To think children AREN'T resilient?

[ElektraAbundance]

Currently pregnant and pondering chilldhood/parenthood etc.

One thing that people always say about children is 'children are resilient' whenever something shit happens and not to worry. Its said to almost absolve absolve adults in the children's lives of responsibility for their actions. But my experience as a professional and a general adult is that no, children arent resilient.

Children just don't have control over their lives so have to go along with stuff. But the results of that often come out in adulthood.

Some random examples off the top of my head:

1. Moving a child's school regularly so they've never done more than a year or two in the same school. The child may learn to make friends easily in new schools due to this so come across as 'resilient' when actually as an adult they end up finding they never felt like they truly had a home and therefore have a fear of change in adulthood.

1. Parent has multiple partners move in and out of the home. After initial confusion the child carries on as usual. Continues playing with friends and seems happy. Parent tells themselves that children are resilient and they seem happy as they are out playing and laughing. However as an adult they struggle forming healthy relationships themselves.

I mean certain things can't be avoided such as bereavements, Parent changing jobs so have to relocate. However I do think adults use the "resilient" line to absolve themselves of any type of damage caused by their actions. Rather than make sacrifices themselves they instead tell themselves their kids will be happy with whatever the adult will be happy with.

Am I right or am I just being negative and actually children are very resilient?

P.s sorry for typos I am on my mobile.

*Troubled adults often blame their childhoods.

However, that does not mean that it is true. It could be their intrinsic character*

It is mostly true. ACE scores. The higher the adverse childhood experiences the more troubled the adult. There eas a huge study in the 1990’s about this.

The ACEs study is pretty problematic tbh, there’s some merit in it but it’s far from definitive.

Children are resilient by biological necessity. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution have gone into making a species that can cope with a certain level of change because circumstances do change and the reason that humans are so successful is that we are adaptable.

Does that excuse parents making their children an afterthought? Obviously not. But the examples you give are quite extreme. I've also seen the opposite on here, adults trying themselves in knots over grown up decisions (schools, new jobs, moving areas) on the whims of an 8 year old. That's equally wrong. Small children shouldn't carry the weight of adult decisions.

What’s problematic about it?

I was a teacher just after it came out. We were trained endlessly on how a child’s brain responds to difficult situation. Suddenly everything became about intervention in early childhood to stop problems developing. Isn’t this what was behind Labour’s introduction is Surestart children’s centres?

@Porcupineintherough

Children are resilient by biological necessity. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution have gone into making a species that can cope with a certain level of change because circumstances do change and the reason that humans are so successful is that we are adaptable.

Does that excuse parents making their children an afterthought? Obviously not. But the examples you give are quite extreme. I've also seen the opposite on here, adults trying themselves in knots over grown up decisions (schools, new jobs, moving areas) on the whims of an 8 year old. That's equally wrong. Small children shouldn't carry the weight of adult decisions.

I agree there.

There is also the question of what is ACE. Most people on this thread are talking about parents who are either abusive or neglectful. Is moving house for a better job making you an abusive parent?

There is also some talk about raising your child to be resilient. Is resilience something that is learnt or part of your character as some pp hinted? If a child is struggling with a one. off move, is it that the parents are abusive/neglectful or because the child has never learnt to be resilient?

And then how do you learn to be resilient? Is it. not by learning to cope with. the. normal ups and downs in life? Where do you draw the line? To a move away from. ‘their friends’, a fight between friends at school, not making it into. the squad?
Or is it only yet another stick to beat parents (mums?.) with?

Balance seems to have become a lost art. Life is all shades of grey,, not black and. white

*What’s problematic about it?

I was a teacher just after it came out. We were trained endlessly on how a child’s brain responds to difficult situation. Suddenly everything became about intervention in early childhood to stop problems developing. Isn’t this what was behind Labour’s introduction is Surestart children’s centres?*

As a starting point it doesn’t account for the impact of racism and discrimination, or poverty. Which it wouldn’t because the original research was undertaken by a medical insurance company in the States of their policyholders with a view to establish the population of policyholders most likely to submit a claim. At that time their policyholders would be predominantly white, middle class professions because that’s the population who would hold jobs providing medical cover.

It draws correlation but not causation.

In 1995 there was huge stigma around divorce (hence divorce appearing in the 10 issues on the ACEs scoring sheet) which would be considered much less harmful now. It holds a very narrow view of sexual abuse (ie peer abuse wouldn’t score on the scoring sheet). It is determinative ie X ACEs score = poor outcomes when we know that isn’t the whole picture.

As a guide or framework it’s ok in that it gives lay people a language for childhood adversity, but it doesn’t encompass some very key issues and doesn’t reflect the complexity of childhood trauma, and the many many influences that mitigate against poor outcomes in adulthood.

Was there a stigma about divorce? I got divorced in the 1990’s. I don’t remember any stigma about it.

However, I do think it’s harmful. I don’t know any children who’ve come out of divorce robustly. They may appear so at the time, but it comes out in adulthood.

In middle class US, there would have been - and bearing in mind these people were surveyed as adults who’s parents would have divorced possibly decades earlier.

Divorce isn’t easy for kids but I doubt we’d suggest for the most part divorce is as harmful as sexual abuse, physical abuse or witnessing domestic abuse, which the ACEs score sheet does.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I agree. I think very often it is used to excuse selfish choices.

100% agree.

The moving loads always sticks out to me. My mum moved me across 3 primary schools and 2 secondaries and several houses and towns. My mum continues to move around. I think I didn't fully see the impact until until I was an adult. I mean on top of the lack of long term friends.

When I was at uni my friends went home to their parents and met up with their schoo friends - I couldn't because my mum had already moved. When I had dd1 it was the same - seasonal trips home to parents and secure social bases in their home towns. I still don't have that.

I'm still in touch with my early school friends but me moving all the time has fractured that so much. I don't get invited to the weddings etc. I just watch it on sm and feel left out.

It actually took until my 30's for my social life to stabilise and it's still pretty narrow compared to others.

The dds have kept solid friendships since baby group age and have ended up in secondary with some which I'm so proud of.

I think the lack of social security has in part led to my reliance on toxic relationships.

Children are not resilient to the point that they can weather what adults can't.

@TintinIsBack,

I agree.

Real neglect and abuse is harmful, but dealing with a ‘normal childhood’, moving schools, houses, possible divorce, is not harmful.

Resilience is hard won is really important to understand. It is by dealing with challenge and overcoming it that you become resilient. If you try to cushion your child from anything adverse, they will never become resilient.

@mrsm43s

Resilient adults come from secure children.

That doesn't mean that children who suffer loss or upheaval in childhood can't be resilient. It means that children who's parents or caregivers who recognise the upheaval and support the children appropriately will fare far better than those where the upheaval is minimised or dismissed.

Resilience as an adult is a goal to be striven for. It's a truly wonderful thing and it comes from a base of emotional security.

Exactly

The premise of your question is a perfect world for children to grow into perfect adults.

Of course some children are resilient, or adaptable. Just as some adults are. And some aren’t. That’s life.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I agree. I think very often it is used to excuse selfish choices.

I agree too.

I completely agree. I only wish I knew how to help my DD be more resilient. She is timid and unnecessarily apologetic and shy and has such low self esteem. She never complains about anything so might seem resilient in certain situations but nothing could be further from the truth.

@CatsArePeople

Children are resilient. They grow up during wartime, in refugee camps, etc. Doesn't matter its good for them. Also depends on the point of comparison. Moving schools isn't as much of a big deal as experiencing a death in the family.

Resiliency doesn't mean surviving it means achieving normal development in adverse conditions. Very few of the children in wartime and refugee camps will achieve normal development. This is not resilience.

It's fair to say children are resilient in that they aren't stressed out by expecting different. If they grow up in a refugee camp then that feels normal -- they are unlikely to be bothered with thoughts of anything they lost or how unfair the situation is.

Unlike adults who worry about things they believe they should have instead.

@Comedycook

I agree with you op. My mum died when I was a child. I'm sure all the adults around me were saying how resilient I was. I wasn't. I was actually just terrified and unable to express myself. I didn't want to upset anyone or cause a fuss.

My family were the same when I lost my ddad. My siblings were younger and needed lots of support but I was older and just got on with things. I remember going off to my room to cry on my own as if I had done so in front of dm, she would have became upset and that was the last thing I wanted. I should say my dm was an amazing mother, but she took me at face value when I pretended I was fine.

It’s only as my own dc have reached the age I was when ddad died that I realise how young I actually was. I don’t blame my dm but there were plenty of relatives around telling me that I was the oldest and had to be strong for dm, when actually I think they just didn’t want to have to worry about me as well as everyone else. Kids are resilient when they have no choice.

Whatever the issues with the ACE study the idea that the more adverse experiences a child has the harder life is for them is still a valid and useful one.

Yes @LuaDipa. Our experiences sound so similar

Yeah, I hate that line. It's a way for adults to avoid feeling guilty about the impact their choices have on their kids.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"... Sometimes, I guess. But often it just leaves a person with scars and trauma.

Personally, I don't want my kids to be "strong" in that way. I want them to be safe and protected from things that kids shouldn't have to deal with. If we aren't treated with extra consideration and kindness as children, when will we ever be?

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

CatsArePeople those children are no more resilient than their parents. Children do grow up in wars and in refugee camps. That doesnt mean they should just get on with it. Theyre going to be affected, they're going to struggle later in life. Because they're not resilient. They just don't have the ability to change things.

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

This, 100%. Couldn’t have put it better myself.

Absolutely agree. But also think it's often used to dismiss parental concerns such as during lockdown.

@Recessed one move for very good reason handled well is fine. Constant moves are not. I moved from UK to Oz when mine were young and they struggled but it was worth it. But I have had to be mindful to stay put now when I would much rather move country every 5-10 years myself.