To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

[nailvarnishhubby]

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

I’ve seen my son in law with nail varnish - but that was because Gdd 4 wanted to do everyone’s nails with her children’s set.

I don’t think the OP is being U at all, but it’s bound to depend to some extent on your dh/dp. My dh is of the very trad male variety*, so I’d wonder what on earth was going on if he suddenly asked to borrow my NV. And no, I wouldn’t like it at all.
*And by that I don’t mean misogynist, controlling, or anything else that’d have MNers foaming at the mouth.

Abnormal doesn’t mean wrong.

But I refuse to accept that 35 year old dads wearing nail varnish is the norm. It simply is not.

@Glitttter

So basically you're not interested in the advice of good MN folk on AIBU, you're just looking for people who support your reasoning? There's a different forum for that love, and it isn't this one. Get a grip

What advice are you offering?

Because it seems like all you’ve got to say is that OP is a nasty wife and it’s fine for her husband to radically change his outward appearance and she’s obliged to find it attractive lest she wants to be branded a bigot.

@StellaCinnamon

Abnormal doesn’t mean wrong.

But I refuse to accept that 35 year old dads wearing nail varnish is the norm. It simply is not.

The OP notwithstanding, that depends on your social circle. In mine, it absolutely is the norm.

Everyone is different - don't just assume that your experience is the same as everyone else's.

Yanbu. Your husband is doing something you find extremely unsexy. You’ve warned him that it repulses you. What he does with that information is up to him but you were right to tell him.

(Personally I think nail varnish looks ridiculous and fake and unsexy on anyone, male or female 🤷‍♀️)

At the end of the day, its just a bit if nail polish. I wouldn't give a shit if my partner wore it. I'm single now, but I can't see me being phased by it in any of my past relationships and if a future partner wore it, again I wouldn't care. I'd be more jealous that his nails would look better than mine cos my hands are battered with work.

Wouldn't cross my mind to assume someone is gay/trans/whatever for wearing it. I'd be wondering why I thought that if I did.

I'd be weireded out if my OH decided to do this, unless it was a sort of a drunken joke.

I do think that if this was a man posting saying something along the lines of "my wife has always shaved her armpits but recently she has stopped. It is embarrassing and I'm wondering if she is secretly gay" the responses would be the wife can wear her hair how she likes you sexist pig!

@faithfulbird20

Finding it hilarious people using the word homophobic. It's like me calling a white man racist because he's married to a white woman.

Not even comparable. Not even remotely in the same ball park.

No but I think makeup is pointless and don't get why anyone would want to wear it.

This thread is so weird.
I think a lot of posters here are being completely disingenuous and 'right-on' about this.

OP, part of my background/culture isn't 'PC and down with the times'. I understand your discomfort and suspicion, given some of the details in your posts: This has come out of the blues, this isn't who he normally is, your backgrounds and what some things signify, etc.
It isn't really about nail polish but what you sense - nail polish is just one of the signs.

Like some other posters have said, you may need to have a conversation with him, although if you go in all judgey and there is something to say, then I doubt he'd say anything to you. As another pp said, if he is what you suspect, then there's nothing you can do about it. You can either find a way to work with it or leave. If anything, he needs to be free to be who he is IF that's the case.

If he insists it's just the nail polish, then there's no need to push it because you have no proof of anything else. You'll need to find a way to be okay with it because it IS his body and his choice.

@GoldFrankensteinAndGrrr

I completely appreciate and believe you are if you say that in your circles, it's the norm for men to wear nail polish.

That doesn't mean that people have very small minded / sheltered existences if they don't have the same experience.

I have a lovely variety of friends (mostly in their 30s) including many in the music and fashion industry professionally and numbers wise it certainly isn't the average / isn't that common for men to wear nail varnish in their 30s.

It's disingenuous of people to say that because in their circle of friends / acquaintances something is true, it makes it common in general. That isn't how averages and statistics work.

If you took a cross section of the entire population it isn't going to be the average / very common for men to wear nail varnish. There's no need to attach judgment to me saying that as I have none.

It is acceptable for anyone to do, of course, I'm jusy saying it's disingenuous to say (and incorrect to believe) that men wearing nail varnish is the norm in general as it's not.

Just as it's not 'the norm' for women to have arm pit hair. Some of my friends do, I do if I want to, I shave if I want to, I attach no judgement to either decision. In my group of friends because we are generally liberal and not particularly fussed about gender norms, the % of women who don't shave is going to be higher than in general. That doesn't mean I'm judgemental or small minded to acknowledge that in general, most women in their 30s for example remove the hair from their armpits. It's just a fact 🤷🏻‍♀️

Im in my thirties and I dont remove the hair from my armpits and I don’t give a fuck wether that’s normal or not the ops homophobic bullshit can fuck off

Love your husband as he is or leave but don’t tell him what he can and can’t do with his body in order to be acceptable to you.
That gross and controlling

You don’t have to like it but people are free to wear what they like and suspecting he might be gay because he enjoys nail varnish is homophobic bullshit. I’m sorry over this rhetoric.

Some men just like to dress up too… it’s fun

I love that my 100% straight male partner likes to dress up with and for me.
I love that my 100% gay female partner doesn’t give a fuck how she looks, I love her hairy legs and hairy top lip and I hope she never caves to society’s bullshit expectations about how she should look because living yourself as you are is hot as fuck

It's not about being "right on" or "down with the times". It's about recognising ingrained sexism that makes up our culture.

You can't explain why it makes you uncomfortable because what you think of as "masculine" has been ingrained in you by our culture.

It is this same culture which has given us toxic masculinity and patriarchy.

You can feel uncomfortable about your DH experimenting with expressing himself in a different way to which we've all been conditioned. But that same conditioning is also responsible for women taking on most of the load at home, compromising their careers for childcare and generally being f*ed by the patriarchy. So maybe breaking free from what we think of as "masculine" and feminine" is a brilliant thing. Go your DH!

Yanbu to find it unattractive...we cannot gelp what turns us on.

Yabvu and controlling to dictate to him what he can do...he's not going to catch the gay you know( sorry that's not meant to be homophpbic).

Help*

I know plenty of straight men who wear nail polish, go look at rock bands

It's not homophobic to think that a man who suddenly starts to behave in a way our society associates more with females, might be hiding who he is. It's also not homophobic to not want to be married to a gay man if you are a straight woman. To be used as a means of hiding his sexuality.

It's only homophobia if you think there's something wrong with being gay, in general.

@Totallyanonymousplease

It's not about being "right on" or "down with the times". It's about recognising ingrained sexism that makes up our culture.

You can't explain why it makes you uncomfortable because what you think of as "masculine" has been ingrained in you by our culture.

It is this same culture which has given us toxic masculinity and patriarchy.

You can feel uncomfortable about your DH experimenting with expressing himself in a different way to which we've all been conditioned. But that same conditioning is also responsible for women taking on most of the load at home, compromising their careers for childcare and generally being f*ed by the patriarchy. So maybe breaking free from what we think of as "masculine" and feminine" is a brilliant thing. Go your DH!

So OP should just ignore her discomfort as long as her husband is happy? This is the same bullshit as “be kind” that women are told all-the-time.

I agree MrsHunt

I think OP's discomfort comes from not knowing if this is as a result of something deeper BECAUSE it isn't usual for her husband. I think she will - and has to - find a way to get over it if it's just that he's taken to a bit of nail polish (or make up or anything else) and nothing else is going on. It doesn't mean any of it is wrong - it isn't. I think OP has the right to know which it is.

Honestly I would feel exactly the same as the OP. On a completely serious note my friends husband began wearing nail varnish out of the blue. Then got both of his ears pierced, then began to wear more feminine clothes and is now identifying as a female and is seeking surgery. She is absolutely devastated after being married for 30 years. Obviously the OP is worried about this being indicative of how her DH is feeling and if he is hiding something from her.

@MorganKitten

I know plenty of straight men who wear nail polish, go look at rock bands

What's rock bands got to do with OP husband? 🙄

So OP should just ignore her discomfort as long as her husband is happy?

I think this statement cuts both ways. It's not a one way street. And if a bit of nail polish brings about 'discomfort' that probably needs looking into as it's not a healthy way to be. OP may not like it but she doesn't get to decide what he wears, only whether she wants to continue being with him. Don't conflate it with Be Kind. Just straw-clutching.

Because it seems like all you’ve got to say is that OP is a nasty wife and it’s fine for her husband to radically change his outward appearance and she’s obliged to find it attractive lest she wants to be branded a bigot.

1. It's not a radical change: he has put a tiny bit of paint on one fingernail.

1. No one said she had to find it attractive! My husband has a jumper I cannot stand. It's objectively fine but for some reason I hate it; it's too mustard for me. I do not find it attractive, and I find him less attractive in it. But I'd never, ever ban him from wearing it because I didn't like it. The OP is well within her rights to find a painted pinky nail unattractive.

But 'humiliating in public'? Yelling at him? Considering ending things with him? That's a huge overreaction. Now, again, if there's something deeper going on, then that's one thing. But from a pinky nail? Very strange.

On more general notes:

1. Normal isn't a neutral word and it's disingenuous to imply otherwise. Yes, it can mean typical, but it also has a value judgment attached. Calling someone abnormal is not only rude, it also smacks of abuse that gay people received for generations (and women who pushed back against gender norms, for the record)--that they were 'abnormal'. It's a loaded word, and I think that's what's raising hackles. Atypical or 'less common' have fewer connotations. Unless you really mean the connotations to be there, which I suspect some might.

1. Honestly, if my husband started painting his pinky nail with a sharpie to remind himself to 'be creative', I'd think he watched one too many TED talks on YouTube and was being a bit of a prat. I would roll my eyes, not yell at him.

Finally, OP, you're absolutely within your rights to find anything unattractive. You're also within your rights to end your marriage for any reason, or for no reason at all. But if this is really it: if one pinky nail is really causing you to want to leave, if a bit of paint on fingernails is making you panicked and humiliated and thinking about divorce, then I suspect (and I really hope) there's something else going on. If there is, of course you're reasonable. (And frankly, you can want to leave without it being reasonable--you get to just want to go.)

But on the face of it, reconsidering your 14-year-old relationship with the father of your child over a some varnish on a pinky nail is not, on the whole, reasonable.

@ghyesc

Honestly I would feel exactly the same as the OP. On a completely serious note my friends husband began wearing nail varnish out of the blue. Then got both of his ears pierced, then began to wear more feminine clothes and is now identifying as a female and is seeking surgery. She is absolutely devastated after being married for 30 years. Obviously the OP is worried about this being indicative of how her DH is feeling and if he is hiding something from her.

Then I think it needs delicate discussion between OP and her husband to find out what is behind it all, not jumps to conclusions. It could be a one-off, a phase, self-expression, or something bigger, but strangers on a forum won't know.