In Laws and Christmas

[TurkeyTescos]

Background I've been with DH for over 15 years and DH has always had Christmas dinner with my family. The reason for this is because MIL spent it with her parents and six siblings. Their family tradition is once all the siblings children (DH and his cousins ect) turned 17 they weren't allowed to go their anymore and where expected to have dinner with friends or relatives from the other side of the family. My DM even hosted sister in law when she turned 17 because she had no where to go for dinner, even though her own mum was a few streets away having a fab time with her own parents and sisters.

2020/21 has been hard for MIL she lost her father to covid and her mother has recently gone into residential care, her childhood home was also sold over the summer. Last week MIL called in to see me and announced that since she no longer has anywhere to go her and two of her sisters will be having Christmas dinner in my house, she then handed me a few pages of printed instructions on how to cook it the way they like it and a running order for the day. I told her it wasn't happening but she (and only her) would be welcome to spend the day with us at my mum's house.

Today at the supermarket my DM ran into MIL and one of her sisters The sister started shouting at my DM that she'd ruined Christmas for them by purposely keeping them apart, that she was greedy for expecting DH and I to spend this Christmas with them when we'd spent every other Christmas together. MIL also shouted but DM glazed over it and said she spent most of the time crying hysterically while her sister done the shouting. I suspect DM doesn't want to upset me with what was really said.

I'm fuming, but I know it's best to sleep on it before confronting her tomorrow. She will need to be told that she was completely out of line speaking to my mum like that, who has quite rightly rescinded the invitation for dinner

AIBU by telling MIL she isn't welcome to spend any part of Christmas day with us? I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family. Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year ?

DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves. They all also have children so I don't know why I've been singled out tbh.

Flip me-that’s next level weird, awful, downright nasty level form of cheeky fuckery

And it’s a firm NO from me too. Let DH sort out the woman who gave birth to him

@frazzledasarock

Why do so many women on here do this?

Your DH has a cool slightly distant relationship with his mother. Predates you.

Yet you ‘step in’ with communication.

Why?

I have a friendly relationship with my MIL, I like her a lot.

I’m never ever going to ‘step in’ with communication with her though. That’s between her and her son. My DH also tends to be haphazard in contact with his mum because she does favour SIL. That’s their business and family dynamics. Why would I take it upon myself to go over my DH’s head and direct communications instead of letting him get on with it.

You’re both reaping what you sow really. MIL is now facing Christmases having to do her own thing, and you’ve got a taste of what your DH us been trying to avoid over the years.
She’s his mum let them get on with their relationship.

And you’d be a fool to still go ahead and do Christmas with your MIL & her sisters after their behaviour. Why do you have this compulsion to act as a doormat?

This.

Why on earth are you even inserting yourself into this whole batshit situation?

The entire thing is utterly bizarre - cutting loose your kids at 17? Giving them a countdown to when they’re no longer welcome at Christmas? Issuing diktats and instructions? Screaming in shops? Who the fuck are these people?! The image I love the most is FIL eating in peace with the cat …

Let your DH uninvite her and tell her why. Job done.

I'd take this line with her.
For 15 plus years you abandoned your child on Christmas Day.
You made the rule.
So we wish to continue that rule.
Never ever invite her to Christmas Dinner.

"After the way you and your sister treated my mother yesterday, you are no longer welcome"

Or better still, delivered by your DH, with MIL instead of mother.

I'd be telling the MIL she can fuck off, and when she gets there can fuck off further. "Peace on Earth, and good will to all men" can rightly take a back seat this Christmas.

I normally agree with "leave it to DH" to deal with his mother, but given what you have said, I think you do need to do one last call then leave it to him.

Id go with telling her you are angry about how she spoke to your mother, pointing out your mum welcomed mils son and daughter into her home after their own mother rejected them at Christmas. Tell her she didn't care about if her own children had a nice Christmas day as adults so you don't see why any of them should look after her now.

Then leave it to DH, im learning too that if a woman has to keep the relationship with her ILs going, theres a reason the son didn't want to make the effort. Back right off. If you never see them again, does it matter?

This is one of the oddest things I've read on here. The 17 year old rule is horrible. I agree with the many PPs do not ever host those women for christmas dinner - or any other meal! I'd be going no contact with the aunties and serious low/no contact with MIL.

I'd let you DH deal with his mother as long as you know he will be strong enough with her. I've always found adult children don't generally keep a distance from their parents witbout a reason so I'd follow your husbands lead rather than trying to put yourself in the middle. If the family were that cruel in Christmas Day, who knows what else went on during his childhood.

If MIL does approach you, say something like 'We are not changing our longstanding traditions just because your situation has changed. If you and your sisters think I will play ruin my Christmas day by running around to you demands, you are living in a fantasy world. You are not invited to my mum's after the behaviour in the supermarket. The conversation is over."

Your mil should be cut off or at the very least I would shave stern words with her for daring to speak to your mum like that. Your mum was kind to extend an invite to her in the first place. If mil had spent Christmas with her own children since they turned 17 is it any wonder Your dh always spends Christmas with your parents? I would spend Christmas how you intended, mil and her sisters can work it out themselves. If you are feeling kind you could host mil over new year but I would only consider that if she gave your mum a grovelling, heartfelt apology.

This cant be true! MIL has six siblings - so there are SEVEN of them.

Seven people who will happily spend Christmas with their children for 16 years and then never again? Seven different people agreed to that? And not just them - but their partners/ spouses aka those children’s’ other parent all went along with it too. Either going along with spending Christmas without their own, still teenage, children or spending Christmas without their partner/ spouse depending on whether it was all of the siblings’ partners who weren’t invited or just your FIL. Or were the partners invited until their children turned 17 and then both were kicked out? If they were never allowed does that mean that there are 7 parents out there who accepted NEVER spending Christmas Day with their children?

I just can’t buy that there are multiple people out there who went along with this.

If it’s as you say then of course don’t host them now. Stay away from the crazy and let your husband deal with it.

@huuskymam

Tell her no over 60s (or whatever age she is), it's your Christmas tradition. I wouldn't have invited her in the first place over her rule of no kids over the age of 17. That's shocking.

Yes

I'd have told them to get fucked at the presentation of the list . The absolute audacity of expecting someone to cater to your every whim like a maid at their expense when you haven't even been invited! There is no way on earth I would ever have MIL or her siblings at any Christmas now or in the future and I'd be telling her that myself. I wouldn't be polite about it either.

Had to chuckle that they gave you a printout of how and when they want things!

As you're DH is more assertive with her than you then let him ring her. A simple 'fuck off' should do the trick!

Actually, the more I think of it, the more you should quietly back away from any relationship you may have with MIL and her ilk.

This shit is nasty, insidious and neglectful and I'd bet it's not the only divisive tradition that they held over their poor children over the last 30-40 years, undoubtedly started by one of them or your DH's DGP's.

Take your cue from your DH and his siblings and cousins. You've tried to do a nice thing here and your Mum
got burnt by the toxicity that runs through them.

That can never happen again.

Follow your DH's lead and keep them all at arms length. Maybe worth your DH having a look at the Stately Homes thread running here on MN. I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg.

To answer some questions yes DH core family have always spent Christmas apart. He's never had dinner with his dad because FIL always spent Christmas alone, FIL says he prefers it that way. FIL sisters, partners and neices and nephews all go out for dinner to the local carvery on Christmas and this is where DH went between his banishment and meeting me. FIL would always be welcome with them but just has dinner in his own.

DH said growing up they were allowed to bring one toy up to the GPs massive house and all the cousins would sit in one of the front room together and play while the sisters and grandparents would cook and hangout in the kitchen, the kids weren't allowed in there. He says it was a long day and they would be up there early morning but wouldnt eat until after 7pm when they where called into the dining room. He says he can remember one Christmas when some of the sisters husband's where there but by the time the oldest cousin was 17 they where all divorced so once booted out the cousins could have spent it with their dads. If DH or SIL hadn't of found somewhere to go MIL would have brought them a plate down like she does for FIL after she was finished at her own parents house.

Some posters are being harsh by saying I dropped my mum in it. MIL isn't usually this crazy and I never expected she'd verbally attack her in the supermarket. My own family operates an open door policy at Christmas. My dad always says "sure it's only a matter of peeling a few extra spuds". It wouldn't be creating extra work for others as I do most of the cooking getting all the sides and turkey ready, while DH has found his own role being the "Ham Man". My siblings are hopeless cooks so the years they're with us they chip in by contributing towards the food and my dad's job is to make sure everyone's wine glasses are topped up. Mum sets the table up but spends most of the time playing with the grandkids. We've always had lovely no fuss Christmases and they thought of leaving people out especially when you have room to host is completely alien to me. I did know inviting MILs sisters would change the dynamic too much and that's why I told her no to them straight away.

This will also be my first Christmas as a mum, after trying for 8 years. I thought MIL would like to spend it with her grandchild but I can see now her reasons for wanting to spend it with us are
purely selfish and that she is indeed now reaping what she sowed.

Your poor mother being verbally assaulted like that.

Excellent advice to hand this over to your husband.

Under ANY circumstances I would not have that woman near my Christmas EVER.

She is a disgrace and IMO abusive towards her children by doing what she did when they were teens.

She is a deeply selfish person and you need to cop yourself on to what is staring you in the face.

Your child does NOT need a grandparent like that and I think the suggestion that she go to your mother's was a deeply selfish suggestion by you.

Why should this awful woman be allowed near the lovely Christmas your parents have lovingly created for their family?

This woman has no right to spend the day with your family.
Clearly she would have been demanding and dictatorial and most likely spoiled Christmas for your whole family, which would have been on YOU.

I don't mean to be harsh but you need to give your head a wobble.

Apologise to your mother.

Do not ever do this again.

Allow your husband to deal with his mother completely.

Stop being a pushover and proud of it.

Do not allow this awful woman to ever guilt you again.

This will also be my first Christmas as a mum, after trying for 8 years this Christmas you should have the Christmas you want then. May it be filled with happy memories xx

It sounds like their Christmases are miserable affairs where for some odd reason children are banned. Don't get involved with that.

Given the update about it being your DC's first christmas - why on earth would you want to not be with your family for that given the history!

I voted YABU. as I believe YABU to even consider having them for Christmas, even just this once. Two wrongs don’t make it right, but you cannot honestly be considering inviting these horrid people to spend Christmas with you especially after what they did to your mum. They are big enough, old enough, and certainly ugly enough humans to sort out their own turkey this year.

Enjoy your first Christmas as a mum! Don’t spare a thought for mil.

Your MIL's family set-up sounds like something from 'Logan's Run' (the comment about 'how many Christmases they had left' made me think of it)!

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare who'll ruin your own enjoyment (and that of your family) with her demands and drama. People like that never bother to think about how their actions will affect them later in life, though, they just merrily go around dictating and pissing everyone else off until they need some kindness and comfort.

I wouldn't have her ruining my festivities for all the gold chocolate coins on my Christmas tree.

No sympathy for your MIL at all. Your poor dh, how much of a rejection is that, when your parents don't want to spend Christmas Day - of all days! So much about family and love and generosity and togetherness - I can't even begin to imagine how horrid that is. Mind you, his early Christmas Days sound like shit anyway.

So she's spent her children's entire childhood like that. Well, now she can continue to sort herself out with her sisters. It what she's always done, after all.

Sorry, over-invested in this! I am so sad for your dh and the little boy he was (reminds me of my dad, that's why).

@Jux

No sympathy for your MIL at all. Your poor dh, how much of a rejection is that, when your parents don't want to spend Christmas Day - of all days! So much about family and love and generosity and togetherness - I can't even begin to imagine how horrid that is. Mind you, his early Christmas Days sound like shit anyway.

So she's spent her children's entire childhood like that. Well, now she can continue to sort herself out with her sisters. It what she's always done, after all.

Sorry, over-invested in this! I am so sad for your dh and the little boy he was (reminds me of my dad, that's why).

I agree, I feel so sorry for OP's husband and his sister. Neither of their parents did right by them. Their dad could easily have taken his two children out with his own family (who all met up and welcomed OP's husband when he needed them). Instead, he too put his own wants ahead of his children.

Your husband is very lucky to have found you and your family OP.

Given your update as first Christmas as a parent, definitely uninvite MIL and do back away.

But while Christmas day has been the reason for this thread, more importantly, you need to support your DH. Becoming a parent often can make you reflect on your own childhood and your own parents' decisions. Your DH may find it hard to process how badly he was treated as a child. Christmas is the highly visual point when your PIL were bad parents, but its unlikely they were loving, caring, child-focussed parents the rest of the year and just lost it on 25th December. Emotional neglect is hard to process, because while everyone knows if you dont feed your child or if you hit them that's wrong, and the now adult "child" can see their parents were wrong, just not caring is hard to realise is wrong, until it hits you that you love your own child unconditionally and would prioritise their happiness over your own, so why wouldn't your parents do that for you?

Dont have your MIL there at Christmas and be prepared to make some space on the day to support dh in what could be an emotionally charged day.

I always step in with communications between DH and MIL he has zero patience with her which is the opposite demeanor he has with everyone else. After her behaviour I think he is right keeping her at arms length and I should just let him deal with her instead of trying to make everything nice and keep everyone happy.

You need to back off and let your Dh steer the relationship between himself and his mother. It's not up to you to come in and try to pacify things. From now on let communication be between them, whatever way that may be, as she's shown her true colours and has zero respect for you and your family.

Why do they have to go somewhere?

Why not just have Christmas together?

You were daft to invite her!