In Laws and Christmas

[TurkeyTescos]

Background I've been with DH for over 15 years and DH has always had Christmas dinner with my family. The reason for this is because MIL spent it with her parents and six siblings. Their family tradition is once all the siblings children (DH and his cousins ect) turned 17 they weren't allowed to go their anymore and where expected to have dinner with friends or relatives from the other side of the family. My DM even hosted sister in law when she turned 17 because she had no where to go for dinner, even though her own mum was a few streets away having a fab time with her own parents and sisters.

2020/21 has been hard for MIL she lost her father to covid and her mother has recently gone into residential care, her childhood home was also sold over the summer. Last week MIL called in to see me and announced that since she no longer has anywhere to go her and two of her sisters will be having Christmas dinner in my house, she then handed me a few pages of printed instructions on how to cook it the way they like it and a running order for the day. I told her it wasn't happening but she (and only her) would be welcome to spend the day with us at my mum's house.

Today at the supermarket my DM ran into MIL and one of her sisters The sister started shouting at my DM that she'd ruined Christmas for them by purposely keeping them apart, that she was greedy for expecting DH and I to spend this Christmas with them when we'd spent every other Christmas together. MIL also shouted but DM glazed over it and said she spent most of the time crying hysterically while her sister done the shouting. I suspect DM doesn't want to upset me with what was really said.

I'm fuming, but I know it's best to sleep on it before confronting her tomorrow. She will need to be told that she was completely out of line speaking to my mum like that, who has quite rightly rescinded the invitation for dinner

AIBU by telling MIL she isn't welcome to spend any part of Christmas day with us? I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family. Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year ?

DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves. They all also have children so I don't know why I've been singled out tbh.

Oh OP, enjoy your first Christmas as a mum. Sod your MIL.

You were trying to be nice but leave your DH to manage his relationship with his family.

Your family sounds lovely and I think sometimes it’s hard for people who have a loving close knit family to understand a dysfunctional family set up.

Step away from your MIL and enjoy being loved by your family, let your husband manage his family relationships. Your DH sounds clued up and happy to be part of your family.

Have a fab Christmas and enjoy your lovely new baby.

Appalling behaviour from them!!

I think that this is a wake up call for you.

Stop being the communicator between your h and his mum. There is a good reason why they don't talk much and a reasonable person like him has no patience for her. Respect that rather than forcing a relationship between him and a person who's banish him for Xmas because of his age.

Enjoy Christmas with your mum. Don't feel guilty that you're not with MIL - being with her sisters is her priority so let her celebrate with her sisters.

I too feel very sorry for the OP's husband.

Parents that were both extremely selfish and a wife that think she knows better than him.🙄

I think it's the height of disrespect for your partner to assume you know best.

He wants to keep his mother at a distance and should be allowed to.

The OP owes her mother and husband an apology for thinking she knows better than them and putting next Christmas for her husband and family at risk.

I think there is always huge ego involved in spouses of either sex thinking they no better than those who have lived it.

So disrespectful.
Your husband is indeed a patient man.

I really hope for your sake OP, you learn from this experience.

Echoing just about everyone no way does MIL get an invite. However I do agree that DH may need your support with his first Xmas as a Dad not because he won't enjoy being a father but because he's not had the model of a healthy family Xmas as a child. He has seen what your family do as an adult which is lovely but those early years might make it hard for him to naturally form new traditions with you and LO.

Read your updates but not all the responses.

Given your MIL behaviour (historically and yesterday) I think your approach is simple. I know others have said leave it to you DH but I disagree. You are also an adult and she has been disrespectful to your DM.

To that end a simple text will suffice (why give her anything more?) ‘Dear MIL, given the unacceptable events this weekend, you and your sister are no longer welcome at my parents home for Christmas Day.’

I wouldn’t give her anything else. Factual, doesn’t argue what was said or not said and makes the point clearly

@Jux

No sympathy for your MIL at all. Your poor dh, how much of a rejection is that, when your parents don't want to spend Christmas Day - of all days! So much about family and love and generosity and togetherness - I can't even begin to imagine how horrid that is. Mind you, his early Christmas Days sound like shit anyway.

So she's spent her children's entire childhood like that. Well, now she can continue to sort herself out with her sisters. It what she's always done, after all.

Sorry, over-invested in this! I am so sad for your dh and the little boy he was (reminds me of my dad, that's why).

I feel the same! You're thread has been on my mind quite a lot OP.

Dear MIL, given the unacceptable events this weekend, you and your sister are no longer welcome at my parents home for Christmas Day.’

Perfect.

Update MIL texted DH to ask for my mums number to apologise for any misunderstanding that may of happened yesterday. DH tried to ring her to talk about what happened but she won't pick up the phone.

He has rang her landline and FIL says she's out but I suspect that she's hiding from any sort of confrontation. FIL told DH that MIL was already upset before her trip to the supermarket as he'd just told her and her sister they couldn't have Christmas dinner in MIL house as it would interfer with his tradition of being alone. So even though MIL had said she was coming with us we were obviously a back up and she was still trying to arrange to have dinner with her sisters elsewhere.

@frazzledasarock you are right it is hard for me to understand his family set up and it is probably because I was lucky enough to have a supportive family growing up I always assume family have your best interests at heart.

@billy1966 I don't agree with all your saying but I respect and hear your opinion.

Posters are right about DH likely needing extra support at Christmas, I've definitely noticed a lack of confidence in him around parenting since DD was born. I'd never connected it to his own childhood until now. He is getting better with reassurance and lots of practice. I think it helps when I tell him I don't have a clue what I'm doing most times either but we'll get there together.

Also I've spoken to my mum this morning she's in good form about it all. Her main concern is how DH feels and she let him know that she doesn't feel any I'll will against his mum.

MIL is being a coward and is afraid she’s lost her place for Christmas.

As she’s not answering the phone, I’m guessing she’s going to pretend nothing happened and call you in a few weeks’ time asking what’s the plan for getting her to your mum’s house on Christmas Day.

Text her now, (with one suggested upthread) or have DH text her, so there’s a record of her bad behaviour.

I do think dh needs to clearly say she’s not invited to Christmas anymore so she knows the option is off the table. And yes he probably does need some support, his parents and the childhood he had with them are obviously not great examples.

Oh my, het chickens are coming gone to roost aren't they seeing as FIL doesn't want her there

FWIW in the 37 years I have lived away from home my DP's have only visited twice for Christmas. In the early days I did say I wasn't dragging dc away from home on Christmas Day ( we weren't invited to Mum's anyway) but anyone was welcome at hours

DP's chose to spend Christmas aboard rather with us and while that's their choice it did hurt they didn't want to a point end Christmas with their grandchildren

Last year as they thought they couldn't go away they threatened to come to us, no bloody way we've got to enjoy the peace

H should text her back and tell her to call if she wants your mum's number. I am pleased that FIL has said no to her too. She has brought this all on herself but at least she'll be able to book a pub or restaurant now

I think your dh is going to need a lot of support as a father full stop given his strange family set up. It will be hard for you to understand if your own family were stable and loving. It will be bringing lots of bad and difficult memories up for him.

My dh had a less than ideal childhood and it had an effect on his parenting although he actively worked to do right by his children and has succeeded.

He jokes about me growing up in The Walton's but he genuinely is surprised by some of the things my family did (ordinary normal loving stuff). I'd imagine your dh sort of thought how he was treated was normal if he thought of it at all.

Not only will he realise actually it was all a bit odd, with his own DC when he sees their joy, excitement etc He may think "how COULD they?!"

My dh said his parents only showed him how not to be a parent but he'll never understand HOW they could be like they were and it was like he was rejected all over again

Don't give her your mum's number under any circumstances! If she agitates about it just brush it off "no need, mum's fine, she understands" or something.

When your dh eventually gets to talk to MIL, he will say no to her won't he?

What an awful pair your ILs are-well matched!

Hang on, what's happening with the grandparent in the home? Have I missed something or is MIL and the sisters just forgetting all about them now?

How about something along the lines of

Due to you taking it upon yourself to ambush and bawl out my mother in the supermarket, I am withdrawing your invitation to Christmas lunch with us.

And stick to it.

I'd do it myself rather than leave to your DH.

What a strange setup.

@NippyNippy

Hang on, what's happening with the grandparent in the home? Have I missed something or is MIL and the sisters just forgetting all about them now?

I did wonder about this but assumed she wouldn't be allowed out for the day due to COVID or another reason I do know the care facility she is in lets the residents out for the day, within reason.

I don't really know the Grandmother I've only met her on a handful of occasions and it's always been overly formal. DH says she is still as sharp as a tack and with it mentally she's is just frail physically and that is why she is in the home for support.

What the fuck did I just read? Your DH has spent every Christmas with you because that's the way she wanted it. She doesn't get to change the rules now. She's made her bed xx

Well she’s got herself in a pickle hasn’t she?

Good on FIL saying No! I hope DH and all the cousins/siblings say the same!!

Tough luck!

OP, your DM sounds great. I'd buy her something nice and tell MIL to cook her own dinner at her own or one of he DS's homes.

End of.

Do you know what happening with the other 3 siblings ?

@BananaPB

Do you know what happening with the other 3 siblings ?

Two are going elsewhere, I think with their own children but I'm not certain and one is going on a retreat.