To feel I have utterly let down my children by sending then to a state school?

[hibbledibble]

I went to a private school, and achieved very well academically.

My children go to a state school, as I can't afford private school. I will never be able to afford it sadly. They go to the local community school, which has a reputation for not being academic.

My eldest is extremely bright, and tested many years ahead of her age on entering the local primary. Now, she has failed to even get to the second round of the 11+. She has really just coasted at school, as they have not set any appropriate work for her, despite multiple requests. They say they can't offer 'gifted and talented' provision, due to funding.

Her sibling is very behind on learning, as she missed loads of school due to lockdowns, and the school offered very little remote provision throughout most of the time. I have asked for support for her, but am told that nothing is available, again, due to funding. Meanwhile, she is struggling with even the basics.

I do think that both of my children would have done better, had they gone to a school where their individual abilities and learning stage was catered for, and they were helped to achieve their potential. I feel I have let them down by not providing them with a good education, which they could have had if I had the money.

Now it's looking likely my eldest will have to go to the terrible, and rough, local secondary, and the underachieving will continue.

Look at ALL other possibilities of schools. It is not a nationwide issue in the way the headteacher is saying.

My childrens catchment school is appalling. My daughter was reading Matilda in year 1 and her teacher confiscated the book because 'children don't read'. When I finally pulled her out at the end of year 4 they told me she 'just wasn't any good at maths'. I knew this was rubbish as I am a maths teacher!
I moved both my kids to the next closest school and the difference is astounding. My eldest got the highest maths sats result the school had seen and my youngest is thriving. A teacher makes all the difference and because of this, not all schools are equal.

Repeating other remarks. I went to a state school, and a particularly rough one. I went to uni and have a law degree. You are focussing too much on the school and forgetting that your child and you have some responsibility as well. If the primary is not doing well then you should be raising this with the governors or board, or last resort Ofsted.

My grandchildren go to brilliant state primary schools and secondary I worked with young adults from private schools there adding up was appalling without a calculator .Met young children from private school they are so behind on their reading levels maybe it’s the parents not putting in the effort every night

My daughter went to a not very good secondary school. She got her head down and worked really hard to achieve 10 A * GCSE. She wasn't very good at Physics so we paid for a tutor for the last year.

She now has 2 degrees and 2 masters degrees. It isnt the school its the person in the school that matters.

When you look at the calibre of some of the well-known people educated at elite public schools, I don’t think you have too much to worry about.

@hibbledibble

electric I'm a doctor, so I have done well academically, and professionally. Unfortunately, private school fees have gone up way above inflation, and doctor's wages have stagnated to below inflation. I have not failed, but have chosen a job I am passionate about, rather than one which is well paid.

Being a doctor isn't well paid?!

I’ve taught in both, and you can’t generalise. In fact, if your children are, as you say falling behind targets set on the basis of genuinely having tested as high ability, then a state school is more likely to pick that up and deal with it. Private schools don’t always do this; they have a less data driven approach and are able to fudge things if it suits. There is nowhere to hide in the state system: if the child fails to reach their targets then the school and its teachers are judged as having failed. People can lose their jobs, I don’t think parents always understand this.

I’d recommend taking the long view. Both of my daughters went to private school at 11. Youngest went to Exeter where she has done well but not as well as her boyfriend who went to a very mediocre comprehensive. Encourage hard work and self motivation. That’s what will count in the end.,

Sadly I’d ignore the comment above from @Lifethroughlenses on bursaries - the OP as a doctor will warn far too much and bursaries generally in London only give a small discount. There’s no need to, places are over subscribed. I presume the poster is outside of London. Grammars in London are super selective, it’s not the case that the very brightest don’t need tutoring here. It is ruthless!!

This thread had certainly opened my eyes - I think London non selective states can be truly excellent and if I was the OP I’d be looking at moving into a better catchment/wonder why she didn’t already…

I don't think that you've failed your DC OP. The fact you're concerned is a massive indication that you're a caring parent.

Hopefully you can enrich their education with experiences and clubs and tutors.

Also, everyone saying that you should be able to afford the private fees haven't given any consideration to the 18 weeks of school holiday and providing wrap around care...on top of fees!

There are so may things that I could say here.

You need to take responsibility for your child's education. If you feel that the school isn't pushing her enough then you should have been on top of the situation before it went too far.

You could get a tutor or you could see that you went to a private school and yet you can't afford to send your children to one.

Not all children are highly academic. She may have other talents.

Home education is an option then you will have full control over her learning.

My husband and I are both products of Northern Irish grammar schools. My husband taught in state and private schools, his last one being an English public school. Our three children all went to an excellent state primary. Our two older then children went on to attend my husband's school as we got reduced fees and it was expected. Our son didn't particularly enjoy being there but he still did well academically. Our middle child,a girl, hated it,was deeply unhappy and didn't achieve her full potential. In fact we moved her to the local comprehensive after 3 years. We decided not to send our youngest to my husband's school but keep her in the state system. She is now a university lecturer and a well rounded individual. Our son also did well academically but our middle child never quite recovered emotionally and didn't achieve academically. I'm now pro comprehensive education but I guess it depends on the school in your area.

I think stop blaming yourself ; most people can't afford private school ; but what we can do is perhaps be very proactive in their schooling ie be involved , speak to teachers , find out their aspirations and work backwards ; maybe pay a tutor or two when needed ; we did this and now have one at medical school and one at vet school which were the courses they really wanted 👍🏻👍🏻

If you are a junior dr you must have had your children very young indeed. Or trained very late. This does not add up. It is more than possible to be a consultant in your 30s. I'm a hospital sister of 25yrs experience and im calling bullshit on this one.

Quite honestly , as ordinary class teachers of young children, my husband and I considered that the most important thing for our 3 girls was that they were happy at school, that they were kind to others and that they were self motivated to work to their full potential.

The eldest and youngest went to uni to persue their dreams. Eldest- self employed illustrator and youngest- vet nurse.

Neither earns much money but they are happy!
The middle daughter chose a path of Performing Arts ( she is dyslexic) . She did not go to uni, went to work on the Disney Cruise Ships instead and then holiday camps around the South Coast of England. She now is a succesful hairdresser and happy.
The point is that we did not decide for our girls that they should be greatly educated to earn stacks of money eventually ( my Sister- in- Law is in the NHS and on her retirement was earning 5 times what my husband was earning as a teacher when he retired, but no happier.)
We valued our daughters' happiness, and encouraged them to work hard to reach their dreams
They now encourage our grandchildren in the same way. @hibbledibble
You need to be positive about the schools near you, treat it as a new start for your daughter, find out her dreams, and together go and visit the schools to see which would suit her best according to what she wants to acheive from life.

I would have felt like I had let my kids down if I had sent them to private school not a state school

I went to private school for my primary I was bullied so bad and I hated it when my parents couldn’t afford to keep me there after year 6 I went to a state school. It was the best thing for me. I now refuse to send my kids to private school and so far 2 out of the 3 have done amazing, and they go to a school which is known for sports over anything else but with the right encouragement from us and themselves they have excelled! Every child is different!

Gosh I haven’t read the whole thread but from what I have read it seems no one has noticed that not all state schools are the same standard. Neither are all private schools. I’ve worked in loads of both and they vary massively! Just because one person’s dc is perfectly ok on the state system it doesn’t mean that no one is being failed by it! And the same goes for private schools. I chose my dc’s state primary very carefully and I’ll do the same with secondary.

@sheiselectric

I promise I'm not trying to be an arse...but if you went through private and can't afford to send your kid to private now...then surely you know going to private school isn't the be all and end all.

Children can go to state schools and still go on to have wonderful careers just as many private school students go on to have very average careers.

THIS!!!

All children get to where they're going regardless of their school. It just takes some longer. My daughter coasted through school with the minimum effort possible & not much pushing from the school. She left with great GCSE grades, did excellent in her A levels, got a 2:1 at uni and is now really successful in her job - all because she began to apply herself at 15.

I went to our local comp, hubby went to one of the top 10 private schools in the country. I loved school he hated every single minute of it & I have a better job & earn more money than him. The private education system & the pressure they use totally took away any ambition he had. He's got a very worthwhile job working for a charity but its not the type of 'high flyer' job you'd expect for that type of school. Although he has got that really annoying self assuredness & arrogance that private education seem to churn out!

My nephew who has been to one of the roughest schools in the area has secured a place at Oxford.

Nothing to do with you failing them, don't be so tough on yourself. With the right guidance they will get to where they're going & as long as they are happy & contribute to society then you've done your job well x

Have you tried any local state grammar schools?

Have you even read the OP?

I empathise with you - it must be horrible seeing your children's potential not being fulfilled. Don't forget though, if your kids are bright, they won't lose that intelligence. Have you considered moving to the catchment area of a better school? Do your research thoroughly first, to make sure the school is fulfilling your aims - and that you will actually be in the catchment area - but that would make a massive difference, I'm sure. There are a vast variety quality of state schools and making blanket assumptions about state versus private doesn't work.

How can you be a doctor and say you aren’t well paid?! I probably earn way less that you but still think I’m doing ok. You seem very out of touch. A lot of state schools do the best they can and my partner is a teacher who works very hard.

IME a lot of privately educated DC also don’t get offers from the grammar schools round here. It is not the panacea you seem to imagine OP.

Another post from me. My nephew went to local comprehensive and then on to Uni. He is now a director of an international company earning well over £200k. His wife is a junior dr she earns £30k not £15k. They send both of their sons to the local primary school. HIs brother also went to local comp but didnt want to go to Uni. He went to a skills centre to train to be a plumber. He worked hard and now owns his own building company employing 20 people. Like I said in my other post its the person not the school that matters.

Hmn. Have all the other kids at the school failed to get through to the second round of the 11+? If not, you may need to look elsewhere for the cause.