To really strongly dislike my autistic child

[Candy999]

I am so drained. My DS autistic 6 year old drains every bit of life out of me. No matter what I do for him it is never enough. I can no longer cope with the daily shrieking, screaming, constant outbursts etc. I take him on so many trips out and nice experiences and it’s never enough for him and when we do go it’s just kick off after kick off all the time because everything needs to be his way. When he’s around me all I want to do is lay down and block out the noise and when he’s not here and I have time to do things like household chores etc I just have no motivation to do it as I just want to sit and enjoy the peace.

Currently pregnant with second child and I have no idea how I’m going to cope. My biggest fear is I’m going to go through all of this again with another child. I try so hard to show him love and affection and get nothing back. Yes he’ll ask for cuddles etc but it’s very brief and only because he wants something.

If SS came up to me tomorrow and said someone else would parent him I would happily agree to it. I’m at breaking point.
I contacted my gp a few weeks ago to enquire about some kind of medication for him and we have been referred to the paediatrician but not heard anything back. I just can’t bear it anymore. I love my child more than anything but to be frank theirs times I can’t stand the sight of him.
I want to try and get him into a residential school as feel it would be best all round but I have no idea how to go about this.
I know it’s not his fault but I just feel like why did I have to be the person to be dealt such a crappy life!

@Hollowtree3

Autistic children, not all, see the world very differently. What you might think are nice experiences and days out could be very stressful for your child.

Maybe RTFT - the child asks for these days out.

To add some personal experience, what has worked for us (12yo ASD/SLD son) is establishing routine. Our son has learnt appropriate behaviour based on routine - for example: Being dressed in school clothes means that he doesn't get to play in his bedroom but instead has to play quietly downstairs while waiting for his school bus. Whereas at the weekend, being dressed in other clothes means he can leave his toast until later (because he won't be leaving for the bus) and can go back upstairs to play.

Our son can't communicate his needs either, it's a guessing game.

@ThePotatoCroquette

I have felt like this at points. My ASD child is older now and things have improved a bit. I do think age 5 and 6 were the worst bits. I was being hit, bitten, screamed at. Food refusal (ARFID/sensory issues), school refusal, no affection. Lots of defiance. Because my DC was undiagnosed at that point I thought it was all some failing in me, but I know now that it's not. That helped to stop feeling ashamed and guilty and start understanding their differences. What seemed like fun and building memories to me, was overwhelming and stressful for my DC. I've stopped expecting my DC to give me what I need as a parent and instead I try and give my DC what they need from me. I've stopped trying to impose my image of what family life should be and instead try to adapt to what my family life is. It's not an easy process and having a child with neuro-diversity is a daily challenge. It's often a thankless task and hidden so people don't really recognise or understand your struggles. The first step for me was letting go of what people (including me!) thought out life should be. And to stop trying to change my child and accept them wholeheartedly as they are and love them for that instead of being frustrated with who they're not.

Beautiful post

@Swantastic

You know what, I reckon OP should drop her son off round at your gaff and you can you can show everyone how it is done, you being so bloody fantastic.

nah, just autistic. and yeah, being taken out like that so much is hell on for some autistic people, can be physically painful and can feel like torture.

too much noise or the wrong kind of noise can be physically painful. not being able to block out sounds is exhausting, the busyness of people and things moving everywhere is distressing, or terrifying, moving in randon directions (eg: on lots of rides or at the park,) can raise alertness level to meltdown status, the smells can be downright disgusting and make you want to vomit, you can be too hot, too cold, too, hungry, too thirsty, it's too bright. You don't have control of what is going on, you don't know what is going to happen next.

@Candy999

I’d also like to add the days out aren’t pushed on by me. I loathe days out, I’d happily sit at home all day if I could. He asks me for these days out, he wants to go out and do things and I oblige because I hope this time it will make him happy.

I have asked for help off everyone. The school, the GP, I’ve been referred to ss twice and they haven’t even given me a phone call

I've read through these posts absolutely disgusting. Don't justify yourself you don't need to. It's bloody hard work and I understand when someone is at breaking point. Many of these people will not be experienced and will not know what it's like day in day out to cope with a child with Autism. It varies from child to child the severity of it. Support is extremely slow and just to even get a diagnosis is slow.

I wish I had the answers for you but it seems like you are making all the right calls it's just your not getting the help yet.

Try to focus on the positives even if they are few and far between you will get there. You clearly care and want him to have a nice time and it's draining when your efforts feel like they have failed.

Managing and coping with these outbursts will get easier in time you'll start to see the triggers and understand how much time to do certain things based on his needs.

Big hug to you and I wish you all the best and hope your supported soon.

Some of the comments 🙄
As they say if you have met one autistic person, you have met one autistic person, my son has severe autism and learning disabilities, that doesnt make me an expert in autism, im only an expert in what works for my child.

6 year olds are bloody hard work anyway let alone adding autism into the mix YANBU OP but I do think your feelings of not liking him would lift if you had some respite. I hope you get the help you need

I've got no advice but I'm sending you the biggest hug OP - you're incredibly brave opening up to the mixed bag on MN. Ignore the bitches

Is his father around? Does he help?

OP I just wanted to say that some of the comments on here are despicable. The whole beauty of an online forum is it allows us to drop our guard and express how we honestly feel and ask for help if needed. That’s healthy and if that’s how you feel that’s your truth. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person or any less of a parent. You are entitled to express yourself here. Please take care of yourself OP. what you are going through is very difficult and you are better to let it our here than bottling it all up. Take the tips and advice from the decent people on here and ignore the rest.

I just wanted to post good on you for fighting the system to get that specialist place for your child that's an exhausting process in itself. Things may well improve with the school's input.

@Mummy7777

Is his father around? Does he help?

Yes me and his father have been together throughout his life. He has his own business and although he is very supportive the main caring is down to me as he is out of the house most of the day providing us with a good financial income

Hi OP, so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Has the GP made the right sort of referral? In my area there is a Children's Disability Team, and that would be the appropriate team. If he is making a safeguarding referral, you won't reach thresholds for intervention. I would ring Children's Services yourself and make it clear you are not coping and problems could escalate due to arrival of newborn. Be dramatic and demand an assessment. Keep ringing. Get friends/family members to ring with concerns if you can. 💐

@Mombie2021

Cuddles etc are also not something some autistic children like. He doesn’t owe you affection.

YABVU for that.

Good god who shit on your cornflakes this morning 😳

Please also speak to your midwife about your own emotional wellbeing.

OP, I know it might be different for you over there (assuming you are in the UK), but does he like swimming? Is there a local pool you can take him? My DS is happiest when he in in the pool or the beach. Maybe that might be a place to take him?

@Looubylou

Hi OP, so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Has the GP made the right sort of referral? In my area there is a Children's Disability Team, and that would be the appropriate team. If he is making a safeguarding referral, you won't reach thresholds for intervention. I would ring Children's Services yourself and make it clear you are not coping and problems could escalate due to arrival of newborn. Be dramatic and demand an assessment. Keep ringing. Get friends/family members to ring with concerns if you can. 💐

I wasn’t really aware of these people. I will google the team in my local area and try to make contact ASAP thank you

My ds is now 15, he has ASD, adhd, GAD, spd. It’s been hard. Really hard. People and even close friends and relatives have no idea how hard it can be. I love my ds intensely. I advocate for him at every turn. I always will. OP I used to go into my DS bedroom when he was fast asleep, hold his hand and cuddle him. Tell him I loved him while he slept. I’d literally sit on the floor looking at him and say tomorrow’s another day. I learnt to not compound my days. Walk away when you need to. Go to another room. I also bought EarPods FOR ME! calming music helped me cope. Me and my husband had code words for when we were at breaking point - then exited and the other one would take over . Do you have a partner that can help? My advice is this. Parent the way that fits your child! Don’t think they will adapt to you - they won’t and you’ll battle all day long. If they want pizza and chips everyday, I’m afraid that’s the way to go. If they don’t like going out , don’t think that it will do them good, it probably won’t. You’ll spend the whole day regretting it. Gradually and I mean very gradually you can introduce something new. Always try to show love and compassion for your child. But don’t expect it back. You maybe surprised that one day they say thank you. With ASD in a family the lows are low and the highs are really high. Things other people take for granted will bring you the greatest joy! The best feeling of achievement! Please try to look after yourself too 💐 eat,sleep,rest,repeat. Get signed up to support groups. They are your life line for emotional support and parents that are there no what you are going through! Yes each child is unique, but there problems are not. Sometimes you just need a listening ear and a cry, so it’s important to get the right network around you. Sometimes I just would ring one of the parents from a group I’d joined and say ‘I’m not coping and it’s shit!’ They knew what I meant. You are doing this - and you can do this!

Just a handhold, OP. You clearly care about your son and try very hard to be a good mum to him, so please don't let your feelings in moments like this, or insensitive comments, become a source of guilt and further stress for you.

It is also hard to be positive sometimes at the the end of a long day. I hope you get some good sleep, and hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better. I really hope more help for you two comes through soon.

He probably doesn’t want trips out, he needs a stable routine led home life

My son was the same

My son used to even “fall asleep” at parties 🙄 because he found them over stimulating

I let go in his buggy til he was six and ditto shopping trolley - he needed that as he felt safe. His behaviour is much better when contained like that

Some people on here should be ashamed of themselves, none of you know this child yet you feel qualified to judge based on your own experiences. All children are different regardless of and within any conditions they might have.
Anyway OP if you're struggling to get SS to provide respite try contacting Cerebra, they have a great team who can help if ss are fobbing you off.
You're human, it's not easy raising some sen children. PM me if I can help or if you need to offload, you're not alone xx

It’s fucking tough but the key is getting to know and understand him and how his autism affects him. It might take a few years I’m afraid but that’s what will make the difference.

Understand his sensory needs and how he feels able to communicate, find days out which accommodate them.

Whilst it might have felt blunt, the first few posts had a fair point.

In my area the council have an ASD team.

Also, speak to your MW she can speak to social services, and also refer you for some support with local charities. Home start could also help www.home-start.org.uk/

days out are not going to make him happy. they are not making you happy. just stop.

it is ok to parent the child you have not the one you think you should have, or the one the school thinks you have.

try an hour out. or half an hour.
try somewhere where you can arrange a plan, with a backup plan. eg want to go on swings first, but if they are busy what is the alternative?

as for your second child. they may be autistic too but they can be completely different. (actually, watch out for that as you may miss autism if they present differently to your first child) my autistic children were almost comletely opposite in sensory needs and behaviours. I am somehwere in between the two of them

which senses are hyper, which hypo? is there anywhere that is say, quiet (hyper sensitive to noise, ) but where he can get lots of movement or feel lots of things. preferably free so you can pop in and pop out.

Would have been better posting on the SEN board to avoid some of these responses. You matter too don't forget that. You are doing an amazing job under the toughest of circumstances and although you adore your son( but hate the impact autism has on your family), you are grieving for the life you thought you would have. That is normal and you need to look after yourself. Please don't take to heart the hostile posters comments. Your feelings are valid and you need support not vitriol.