To feel I have utterly let down my children by sending then to a state school?

[hibbledibble]

I went to a private school, and achieved very well academically.

My children go to a state school, as I can't afford private school. I will never be able to afford it sadly. They go to the local community school, which has a reputation for not being academic.

My eldest is extremely bright, and tested many years ahead of her age on entering the local primary. Now, she has failed to even get to the second round of the 11+. She has really just coasted at school, as they have not set any appropriate work for her, despite multiple requests. They say they can't offer 'gifted and talented' provision, due to funding.

Her sibling is very behind on learning, as she missed loads of school due to lockdowns, and the school offered very little remote provision throughout most of the time. I have asked for support for her, but am told that nothing is available, again, due to funding. Meanwhile, she is struggling with even the basics.

I do think that both of my children would have done better, had they gone to a school where their individual abilities and learning stage was catered for, and they were helped to achieve their potential. I feel I have let them down by not providing them with a good education, which they could have had if I had the money.

Now it's looking likely my eldest will have to go to the terrible, and rough, local secondary, and the underachieving will continue.

@hibbledibble

Whether my children are 'as bright as I hoped' is irrelevant, and a deliberate attempt at being belittling.

Am I unreasonable to expect my younger child who isn't meeting expected standards to have support to catch up? The school is failing children at both ends of the ability spectrum.

@hibbledibble - I’ve already pointed out to you that the National Tutoring Programme has been set up to support children who have fallen behind as a result of covid 19 school closures and disruption. State schools have been given extra money for this. Go back to your younger child’s school and ask why they think she doesn’t qualify for any extra support. Don’t get fobbed off, keep pressing for answers as to why both your children keep falling through the gaps. Tell them enough is enough - they are failing your children. This is not a universal state school problem, it’s a problem with your children’s specific school.

Have attended private schools until college. I am now unemployed!
Not trying to make any waves but I do think if you know what you want to do, there is always a way.

You have written on the wrong site. I know exactly how you feel although I paid for mine to go private on waiters money. Most people on here hate private schools but I bet if they were rich they would soon send there children to one so a lot of it is jealousy. ( I know I’m about to get vilified but don’t really give a shit). State schools can be brilliant ( so I’ve heared) could you afford to have them tutored instead?’

Most MN post ever lol

You went to a Private School but you can’t afford to send your kids to one so what advantage did Private School give you? You really are making it sound like only peasants go to state schools (which is actually the majority of the country) and never achieve anything so cheers for the judgement

My brother messed up his schooling then he had no olevels, he went to work for IBM and did every free course they had and now does all the GP surgeries computers in his home town and earns a fortune, there are other courses,colleges find out what they are good at and then look around . There are other options. Think outside the box.

Maybe sending them to private school isn’t that important you said you did really well but you can’t afford to send them to private school …
Why don’t you support your children with tutors to supplement learning.. I think As Parents we need to take some responsibility not leave it all on the Education system especially after the last year. You haven’t let them down .. just take some action.

I sent my daughter to a private school last year. It’s was difficult due to Covid restrictions as she was boarding and I live overseas. I took her out after the second term due to extreme bullying. I would say she is just recovering from the trauma and stews that caused her. Just because it cost doesn’t means it’s the best route ….

My children are at outstanding state schools and both are achieving well. I complement what the school offers with music tuition, sports clubs & additional language classes in the afternoons and at the weekend. Maybe you have the wrong state schools?

Rubbish, of course you haven't failed them. If your eldest is extremely bright, he'll do well wherever he goes. He may not being as spoonfed as he would be in some privates but that can be a benefit. I went to a socially deprived sink school and I'm just fine.

@bethabean

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous.

There are children at private schools who do not do so well academically and there are children at state schools who do amazing and go on to have amazing results and careers. You cannot home the schools for this, every child and family is different from the next. Whose to say that just because you did well in private school, your children would?

I went to a massive (2000) children comprehensive - my parents couldn't have afforded independent education if they'd worked 24 hours a day every day. I got outstanding A levels, have 4 degrees and was able to retire early, having paid off the mortgage when I was 42.

My 2 cousins were sent to independent school. Both got a pair of poor A levels and poor degrees.

It doesn't always follow, is the point.

@hibbledibble I'm sure it's been asked a million times but there's no prospect of moving if you have really poor school options? Even in state schools class sizes are a lottery depending on where you are.

There are good state schools and bad state schools, just as there are good private schools and bad private schools. The difference is that there isn’t always choice about which state school your kids’ attend. You’re often stuck with little or no choice.
Our local state school had a good reputation but is actually crap. My daughter will be ok as I can pay for tutors and we’re engaged and able to support her but I’m so disappointed for the kids who can’t afford extra help, they’re being let down badly.

I don't think that sending children to a private school automatically guarantees a better education for them. I realize that you had a good education, and I realize that if you can afford private education, you have more choice. But some private schools attract teachers, who want to avoid having to teach pupils who may have any difficulties, or address individual differences; and they may not be at all inspiring. Often what seem to be outstanding results from a private school reflect its selecting only high-achieving pupils in the first place, rather than its teaching.

Would it be possible for you to pay for some private tutoring if it's needed?

What is true is that because of better financial resources, private schools have generally been more able to compensate for the effects of the pandemic; but I hope that there will not be the same sort of crisis in the near future!

Have you tried any local state grammar schools? They do tend to request an 11plus as an entrance exam and most are usually highly(over) subscribed.
Have you considered a tutor? I appreciate this has been difficult over the last 18months. There are also summer schools/and tutoring schools that provide support in the school holidays. Perhaps they may be offering support this October?
I wish you well and fully understand the dilemma that you are in

I’m worried about your attitude. Put the effort in yourself. There are loads of workbooks to help. You are beating yourself up and it’s not helping your kid at all. If you hate the school move! But beware your kids might not adjust to being uprooted.. I hope you don’t express your love of private schools to your children as it makes you sound like a snob even if you are not actually.

OP - just wanted to send you flowers Like many posters, I do think your kids will come through this okay, but as a parent it is the most awful feeling to think you haven’t done your best, or that you have let your kids down. So just sending you a hug. As the lockdowns ease and more people return to work, it may be easier to find another, more reliable tutor. I hope so.

All schools, whether state or independent, are the same in that they are a place where children are segregated from the real world and adults have authority over them. It doesn’t matter how “good” the school is, there are good and bad teachers. I went to one of the best schools in the NE many years ago and I can’t say that I got any better education that friends who went to comprehensive schools.
I home educated my own kids and they were outperforming their school-attending friends from an early age despite doing NO formal or school type “work” and no formal lessons. Both had absolutely no problem getting into further education. My youngest is a head of department at a top international software company, headhunted straight out of Uni and then when one of the CEOs formed a new company he took my son with him to help with the start up and by age 26 he was heading up one of the departments. At college his Science tutor could t believe he had never had any formal tuition in science. He got a Science diploma and then an IT diploma and then did Biomedical Science for his degree but then went back to tech. At 16 he and his friend who was also homeschooled formed their own plc and were into software and hardware design and development and they came to the attention of recruiting agents then.
My eldest is more on the creative side and stuff like tv and film props and costumes. Neither have ever been out of work as they’ve always done what they really enjoy.
I think you need to think about your post. What school you send your children to isn’t a important as other factors such as a stable and loving home life, and not basing your approval of them on education achievements.
Also…. Independent schools really do undermine the state school system. As long as the rich can choose private education for their kids the government will never improve the state school system that holds back working class children.
Yours is a first world problem. Children in developing countries would love to go to school. Think how many absolutely amazing people have come from very poor backgrounds to excel in their field.
If your kids are happy and you encourage them with their education then they’ll do well. Private schools are no better than state. If you’re so concerned, take them out of school and home educate them, or rather let them do whatever they like, whatever interests them, children are absolutely a payoff educating themselves as i and countless other parents have found.
Check out Education Otherwise website.
And realise that you are fortunate to have the choice, most parents in Britain do not.

You are aware that the education system is not one size fits all I assume? I assure you that if your children are amazingly academic then well done you have taught them how to function well in a system that needs changing because let's face it we are in a world that needs changing. Oh and I'm a teacher who left private education because it stifled the creativity of children to teach in one of those awful comprehensives! I also have a masters in psychology and own a business that enables children to learn about, explore and protect the natural world. I can afford private school and (shock horror) chose not to because parents are the first educators and should be exposing their children to as much as they can.

I am going to be a bit judgey here but if you are a doctor surely you could have afforded to move somewhere in the catchment area of a good state school. That is what I did. It just takes some strategic planning!

@Skynorth I couldn't love your post more! This is exactly what needs to be heard.

Stop giving yourself & the school a hard time. If kids want to learn they will & if they don’t they won’t.
I think of school as being like learning to drive. You learn to pass a test when having lessons & only really learn to drive once you are out there driving on your own.
If you are concerned about the level of education your kids are getting speak to their teacher & if necessary change schools. For the 15yr old it is a bit late on the day to be changing schools but younger child might benefit. Flip side is you change schools & the education is exactly the same so all that happens is kids lose their friends group.

I have work books for my 9yr old

Please don't think that 'underachieving' at primary means your children are ruined. They've plenty of time to find something to inspire them. And the private / state school thing is not something you should beat yourself up about.

There are plenty of very academic children who get pushed and pushed, and end up unhappy. Maybe even going to universities they hate and drop out of. Do you think your two are happy, have they got friends?

The pandemic has been disruptive for all kids and all education.

And going private isn't a magic wand. The private school kids can also do badly, and bunk off etc. Some of my kids' friends went to private secondary schools, there was no real difference in attainment at the end.

If your younger child is very behind and you can't afford a tutor, maybe a friend can help support them. A relative's kid got very behind at primary, by A-levels was getting A's. Nothing is set in stone.

Southeast London has houses that are not £1million to be in good schools. We are in such an area with 2 primary schools ofsted excellent and good results. Secondaries good including Grammar in neighbouring borough. I am just correcting the thread. Not sure where OP is but there are possibilities.

Schools do have a responsibility and if they are not educating then pressure needs to continue.

I don’t think you have failed them by sending them to state school, however I intend to send mine to private or a good state school. This is subject close to my heart as I attended numerous schools, all of which were not great, with the one I completed my GCSEs at being placed in special measures and had just 16% of students achieving 5 A*-C at GCSE level. We had kids who by years 10/11 had already had babies, were pregnant, had been arrested for drug offences and in the case of one girl, she had two kids by year 11..

Although I grew up in a single parent household, i was lucky to have an amazing mum who encouraged and kept me on the right path. I then left school and self taught my A-Levels (no tutor, literally my own books, sat as a private candidate at another school and the corresponding exam board’s syllabus) As such, I got into university on my own and got onto one of the most difficult and over subscribed courses - medicine. I did not get the contextual ‘help’ of having my school etc taken into account and I turned up to sit the entrance exam with everyone else. We were told on that day that only one of us would get a place that day, and scholarships were equally as sought after. I had the interview, sat the entrance exam, finished an hour early and came out and cried. As far as I was concerned my chance was over.

The same day I was offered both the place and the scholarship, and obtained an unconditional offer. Today I am a frontline medic and am eligible to join Mensa..

What I am saying is, yes rubbish schools really do not give you the chances that the better ones do, and the networking/funding/peers are all very different too, but CAN be overcome.

It does take a lot of dedication and will but things can be improved. Don’t let your kids coast, OP. Get some revision guides, there is so much info on the exam boards websites, speak to the teachers, use the web, there is a LOT that can be done at home, and sometimes as awful as it may seem, you have to just fill in the gaps. Whether that is right or wrong is kind of a moot point at this stage, but there is plenty that can be done to get them back track, especially if they are bright kids. Good luck OP. Do not let this define them.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but in my experience REALLY bright children do pass the 11+ tutored or not. It’s the borderline ones that get shoved over the line by tuition.

There are many negatives to private school too. Particularly if paying for it means kids miss out on trips, holidays, theatre etc. Some kids also acquire a very unhealthy sense of entitlement or feel pushed into certain careers rather than following their heart.

A high achieving kid will be fine at any secondary. They will be in top sets and truly shine which is amazing for confidence. There are also tons of opportunities for bright state kids like easier uni places (there was a thread on this a few days ago). But if you are really bothered, why don’t you apply for bursaries at private schools. There are loads of them and they often don’t get the applicants.