To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

[nailvarnishhubby]

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

Well, it's not 'the norm' is it, since most men don't do it. Fine if you like it but OP is equally fine not to. Particularly since it wasn't what she signed up to.
Yes, in theory people can wear/do what they like but usually in a marriage a person wants to be attractive to their partner.
I think most people would have concerns if their spouse suddenly started doing things that the majority associate with the opposite sex.

@YourFinestPantaloons

I absolutely don't believe anyone 'wishes' their husband would wear make up.

I wouldn't like it either, it smacks a bit of attention seeking

I would LOVE it if DH would whack on a bit of eyeliner. He would look amazing. My first proper 'crush' was Adam Ant, swiftly followed by Dave Vanian, I love a man in makeup. I think it's very sexy.

I don't think it's 'attention seeking' at all and even if it is why is that automatically a bad thing? Why is it better to conform and not draw attention to yourself? There are different types of 'attention' it's not always negative. When I had pink hair for example, I got a lot of attention from little kids, they loved it. It was nice. Personally when I have received negative attention based on my appearance I found it said a heck of a lot more about the person dishing it out than me.

I do, just to reiterate, understand where OP is coming from, I would definitely raise an eyebrow if DH cut of all his hair for example, he's had super long hair the whole time we've been together (17 years) and if he suddenly ditched the band t shirts and donned a nice shirt and cut his hair I'd wonder what was going on. OP has also told us that this is about a lot more than nail polish, that this is the latest in a long line of things that make her wonder if her DH is hiding something and my advice to her is the same, she needs to have a sensible, calm discussion with him, find out what's going on and decide if it's a deal breaker for her or not.

@3scape

Utterly ridiculously entitled to think that your narrow minded embarrassment should change your husband's decision to wear anything. Your controlling nature must be a fucking nightmare to live with.

So you're ok with your husband getting red toenails?

I don't get these kind of comments. You might not have an issue with it, but she does. It's her husband who she wants be attracted to not some random on the street.

And it's not controlling or anything to not like it, most women wouldn't including those on this thread who think they're so enlightened. You wouldn't want your hubby getting a full set at the salon.

All behaviour is communication. It's that simple.

The question is to try to understand what he's saying.

When people adopt new behaviour, especially after a decade and a half of marriage, you just have to listen a bit and find out what's going on .

Could be as simple as he's always fancied a more flamboyant look, associated nail polish with being young (teen age/twenties it's not unusual for men, it is over about 35 I would say), or it's part of other behaviour about gender that you need to listen to.

Usually people know when something has shifted or changed in their relationship and that's why I think you are reacting so strongly to this.

Should also add that I just asked my sandalwood wearing husband if he had ever came across a man that wears nail varnish and he looked at me like I had two heads.

We have lived in three different countries and know people from all walks of life but we must be very sheltered if this thread is anything to go by.

You probably have a sheltered life. In my younger days of the new romantics etc boys seemed to wear more makeup than girls. There are groups around where its the norm even now.

It may simply be that OP's husband is concerned about becoming a boring old fart and trying to be youthful. Sometimes though we just have to accept that age catches up to us all, we don't however have to give in gracefully.

@BigFatLiar

Clearly.

Although if being sheltered is being happy that my husband doesn't where magenta polish and wax his fanny then I'll stick with that thanks.

Let's leave the new romantics in the 80s where they belong.

[quote Ralph871]@BigFatLiar

Clearly.

Although if being sheltered is being happy that my husband doesn't where magenta polish and wax his fanny then I'll stick with that thanks.

Let's leave the new romantics in the 80s where they belong. [/quote]
The OP's husband has worn nude nail polish on ONE finger ffs not got a whole manicure. The clearly middle aged women on this thread are being more than dramatic about shit that does not matter. Your lives sound dull

*Wear not where

Ridiculous thread. Men who wear nail polish are no more likely to be gay or trans than women who shave their heads or wear more masculine type clothes. It's leap at best, and shows how little you know about the LGBTQ+ community.

@KurtWilde I'm bi, and LGBT people are more likely to be gender non-conforming in their style than straight people are. I'm not particularly myself, but it is a thing.

Just to be clear I have no problems with men wearing nail varnish if they want to. Have at it.

My point is that it’s not the norm for middle aged married men to wear it. It just isn’t. And if the OP doesn’t like it it’s fair enough surely

And it's not controlling or anything to not like it, most women wouldn't including those on this thread who think they're so enlightened. You wouldn't want your hubby getting a full set at the salon
It is controlling not to ‘allow’ him to wear it.

DS wears varnish. So what?
Ex DP used to for nail strengthening for guitar play. Full set, didn’t bother this 63 year old one iota.

Personally I think this goes deeper than nail varnish and OP has been wondering whether 'DH will come out the closet after 20 years'. Personally I think maybe this isn't that out of the blue.

@nailvarnishhubby

Really would love to hear from anyone who is from a cultural which isn't always politically correct and down with the times.

Translation: please support me in my bigotry and tell me it's everyone else that's wrong. Your children, will be getting some very poisonous messages. I just hope they have the strength and sense to see through them.

@StellaCinnamon

Normal, British dads in their thirties do not wear nail varnish. It’s just a fact

Absolutely.

To you and to @Hermoinekeeper

I know a few normal, British dads who're in their thirties who don't generally wear loud nail polish but would maybe get a manicure, use clear etc nail polish etc, but they're in the music, PR etc business. One normal, professional, successful dad I know is now in his 40s, but a Goth, pretty normal - but he wears nail polish.

It's ridiculous here some of the stereotypes and assumptions made about what men in this country or others can or cannot wear without feeling ashamed.

A few years ago I had a close platonic male friend who was very outwardly confident (I dated him for a few months too) who was very fashion conscious, he asked me to buy him some special Origins eye cream (he paid me for it), as he was worried about buying it himself. This same man also said he put lotion on his skin (he's black) after football but got funny looks/comments off the other players about it being feminine. A boyfriend of mine at the same time liked some blue lotion from Kiehls, again, he preferred me to buy it for him, as he was worried about looks from shop staff or other customers if he bought it.

It's a bit easier now, because makeup/skincare is more accessible and easy to buy online and it's more acceptable to buy it as a man instore too.

In fact, I recall a few years after the 2 men I knew who were nervous about buying skincare, one of my close friend's boyfriend's who I knew well and stayed in their house sometimes, he bought lots of male skincare (L'Oreal Men Expert) - but he was Italian - I think it's generally more acceptable e.g. on continent, to look after your looks as a man and not frowned upon so much.

Anyway - no wonder so many men in this country have skewed perceptions of their own and other men's masculinity/skincare etc routines when they get this backlash for daring to wear some nail polish!

@HermioneKipper

Just to be clear I have no problems with men wearing nail varnish if they want to. Have at it.

My point is that it’s not the norm for middle aged married men to wear it. It just isn’t. And if the OP doesn’t like it it’s fair enough surely

Loads of men in the 80's/90's etc wore makeup.

Green Gartside, Boy George and loads of other pop/rock/goth stars (which led to my teenage male friends copying them) wore 'guy-liner' and other makeup. My brother who's the most masculine man I know wore makeup sometimes but quite subtle.

Quite a few middle aged men wear makeup now or would do if there wasn't such a general stigma around it.

OP have NRFT but have read your posts. Can you and your DH go out by yourself (get a babysitter) and go and talk properly about this? I think you are upset because you think this tiny act is signalling something bigger and you need to explore this calmly away from the family home.

FWIW I would be a bit perturbed if DH suddenly decided to paint a nail/ nails - it's not something he's ever done, but I would be able to ask him about it.

And for those saying you are being stupid, I would say gender identity isn't always straightforward and isn't necessarily linear ...

@freudien

Personally I think this goes deeper than nail varnish and OP has been wondering whether 'DH will come out the closet after 20 years'. Personally I think maybe this isn't that out of the blue.

Why is OP pussyfooting around and kind of drip feeding snippets of her relationship concerns re her DH then?

After 25 pages we still don't really know how she's concerned about her DH wearing nail polish - there are some clues that there are other issues, but she hasn't really answered the questions here (seems to have avoided a few), and I bet she'll request this thread to be deleted due to 'issues'.

Op don’t listen to the hysteric posters here and certainly don’t take it personally, that’s just Mumsnet for you, they know 99 men who don’t wear nail varnish and one that does, but still can’t get it into their heads that whilst some do, most dont.

They are all just jumping on the woke bandwagon because they are incapable of thinking for themselves.

Of course some men wear nail varnish, just like some women have penises, but it’s not the majority, so is not considered “the norm”.

If you don’t like it, that’s fine. He can decide nail varnish is not worth the cost of his wife and children (if you have any) or decide that it is. That’s what we all do in marriages, compromise and make decisions. Problem is now a days everyone wants everything with no compromise at all because they are all selfish and hide behind batshit crazy ideologies.

Mumsnet is amongst the worst for it, but also why it is so entertaining and a lot of people come to it.

The clearly middle aged women on this thread are being more than dramatic about shit that does not matter. Your lives sound dull

Ahh yes, middle aged and dull - the ultimate misogynistic insult for women who dare to have opinions and preferences

They are all just jumping on the woke bandwagon because they are incapable of thinking for themselves.

Of course some men wear nail varnish, just like some women have penises, but it’s not the majority, so is not considered “the norm”.

Not giving a second thought to male partner wearing a bit of nail polish (or even finding it attractive, as many women do) is in no way the same as believing women have penises. The two aren't even slightly comparable. There's nothing woke about men wearing a bit of makeup. You only have to consider Donald Trump to know this.

Also, 'woke bandwagon'

This site is littered with posts about how a husbands behaviour has changed, am I right to be worried - general consensus is yes.

But somehow when it comes to nail polish or make up on a man, even if he’s literally never worn it before in his life, it’s fine?

I don’t believe for one second that 99% of women on this thread who say they wouldn’t have a problem actually wouldn’t. There is a huge difference from something being a pattern of behaviour or it being normal for some guys to it being an out of the blue change.

And it doesn’t necessarily make the OP homophobic, transphobic, bigoted, a dictator about his choices - and it doesn’t make him the poor downtrodden husband who just wants to express himself. Sure she might be those things - but she is allowed to have an opinion on her husband’s appearance. Everyone has an opinion on their significant other’s appearance, don’t pretend you don’t

The OP is entirely within her rights to find whatever she likes unattractive, or to end her relationship for whatever reason she sees fit. But to end a marriage over a bit of nail polish seems a bit much, unless there's other factors at play too.

It's more the responses that I find nuts. Calling people abnormal for their sartorial choices, questioning their sexuality, suggesting they're trans, saying women who have no issue with their partner wearing nail polish must be lying.

Society has regressed recently and swiftly in terms of gender stereotypes and labels. It's such a shame.

How dare you sound rational bobsyer, this is Mumsnet don’t you know!

So basically you're not interested in the advice of good MN folk on AIBU, you're just looking for people who support your reasoning? There's a different forum for that love, and it isn't this one. Get a grip