To think children AREN'T resilient?

[ElektraAbundance]

Currently pregnant and pondering chilldhood/parenthood etc.

One thing that people always say about children is 'children are resilient' whenever something shit happens and not to worry. Its said to almost absolve absolve adults in the children's lives of responsibility for their actions. But my experience as a professional and a general adult is that no, children arent resilient.

Children just don't have control over their lives so have to go along with stuff. But the results of that often come out in adulthood.

Some random examples off the top of my head:

1. Moving a child's school regularly so they've never done more than a year or two in the same school. The child may learn to make friends easily in new schools due to this so come across as 'resilient' when actually as an adult they end up finding they never felt like they truly had a home and therefore have a fear of change in adulthood.

1. Parent has multiple partners move in and out of the home. After initial confusion the child carries on as usual. Continues playing with friends and seems happy. Parent tells themselves that children are resilient and they seem happy as they are out playing and laughing. However as an adult they struggle forming healthy relationships themselves.

I mean certain things can't be avoided such as bereavements, Parent changing jobs so have to relocate. However I do think adults use the "resilient" line to absolve themselves of any type of damage caused by their actions. Rather than make sacrifices themselves they instead tell themselves their kids will be happy with whatever the adult will be happy with.

Am I right or am I just being negative and actually children are very resilient?

P.s sorry for typos I am on my mobile.

Depends on the child, depends on the age, depends on the experience.

Some children are fast approach, that's an incredibly stable personality trait. Some aren't. Moving was a doddle for me, I've lived I a few countries, including during childhood. My brother, not so much.

And some children are more 'plastic' and moulded by experience. Again, that's hardwired. This is why some children can have a terrible childhood and end up Oprah, and some end up in prison.

So yes, many children are resilient, many aren't.

Adverse childhood experiences can cause long term damage, however in my personal and professional experience that damage can very much be recovered from, with the right support through childhood and in adulthood

Thing is though, the very idea of resilience in children means adults don’t seek help or support for that damage. The children, once they reach adulthood, also don’t seek help because they no think they should be over and past whatever trauma they experienced.

As a teenager it never even occurred to any adults in my life that my behaviour might be linked to trauma and grief. It was apparently “hormonal” and just me being a difficult teenager.

I could probably have done with some grief counselling, but instead the belief in children’s resilience meant I was just left to it.

I agree OP. I
Work in a setting where I see the impact of adverse childhood experiences on young people. They may appear resilient at the time but negative experiences (often avoidable) have horrible ongoing impacts.
And from a personal experience, my youngest appeared fine during the lockdowns but is now very anxious about the world in general. I feel bad that I had just assumed she was resilient.

Yanbu.
My parents were emotionally abusive. It wasn't resilience that allowed me to cope, I didn't know any different. And even when I did realise some things weren't normal the only choice I had was to either enjoy happiness/ reprieve when it was available, and thus appear resilient, or to always be miserable. You can't change your situation. If nobody cares you're hurt, it doesn't stop hurting, you just learn there's no point in crying.
Plus the full horror of your childhood doesn't really hit you until you're an adult. At which point you either learn to live with it, and 'prove' children are resilient. Or you struggle, and demonstrate that as an adult you can't even cope with the knowledge, but as a child you coped with the lived experience, thus proving children are resilient. Either way, it feeds the false assumption children are resilient.

I am resilient because of my childhood, but from the pov that nothing else will ever be that bad, with no power to change it.

I knew someone that was sexually abused throughout their childhood to the point of physical damage. But appeared to have it together as an adult. It was only when their sibling had a child they completely broke down.

In my experience, school and local authorities reach for the word "promoting resilience" as an easy excuse for not giving support when it's needed. Sure, it's good to develop some resilience, but you need to help children to do so, not just leave them to it and blame them if they can't work it out for themselves.

Thing is though, the very idea of resilience in children means adults don’t seek help or support for that damage. The children, once they reach adulthood, also don’t seek help because they no think they should be over and past whatever trauma they experienced.

Absolutely, pedalling the idea that children are inherently resilient gives all kinds of messages about how they should cope and just get on with it. I work with adult survivors of childhood trauma, “I shouldn’t be still affected by this” is a really common theme - because they “survived” after a fashion.

I also think the idea of resilience meaning people are unaffected by their experiences is incredibly unhelpful, resilience is continuing to grow in the face of adversity. You can both be resilient and be deeply impacted by your experiences.

I agree OP. The first example is what happened to me - multiple different schools because my parents valued money and status over the emotional stability and security of their children.

They retired young, millionaires, and I haven't seen or spoken to them in the best part of a decade. They have never met my children.

I am a resilient adult, but I wasn't as a child and I still find it very difficult to build and maintain relationships or feel secure in a situation, even one which I am in control of. I struggle to plan for the future too, even in small ways. I think some of these things were the impact of my childhood and certainly my relationship (or lack therefore) with my parents is a consequence of the way they patented me as a child.

I think you’re right up to a point but are you saying that stability is always the priority over everything? I’m not sure I agree.

Because what you seem to suggesting is that adults should prioritise stasis at any cost over any disruption to a child’s life and I can’t say I think that’s healthy.

For example: clearly bereavement, abuse or bullying are very traumatic for a child. I do think a parent has a responsibility to do everything it can to protect children from the harm of this.

Divorce or moving schools? Not necessarily. Clearly both are difficult. But if you have an absolute prohibition on either it’s quite likely that an adult is being made to suffer as a result. Which is ultimately not great for the child.

If you go too far down this road you are straying into saying no one should ever separate from a spouse, or leave a badly paid job for another one in a different town.

In these circumstances it’s going to be a trade off and it will be hard to the children but it may ultimately be better for them,

Also I am not sure that shielded from any changes in their life is ideal for children. They have to learn to deal with this at some point.

Resilient adults come from secure children.

That doesn't mean that children who suffer loss or upheaval in childhood can't be resilient. It means that children who's parents or caregivers who recognise the upheaval and support the children appropriately will fare far better than those where the upheaval is minimised or dismissed.

Resilience as an adult is a goal to be striven for. It's a truly wonderful thing and it comes from a base of emotional security.

But why shoukd they learn to deal with change as children? It can be difficult enough as an adult.

Sorry by "upheaval minimised", I mean feelings around upheaval being minimised.

@thepeopleversuswork

I think you’re right up to a point but are you saying that stability is always the priority over everything? I’m not sure I agree.

Because what you seem to suggesting is that adults should prioritise stasis at any cost over any disruption to a child’s life and I can’t say I think that’s healthy.

For example: clearly bereavement, abuse or bullying are very traumatic for a child. I do think a parent has a responsibility to do everything it can to protect children from the harm of this.

Divorce or moving schools? Not necessarily. Clearly both are difficult. But if you have an absolute prohibition on either it’s quite likely that an adult is being made to suffer as a result. Which is ultimately not great for the child.

If you go too far down this road you are straying into saying no one should ever separate from a spouse, or leave a badly paid job for another one in a different town.

In these circumstances it’s going to be a trade off and it will be hard to the children but it may ultimately be better for them,

Also I am not sure that shielded from any changes in their life is ideal for children. They have to learn to deal with this at some point.

You've got a point, but I think the thing is that it's fine to divorce or move location, but you can't do that and just think 'oh children are resilient' so you don't have to actually do anything to support them

My parents expected us to just go along with multiple house/school moves because they thought it was the best thing for the family. I'm sure it was from a financial point of view and they had brilliant careers, but we were left to just get on with it. It was really very damaging to me as a child and I had no support because my parents were busy setting up their new lives and working while I was confused, unsettled and scared a lot of the time.

I think that children are resilient, which is not to say infinitely resilient.

They have to (and are designed to) deal with constant change: new classes and classmates, learning new skills all the time in peer groups not of their choosing etc etc.

They need to be made to feel loved and supported but, provided that is there, they can bounce back from all sorts of disappointments.

Things like moving house, divorce, new locations etc are more traumatic to adults. They become traumatic to children of adults tell them how bad it will be.

I think lots of children are resilient. But some aren't

Yes, I agree. I used to believe it because I heard it stated as fact so often, but I now think it's bollocks. It's mostly used to downplay the effect of parents' decisions on their children. Countless adults have problems that date back to their childhoods.

I think people confuse ‘resilient’ for ‘accepting’. Children generally accept and adapt to situations because they have to. That doesn’t mean it’s good. Totally agree re. changing schools lots and multiple partners.

Troubled adults often blame their childhoods.

However, that does not mean that it is true. It could be their intrinsic character.

Realistically, some people are more resilient than others, so some children are too.

And who we all become is a combination of our childhoods and our genes (obviously…).

I think children are often resilient during childhood, but the things they have experienced as children can very negatively affect them as adults.

I was sexually abused as a child. At the time I just got on with my life. It’s only really sunk in now, as an adult.

I agree that it is often used as a cop out for people who do not put their childs needs before their own. However, I do think that we can also teach and encourage resilience in life and that over protecting children does the opposite. I guess it depends what they are being resilient to?

I am a child that grew up in scenario 2. I am happily married and have never had relationship problems. When my mum's relationships would break down, she'd often explain what was wrong with him (or I observed and made my own conclusions). As I grew up I started realising that my mum had some messy expectations too. I don't go around calling myself resilient. However, I have never accepted crap from any man and it has served me well to date. As a teen, my mum did encourage therapy because she thought that my changed attitude towards her relationship break downs meant I was going through something. If anything, I was annoyed that she thought I MUST be going through some mental health issues. Saying 'I am fine' almost made it worse. Sitting in therapy felt like a cruel joke. The therapist was lovely but honestly I really didn't have issues to unpack, and many suggestions that she gave me were unrealistic (I was a teen with poor parents and no access to many resources). After around 7ish sessions, I told the therapist how I felt about therapy and she seemed to understand/respect it, so she ended the sessions. Other kids might have needed the therapy, it'd be perfectly understandable!

Either way, I would never apply the 'kids are resilient' line in either scenario in the first place. I mean sure, if you move a kid between schools once, maybe twice, and the setting fits them then why press the issue more than that if they seem happy and tell you as much. We're supposed to take a few knocks in life. But moving them around more than that and then saying 'kids are resilient' is thoughtless, selfish parenting. I also would never parade a myriad of lovers in front of my kids, because it's just fked up tbh and I don't want my kid to be 'resilient' but weary of me.

There are so many threads on here where people are moving and asking for advice, typical response is your the adult just go, they’re resilient, they will adapt

As a child I went to eight different schools. I’m 100% certain people would describe me as resilient. In reality it’s a miserable experience especially when you get to secondary school. That gut churning hell of being the new kid, having to make new friends, having the wrong accent, etc etc.

Now I have no sense of home, have no friends from school, nothing to anchor me to a location. Most hated question is where are you from. I resolved never to do that to my kids, I love seeing that they have friends from their early school days, senior schools that they connect with and a community that they recognise. At the same time they have travelled and been given the freedom to explore independently when they chose to do so.

Children aren’t always resilient.

I have worked with children for over thirty years. Behaviour says a lot.
Within the same family behaviour responding to what they have seen or lived with can be quiet different. The stress they live with. I used to worry about some when I went home and even now two years on from resigning there are two I worry about. I hope I helped them to some extent. They trusted me. That was a big step.

Yanbu, whever an adult outs a child in a bad situation and can’t be bothered to sortnit out, they say ‘oh well they can learn resilience.’ I hate it.

You don’t learn resiliby being let down by the adults who are supposed to look after you, you learn lack of trust.

It's rarely the experience itself that causes trauma. It's how it is managed. You can move many times but if your parents are there to talk to you about it reassure you that it will be hard at first, there to listen to you cry when you first get home and reassure you, go and speak to your teacher, even move you school if needed, the experience will likely make you stronger without damage. It's if you are left alone to deal with, feel that noone will listen to you that it will leave a negative print.

Similarly, if a mum stays where she is just so the kids remain in the sane school, but she ends up depressed and resentful, even if she doesn't mean to be, it's likely to reflect in her interaction with her kids and leave them with psychological issues.

It reminds me how my mum would always tell me if I asked her if something would hurt because she said she always wanted to be honest with me. I so valued knowing she was telling me the truth. I did the same with my children, honest but there for them and they too told me that it made the experience much less frightening.

In my experience children are extremely resilient but I suppose that depends on the child as some may be more prone to MH problems as a result of a childhood trauma / upbringing but that said some children suffer from MH problems having experienced the most blissful and charmed childhood!