To think children AREN'T resilient?

[ElektraAbundance]

Currently pregnant and pondering chilldhood/parenthood etc.

One thing that people always say about children is 'children are resilient' whenever something shit happens and not to worry. Its said to almost absolve absolve adults in the children's lives of responsibility for their actions. But my experience as a professional and a general adult is that no, children arent resilient.

Children just don't have control over their lives so have to go along with stuff. But the results of that often come out in adulthood.

Some random examples off the top of my head:

1. Moving a child's school regularly so they've never done more than a year or two in the same school. The child may learn to make friends easily in new schools due to this so come across as 'resilient' when actually as an adult they end up finding they never felt like they truly had a home and therefore have a fear of change in adulthood.

1. Parent has multiple partners move in and out of the home. After initial confusion the child carries on as usual. Continues playing with friends and seems happy. Parent tells themselves that children are resilient and they seem happy as they are out playing and laughing. However as an adult they struggle forming healthy relationships themselves.

I mean certain things can't be avoided such as bereavements, Parent changing jobs so have to relocate. However I do think adults use the "resilient" line to absolve themselves of any type of damage caused by their actions. Rather than make sacrifices themselves they instead tell themselves their kids will be happy with whatever the adult will be happy with.

Am I right or am I just being negative and actually children are very resilient?

P.s sorry for typos I am on my mobile.

Very correct OP in fact stability feeds resilience.

I agree with you. I don’t think children are any more resilient than adults. I also think people confuse resilience and adaptability. Children can be very adaptable. That’s not the same as being resilient.

I agree. I've recently discovered the work of Dr. John Sarno (he was a pioneer into work on chronic pain, and the mind body connection), and then through the Nicole Sachs (she worked with him and now has a great podcast, the cure for chronic pain). We store up so much trauma throughout our lives, especially from when we were children, and for many of us that shows up in adulthood as anxiety, chronic pain and other chronic conditions. I do Nicole's Journalspeak practice now, and it is eye opening the things that I thought I'd just lived through, and dealt with, that are actually triggers for adult behaviours now. I think often children (especially those of us who are adults now, so children in the past) are ignored and not listened to, not allowed to express their emotions and learn to just get on with things, to keep the peace, people please etc. and it all ripples through to adulthood

I agree with you op. My mum died when I was a child. I'm sure all the adults around me were saying how resilient I was. I wasn't. I was actually just terrified and unable to express myself. I didn't want to upset anyone or cause a fuss

This. I actually heard my mum (it was my dad that died) telling people children are resilient when they asked how we were coping. I wasn’t but felt I couldn’t say so as everyone expected me to just carry on as normal.

I don’t actually think I’ve agreed with an AIBU more.
Whether it be Covid / lockdowns or parents who expose their children to partner after partner or anywhere else where I’ve heard the “resilient” phrase used, YANBU.

Totally agree. Many children appear to be coping with tough circumstances, but in reality they are masking or blocking their pain in order to survive.

Childhood trauma can cause PTSD or C-PTSD which can cause lifelong issues. Even if the child or adult gets help it causes permanent changes.

Adverse Childhood Events can significantly shorten lifespan.

Those who have difficult childhoods, particular girls, can have nervous systems that develop differently, particularly in the gut. This is turn causes changes in the microbiome which affects susceptibility to chronic illness and mental/emotional health issues later in life.

@thewhatsit

I don’t actually think I’ve agreed with an AIBU more. Whether it be Covid / lockdowns or parents who expose their children to partner after partner or anywhere else where I’ve heard the “resilient” phrase used, YANBU.

Yes some people have used it a lot during Covid

YANBU IMO it's a phrase oft used by adults who want to excuse their selfish behavior. You only have to read these boards to see the impact your childhood can have on your life forever more. The early years in particular heavily shape a child's personality/self esteem etc.

I think children who have emotionally literate, sensitive, realistic ,responsive, warm and firm parents / caregivers can be remarkable resilient in the face of adversity.

The ACEs are traumatic - because they indicate usually a lack of the above.

I completely agree and think the impact of Covid restrictions and rules on children has been massively underestimated by many.

I tend to agree. My DH's mum moved him and his sister around a lot, and they didn't stay at any school for longer than 18 months till he was 15. He found it really difficult, and was determined when we had our kids that we had to settle down and stay put.

And my mum was a single parent and whilst utterly dreadful in a lot of ways (alcoholic), she kept her relationships far away from me and didn't bring them into my life.

One of the things that sometimes keeps me awake at night is wondering what I'm doing that'll eventually fuck my kids up.

I agree with you OP, and with the PP who made the observation that adaptability is not equivalent to resilience.

We've moved our three DC twice while they were all of primary age (for a three year assignment in the US, so a move out and then a move back to a different location in the UK). Superficially they seem fine and enjoyed the experience, but I'm realistic that I'm not necessarily hearing the whole story, or that we even know yet how it might play out longterm.

And it's not necessarily black and white. I'd say that the DC have definitely gained l in their ability to handle change and new situations, so that is a positive outcome. But perhaps it had impacted them negatively in other ways. The middle DC is currently receiving treatment for health anxiety - I don't think we will ever know if the moves played a part in triggering it. It's something that plays on my mind.

We won't be moving again, even though DH and I are desperately restless and would love to go on another assignment.

I agree. When my DF died everyone thought that my 7 year old DB was fine because "Well he doesn't really know what's going on". He wasn't. They thought that I was fine too because I was 10 years old, which was old enough to deal with it "and anyway children deal with this sort of thing so best leave them to it." I wasn't fine.

I think some children can seem to "cope" just fine but what's really happening is they are storing up a whole heap of issues for when they are adults. If a child isn't "coping" then that's often seen as some sort of problem with the child rather than the shite they're having to deal with. I think it's better now than when I was a child but children are no more resiliant than adults and often a lot less so.

Some children are resilient, some are not. Mine is pretty good at taking things on the chin, but others would struggle with what she has had to go through. I don’t think anyone can claim “children are…..” any more than you can claim “adults are…..”

So in comparison with the lives of kids 30/40 years ago this is the golden age for kids. Not freezing in winter with limited clothes, hit, bullied and with 3 hours television a day.

30/40 years ago where? Even living in the North of Scotland, none of this was true of my childhood over 40 years ago.

@Lostmarbles2021

You are right OP. But it’s all about level and frequency of stressors and how they are supported with them.

In the context of a loving and emotionally containing family, stressors can build resilience. No stressors means they don’t build the skills and abilities needed to deal with stuff. Too many stressors and they are in survival mode and can’t develop in the optimum way.

Risk and resilience factors are hugely difficult to figure out as each child and their context are so unique, but I think as long as I do my best to create a stable, loving environment and give DC good opportunities to learn about, express and cope with their emotional world, that’s all I can do. That’s my take on it.

^^ this. I think its more true to say that children "can be" resilient

Great to hear other people's opinions and experiences.

I will be mindful when raising my children to ensure that they are giving stability, live and support in order to build resilience as opposed to believing negative experiences is what builds the experiences.

ACE'S I haven't heard of before. Very interesting so thank you.

I agree 1000%. One of my friends who doesn't have any children says this to me when I express concerns about how things are affecting my 4yo (covid, moving house, school, new baby etc ect) and I always feel like screaming internally as it is so frustrating because it just sweeps away all the big feelings that he is allowed to have and minimises my worries about how it will affect him long term.
Also I work with sen SEMH and would be out of a job if kids were really resilient to all the crap that adults put them through.

Quite surprised at how many consider moving school an adverse childhood experience? Is it THAT bad?! I can see how for older children it wouldnt be great - but for young ones? I had considered possibly moving back to my hometown in two years when my DC would be 7 and 5. We would have a vastly better quality of life and a loving support network up there. I wanted to move before they started school but it's just not financially viable. Though obviously not ideal I thought early primary would still be ok as we had new children move to our school in early primary and they all settled well made friends and became just like anyone else in the class.

Worried about it now!

Strongly agree.

The resilient kids - and of course, ultimately, adults - are the ones who had the solid-as-a-rock childhood foundation. Not the ones whose resilience was tested at every turn, and so are/were ostensibly resilient.

Of course, there are events and things that happen that can’t be foreseen or avoided - that’s life.

But the best basis for resilience and good mental health as an adult, is a stable childhood with present, loving, engaged, predictable adults (or adult), who prioritise the well-being of their family unit.

@Recessed what most people have said though is that it's ok to have adverse experiences, it's how they're dealt with that's important. So if they have stable loving parent(s), are allowed to talk about any worries they may have and are empathised with with love and patience then it doesn't have to adversely effect them.

To clarify - my ‘or adult’ was to refer to single parent families.

Definitely not to joint parents where one is great and doing all the right things, but the other one opts out.

Some are and some aren’t. They are all different. Some appear to be resilient at the time and are still dealing with the trauma in adulthood.

I do agree with you OP if that’s the circumstances around the use of the phrase.

But in real life among people I really know I’ve only heard “children are resilient” said to reassure parents who are really terribly awfully worried about their child being scarred forever by one totally unavoidable house move or divorce or bereavement.

Generally I would say that children are pretty resilient and you have given some extreme examples. Anybody consistently faced with scenarios you have cited would have problems.

People who say children are resilient clearly have very little knowledge of child development. ACEs cause longterm damage, thats something you can’t undo.

Adverse childhood experiences can cause long term damage, however in my personal and professional experience that damage can very much be recovered from, with the right support through childhood and in adulthood. Research on post traumatic growth has a lot to say about how we support people to grow and recover - adverse experiences in childhood don’t necessarily mean a damaged life.

In saying that, I’d argue children are much less resilient than adults, because they are still developing the cognitive, emotional, psychological resources to cope with adversity.