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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
WhereIsMumHiding3 · 28/09/2021 01:08

I meant to type
*there have corrected it for you. HTH

Anyway, must sleep as work tomorrow. I'm sure HKipper or minority other PPs will be back & forth arguing all night about the 'not normal people'... HmmConfused

TomPinch · 28/09/2021 01:09

I bet Prince Rupert of the Rhine didn't mind a bit of make up and moisturizer when he wasn't doing manly things like charging into battle at the head of his cavalry brigade.

Nancydrawn · 28/09/2021 02:10

The performative masculinity some people seem to need in order to feel secure that their partner of over a decade is straight is...a bit depressing.

What if he wears nail polish on one finger but also starts calling women 'birds' and slapping you on your arse? Would that balance to the point that you are all comfortable?

OP, if there are other things going on in your marriage, then you're well within your rights to be unhappy.

But on the face of it, a single varnished nail? Such a non issue that this extreme reaction seems more a sign of something wrong with you, not him.

MirandaBlu · 28/09/2021 03:00

When I lived in the US, my male colleagues got professional manicures - short nails, clear or slightly tinted polish, tiny bit of whitened tip. This was in a conservative office and mainly the higher-ups and ambitious juniors. Even several years ago, there were nail polish lines marketed to men: naturals plus greys, browns, greens, dark jewel tones, and flat metallics. It was framed as masculine - like this from UK-based Bug for Men. And this from Esquire, a pretty conservative US mag aimed at professional men.

I've seen a lot online lately re nail polish for men including more unusual colours and looks - maybe because of many people working from home and not having to worry about being work-appropriate. So even though it's not at all the norm in your "real life" circles or in the UK mainstream, it may come across to him as a normal thing to try.

There's also a lot online about reinforcing intentions and manifesting goals, along the lines of your husband's creativity reminder. Hands are a good place to put something to catch your eye and frequently remind you of what you're supposed to be thinking about, so nail polish is great because you can change it frequently and also make associations with colours or even names.

Anyway, there could be many reasons he's into the nail polish idea. If you didn't believe him when he told you about the reminder to "be creative" and continued to ask him why, then possibly he's not talking because he thinks you'll doubt or even ridicule him. Or maybe he thinks you're nagging and ignores it to make you stop. I'd try broaching the subject again in an open and non-accusing way, making it clear you're willing to listen no matter what he says. Seems the best hope for getting at the truth.

steff13 · 28/09/2021 03:44

When I lived in the US, my male colleagues got professional manicures - short nails, clear or slightly tinted polish, tiny bit of whitened tip. This was in a conservative office and mainly the higher-ups and ambitious juniors.

I'm in the US and there are always men at the salon getting their nails done when I'm there. A lot of salesmen, attorneys, executives, etc., get their nails done because people notice their hands.

I wouldn't care if my husband started wearing nail polish. I would care if he was homosexual or transgendered, because that's not what I wantfor my relationship.

ohfook · 28/09/2021 04:28

Yanbu to hate it. You can't help how you feel. I dislike a couple of my husband's tattoos, so I know how you feel.

I think you were unreasonable to stop him from doing it though. We don't really get to tell people what to do with their bodies.

MeanWeedratStew · 28/09/2021 04:46

Well, OP, I hope that your personal aesthetic fits within your DH's idea of what "feminine" looks like. Fair's fair.

Or is it only you who gets to be controlling?

I think your husband should be the one "rethinking the relationship". You're worried a bit of nail varnish might mean he's gay? Well, a bit of gender-based bigotry might mean that you're ignorant and narrow-minded. Now THAT is embarrassing and unappealing!

3scape · 28/09/2021 06:24

Utterly ridiculously entitled to think that your narrow minded embarrassment should change your husband's decision to wear anything. Your controlling nature must be a fucking nightmare to live with.

faithfulbird20 · 28/09/2021 06:35

Finding it hilarious people using the word homophobic. It's like me calling a white man racist because he's married to a white woman.

faithfulbird20 · 28/09/2021 06:37

Op please ignore the shitty replies. Judging by the world we live in I'd feel scared too and have concerns. Look at caitlyn Jenner/Bruce Jenner...she/he lied to Kris Jenner...but nobody acknowledged how wrong it was besides her own daughters...people can be whatever they want to be but if you're in a relationship have the decency and respect to let the other know...

GoldFrankensteinAndGrrr · 28/09/2021 06:46

I smell bullshit here. I have a lot of female friends and not one has ever mentioned or ever have I seen a single one of their partners/husbands or teen sons wear nail varnish.

Funnily enough very few of the men I know (single or married) don't wear nail varnish. And when DD was at school, none of her male friends didn't, either. People are all sorts of different, who'd have thought it. We're all in our late 30s/40s by the way, and DH has a very respectable job. Just to mess with the stereotypes on this thread even further.

I see the OP's point inasmuch as it might be jarring coming out of the blue, but some of the replies here are just bonkers. No, it doesn't follow that he's gay/trans (why would him being gay make him more likely to wear nail polish, incidentally? The ignorance here is startling).

OP is, of course, perfectly free to find whatever she likes attractive or unattractive, or to end her relationship as she sees fit. But to do so over some nail polish? Unless there's other factors at play, that's ridiculous. It's nail polish, ffs. And yes, telling someone they can't wear what they want, regardless of cultural norms, is controlling.

GoldFrankensteinAndGrrr · 28/09/2021 06:49

Normal, British dads in their thirties do not wear nail varnish

I can't wait to tell my DH he's abnormal! I'll have to tell most of the men I know, too.

You surely can't be serious, @HermioneKipper?!

ConstanceGracy · 28/09/2021 06:56

@GoldFrankensteinAndGrrr

Normal, British dads in their thirties do not wear nail varnish

I can't wait to tell my DH he's abnormal! I'll have to tell most of the men I know, too.

You surely can't be serious, @HermioneKipper?!

I know absolutely zero men that wear nail varnish , so yes. Tell him
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 28/09/2021 07:12

Gold I think your DH is the outlier tbh. Go into any town in the UK and you'll be hard put to find any middle aged man wearing nail polish.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 28/09/2021 07:19

The flip side of this is that lots of people are telling the OP that she's being controlling/narrow minded, but the OP never made any secret about what was acceptable to her - she hasn't changed and perhaps it's controlling/narrow minded to expect her to accept changes to standards she personally feels are wrong, just because other people say she should?
There's no right or wrong here re nail varnish, only what each individual is comfortable with in their own relationship!

The most important thing here is that OP has doubts about whether her husband has been honest with her about his sexuality/identity.

always2tired · 28/09/2021 07:20

I have been to university, I work in the city of London, I have travelled the world, I have lived abroad for 5 years and speak two languages. I do not live in “a little world” and am really not ignorant.

I know a lot of people, see dads at the school gate, on my commute, in the office and socially. Normal, British dads in their thirties do not wear nail varnish. It’s just a fact.

I’m astounded people are pretending otherwise.

💯 agree with this.

Rainbowheart1 · 28/09/2021 07:35

I agree with you op. Of course it’s ok for him to wear nail varnish but it’s also ok for you not to like it. It would be a huge turnoff for me personally.

I imagine there is more too it and you should trust your instincts.

GoldFrankensteinAndGrrr · 28/09/2021 07:56

I know absolutely zero men that wear nail varnish , so yes.
Tell him

So because you don't know men who wear nail polish, all men who do are 'abnormal'?

Imagine calling people abnormal because of what they choose to wear. What else makes people abnormal in your view, I wonder?

Ralph871 · 28/09/2021 07:57

@scarpa

No it means that I believe if you have a penis you are a boy and if you have a vagina you are a girl and that's what I am raising my children to believe.

If you like your husband with gel acrylics then by all means crack on but let's not pretend that the average heterosexual male in his late thirties is the same.

I am fucking sick to death of all this gender blurring woke nonsense. It's one thing to let your 4 year old boy wear a Disney princess costume to the park and think you are a super trendy person who doesn't "believe in conforming to gender norms" (I don't agree with it and wouldn't do it but what evs) but it's quite another to tell a woman that she is being unreasonable or even bigoted when her husband starts painting his nails at 38 after 14 years of marriage.

I swear half the people on this thread are on crack.

GoldFrankensteinAndGrrr · 28/09/2021 08:01

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Gold I think your DH is the outlier tbh. Go into any town in the UK and you'll be hard put to find any middle aged man wearing nail polish.
Depends on what sort of music they listen to, what sort of clothes they wear and so on. DH is a musician (when he's not at work!), as are lots of people we know. Many of the bands we like (and no, we're not Marilyn Manson type goths) wear makeup.

Thankfully, society isn't one size fits all. How dull that would be.

GoldFrankensteinAndGrrr · 28/09/2021 08:02

DH also has 2cm long acrylic nails on his right hand for playing guitar.

I suppose people here believe acrylic nails on male guitarists are 'effeminate', too!

MeanWeedratStew · 28/09/2021 08:07

This puts me in mind of men losing their shit in the early 20th century because women started cutting their hair short. That sort of attitude was ridiculous then and it's ridiculous now.

Fine if you're not attracted to men in nail varnish, but some of you are carrying on as if it's morally wrong for men to do this. FML.

JayDot500 · 28/09/2021 08:08

@GoldFrankensteinAndGrrr

DH also has 2cm long acrylic nails on his right hand for playing guitar.

I suppose people here believe acrylic nails on male guitarists are 'effeminate', too!

This is not even the same. Your husband has a purpose for it and it's as clear as day for you to see and never question.

OP's husband says it's so he can remember to be creative, which is fine but to her it's not as clear to see and he is being evasive when she does ask him about his sexually. In her circles people will start asking questions, so it'd even be better for him to be straight with her.

Obviously no one here watches the Kardashians Grin. It was one earring that started the whole journey.

GoldFrankensteinAndGrrr · 28/09/2021 08:10

Fine if you're not attracted to men in nail varnish, but some of you are carrying on as if it's morally wrong for men to do this. FML

And abnormal, don't forget.

Utter madness.

Ralph871 · 28/09/2021 08:15

@GoldFrankensteinAndGrrr

DH also has 2cm long acrylic nails on his right hand for playing guitar.

I suppose people here believe acrylic nails on male guitarists are 'effeminate', too!

You are missing the point entirely!

OP's husband is not a musician and has never worn nail varnish in all the time she has been with him!

@scarpa Should also add that I just asked my sandalwood wearing husband if he had ever came across a man that wears nail varnish and he looked at me like I had two heads.

We have lived in three different countries and know people from all walks of life but we must be very sheltered if this thread is anything to go by.