To think children AREN'T resilient?

[ElektraAbundance]

Currently pregnant and pondering chilldhood/parenthood etc.

One thing that people always say about children is 'children are resilient' whenever something shit happens and not to worry. Its said to almost absolve absolve adults in the children's lives of responsibility for their actions. But my experience as a professional and a general adult is that no, children arent resilient.

Children just don't have control over their lives so have to go along with stuff. But the results of that often come out in adulthood.

Some random examples off the top of my head:

1. Moving a child's school regularly so they've never done more than a year or two in the same school. The child may learn to make friends easily in new schools due to this so come across as 'resilient' when actually as an adult they end up finding they never felt like they truly had a home and therefore have a fear of change in adulthood.

1. Parent has multiple partners move in and out of the home. After initial confusion the child carries on as usual. Continues playing with friends and seems happy. Parent tells themselves that children are resilient and they seem happy as they are out playing and laughing. However as an adult they struggle forming healthy relationships themselves.

I mean certain things can't be avoided such as bereavements, Parent changing jobs so have to relocate. However I do think adults use the "resilient" line to absolve themselves of any type of damage caused by their actions. Rather than make sacrifices themselves they instead tell themselves their kids will be happy with whatever the adult will be happy with.

Am I right or am I just being negative and actually children are very resilient?

P.s sorry for typos I am on my mobile.

I agree. I think very often it is used to excuse selfish choices.

I agree with you. Why would a child be more resilient than an adult? They just don't have the language to explain how things affect them, so they act out in other ways and are branded naughty or difficult or fussy eaters or bad sleepers etc.
It really fucked me off when my mum used to parrot this anytime I was upset about my son not being able to see or play with any other children for so long due to Covid and having to sit by himself (at 3.5yo's) for 2-3 hours a day while both of us were working.

I agree. Children are expected to just get on with things because how can they possibly be affected by grown up decisions, but they are affected and its not fair to expect them to be resilient all of the time.

Children are resilient. They grow up during wartime, in refugee camps, etc. Doesn't matter its good for them.
Also depends on the point of comparison. Moving schools isn't as much of a big deal as experiencing a death in the family.

I agree with you, OP.
My experience of being moved from school to school (12 in total) did not build resilience; quite the opposite.

You are right OP. But it’s all about level and frequency of stressors and how they are supported with them.

In the context of a loving and emotionally containing family, stressors can build resilience. No stressors means they don’t build the skills and abilities needed to deal with stuff. Too many stressors and they are in survival mode and can’t develop in the optimum way.

Risk and resilience factors are hugely difficult to figure out as each child and their context are so unique, but I think as long as I do my best to create a stable, loving environment and give DC good opportunities to learn about, express and cope with their emotional world, that’s all I can do. That’s my take on it.

People who say children are resilient clearly have very little knowledge of child development. ACEs cause longterm damage, thats something you can’t undo.

I don't think it's true either. Yes children survive all sorts of awful stuff but it affects them as adults. Not acknowledging that worsens the damage I reckon.

CatsArePeople those children are no more resilient than their parents. Children do grow up in wars and in refugee camps. That doesnt mean they should just get on with it. Theyre going to be affected, they're going to struggle later in life. Because they're not resilient. They just don't have the ability to change things.

You are so right. My grandparents moved around a lot but stopped when my mum was 12 because my mum refused to get new friends as there was no point when she'd lose them in a year or two anyway. That's when they finally realized how badly it had impacted the kids

Yes I think this too. Although never thought anyone else would agree and I would be accused of wrapping them in cottonwool. It drives me mad. Someone said it the other day re children coping with all the Covid changes. And I felt like saying - actually I thought children’s mental health was supposed to be in a really bad way across the country? My own child suffered a lot with bullying at age 6 and he became a shadow of himself.

Professional in what OP? Is this your 'professional opinion"?

I agree on the whole OP, a lot of the time it’s banded about in order to make parents feel better about their decisions. However, I do think that children go through experiences, some worse than others, and when managed in the right way or offered support or counselling where needed it can in fact build up their resilience and potentially make them more mature as adults because they’ve gone through those things. But I don’t think that’s what you’re talking about here, there’s a difference between that and selfish bad parenting.

I would actually go as far as to say adults are more resilient as children. Children can be fragile and permanently affected by things they experience.

My DH and I agreed that we would not move our children from school for anything other than an absolute need to move town eg after redundancy , or if we wanted to get them out of school eg for bullying. DH had to move infants school and absolutely hated it. His cousins moved all the time and none were settled or happy.

I think the amount of resilience with which kids deal with things is dependent on a lot of variables about the child, their inherent nature and their experiences so far in life. It's often very hard to judge whether a change or an upheaval in life will bring positives or negatives, strength and growth or withdrawal and upset.

So I think it's a bit harsh to just assume that parents blithely say "Oh children are resilient" because they're only interested in their own selfish goals. Change is a risk, but many changes are made in the hope of benefitting everyone including the children. You just can't always know how things will turn out.

Yanbu however even professionals say this to me. Dc has been dealt with some big life changing chronic illnesses and I'm told he's resilient when I asked for psychological support for him and was told he doesn't need it he's not suicidal. I also have had a life changing injury and I worry how that will effect my dc in the future.
I have a relative whom has multiple partners through out child's life eldest dc has big issues as an adult and teen dc is showing signs (self harm etc) I do think the forever changing parental figures in their lives have caused issues.

I think in some cases it to absolve parents guilt for the bigger mistakes parents make, but for the little things children do need to learn a certain amount of resilience to survive relationships in school, to learn not everything goes their way and when they are disappointed their world isn't going to fall apart.

But the points you mention OP, yes I agree

I agree. It's used as a way to exonerate selfish adults who never put children first.

@leavesthataregreen

I agree. It's used as a way to exonerate selfish adults who never put children first.

Yes I agree with this.

It’s a cop out by some adults

Moving schools isn't as much of a big deal as experiencing a death in the family.

I don't think you can generalise like this.

I wasn't particularly traumatised by the death of elderly family members. I am still 20 years later dealing with the outcome of moving school and bullying.

I think the idea of 'resilience' as an individual characteristic is quite odd . A child or adult suffering through difficult times and coping is sometimes simply due to having no choice. What else are they meant to do?

I grew up in 3 countries.

Made me very resilient. But of course I get not everyone is the same.

It depends on your personality, upbringing etc.

Everyone needs to do their inner work, not blame others....

If you were well supported when you moved - i.e. people understood that moving countries 3 times could be disturbing to a child and gave you what you needed to cope with it - then it wouldn't necessarily be a problem. What made you resilient was the way it was dealt with not the moving itself. That's not apportioning blame to anyone but the idea that 'doing your inner work' is always easy is pretty... well, smug.

Sadly most of the output from this type of childhood doesn't come out until adulthood when the damage is already done.
My BIL and great nephew are classic examples of their mothers choosing men over them