To really strongly dislike my autistic child

[Candy999]

I am so drained. My DS autistic 6 year old drains every bit of life out of me. No matter what I do for him it is never enough. I can no longer cope with the daily shrieking, screaming, constant outbursts etc. I take him on so many trips out and nice experiences and it’s never enough for him and when we do go it’s just kick off after kick off all the time because everything needs to be his way. When he’s around me all I want to do is lay down and block out the noise and when he’s not here and I have time to do things like household chores etc I just have no motivation to do it as I just want to sit and enjoy the peace.

Currently pregnant with second child and I have no idea how I’m going to cope. My biggest fear is I’m going to go through all of this again with another child. I try so hard to show him love and affection and get nothing back. Yes he’ll ask for cuddles etc but it’s very brief and only because he wants something.

If SS came up to me tomorrow and said someone else would parent him I would happily agree to it. I’m at breaking point.
I contacted my gp a few weeks ago to enquire about some kind of medication for him and we have been referred to the paediatrician but not heard anything back. I just can’t bear it anymore. I love my child more than anything but to be frank theirs times I can’t stand the sight of him.
I want to try and get him into a residential school as feel it would be best all round but I have no idea how to go about this.
I know it’s not his fault but I just feel like why did I have to be the person to be dealt such a crappy life!

I'm so sorry you sound like you've hit emotional rock bottom! Is there any sort of autism society or special needs support groups you can research online and see if any are in your local area? I really suggest being brutally frank with your pediatrician and midwife and maybe they can refer you to respite programs. I have had many a days feeling like that with my severely disabled adult son. I've been fortunate in having excellent SN school support that started when he was a toddler. Perhaps a cleaner temporarily to help relieve that burden? Can you get out and walk for a bit of fresh air? Best of luck

I hope you can get some support OP and get into a routine that works for you and your child. It's not easy.

I hope all you perfect parents feel good about yourselves castigating a mother who is clearly struggling. Every single one of you should be ashamed.

Hi Op, although there are some shocking posts here which will have really hurt, most are really supportive of you and your situation. I have no experience, but just like to echo what some others have said, 6 year olds are bloody hard work anyway, plus being pregnant will affect your outlook, that's something you can't control. I wish you all the best, it will get better

You are getting a really hard time by some posters here I'm sorry that you are having to read replies like that when you are reaching out for help. Yanbu to feel how you feel, of course you love your son but parenting a child with autism can be so challenging and I'm sure you are doing the absolute best by your little boy, but you matter too and you will be no good to him if you burn yourself out. What support system do you have? Do you have family ,friends that could help, maybe have your son for a few hours? so you can recharge your batteries. I'm sorry I don't have much advice but I really understand and empathize with your situation sending you unmumsnetty hugs x ps. Aibu can be brutal I think it might be worth asking for your thread to be removed to the special needs section I've found it to be so helpful and compassionate. Take care x

He's an autistic child in a world build for neurotypical people - it's really tough for him. You need to focus on making his environment work for him. Make sure he can communicate his needs and regulate. Look to autistic lead groups for support eg forest schools or charities that are autistic lead. As his mum you need to understand him and his needs as best as you possibly can to fight his corner. If school isn't working, don't let people convince you it is. You need to protect him and ultimately if he's happy, you will be happy. I know it's hard but don't give up.

OP when you're this wrought up, you really, really need help. Can you get back to the doctor's? You can't give out if you're running on empty.

This is the worst thread I've read on Mumsnet in 7 years. Mombie2021's posts are appalling.

Mumsnet admin, those dreadful first posts should be removed.

... and definitely get some respite because you are clearly burned out and that is no good for anyone. Do you have a local charity that runs play sessions or anything? What area are you in?

Shitting hell, some people on here are just horrible! Why kick someone when they’re down? OP is clearly at rock bottom and struggling to cope. #bekind didn’t last long, did it?

OP, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and I am autistic as is at least one of my dc.
It can be soul destroying that you try and try and just get screamed at.

Mombie2021 days out aren’t hell for every autistic child!! Mine love a day out and I personally struggle with staying home. Plus being at home can be really really difficult. You’re making a huge assumption, not all autistic people are the same.

OP, I adore my children but I have had days where being screamed at all day and not being able to do anything right really gets me down. I think you should talk to your GP about your own mood, and ask for a carers assessment from the council.

Trips out are not the issue. The lack of respite is. Please contact ss yourself and ask if they received the referral from your gp.

What is it about trips out that he likes?

I’m disappointed - I thought we were finally moving away from ‘oh isn’t being a mummy the greatest gift and I skip and smile all day long’ - mums and dads, and all carers need to be able to say when it’s just shit and hard and they’re finding it difficult- saves the next person with issues feeling rubbish as they’re not welcoming the endless, draining cycle of parenthood. It’s just about ok to say caring for parents is hard - we should get to the same place about kids too. There is always some joy but sometimes it’s fleeting or hard to find - there is always love too and it seems that’s forgotten- just because a child is hard work is not saying you don’t love them, want them best for them. You can’t completely lay down your own life either - you should be allowed to express feelings without being judged or assumptions made.
It is incredibly hard for you OP, be proud of your honesty, it’s probably helped another person, and hopefully those normal folk with good advice may have helped you a tad as well. I don think the school will help though it probably seems a distant dream in this moment. Look after you, or you can’t look after others - and you’re doing really well for your boy.

OP there is a Facebook page called Better To Be Different - get on there to find support. You are clearly having an awful time and I feel for you - have you spoken to Mencap also? They might be able to support? Is your child at special school school? No judgement here as I am a SEN TA so have a realistic picture of how hard it can be.

If you have the money look at paying for respite care now. Even someone or two people of needed tontake him out for a couple of afternoons a week.

Pffffft

I’m sorry you feel completely helpless and that nobody is helping you. Please though, don’t have a breakdown. As much as it is hard your little boy does need you and you’ve come this far…

I'm a Social Worker with Children and Families. I wish that asking mothers not to have a breakdown had been covered in my education and training. That would definitely have made the past 20 years so much easier for me.

FFS

If you work in the same field as your son - could you have compassion fatigue by the time you get home?

Sounds really tough op, no advice. You've some some good ideas on this thread though

Some posters on here just don’t get it. You can do everything right. Your whole life can revolve around meeting your child’s sensory needs and accommodating their routine. And still they scream.

It’s not because we don’t know them, don’t listen to their cues, don’t observe their behaviour, force them to be ‘normal’. It’s because they are unable to regulate, are unable to control themselves, unable to communicate in a meaningful way even when ‘high functioning’ and articulate.

It does get better by doing these things but not overnight. My child has matured a lot and the meltdowns have subsided. Unfortunately I have a younger sibling doing the melting down now and awaiting assessment.

You don’t hate your child, OP, you hate this situation and who wouldn’t. You need support.

Some days I am utterly overwhelmed by my ASD child. I respond particularly badly if he hits me, or worse chases me, or jumps out on me. I also just find his constant babble at me, demands on me too much.

I suspect I may also be autistic. I often disappear off to another room and sit quietly.

It’s really really hard OP. I get it.

sorry to derail OP but given the appalling posts on this thread, i wonder if anyone might be willing to support a request for a change in moderation policy

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/4358028-Request-for-tighter-moderation-and-a-supportive-attitude?watched=1

@soapboxqueen

Stop taking him places if it causes him so much distress. I understand wanting him to still experience things but he isn't if he can't cope.

When is he calmest? Whatever it is just do that. He doesn't need to do what other kids do. If he needs to be on youtube all day, or lining up cars or watching cbeebies, just do that.

He isn't like other children, make things easy on yourself.

I’m not the OP but mum to an autistic, non verbal, child and seriously ill myself. I didn’t realise how much I needed to hear it’s ok to let him spend lots of time on YouTube/games on the tablet because this IS what he enjoys.

Thank you!

@WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly

Some posters on here just don’t get it. You can do everything right. Your whole life can revolve around meeting your child’s sensory needs and accommodating their routine. And still they scream.

It’s not because we don’t know them, don’t listen to their cues, don’t observe their behaviour, force them to be ‘normal’. It’s because they are unable to regulate, are unable to control themselves, unable to communicate in a meaningful way even when ‘high functioning’ and articulate.

It does get better by doing these things but not overnight. My child has matured a lot and the meltdowns have subsided. Unfortunately I have a younger sibling doing the melting down now and awaiting assessment.

You don’t hate your child, OP, you hate this situation and who wouldn’t. You need support.

If that’s a reference to me, my 16 year old is autistic. We’ve had disappointing and upsetting days, holidays sat in a hotel room because he can’t cope with going out, been kicked out of swimming pools because he can’t cope with the social interaction of physical play, he’s punched and spat at me in the shopping centre while I sit next to him till he calms down.

And what has made the difference IS getting to know him, understanding what he can and can’t cope with, how he can recognise how he’s feeling and what we can do to help him.

OP, you can do this, there may be help out there, try and get an OT assessment.

**Yes me and his father have been together throughout his life. He has his own business and although he is very supportive the main caring is down to me as he is out of the house most of the day providing us with a good financial income

Does he know how you feel? You sound like you need respite. Speak to your husband and see if you can help each other- if he knew how you felt maybe he can take some time off to give you a break. I hope it gets better for you x

my kid has aspergers, the best thing for him is a nice long quiet walk, he likes staying at home and using the computer.

going shops and things is like pouring sugar down the throat of a ADHD kid let alone days out and I dont know what you mean by never enough, they get over stimulated.

Awful as I may sound, I feel for parents with children who are very difficult. Equally awful, I’m not sure I understand why you’d have another? I do think there ought to be automatic respite available. I’m not sure parents with neurotypical children understand quite how hard it is to live with this on a constant.

The op started with saying she strongly disliked someone with a protected characteristic. People with the same protected characteristic are going to react to that and are possibly more forthright about it.

You will also find that people with that same protected characteristic communicate in a different more direct style. this is not rude or uncaring in our community.

People with autistic kids are going to be dirrect and communicate like it is asap as we don't have bloody time to sugar coat it, what with having autistic kids and all that.

some people with autism are going to react at the description of days out with horror due to their own autism. We may have come across many NT parents who do not make adaptions for their autistic children and then wonder why things go tits up.

I live in the netherlands and know exactly what bluntness is. This isnt bluntness, these are just terrible posts.

I've also got an autistic son and he'd be bloody horrified to read how some people have spoken to the OP.

OP, you have all my sympathy. I know how tough it is (parent of a young autistic adult) and I know how you have to fight for everything. It is exhausting, even without throwing pregnancy into the mix.

At this stage, you have two priorities. One is to get a break yourself. You need to dedicate a couple of days to trying to get action from your council. In my area you need 'short breaks', which sounds like more fun than it is - it's an allocation of hours for you to spend on having someone take your son out, or sending him to a Send-specific activity. You also need to set the wheels in motion with your council to get him a social worker. I really kicked against this myself but I was wrong. And you need a carer's assessment for your own needs, especially now that you will have a new baby.

The second thing is establishing routines, if you haven't already.

Regarding going out, I have developed a very thick skin. The National Autistic Society used to have little cards that explained autism and asked for consideration. I had a bag full of these cards, but I never actually gave any out - I think that knowing they were there gave me confidence. (That, and my death stare.)

The autism page is a very useful site, written by a mother with young children.

Hang in there!