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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
Blindleadingtheblind · 28/09/2021 13:39

@Nancydrawn

Because it seems like all you’ve got to say is that OP is a nasty wife and it’s fine for her husband to radically change his outward appearance and she’s obliged to find it attractive lest she wants to be branded a bigot.
  1. It's not a radical change: he has put a tiny bit of paint on one fingernail.
  1. No one said she had to find it attractive! My husband has a jumper I cannot stand. It's objectively fine but for some reason I hate it; it's too mustard for me. I do not find it attractive, and I find him less attractive in it. But I'd never, ever ban him from wearing it because I didn't like it. The OP is well within her rights to find a painted pinky nail unattractive.

But 'humiliating in public'? Yelling at him? Considering ending things with him? That's a huge overreaction. Now, again, if there's something deeper going on, then that's one thing. But from a pinky nail? Very strange.

On more general notes:

  1. Normal isn't a neutral word and it's disingenuous to imply otherwise. Yes, it can mean typical, but it also has a value judgment attached. Calling someone abnormal is not only rude, it also smacks of abuse that gay people received for generations (and women who pushed back against gender norms, for the record)--that they were 'abnormal'. It's a loaded word, and I think that's what's raising hackles. Atypical or 'less common' have fewer connotations. Unless you really mean the connotations to be there, which I suspect some might.
  1. Honestly, if my husband started painting his pinky nail with a sharpie to remind himself to 'be creative', I'd think he watched one too many TED talks on YouTube and was being a bit of a prat. I would roll my eyes, not yell at him.

Finally, OP, you're absolutely within your rights to find anything unattractive. You're also within your rights to end your marriage for any reason, or for no reason at all. But if this is really it: if one pinky nail is really causing you to want to leave, if a bit of paint on fingernails is making you panicked and humiliated and thinking about divorce, then I suspect (and I really hope) there's something else going on. If there is, of course you're reasonable. (And frankly, you can want to leave without it being reasonable--you get to just want to go.)

But on the face of it, reconsidering your 14-year-old relationship with the father of your child over a some varnish on a pinky nail is not, on the whole, reasonable.

A measured response at last!
rookiemere · 28/09/2021 13:42

But a DH wearing an unattractive jumper is not going to draw attention from others in the way painted nails will.

Blindleadingtheblind · 28/09/2021 13:48

@rookiemere

But a DH wearing an unattractive jumper is not going to draw attention from others in the way painted nails will.
Depends how bad the jumper is Wink
Brefugee · 28/09/2021 13:52

The clearly middle aged women on this thread are being more than dramatic about shit that does not matter. Your lives sound dull

Oh dear. If they're middle aged now they were around at the time of punks, new romantics and emo goths in their teens & 20s. A fair few of my boyfriends wore nail varnish & eyeliner. We were in awe of David Sylvia's make up skills.

It really doesn't bother most of us at all!

Tistheseason17 · 28/09/2021 13:53

I would struggle to find my DH attractive if he wore argyll knits every day and a woolly hat.

I met a fit stonemason, work overalls, hair in ponytail - gorgeous. He turned up for date with long hair shiny and clean loose, swishing across his face. Nope - total turn off.

Not my cup of tea.

HerrenaHarridan · 28/09/2021 13:56

So if ops DH felt uncomfortable with her having short hair in case people thought she was a lesbian would you be arguing that she should do what she wants with her hair and he can manage his discomfort (and homophobia… because it fucking well is by the way)

Or would you se saying she should have to manage her long hair to prevent her dh feeling uncomfortable

Why do people feel like they get to make these decisions about other peoples bodies?

Marriage doesn’t mean you own someone or that they owe you looking a certain way

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 28/09/2021 14:10

Short hair on women doesn't carry the same messaging that painted nails on men does outside of music/art circles. You can argue the rights and wrongs of it, but that doesn't change how the people in the OP's life will read it if her DH suddenly starts wearing nail polish. This has brought to the fore something that was already niggling at the back of her mind.

Of course he retains the right to do it, but in most relationships people tend to take their partner's opinion into account. I would avoid doing something style wise that o knew my husband found to be really unattractive. It doesn't matter if other people would quite like it, since I'm not married to them!

Nancydrawn · 28/09/2021 14:19

@rookiemere

But a DH wearing an unattractive jumper is not going to draw attention from others in the way painted nails will.
You haven't seen the jumper.

I kid. It's not that bad. But I hate it. That said, I think it's more likely people would notice a jumper than a pinky nail.

As for short hair not being the same: maybe it isn't now. But it certainly used to be. It's just that we've adjusted to the point where women can wear short hair if they want to.

Finally, sorry for the giant cross outs. Works fine on my computer but the app is very sensitive and I am overly fond of a dash.

naynayisay · 28/09/2021 14:22

You're being ridiculous. Your husband is a grown man. It's not effeminate of him to want to wear nail varnish.

LaetitiaASD · 28/09/2021 14:34

@nailvarnishhubby

Really would love to hear from anyone who is from a cultural which isn't always politically correct and down with the times.
I am a extremist terrorist from one of the worlds major religions and I believe that your husband should be buried alive for his major transgression YANBU,
Blindleadingtheblind · 28/09/2021 14:45

Men used to wear make up to signify wealth and status (Ancient Egyptians). Society changes and evolves over time. Doesn't mean it can't change again. Just because it's not the societal norm now, doesn't mean it never will be. It's hardly groundbreaking though, its nail polish not a tattooed cock.

phoenixrosehere · 28/09/2021 15:28

Because painting his face with make up is a game. Him choosing to paint his nails is not a game. It’s not the same thing. It’s not the same context.

Nail… not nails.. Painting one single nail.. one that people would only notice if they are paying attention to his hands. And painting a fingernail could be a game too… it’s still using something that is supposedly feminine on a man.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 28/09/2021 15:31

I am a extremist terrorist from one of the worlds major religions and I believe that your husband should be buried alive for his major transgression YANBU

Erm okay I didn't mean that Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 28/09/2021 15:36

Trying to read all the replies. Slightly overwhelmed.

Just want to say thanks again to those who've offered guidance.

For those wondering, he hasn't mentioned it again and nor have I.

I forgot to say yesterday that at the end of me our brief 'talk' I apologised for blocking him and said he could do or wear whatever he wanted. Anyway I'm at my mums now. No kiss or hug goodbye. Our marriage is clearly dead in the water. So much more to this than nail varnish. It's clearly already over, no matter how much we once loved each other

OP posts:
NotSoNewAndShiny · 28/09/2021 15:45

So much more to this than nail varnish. It's clearly already over, no matter how much we once loved each other

I'm sorry about this OP. I truly hope things aren't as you think they are and you can both work things out. Perhaps, couple's counselling will help? Flowers

Spindrifting · 28/09/2021 16:53

@nailvarnishhubby

Trying to read all the replies. Slightly overwhelmed.

Just want to say thanks again to those who've offered guidance.

For those wondering, he hasn't mentioned it again and nor have I.

I forgot to say yesterday that at the end of me our brief 'talk' I apologised for blocking him and said he could do or wear whatever he wanted. Anyway I'm at my mums now. No kiss or hug goodbye. Our marriage is clearly dead in the water. So much more to this than nail varnish. It's clearly already over, no matter how much we once loved each other

OP, in fairness, this is the dripfeed to end all dripfeeds. If your marriage is this close to dead, then nail varnish is a complete irrelevance. Unless obviously you think you've been his beard all these years.

But then again, I adore my husband, and he left for a work trip this morning when I was hard at work on something while trying to make our DS's packed lunch, and I'm pretty sure I never kissed him goodbye either -- are you over-reading something minor, whether it's nail varnish or a kiss goodbye?

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 28/09/2021 18:09

@Spindrifting it's just the way it's always been between us. We aren't often apart and when we are we say goodbye in our way- which is a hug, a kiss and a 'I love you'. Due to missed trains we said goodbye twice about an hour and a half apart and it was the same both times and we weren't in a rush.

I don't think I've been his beard to that extreme. If anything I suspect that perhaps (if he is having those feelings) it's something he is maybe considering exploring now. I don't want to be a part of that. I also don't wish to live without affection. There's a lot going on and it's hard to write it all out. I honestly only wrote this post to figure out if I was the weird one. Seems many think I am but not everyone which is a relief!

OP posts:
FrozenoutofCostco · 28/09/2021 19:07

I'm with you OP, it would give me the ick @nailvarnishhubby

ColorMagicBarbie · 28/09/2021 20:00

Your husband is a grown man. It's not effeminate of him to want to wear nail varnish.

The fuck it's not. 😂

No normal bloke will just stroll into the pub wearing nail varnish.

2lsinllama · 28/09/2021 20:05

@Brefugee

The clearly middle aged women on this thread are being more than dramatic about shit that does not matter. Your lives sound dull

Oh dear. If they're middle aged now they were around at the time of punks, new romantics and emo goths in their teens & 20s. A fair few of my boyfriends wore nail varnish & eyeliner. We were in awe of David Sylvia's make up skills.

It really doesn't bother most of us at all!

Came here to say this. As a former Goth, all my ex boyfriends wore nail varnish and some still do. I think there is a huge difference between a little bit of self expression and suddenly wearing a full face of feminine make up.
NotSoNewAndShiny · 28/09/2021 20:32

Not sure why people aren't getting that this isn't the same as a Goth or rock star or anyone who normally self-expresses in that way or someone you'd not think twice about if they do.

Can you imagine Piers Morgan or Idris Elba, for example, suddenly seen wearing nail varnish? Everyone would think 'This is new. Any reason for this?'
It'd probably be news splattered all over the Internet.

No one would bat an eyelid if David Beckham, Elton John or Paul McCartney wore nail varnish.

It's not about the nail varnish - it's about who's wearing it and if it's 'normal' for them.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 28/09/2021 20:39

I don't think you are weird OP, I couldn't be sexually attracted to a man that wore nail polish!

Blindleadingtheblind · 28/09/2021 20:39

Upon reading your update OP, I genuinely hope you can work your issues out whatever they are. As PP suggested upthread, maybe couples counselling would help Flowers

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 28/09/2021 22:56

OP, in fairness, this is the dripfeed to end all dripfeeds. If your marriage is this close to dead, then nail varnish is a complete irrelevance. Unless obviously you think you've been his beard all these years.

Honestly nail varnish is such an irrelevance and isn't effeminate unless you are under describing it. Maybe if you were suddenly noticing he is wearing Full red painted talons with shelac extensions Coupled with skirts and beautiful dresses and borrowing your high heels... might indicate something being explored - but not a single painted nail or even all nails painted.

Did I miss the rule that as a girl I must paint my nails to be feminine?
Bc if it is as you described meh that's just such a nonevent

Fgs about PP claiming "normal" or "not normal" over a few painted finger nails! Have we gone backwards to 19th century?

me4real · 28/09/2021 23:36

@nailvarnishhubby In future, I suggest relationships board for most stuff that's sensitive. Otherwise people just seem to be wind up merchants playing devil's advocate.

I mean, unless your husband's a goth or whatever then the fact that people (mostly teenagers/early 20s at most) wear nail polish isn't really relevant.