Am I nasty?

[hettysfeathers]

DP and I live 100 miles apart. Last night on the phone, he asked me to text him today.

I posted a photo for my friend's birthday at 9am, he then text me calling me a dick head for not texting him and telling me to go away when I replied.

He then said he didn't want to speak to me and I said "ok, don't expect me to reply when you've finished having a tantrum".

He said that he was doing the healthy thing and that I was punishing him for not wanting to talk either. I said, no, I wasn't punishing him, I just wasn't marching to the beat of his drum.

He has now said "I think I'll go for the unhealthy route in future, laugh at what you say and tell you to fuck off". This is what he does a lot during arguments, which he knows is a problem and upsets me.

He has said I am being unreasonable and nasty.

AIBU?!

I don't think I've drip fed, or been "weird". But I appreciate all the advice and I am taking it on board. Thank you everyone

Sorry to ask but has he met someone else where he is living and is forcing your hand into finishing with him so he doesn't have to be the bad guy?

I have a best friend op. She's never told me to fuck off.

@hettysfeathers

He is only living away temporarily, we share a lot of friends here at home. He is my best friend, I have other friends but I get very lonely and like having someone there. I'm scared to be alone/without him

Raise your bar. What do you think would happen if you were alone? Would it be worse than someone who is supposed to love you insulting you when you've done nothing wrong?

The answer here isn't to stay with him, it's to recognise that if this is how your best friend treats you, you need to drastically improve your friendship circle and the quality of your friendships.

You're an adult. Why do you need someone around all the time? You need to learn how to look after yourself, emotionally, so that you don't have to rely on Mr Rude.

@hettysfeathers

And it's not all bad. He has good qualities

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that if you wrote them out itd either be a short or superficial list, OR that’s his list of bad qualities would be significantly longer.

My best friend wouldn't behave like this. My actual best friend by the way.

Because I’d tell her to get to the far side of fuck if she did.

Most people, if their best friend behaved like this, they wouldn't be their best friend any more.

I don't understand most of this, but I see no evidence that you were/are "nasty", but a few indicators that your partner's a bit immature. Even if you had done something "wrong" - his response is to plan to laugh at whatever you say in the future and tell you to fuck off? Really?

@hettysfeathers

Thank you for your responses. He's adamant I'm in the wrong, I don't want to end things with him but if he can't even see that he's wrong I don't know what I can do

Why on earth don't you want to end things with him. He's a dickhead, why lumber yourself?

It's not ideal to be dealing with a wimpy man. All this wasting of time with tit for tat things.

He sounds like an immature twat. As PPs said, great news that he lives so far away so you need never see or hear from him again after you’ve blocked him.

@hettysfeathers

Thank you for your responses. He's adamant I'm in the wrong, I don't want to end things with him but if he can't even see that he's wrong I don't know what I can do

I don't want to end things with him

Why on earth not? As other pp's have already pointed out - he's a dickhead.

@NoMoreJam21

You can't FORCE someone to text when you want them to text. That's not love. That's weirdo controlling behaviour. What next?

He'll be controlling where you go and what you wear??

Yep, been there and done that in my late 20s - thought I could deal with a jealous/possessive idiot - ignored best friend's advice, he said he was only jealous/possessive because he loved me.

He tried and failed to cut me off from my four best friends (two male), and where I went, liked me to wear matching outfits and other stuff 'suitable', 2 years later we split up.

Please OP - listen to us - and listen to your gut too. Don't be like me after 2 years of constantly fighting, him wearing my confidence down and it all ending badly. Not worth it for you at all. Or worth it for him for that matter.

@HTH1

He sounds like an immature twat. As PPs said, great news that he lives so far away so you need never see or hear from him again after you’ve blocked him.

Exactly - this would be my plus point - if you live so far away you're hardly likely to bump into him (as I did with my abusive ex as we worked very near each other) nor can you just go and see him unless you want to.

Be glad that he lives so far away. Block his number and get on with your life.

These damned Year 11 relationships are so tricky

he's a dick

When someone behaves in such a way that makes you question your own behaviour they are being a complete dickhead

@hettysfeathers

He is only living away temporarily, we share a lot of friends here at home. He is my best friend, I have other friends but I get very lonely and like having someone there. I'm scared to be alone/without him

So you'd rather be sad and controlled with him?

What is so scary about not being with someone who is mean and controlling?

@hettysfeathers

And it's not all bad. He has good qualities

Everybody has good qualities. I daresay if most of us met Hitler without knowing what he was capable of, we'd get on with him. Nice bloke to have a cup of tea and a slice of cake with, apparently.

Relationships can't be judged on how things are when things are nice. They have to be judged on how bad things get when things get bad. This guy has just shown you that if you don't accept his insult willingly, he's going to laugh in your face and swear at you. Do you honestly want that to be what happens in your relationship when you're feeling a bit shitty, or tired, or hormonal, or ill?

He's given you a warning of what he's like when you don't accept his bullshit about you. Take heed. People who behave like this don't just do it once. It's a deep seated attachment to disrespect.

He's trying to play games with your head. Deliberately. Not good.

@hettysfeathers

He is only living away temporarily, we share a lot of friends here at home. He is my best friend, I have other friends but I get very lonely and like having someone there. I'm scared to be alone/without him

@hettysfeathers, a good friend, a real good friend doesn’t behave that way. They don’t make you question your sanity. They don’t talk to you the way he does. He isn’t your friend.

On the other side ‘he has plenty of good qualities’ is what most women who are in abusive relationship say. No abuser is ever awful all the time. No woman would ever stay if they were. Instead they are nice when they need to reign the woman back in and nasty when they don’t get their own way or feel the need to exert their power.
So yes good qualities/sides are important. But even more Important are the bad sides, the times when he is basically abusive.

I can barely read your post through the sea of red flags. Get rid asap.

Your standards must be shockingly low to consider staying with a twat like him.

"I'm scared to be alone/without him"

How could being alone be worse than the shit way he treats you?

I hope you come to your senses and realise your worth sooner rather than later. Get a dog, OP. Theyre much better friends

Long distance rows by text/phone are horrible. Just turn the phone off for a day and give each other a break.