To think children AREN'T resilient?

[ElektraAbundance]

Currently pregnant and pondering chilldhood/parenthood etc.

One thing that people always say about children is 'children are resilient' whenever something shit happens and not to worry. Its said to almost absolve absolve adults in the children's lives of responsibility for their actions. But my experience as a professional and a general adult is that no, children arent resilient.

Children just don't have control over their lives so have to go along with stuff. But the results of that often come out in adulthood.

Some random examples off the top of my head:

1. Moving a child's school regularly so they've never done more than a year or two in the same school. The child may learn to make friends easily in new schools due to this so come across as 'resilient' when actually as an adult they end up finding they never felt like they truly had a home and therefore have a fear of change in adulthood.

1. Parent has multiple partners move in and out of the home. After initial confusion the child carries on as usual. Continues playing with friends and seems happy. Parent tells themselves that children are resilient and they seem happy as they are out playing and laughing. However as an adult they struggle forming healthy relationships themselves.

I mean certain things can't be avoided such as bereavements, Parent changing jobs so have to relocate. However I do think adults use the "resilient" line to absolve themselves of any type of damage caused by their actions. Rather than make sacrifices themselves they instead tell themselves their kids will be happy with whatever the adult will be happy with.

Am I right or am I just being negative and actually children are very resilient?

P.s sorry for typos I am on my mobile.

The effects of ACE's (adverse childhood experiences) are far reaching and have a massive effect that reaches through the persons entire life. Kids are not resilient, they are good at adapting to their environments and upbringings but there is a cost to that adaptability. A child who moves frequently, for example, gets very good at making new friends, but not at retaining them. As an adult they might change jobs frequently, move areas themselves, struggle to have lasting romantic relationships, or become very anxious. It's not that they just bounce back unscathed.

I had a chaotic childhood that has impacted every part of my adult life. I remember the adults around me at the time saying how 'cool' and 'impressive' it was that I didn't let it bother me. It DID bother me, but I was just so used to no one caring, that I stopped showing it and became little miss stoic.

I agree OP. Children are no more resilient than adults and actually often lack the skills to cope, but often internalise their feelings. I hate it when people say it too, usually to make themselves feel better about something. A certain amount of difficulty in life is unavoidable at times, but it's best to appreciate it's hard for them and support them than just say 'they're resilient'

Children are only resilient if you actually work to build resilience. Moving aged 12 after being wrapped in cotton wool will likely ruin a child's confidence - but if that same child had years of independence through play, access to making friends without parental input, used to things like getting minor scratches in the playground when playing or something, all the wee things would add up and the child would be fine.

Often resilience is just used to excuse giving a child trauma though which is awful.

How you are affected by your ACEs entirely depends on you relationship with your support network. Everyone will have some adverse childhood experiences building resilience is about making sure a child feels secure in their care givers love and support regardless of the external.

I moved schools loads and found it to be exciting. I’m 34 now and still not traumatised buy it.

My mum brought 2 step parents into my life.
I wasn’t traumatised by them coming or by them going because my mum handled it carefully and always made sure I knew I was her priority.
I have seen a lot of ‘step-parents’ come and go when they aren’t shagging mum/dad anymore and I do think that can be very harmful. Especially if the ‘step parent’ has been around for their living memory or if they disappear suddenly

As a result of my experience (with other people not as a child) I don’t do step parents.
None of my partners gain authority over my child by bumping genitals with me and the ones that can’t handle that get dumped ASAP

Basically, yes traumatic experiences don't build resilience. Children can cope with trauma better if the resilience is already there - but having a childhood built on trauma won't make that child resilient, it makes them traumatised.

What DOES build resilience:

• Minor fall-outs with childhood friends
• Falling over in the playground or at the park and enduring a cut knee
• Learning why crying happens, that it's okay to cry and show emotion, and how else to manage their emotions
• Support to be independent from adults
• Knowing they have a consistent, important person in their lives that they can trust and talk to about feelings and life without shame
• Being given space for independent play
• Not feeling shamed for having emotions

You are so right in what you say. I could not agree more.

Also adults conflict 'resilience' with 'children not showing emotion'. Children need to be able to show emotion safely for resilience to build. Resilience is built on trust and emotional regulation.

@GalaxyPostcard

Also adults conflict 'resilience' with 'children not showing emotion'. Children need to be able to show emotion safely for resilience to build. Resilience is built on trust and emotional regulation.

This exactly.

I was considered "resilient" as a child. The truth was I had PTSD and had completely shut part of my memory off. YANBU

Yab massively U
Some children are. I am and had a shit shit early life.
Telling children they are not resilient is a negative narrative.

Absolutely!

I would never move my children’s school. The amount of friends l had who had really suffered through this.

Resilience is just another word for being unable to articulate how they feel.

Telling children they are not resilient is a negative narrative.

No one is telling kids this.
But telling kids they're resilient and will get over whatever is affecting them happens a lot and is basically telling them that their feelings don't matter, they're resilient so they should just get on with life.

I agree 100%. Children cope with things because they have no choice - that doesn’t not mean they are not negatively affected. Resilience implies coming out stronger in the end or learning from a negative experience - for many children who go through difficult times that is not the case at all. I think people confuse resilience with endurance. Not the same thing.

I see so many parents on education threads saying 'oh, it's fine to change your child's school' and it makes me so sad. Yes, most children can cope, although coping isn't the same as being happy. But I can confirm that even if parents are actually really good and loving, these changes can have a lifelong negative effect on a child's mental health and hence life chances.

I totally agree. Children are not resilient at all. I'm currently doing a course on adverse childhood experiences and it's very evident things like this very much do impact a child later in life. It's an excuse on the parents behalf to avoid the responsibility and acknowledgement that their choices are probably not the best. I am a single parent to a 5 year old and one of the things that terrifies me about meeting anyone new is my fear of them eventually leaving, not just me but also my child. I think I now have developed inadvertant avoidance strategies for this very reason.

Yep, the sooner we kick this fallacy to the kerb the better.
I've written on this subject and regularly challenge this notion in my professional capacity, and it is a relief to see others sharing my view, as I often get looked at as if I have two heads when suggesting this.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I agree. I think very often it is used to excuse selfish choices.

100%

I voted YABU for this sentence:

Rather than make sacrifices themselves they instead tell themselves their kids will be happy with whatever the adult will be happy with.

I have an issue with the idea that parents should make sacrifices. Sacrifices imply that they would something to their detriment for the sake of their dc.
And I don’t think they should.
I don’t think that a parent sacrificing themselves is any good for the child. Actually it will teach them how to NOT have any boundaries and always putting themselves last.

The answer is in between. Children should be expected to adapt to some changes in their circumstances. Like a move to another town because it benefits the parent and therefore themselves too (I’m thinking there, more money, more opportunities etc….).
And parents should also take their dcs into account when making decisions.

But tbh,
1- there is no blanket ‘oh of you move to xxx, then you will damage the child’. Every child will experience moving in a different way.
Eg my older dc was delighted to move due to bullying at his school - even though he only mentioned it AFTERWARDS
Some children won’t see moving as a big issue etc….

2- thé issue with ‘sacrifice’ is that it will easy stop the adult from taking a decision that would benefit them and the child for fear of ‘damaging’ the child
A good example would be a recently separated parent who doesn’t dare moving back closer to her support network. Even though having support would benefit the child in may ways.

Basically the way you are putting things is just too simplistic.

Children are resilient.. It doesn’t mean past experiences don’t affect them though. I suppose the best you can do is support them through change and turmoil. You can’t protect children from everything. Sometimes parents have to move for work. What are they supposed to do? You have to balance the whole families needs.

@CatsArePeople

Children are resilient. They grow up during wartime, in refugee camps, etc. Doesn't matter its good for them. Also depends on the point of comparison. Moving schools isn't as much of a big deal as experiencing a death in the family.

Exactly. Children cope with what is thrown at them, often surprisingly well, especially when they’re well-supported and listened to. That doesn’t mean I’m moving in my new boyfriend of two weeks, but it certainly doesn’t mean I’m committing to living in the same country for my child’s entire education, for instance, or that if a work opportunity elsewhere comes up, I’m going to automatically discount it.

I'm a paediatric nurse. Children are far more resilient Bethan we think. They cope with illness/ injury so much better than adults do. But I do think that they are becoming more and more sheltered and less independent than we were growing up. (80's baby£

My mum used to, and still does, use the phrase ‘you’re so capable’ & I always thought it was exactly to absolve her of ‘responsibility’ & more so, guilt, In situations she didn’t really feel were great. If she can’t support me in something now she still says it. Drives me mad. I want to scream ‘It’s not about being capable, it’s about you being there for me as my mum!’. I’ve also been pondering this during my pregnancy (1st baby). I do think being exposed to lots of environments can be really beneficial, but it needs to be positive experiences obviously! Xo

They are quite resilient though, I think it’s because they’re way more naive than adults.