Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ugh - have just lost it with DCs SM...

132 replies

whycantwegoonasthree · 27/09/2021 14:12

Sorry IABU because I've posted about this before:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4344824-AIBU-SM-and-DC-school-stuff?

But now I've lost it with both her and EXH - she's signed up to be fucking year rep for DC1s main sport, (on top of being class rep) AND has emailed youngest DCs form teacher without even cc-ing me, about something that I had already said to DC2 she needed to sort out for herself.

And I've lost my temper via WhatsApp and given her a real ticking off about not going over my head, and not going against parenting decisions that I've made with DCs and not even checking with me.

I've said that I think we probably need a parenting agreement where we agree how we do things, and also a roles and responsibilities outline as to who does what - and from my POV expressly who DOES NOT do what.

I hate the way I'm feeling and this is not how I wanted to be - I wanted to be so much cooler than this but the emailing the teacher thing alongside the additional rep thing just triggered me into an emotional reaction.

I feel shit - but have I been unreasonable to lose it?

3

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 27/09/2021 17:45

Reinforce that she does not have parental responsibility and that you must be informed of all issues pertaining to your child directly

This. Inform the school today

saraclara · 27/09/2021 17:46

I don't know what ExH discusses with her, I filled in EXH on what DC and I had spoken about re this thing she emailed about today - but I've no idea if that was relayed.

Ask him how he'd feel if you had a new partner who made decisions about his DCs over his head, without his permission. And who took his place as Dad with school or a club.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 27/09/2021 17:48

Repply just now

Ok. DC2 didn’t know I emailed and is primed to sort herself out today but was saying it clashed with [sport] club and I needed to figure out pick up time. I am very happy to step away from emails and so forth and for you and EXH to liaise going forwards.

Maybe that's job done then?

There was a parallel conversation about sports rep thing - I explained carefully that I felt that there were very few opportunities for parental visibility, and that by stepping into these roles she had claimed whatever visibility there was, and that I'd rather she didn't, and took care to explain my feelings about that.

That was when EXH emailed to say I was being hysterical and ridiculous, and the point I realised that our conversations were being shared with him. So am minded to do less explaining and more simply yes/no.

I don't really want to make it an official school matter - I think that portrays us in a bad light as parents who are at war - which we're not - and would be an escalation.

I don't want to end up in a situation where we can't collaborate and work together well - which is what I've always wanted to achieve in as friendly a way as possible - but today was just a couple of bits on top of each other which made me feel elbowed out, non consulted and and disregarded.

So I stamped my foot effectively and gave her a bit of a ticking off. i think her nose is out of joint but I'm minded to give that less heed than I would maybe have before.

I guess we'll see what happens now... I don't want to have destroyed anything, as I said in my previous post, I'd been quite proud of how we managed things between us. I suppose I realised where my limits were.

OP posts:
GinIronic · 27/09/2021 17:50

Stop being so nice to her. She has the hide of a rhino. Hit her hard every time she steps out of line.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 27/09/2021 17:53

For those who've commented on her not having children of her own, and taking over mine… I've never felt anything but compassion for that.

Partly because I understand how and why that might have happened for her (a long story…) and that ultimately an engaged and caring SM - even if a bit OTT sometimes - was ultimately a better deal for my DC than one who was disinterested.

And I guess acutely aware of how easily that could have been me, and how hard it must be to have always wanted kids and for that not to have happened.

It probably explains why I've taken the route I have to this point - which is to share as much as is reasonable, and be generous about things, and welcome her in. But I suppose in doing that I've also failed to set boundaries which may not have helped any of us - because my apparently sudden foot-stamp today will have come as an unpleasant shock.

I never, ever wanted to hurt her though, and feel that I probably have today. I just hope we can move beyond it to a better understanding of what works and what doesn't.

OP posts:
Mrstamborineman · 27/09/2021 17:55

The school should not discussing things with her without consent. She is not the parent.

ScumbagDave · 27/09/2021 17:56

Op I think you're being too passive.

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/09/2021 17:56

I am supposed she’s allowed at parents evening and even more surprised she’s allowed to be a class rep!

Who does that?

momtoboys · 27/09/2021 17:58

You have been incredibly flexible and accommodating and she is, as my elderly Aunt would say, a bold piece of cheese! No, really, I think she should reign it in. Do she and Ex have children together?

Peaseblossum22 · 27/09/2021 18:01

You are being very considerate OP but however much you don’t want to appear at war to the school you are potentially storing up
Problems by not reiterating to them who they are to correspond with and setting clear boundaries so that everyone knows where they stand . They are also potentially breaking the law here , you don’t need to go on the offensive you just need to remind them of their responsibilities.

Stovetopespresso · 27/09/2021 18:07

you didn't hurt her op. her feelings are hurt, it's great you recognise that but you didn't do it, sounds like it's all ending up OK ( this time). Courage!!

clara443 · 27/09/2021 18:11

I can appreciate you wanting not to confront the step mum. Unfortunately you would be ignoring your child's needs. Who's important here?

I'd make it very clear to her..she hasn't got any children and needs to back off!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2021 18:15

You never wanted to hurt her. Shame she didn’t think about you in all of her actions for she hasn’t even given a thought to the impact or hurt her constant portrayal of herself as the female parent (with the same name as your dcs) to the school has on you.

GinIronic is right is saying she has the hide of a rhino and you are being told over and over that you are being far too nice. The fact that she still has not apologised speaks volumes. She sees your reaction as out of order and her behaviour.

I really think this is your chance to say how you feel and set appropriate boundaries. Including explaining the impact of her involvement with the school is having on you - class rep and year rep for the sport is too much.

I’m also wondering if she is on the (probably just mums) WhatsApp groups, which parents form and if she socialises with them. As the mother, this is your role, not hers… and I suggest you do take the time to socialise with them from time to time. Are you on the year group WhatsApps with the parents for both of your dcs?

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2021 18:16

To add to my post, it is sad that she doesn’t have children of her own if she wanted them. But that is not your fault or responsibility. You don’t owe her your the right to share your children because of it.

ScumbagDave · 27/09/2021 18:20

I've lost track of how many times I've had to say this IRL and on here but;

You can feel compassion for someone without having an intimate relationship with them. You can feel sorry for her without having to pretend you're mates. You're not. She's your ex's partner, not your buddy. I have to say this so often to people who find out some cheeky fucker who has been riding roughshod over them for ages is having a tough time. Yes, that's sad. Unless this is a friend or family member, you do not owe them a fix for their problems. Even if they are a friend or family member you don't owe them this, but even less so a woman who you wouldn't have any sort of relationship with if it wasn't for the fact that she is with your ex. Civility is good, but beyond that, she's your ex's problem. You aren't dating her!

honeygriff · 27/09/2021 18:22

It's such a hard situation and I have experienced it from both sides. I think that as the main carer you should be in charge. I had a different situation where I was the only one engaged with the kids. My DP struggles due to a disability, his ex had much better things to do. I did once get a thankyou from her for taking DSS2 to a&e, she was in Marbella at the time. Now I look back I think I was the idiot I've done solid "kids" and she's had significantly more fun!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/09/2021 18:24

You are putting the school in a very difficult position. If a teacher acts on the word of someone without parental responsibility and any sort of problem occurs they would be held responsible. A teacher could be facing disciplinary action because they thought permission was given when it wasn't.

You need to calmly clarify the position with the school. It can be completely neutral and done in a week or two if you want, but send them a message clarifying who has parental responsibility and who can make decisions. If the SM consents to something, that is not valid consent, the school may be uninsured and teachers put a risk.

themidnighttrain · 27/09/2021 18:31

I've only read this thread, not the previous one, but is there any chance she's overstepping because your ex is under-stepping?

If she stopped doing everything she currently does for your kids and your ex didn't then pick up the slack, would you feel more annoyed, less annoyed or about the same?

She's clearly very involved, and I can see how it would feel upsetting if you thought she was trying to take over your role in your children's lives... but perhaps she's only trying to overcompensate for your ex's lack of role in their lives? Is he not particularly hands on?

JacquelineCarlyle · 27/09/2021 18:33

I remember your last thread Op - I understand why you've been the way you have but I honestly think you've been far too nice in all of this & need to reinforce your boundaries and continue to reinforce them.

You definitely should contact the school - no need for it to show you all in a bad light, but rather remind them who has parental responsibility and can give consent & that she is not one of them.

Stand firm - don't back down as she's only going one way and it's not in your favour.

JacquelineCarlyle · 27/09/2021 18:35

You need to read the last thread @themidnighttrain as whilst the SM is stepping up as the dad sounds a bit useless, she's definitely taking on much more of the mum role than anyone would be comfortable with (way more than just supporting her husband).

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 27/09/2021 18:36

@Mummyoflittledragon

You never wanted to hurt her. Shame she didn’t think about you in all of her actions for she hasn’t even given a thought to the impact or hurt her constant portrayal of herself as the female parent (with the same name as your dcs) to the school has on you.

GinIronic is right is saying she has the hide of a rhino and you are being told over and over that you are being far too nice. The fact that she still has not apologised speaks volumes. She sees your reaction as out of order and her behaviour.

I really think this is your chance to say how you feel and set appropriate boundaries. Including explaining the impact of her involvement with the school is having on you - class rep and year rep for the sport is too much.

I’m also wondering if she is on the (probably just mums) WhatsApp groups, which parents form and if she socialises with them. As the mother, this is your role, not hers… and I suggest you do take the time to socialise with them from time to time. Are you on the year group WhatsApps with the parents for both of your dcs?

I'm on the WhatsApp groups (yes, mostly mums - isn't it sad that that's still the way it is?) and so is she. I'm deliberately being more outgoing that I'm naturally inclined to be with DC2s group, and have socialised where the opportunity has arisen and plan to continue to.

With DC1s group she's all over it in her 'class rep' capacity - I don't think I realised how much of a thing this would be until it happened. Because my DC1 started this school just before Covid hit - there hasn't been much in the way of socialising with that lot.

I'm actually now thinking maybe I should actually organise something - and reclaim some territory that way. It's a pretty out of character thing for me to do, but as lots of people have said, by being to passive I am complicit in allowing this to happen. At least if I organise it I can do it on an evening when I don't have any childcare responsibilities, and become visible just by being the organiser.

Additionally it's probably pretty confusing for the other parents, as I do have a different surname from my DCs obviously - but I can't do much about that...

I suppose I'm thinking it's not just about insisting she steps back - it's combining that with me stating and claiming my own position. However uncomfortable I might find that naturally…

OP posts:
MintJulia · 27/09/2021 18:40

YANBU. She needs to go and get her own life instead of poking her nose where it isn't wanted.

My ex's woman tried to tell me that DS shouldn't have a covid vaccine. Where do these weirdy women get their ideas from?

ScumbagDave · 27/09/2021 18:44

Also, the issue with her being so involved is that her involvement with your DCs and the school are contingent on her staying with your ex. Second marriages are even more likely than first marriages to end in divorce. What happens then and how does that affect your DCs? Sometimes stepparents do stay in touch with former SC after divorce, but they don't stay class rep for them (FFS). When a mum divorces she stays involved with the DCs and the school. It is completely mad that the school are allowing this to happen and you do need to remind them they shouldn't be. Stop worrying what people think and look out for yourself and your DCs (tough love - not really like me, but honestly op, don't be a doormat. It really won't help anyone).

WetWeekends · 27/09/2021 19:02

I think it’s a good idea OP to arrange something to socialise with some of the parents. I would re think speaking to the school though, just to remind them that she doesn’t have PR. It doesn’t have to be a big deal or worded as if it’s a complaint, but I really think you should say something.

olivesnutsandcheeseplease · 27/09/2021 19:19

I bet the other parents talk about it and think it's a bit weird. I would definitely try to assert yourself a little bit more and make sure everyone knows you are the DM.

I say this as a SM who actually did do everything with the school but in our case the Mum was totally disinterested. She clearly oversteps although probably with good intentions. I'm pleased you've used your 'strong' voice and made a point. I bet half the issue is that your exh defers all domestic matters to her.