Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In Laws and Christmas

370 replies

TurkeyTescos · 25/09/2021 21:06

Background I've been with DH for over 15 years and DH has always had Christmas dinner with my family. The reason for this is because MIL spent it with her parents and six siblings. Their family tradition is once all the siblings children (DH and his cousins ect) turned 17 they weren't allowed to go their anymore and where expected to have dinner with friends or relatives from the other side of the family. My DM even hosted sister in law when she turned 17 because she had no where to go for dinner, even though her own mum was a few streets away having a fab time with her own parents and sisters.

2020/21 has been hard for MIL she lost her father to covid and her mother has recently gone into residential care, her childhood home was also sold over the summer. Last week MIL called in to see me and announced that since she no longer has anywhere to go her and two of her sisters will be having Christmas dinner in my house, she then handed me a few pages of printed instructions on how to cook it the way they like it and a running order for the day. I told her it wasn't happening but she (and only her) would be welcome to spend the day with us at my mum's house.

Today at the supermarket my DM ran into MIL and one of her sisters The sister started shouting at my DM that she'd ruined Christmas for them by purposely keeping them apart, that she was greedy for expecting DH and I to spend this Christmas with them when we'd spent every other Christmas together. MIL also shouted but DM glazed over it and said she spent most of the time crying hysterically while her sister done the shouting. I suspect DM doesn't want to upset me with what was really said.

I'm fuming, but I know it's best to sleep on it before confronting her tomorrow. She will need to be told that she was completely out of line speaking to my mum like that, who has quite rightly rescinded the invitation for dinner

AIBU by telling MIL she isn't welcome to spend any part of Christmas day with us? I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family. Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year ?

DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves. They all also have children so I don't know why I've been singled out tbh.

OP posts:
Namechangedzzz · 26/09/2021 16:18

I completely agree with @jux - do not give her your mum's phone number. There is no need. Otherwise she could be phoning and guilt tripping her or screaming at her. It sounds like she wants to make sure she can still come because her other option has gone and that is the only reason. I agree with pp who have said a text from DH saying that there is no need to talk to your DM, she understands the disappointment but the decision is still the same = no invite. I think if it is in a text she can't ever deny she was told

SeasonFinale · 26/09/2021 16:18

Up to you whether to say none of them can come now or you can still come MIL but it is you alone and on our timetable not yours take it or leave it.

SeasonFinale · 26/09/2021 16:19

don't give her your mum's number she will apologise and then try another sob story.

diddl · 26/09/2021 16:25

Well although FIL might not want his SILs there, he can't stop MIL being in her own house on Christmas Day so there's an easy solution.

And what a miserable bastard he is-to be on his own & see his kid(s?) turfed out.

Original poster
TurkeyTescos · 26/09/2021 18:24

MIL and FIL called into see us this evening. MIL apologised to us and and asked that we send her apologies to my mum. I accepted them and told her my mum and I hold no ill will against her and we're happy to put it behind us. After that I just shut up and let DH deal with the conversation.

MIL says she doesn't know what came over her, that over this past year she has felt like everything she holds dear has just slipped away from her and that the thought of not spending Christmas with at least one of her siblings was too much too bear. She said she'd poured her heart out to her sister as they drove to the supermarket and that's why they were edge when they ran into my mum. I did note no apology was mentioned by her on behalf of her sister.

DH thanked her for the apology and said that it's for the best all round if she didn't have Christmas with us, that she would clearly be happier with her sisters and they've still three months to figure out where to go. There was then a very awkward silence that I was desperate to fill (and usually would) but I said nothing so PIL left. MIL was sniveling into her tissue "but where will we go?" on the way out door but noone answered her.

I think her comment about losing everything she holds dear was incredibly hurtful and it just shows she really is only thinking about herself and can not see the hurt she's inflicting on DH. He has been unusually quiet since they left so I've sent him out to pick up his favourite takeaway and will let him pick the Sunday night movie even though it's my turn.

OP posts:
Dinoroaraus · 26/09/2021 18:27

Sounds like it was handled well

saraclara · 26/09/2021 18:33

Well done. Your poor DH must have really wanted to say " that's what we wondered every year after we were 17" when she sniffled " but where will we go?"

Annonymiss123 · 26/09/2021 19:02

@saraclara

Well done. Your poor DH must have really wanted to say " that's what we wondered every year after we were 17" when she sniffled " but where will we go?"
So true! Never have the words “you reap what you sow” been more apt!
MargosKaftan · 26/09/2021 19:08

Oh your poor DH. He must know his mother doesn't care like "normal" mothers, but however old you are, it will hurt.

Once the dust has settled, you could talk to DH about what nee traditions you'd like to build for dc for Christmas as your family.

RandomCatGenerator · 26/09/2021 19:23

You sound like a lovely wife and daughter, and your family Christmases sound so nice - my heart was warmed by the fact your DH has his own role and all! Your DH handled that so well and so did you. I hope that’s the end of it.

RandomMess · 26/09/2021 19:29

I utterly winced at the "all I hold dear"

Yep how lovely to be slapped in the face yet again that your her siblings mean more than you their child. Sort of thing my MIL would say tbh.

BluebellsGreenbells · 26/09/2021 19:30

Well done for holding your tongue! Did better than me!

That said, how awful is she to her own husband? And son for that matter!! Selfish woman.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 26/09/2021 19:32

When my mil literally spelled out how little she thought of dh he was in a way relieved. Relieved the pretence of a relationship was over... He had no reason to be in her company again. She wasn't going to be a part of our lives anymore... He was hurt and upset and then the relief arrived...
He says he has never been happier.. Been over 6 years now.

NigellaSeed · 26/09/2021 19:38

It's hard to believe people have family or in laws like this. Why would you have then in your life? Demanding an invite to Christmas, instructions, shouting at your mum, honestly, she'd be out of my life so fast her head would be spinning

samwitwicky · 26/09/2021 19:39

@TurkeyTescos

MIL and FIL called into see us this evening. MIL apologised to us and and asked that we send her apologies to my mum. I accepted them and told her my mum and I hold no ill will against her and we're happy to put it behind us. After that I just shut up and let DH deal with the conversation.

MIL says she doesn't know what came over her, that over this past year she has felt like everything she holds dear has just slipped away from her and that the thought of not spending Christmas with at least one of her siblings was too much too bear. She said she'd poured her heart out to her sister as they drove to the supermarket and that's why they were edge when they ran into my mum. I did note no apology was mentioned by her on behalf of her sister.

DH thanked her for the apology and said that it's for the best all round if she didn't have Christmas with us, that she would clearly be happier with her sisters and they've still three months to figure out where to go. There was then a very awkward silence that I was desperate to fill (and usually would) but I said nothing so PIL left. MIL was sniveling into her tissue "but where will we go?" on the way out door but noone answered her.

I think her comment about losing everything she holds dear was incredibly hurtful and it just shows she really is only thinking about herself and can not see the hurt she's inflicting on DH. He has been unusually quiet since they left so I've sent him out to pick up his favourite takeaway and will let him pick the Sunday night movie even though it's my turn.

Reading this gave me so much joy. That may sound really awful. But you reap what you sow...

I'm so happy you didn't attempt to 'fill the silence' (I'm learning how to do this!) and I'm even more over the moon that your DH told her she wasn't welcome to your Christmas celebration.

But I'm most ecstatic that your FIL is continuing his Christmas tradition of being alone and has no intention of changing this in favour of his wife Grin

WhenwillSleephappen · 26/09/2021 20:01

Wow. Just wow. I can’t believe she would be so cruel and uninterested in her own children!

Well done for staying firm. He’s lucky to have you and your family and you should most definitely begin some wonderful traditions of your own!

billy1966 · 26/09/2021 20:43

Well done for following your husbands lead and not filling the silence.

Poor man.
I can only imagine Christmas was the tip of the iceberg if his mother was prepared to abandon them at 17 on such a traditional day.

What a thundering disgrace she is.

FIL is no better but good for him giving her bums rush for trying to impose on his Christmas alone.

What a pair.

I would think some counselling would be hugely beneficial to your husband as he navigates fatherhood and has complicated emotions bubble up.

I think as he sees ye raise a family together and love them so much, inevitably "how could she/they" may bubble up which can be so painful.

Flowers
diddl · 26/09/2021 21:13

It's just so hard to comprehend isn't it?

Neither parent wanting to be with you on Christmas Day!

SeasonFinale · 26/09/2021 21:57

Not only showing that she doesn't hold DS swar but also your DD her DGD.

CorpusCallosum · 26/09/2021 22:16

It's unbearably cute that you gave DH his favourite takeaway and film choice tonight 🥰

CattingT · 26/09/2021 22:19

Your ILS are all barking.

Wet kipper to the head for the lot of them.

MzHz · 26/09/2021 22:22

@CorpusCallosum

It's unbearably cute that you gave DH his favourite takeaway and film choice tonight 🥰
I agree. Love you @TurkeyTescos, you’re a good egg 🥚
echt · 26/09/2021 22:26

Lovely ending to the evening, but I need closure: what takeaway, which film?

Feedingthebirds1 · 26/09/2021 22:40

I know this is all sorted now, but do remember that by saying MIL could come to your DM's for Christmas you were going against DH's wishes for his own mother. Let him conduct the relationship in the way he wants to, don't try to force a relationship he doesn't want. That's not your place.

Justilou1 · 27/09/2021 00:38

I know from my own F-ed up family that life’s not a Disney movie. His sounds like a Dickensian novel - or maybe even Bronte! Wow… your poor DH. There’s no way he wouldn’t have noticed and felt the “Everything she holds dear” comments like a knife through the soul. My parents were equally “blindly cruel and dismissive” about me (the girl child). I was wheeled in and out of their narrative like some kind of performing seal (Very Von Trapp - like) and it completely messed with my sense of identity. I’m so pleased that you didn’t extend an invitation and that you and your family are so kind and loving (and real) for your DH. Also that he’s not the sort who’s trying to “fix” the past and pretend it’s all okay now and mummy lives him finally. You’ll never understand the dynamics between his parents properly. That’s their problem. You can only know and love each other, growing together or apart. Sounds like you two are on the right track.