To feel I have utterly let down my children by sending then to a state school?

[hibbledibble]

I went to a private school, and achieved very well academically.

My children go to a state school, as I can't afford private school. I will never be able to afford it sadly. They go to the local community school, which has a reputation for not being academic.

My eldest is extremely bright, and tested many years ahead of her age on entering the local primary. Now, she has failed to even get to the second round of the 11+. She has really just coasted at school, as they have not set any appropriate work for her, despite multiple requests. They say they can't offer 'gifted and talented' provision, due to funding.

Her sibling is very behind on learning, as she missed loads of school due to lockdowns, and the school offered very little remote provision throughout most of the time. I have asked for support for her, but am told that nothing is available, again, due to funding. Meanwhile, she is struggling with even the basics.

I do think that both of my children would have done better, had they gone to a school where their individual abilities and learning stage was catered for, and they were helped to achieve their potential. I feel I have let them down by not providing them with a good education, which they could have had if I had the money.

Now it's looking likely my eldest will have to go to the terrible, and rough, local secondary, and the underachieving will continue.

@WTAFhappened123

I totally get it OP. What I think is disgusting is how much quality of teaching and attainment varies from school to school. Not helped by things like English as second (or complete lack of) language, little disruptive sh*ts in the classroom with zero consequences, teachers who work their way up to be bullying/crap head teachers etc etc. I’d say go down the tutor route if you have no choice with the school you get

You do realise that OP's child has become one of those 'disruptive little shts' don't you @WTAFhappened123*

And you don't think that teaching varies between private schools??Q?!?!??!

Get a grip and move schools 🙄

@Puffalicious

Absolute nonsense. Education is a right not a privilege. Our state system is excellent. My older sons go to a very mixed, large comprehensive in Glasgow (we don't have grammars/ selective state schooling). My eldest received the school dux in August- the top grades- in all 5 subjects (A level equivalent all over 90%). He is applying for Oxford for 2022. His younger brother is also doing excellently. What more could a private school have given my boys? Please enlighten me.

Puffalicious, you are very opinionated and somewhat living in a bubble. You surely cannot be so biased to not be aware that not all state schools produce good exam results. Sounds to me like your children have been very lucky that they have achieved what they have in the state system. This is not always the case, as the OP is experiencing. She has every right to be concerned if her girls are not achieving as she believes they should. My children were also brought up in a Scottish city and believe me, the state secondary schools were very poor, hence why we used the private system. I have absolutely no regrets and will not be blasted out of the water by you or anyone else for doing so. We made sacrifices in order to send them there, never had expensive holidays. That was our personal choice and my adult children have all done extremely well. On the other hand both their father and I went to very good state schools in a completely different part of scotland, and we too went to good universities. It very much is a lottery as to where you are and how the state system school is performing, often due to how the head of the school is. You sound unfortunately like you have a major chip on your shoulder re private schooling...enlighten us as to why this is please?

I attended the worst performing school in a very poor area. Academically speaking I did extremely well. Full set of GCSE’s and 3 A levels - all A’s and B’s. The difference between myself and some of my peers was that I came from a home where reading was encouraged. If you read, you learn. My parents could not afford to buy me books all the time so I went the library. I did all of my revising in a reference library. I also had parents that held me accountable, no excuses. All this was over thirty years ago. Nowadays kids have the internet but they are also mollycoddled and made to feel like they owed something. If a child is bright and they want to learn and they have parents that encourage learning - they will succeed.

I went to a rough state school and worked my butt off. I got straight As in everything. It's down to the individual, not the school.

London schools are in the main extremely good, far above the rest of the country. I’m surprised you’ve ended up with such an apparently poor one .

Educational attainment is also largely down to parents. It’s surprising if you’ve managed to buck that relationship.

It’s entirely possible that whatever’s caused her to underachieve would still be an issue at private school. I think it’s far too simplistic to assume that this all boils down to slumming it with 93% of the population.

Sorry but you have let your DD down. if she is that bright then with a tiny bit of tutoring just to close gaps in reasoning tests snd exam technique she would have passed the 11+. Mine went to both excellent state and private and passed 11+ from both but you do need to tutor.
But if you can’t afford it anyway, why did you get her to sit for it?
Totally agree that private schools offer a much much better education than most state, although there are a few exceptional state schools that are equal. Just console yourself - she’s more chance of an oxbridge place from a state.

Hi OP.
How long will it take for you to become a Consultant?
When you do and if it's feasible could you enrol your children in a private school?
Could Grandparents help?
Could you remortgage?

@Harls1969

My kids both went to the local 'rough' schools (deprived area). Son got 8s and 9s in his GCSEs and is doing very well for himself. Daughter admits she could have done a lot better (Bs and Cs) if she'd tried. By saying you've failed your children, you're saying that the majority of us not fortunate/rich enough to privately educate our children have also failed ours

This! My parents did not fail me by being unable to afford private education, I think the op is an utter thoughtless shit for not thinking about the all the parents who are reading this thread and making them feel like they are failing their kids because they are not privileged.

I went to a very rough under achieving secondary school. It was put on special measures then closed. Drugs, early teen pregnancy, violence etc. All commonplace. My infant school was not great either. No family support or interest in education. All prior generations left school at 15 with no qualifications. I did well academically and now on 6 figures in a job I love. Your kids don’t need private school to succeed. Especially with an interested and supportive family. I imagine they’ll have a much less entitled attitude to boot ;-)

@hibbledibble - I have a couple of questions

1. did you prepare for 11+ in order to get your child into a grammar school?
2. why didn’t you consider virtual tutoring of your were having problems with face to face. I know a lot of parents who have done this. My DD went to private and is now in a state school, a very good state school where they regularly test the girls to assess progress. Does your school not do any of this?

You are saying she does nothing at school and I find that so hard to believe. What do you mean that the school do little. What ofsted rating does this school have? As PP have said, if your child was academically ‘advanced’ then how is she now doing so badly. You’ve said a lot about the school but what effort does your DD put into her studies.
Also apologies if you’ve answered this but do you have a partner that could financially help with private?

Finally - private doesn’t necessarily mean better education. Private schools teach more or less what state schools do. Only difference is the extra curricular experiences you get with private. I’ve seen both and have to say my DD is learning the same in her current school as she was when she was in private.

Sorry OP, but I think you need to move house. I know it's not easy (that's an understatement), and houses close to good schools carry a high premium, but that's what parents who can, do. You're in London, can you move a bit further out? If you have a family house in London, it's likely expensive, so you'd just be moving to a different expensive house. You might have to get something smaller or live in the very outer limits of London (or even outside the M25 completely). There's some absolutely excellent state secondaries in the outer London boroughs, where houses, comparatively for London overall, especially if you're moving further out away from the tube stations, might be affordable. Most people don't want to move from inner London to outer London (if that's your situation, i might be wrong), travel into the centre turns from something that's relatively to a bit of a pita, and the vibe is different. But if they have the means (and as a doctor surely you do, even if you rent?) it is what parents do, if they don't already have state secondaries that they're happy with on their doorstep. Relying on the +11 is a bit risky imo.

I don't understand why people are being so mean to you.

It's completely true that some schools are better than others; it's also true that some schools are better suited to some children than others.

It sounds like the school your children are at hasn't suited their specific needs and I totally get that this is awful and you feel awful and wish you'd been able to choose something better for them. This is extremely reasonable.

That said, what else could you have done? If you couldn't/can't afford private school or moving house then that means you're stuck with what you have. So the only unreasonable part of your post is that you feel guilty- it's not your fault.

I'd encourage them to read loads; see if you can make time to read good books to them loads. That sorts a lot of things out, actually. They're only little, still. You making a big deal out of homework etc might be counter productive and very stressful for all of you.

Good luck and thanks for being a doctor

Yes I agree with that Trimble.
OP had a private education and is worried that her kids are missing out- because she can compare both systems in her area.
She's asked if she's failing her kids. She's a Doctor, working long hours and probably studying herself. She's feeling guilty and upset. Can we give her a break?

@Yourcatisnotsorry did you go my school? I work with lots of privately educated people now and the difference I have spotted is their supreme confidence but unfortunately this does come across as entitled at times. I am always amazed at how really things were not as different as you might expect. We had white lightening and cheap lager, they had expensive flavoured vodkas. We had grass they could afford cocaine. Oh parents of privately educated children are so naive.

Have you thought about an hour or two private tuition to help them catch up? My daughter was struggling with her work due to being an August child and I found someone local who charged a tenner an hour. I don't know whether this is something you can afford, but obviously it is much cheaper than private school and gave my daughter a little boost academically. We didn't send her for long, money was tight for us, but we managed until we felt she had caught up with her peers.

Reading your OP I'm sorry to say but you come across as so judgemental. My eldest is state schooled and excelling in all areas, my youngest will be at state school next year. I'm sorry to say but I'm going to meet your horrific judgements with my own.... you went to a private school and yet even with all that advantage you STILL can't afford to send your kids to a private school so I'd say personally it didn't give you the advantage with getting more money in jobs did it?

Your blaming the schools yet its not just on the schools to provide learning, parents have to teach them as well. Your kids underachieving isn't the schools fault it's your kids fault for not trying hard enough... even in those 'rough' state schools kids who want to do well will do well regardless.

As I'm sure you've found out private education doesn't mean you are going to be rich when you leave

I don’t think you can blame the school for your daughter not passing the 11+. Both my children got into selective secondaries from private schools, but plenty of their peers did not. Now that they are at secondary, there are plenty that came through state primary. All the secondaries we looked at were at pains to point out that the tests are meant to spot potential, and that as long as the children have some idea of what to expect e.g it shouldn’t be the first time they’ve seen a verbal reasoning paper, then it’s not about being trained to pass.

You sound unfortunately like you have a major chip on your shoulder re private schooling...enlighten us as to why this is please?

Yes, isn’t it funny how people who bang on about how state schools are better because they teach acceptance and introduce better diversity and are about embracing people’s differences, seem to think that stops at a certain wealth bracket. Anyone beyond that wealth bracket only deserves derision and criticism.

you went to a private school and yet even with all that advantage you STILL can't afford to send your kids to a private school so I'd say personally it didn't give you the advantage with getting more money in jobs did it?

I’ve said this many times, but it doesn’t seem to ever get through. A private education gives people choices. Few leave private schools and become hairdressers or mechanics because there are few other options available to them, but may leave school and make a choice to do that because it is what they want to do. Being a success isn’t about how much you earn. Success is doing what you want to do and being good at it.

@BoredZelda

you went to a private school and yet even with all that advantage you STILL can't afford to send your kids to a private school so I'd say personally it didn't give you the advantage with getting more money in jobs did it?

I’ve said this many times, but it doesn’t seem to ever get through. A private education gives people choices. Few leave private schools and become hairdressers or mechanics because there are few other options available to them, but may leave school and make a choice to do that because it is what they want to do. Being a success isn’t about how much you earn. Success is doing what you want to do and being good at it.

I agree and becoming a doctor is good. Not everyone has to use it to earn more.

^Sorry but you have let your DD down. if she is that bright then with a tiny bit of tutoring just to close gaps in reasoning tests snd exam technique she would have passed the 11+. Mine went to both excellent state and private and passed 11+ from both but you do need to tutor.
But if you can’t afford it anyway, why did you get her to sit for it?^

Smug or what! Probably nearly all the children who sat the exam for OP’s desired school were bright and had various levels tutoring to close gaps in reasoning tests and exam technique exam technique but they can’t all have passed. Probably a fair percentage of ‘failures‘ came from private school.

No harm in sitting the exam for such a desirable school but OP needed to be realistic and not get too disheartened by not succeeding.

@BoredZelda but why can’t you have choices if you attend a state school? I had a choice. We all ave choices. I don’t get your point?

Libraryghost Poor results obtained in a non academic/badly performing school limits your choices considerably.

Seriously? Privileged parent moans that she can't afford to buy more priviledge. How entitled could you be 🙄?