Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I nasty?

155 replies

hettysfeathers · 27/09/2021 11:11

DP and I live 100 miles apart. Last night on the phone, he asked me to text him today.

I posted a photo for my friend's birthday at 9am, he then text me calling me a dick head for not texting him and telling me to go away when I replied.

He then said he didn't want to speak to me and I said "ok, don't expect me to reply when you've finished having a tantrum".

He said that he was doing the healthy thing and that I was punishing him for not wanting to talk either. I said, no, I wasn't punishing him, I just wasn't marching to the beat of his drum.

He has now said "I think I'll go for the unhealthy route in future, laugh at what you say and tell you to fuck off". This is what he does a lot during arguments, which he knows is a problem and upsets me.

He has said I am being unreasonable and nasty.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
Tooembarrassingtomention · 27/09/2021 15:04

@hettysfeathers

He is only living away temporarily, we share a lot of friends here at home. He is my best friend, I have other friends but I get very lonely and like having someone there. I'm scared to be alone/without him
That is not a good enough reason to stay with someone
rainbowstardrops · 27/09/2021 15:24

Is he 12??? Bloody childish

accentdusoleil · 27/09/2021 15:26

Run for the hills

Get rid

lockdownalli · 27/09/2021 15:34

I'm scared to be alone/without him

You need to address this, in counselling if necessary, before you are safe to be in a relationship OP.

It explains why your standards are so pitiably low. Sad

scoopydoopy · 27/09/2021 15:36

Thank god he's 100 miles away op! Block and delete.

CityMumma78 · 27/09/2021 15:38

Unbelievable overreaction, this has red flags and I would just block and move on!! There is 100 miles between you! Please know that you deserve better than this.

pelosi · 27/09/2021 15:41

Why do many of us have such low standards? No one who loves you should tell you to fuck off. It’s horrible.

bigbeatmanifesto · 27/09/2021 15:51

So he lives a hundreds miles away and because you did something before you text him he kicked off, you then explained your not under his thumb an he turned around and is blaming you?
He was looking for an argument from the second you posted for your friend & if you give in and accept his narrative it'll be the 1st of many times he will try and make you believe your wrong about something even when you know your right or in other words he's manipulative.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 27/09/2021 15:54

End the relationship. Not worth the drama.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 27/09/2021 16:09

100 miles apart sounds like a great start. No need to ever reduce that distance.

ClawedButler · 27/09/2021 16:10

You don't want to be without him because your self-esteem is a crumpled ball in the bin.

Women with low self-esteem find ways of creating a substitute for self-esteem, but that's all it is: a flimsy substitute. They derive a pale imitation of self-esteem from being in bad relationships by virtue of 2 things:

  1. they can feel validated that someone wants to be with them, as being single is equated with being undesirable
  2. they can garner sympathy as the victim - if he's always in the wrong then they're always in the right

This isn't true self-worth. This is a sickening pastiche of self-worth. A woman with high self esteem thinks differently:

  1. how a partner treats them needs to be of a certain standard; being single is freeing and glorious, so a partner has to be able to offer something pretty damn good to give that up
  2. they are confident enough in themselves to be the bad guy sometimes. To be wrong, to make mistakes, to work together with their partner to fix things and move on.

You are firmly stuck in the former camp. I would seriously recommend BetterHelp.com for a lower-cost personal therapy to examine why you feel the need to cling to a false representation of self-esteem, and how you can build your sense of self-worth to something much more robust, and positive, and empowering, and de-limiting and wonderful.

EmoIsntDead · 27/09/2021 16:13

@hettysfeathers

He is only living away temporarily, we share a lot of friends here at home. He is my best friend, I have other friends but I get very lonely and like having someone there. I'm scared to be alone/without him
Dump him. Raise your standards.
Wazzzzzzzup · 27/09/2021 16:15

Stop being a doormat

GiraffeClimber · 27/09/2021 16:18

Good god, just end it. Life is too short for this kind of crap.

Polkadots2021 · 27/09/2021 16:30

@hettysfeathers

DP and I live 100 miles apart. Last night on the phone, he asked me to text him today.

I posted a photo for my friend's birthday at 9am, he then text me calling me a dick head for not texting him and telling me to go away when I replied.

He then said he didn't want to speak to me and I said "ok, don't expect me to reply when you've finished having a tantrum".

He said that he was doing the healthy thing and that I was punishing him for not wanting to talk either. I said, no, I wasn't punishing him, I just wasn't marching to the beat of his drum.

He has now said "I think I'll go for the unhealthy route in future, laugh at what you say and tell you to fuck off". This is what he does a lot during arguments, which he knows is a problem and upsets me.

He has said I am being unreasonable and nasty.

AIBU?!

If you live 100 miles away, Share no property or kids - then this will be the easiest guy to dump ever. Dump and block! What an idiot.
PearlclutchersInc · 27/09/2021 16:34

Eh? What on earth are you doing with him?

Marching orders I think (if you've got any self respect).

whynotwhatknot · 27/09/2021 17:00

I dont even get it-whats the nasty part

apart from him being a dick youve done nothing wrong

EKGEMS · 27/09/2021 17:07

He isn't your best friend; he's a nasty, vile, abusive asshole and his supposed good qualities do not outweigh his nastiness! I'd rather live alone for one hundred years than tolerate anyone being abusive to me

HappyDays101010 · 27/09/2021 17:19

I think that @ClawedButler has it. Particularly in the point: 2) they can garner sympathy as the victim - if he's always in the wrong then they're always in the right It does feel a little like this thread is trying to garner sympathy - your thread title for instance - of course you don't believe that you might have been nasty for a single minute.

OurChristmasMiracle · 27/09/2021 17:22

Copy and paste and send this to him

“Following this mornings messages it is clear that our relationship is not working out, it’s not something that is at this stage in any way fixable so I will not be seeing you again. Hetty”

And move happily on with your life because you are worth so much more!

VikingsandDragons · 27/09/2021 17:33

@hettysfeathers

Thank you for your responses. He's adamant I'm in the wrong, I don't want to end things with him but if he can't even see that he's wrong I don't know what I can do
I'd start by questioning why you don't want to end things with him. Did you grow up with many healthy relationship role models around? No one would ever call me a 'dick head' and be in my life in the future for any reason at all. Your relationship sounds exhausting.
Bobsyer · 27/09/2021 18:20

Listen, you get one life. One. Don't waste it with a man who is a dickhead. What is the actual point?

Mrstamborineman · 27/09/2021 18:24

Delete and block.
Anything else and YABU.
He is giant yet flaccid and useless knob

Mrstamborineman · 27/09/2021 18:24

So could be good but just isn’t

user1471442488 · 27/09/2021 18:28

@hettysfeathers

He is only living away temporarily, we share a lot of friends here at home. He is my best friend, I have other friends but I get very lonely and like having someone there. I'm scared to be alone/without him
Ugh, why are so many grown women “scared” to be alone. It’s pathetic.
Swipe left for the next trending thread