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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I nasty?

155 replies

hettysfeathers · 27/09/2021 11:11

DP and I live 100 miles apart. Last night on the phone, he asked me to text him today.

I posted a photo for my friend's birthday at 9am, he then text me calling me a dick head for not texting him and telling me to go away when I replied.

He then said he didn't want to speak to me and I said "ok, don't expect me to reply when you've finished having a tantrum".

He said that he was doing the healthy thing and that I was punishing him for not wanting to talk either. I said, no, I wasn't punishing him, I just wasn't marching to the beat of his drum.

He has now said "I think I'll go for the unhealthy route in future, laugh at what you say and tell you to fuck off". This is what he does a lot during arguments, which he knows is a problem and upsets me.

He has said I am being unreasonable and nasty.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 27/09/2021 12:29

@hettysfeathers

Thank you for your responses. He's adamant I'm in the wrong, I don't want to end things with him but if he can't even see that he's wrong I don't know what I can do
I think the most important thing here is self validation. It's not about whether we think you were nasty, it's about whether you think you're nasty.

You know you're not, really, don't you? That bit of you inside that's going 'He's cuckoo, I'm not nasty! How rude of him!', that's your self validating part. Listen to it. Every word. In every relationship. All the time.

It doesn't have to be who is wrong and who is right. He can have an opinion of what you did that's different from yours, and that's entirely up to him. But why would he be forcing a criticism on you if he loved you? Surely, even if you had made an error or been a bit thoughtless, you'd want a partner to approach you gently with it, say their feelings were hurt, perhaps, rather than attack you with insults?

Stuckhere2021 · 27/09/2021 12:29

@hettysfeathers

Thank you for your responses. He's adamant I'm in the wrong, I don't want to end things with him but if he can't even see that he's wrong I don't know what I can do
Aww come on OP! Why is your benchmark so low? I recommend you immediately head to the Relationships forum - it will give you an insight into your future life with this manchild - note the posts from people saying they are in a controlling relationship with a dickhead, have 2 kids, no money, a house they don't own and they are basically stuck.

Thankfully you are not at that point - yet - but 100% if you stay with him, you will be. He WILL NOT CHANGE. He is showing you his true self. There is fuck all you can do except end the relationship and find a person who is adult and worthy of you. Please.

sallievp · 27/09/2021 12:30

Omg! Don't you deserve better? Surely you can get a better Partner than this vile man!

CanICelebrate · 27/09/2021 12:31

No you’re not nasty. He, on the other hand, is being a dickhead in this situation.

ClawedButler · 27/09/2021 12:34

Just block him. Don't engage with this kind of silly behaviour (especially as it can escalate to seriously scary behaviour that can actually ruin your life). Who needs to spend their days pacifying a grown man in a nappy throwing his toys out the pram?

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 27/09/2021 12:34

He's a weird one, isn't he?

NoMoreJam21 · 27/09/2021 12:36

Controlling weirdo. Get rid.

Gonnagetgoing · 27/09/2021 12:36

He's being a stroppy and abusive idiot and coupled with living 100 miles apart (is that for both your benefits?!) I honestly cannot see what you get out of this relationship.

As Stuckhere2021 says - head to the Relationships board and heed some of the advice here, because if you're having spats about punishing the other and marching to the beat of the other's drum this is really stupid and will only end in tears. Trust me, I know...

NoMoreJam21 · 27/09/2021 12:37

You can't FORCE someone to text when you want them to text. That's not love. That's weirdo controlling behaviour. What next?

He'll be controlling where you go and what you wear??

Gonnagetgoing · 27/09/2021 12:37

@NoMoreJam21

Controlling weirdo. Get rid.
You said this far more succinctly than I did...
Threewheeler1 · 27/09/2021 12:38

Nah, he's a humongous wanker.
Do exactly what ChargingBuck says & visualise meeting a nice bloke who acts like a grown up.
I'd get rid.

Wishimaywishimight · 27/09/2021 12:39

Fair enough if you don't want to end things with this utter pillock. You will just need to get used to this sort of petty nonsense. I couldn't be doing with it. Life's too short and all that...

Chloemol · 27/09/2021 12:40

Dump him

I cant believe you are putting up with this

Wishimaywishimight · 27/09/2021 12:41

@TheFoundations I love your advice, it is absolutely spot on. I am 52 now and I so wish I had listened to my gut on many occasions in the past, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. Still it's not too late - I started doing this in my early 40s and life has been a lot happier and easier since.

TheFoundations · 27/09/2021 12:44

[quote Wishimaywishimight]@TheFoundations I love your advice, it is absolutely spot on. I am 52 now and I so wish I had listened to my gut on many occasions in the past, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. Still it's not too late - I started doing this in my early 40s and life has been a lot happier and easier since.[/quote]
Me too. I was 43 and the penny dropped in a counselling session one Sunday morning. I walked in a child, and walked out an adult.

I wish I'd realised before too, but hey ho, it's been a good bunch of lessons, and I'm happy as a pig in doo doo, now. Join us, OP!

GatoradeMeBitch · 27/09/2021 12:46

He has now said "I think I'll go for the unhealthy route in future, laugh at what you say and tell you to fuck off".

Surely that's your cue to inform him that you don't want to be in an unhealthy relationship so you are indeed fucking off?

He lives 100 miles away and can't summon up any civility for you? Come to your senses please. Better to be happily single than involved with a bully.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 27/09/2021 12:48

Like fuck would I be in a relationship with him. Its like having another stroppy teen.

Od be ending that one quicksmart

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2021 12:48

You know you’re not nasty. But you also know he’s an abusive dickhead why you’re insisting on staying with him is something only you know.

Tistheseason17 · 27/09/2021 12:51

OP, of course you know what to do.
Dump the controlling twat.
Or stay with him for a life of misery waiting for the next shitty message to arrive.

LlamaTime · 27/09/2021 12:53

Wouldn't it be nice to be with someone who doesn't laugh at what you say and tell you to fuck off?

burritofan · 27/09/2021 12:54

Hooray! He’s 100 miles away! Dump, delete, block. Live your life and don’t continue to give him headspace.

thelastgoldeneagle · 27/09/2021 12:54

he then text me calling me a dick head for not texting him and telling me to go away when I replied

That's it right there - he calls you a dickhead for not texting him?? Dump him straight away. He's disrespectful and clearly bonkers. WTF is he thinking?

Also, is he 8? He has the emotional maturity of a teabag.

Dump and block. There's no point trying to understand him.

LowlandLucky · 27/09/2021 13:03

He isn't your partner , he is a bloke who gives you grief and acts like a toddler. If you want to live that way go ahead but you know it will only cause you misery.

littleloopylou · 27/09/2021 13:03

Wtf. Get rid.

10yearwarranty · 27/09/2021 13:07

@hettysfeathers

Thank you for your responses. He's adamant I'm in the wrong, I don't want to end things with him but if he can't even see that he's wrong I don't know what I can do
I can't imagine why you don't want to end things with him, if you don't then no point feeling put out by his behaviour, there will be a lot more of this to come.
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