're allowing this to happen. You don't have to be the 'cool parent' this is just making you miserable, why put up with it? You made him your ex for a reason. Tell the school they deal with you or ex only, stop communicating with her at all, block her, only message your ex and only about the kids, don't get into long text chains, say what you have to say and leave it at that. Follow these rules and your life will be much happier xx