To think children AREN'T resilient?

[ElektraAbundance]

Currently pregnant and pondering chilldhood/parenthood etc.

One thing that people always say about children is 'children are resilient' whenever something shit happens and not to worry. Its said to almost absolve absolve adults in the children's lives of responsibility for their actions. But my experience as a professional and a general adult is that no, children arent resilient.

Children just don't have control over their lives so have to go along with stuff. But the results of that often come out in adulthood.

Some random examples off the top of my head:

1. Moving a child's school regularly so they've never done more than a year or two in the same school. The child may learn to make friends easily in new schools due to this so come across as 'resilient' when actually as an adult they end up finding they never felt like they truly had a home and therefore have a fear of change in adulthood.

1. Parent has multiple partners move in and out of the home. After initial confusion the child carries on as usual. Continues playing with friends and seems happy. Parent tells themselves that children are resilient and they seem happy as they are out playing and laughing. However as an adult they struggle forming healthy relationships themselves.

I mean certain things can't be avoided such as bereavements, Parent changing jobs so have to relocate. However I do think adults use the "resilient" line to absolve themselves of any type of damage caused by their actions. Rather than make sacrifices themselves they instead tell themselves their kids will be happy with whatever the adult will be happy with.

Am I right or am I just being negative and actually children are very resilient?

P.s sorry for typos I am on my mobile.

I think it’s really shitty how some posters are making out taking your kids out of schools is damaging them for life when other parents on this thread are making it clear they had no choice.

You make a good point but I’ve put YABU. Why? We are more child centric and caring towards children than we have EVER been before. My kids have access to counsellors at school and are taught emotional maturity, coping skills and resilience. Everyone is accepted, fat, thin, glasses, ginger, minority. Bullying is far less common than 20 years ago. Clothes are cheaper. Kids have bank accounts, mobile phones and freedom.

So in comparison with the lives of kids 30/40 years ago this is the golden age for kids. Not freezing in winter with limited clothes, hit, bullied and with 3 hours television a day.

I agree, children aren't necessarily resilient. But that's what video games are for!

I had a shirty childhood but luckily when I was around 10 nintendo 64 and game boy colour came into my life, so I could spend the majority of my time on there, forgetting my worries in a fantasy land.

Life is never easy, whatever you age. But as long as you have somewhere you can retreat to to rest, dream and re-energise, most things can be overcome.

@Simonjt

People who say children are resilient clearly have very little knowledge of child development. ACEs cause longterm damage, thats something you can’t undo.

Couldn’t agree more and this is so true. The damage can go on for a lifetime.

It’s good for children to be challenged, and all children will deal with these challenges differently.

I was the child in your example 1. It most definitively made me resilient and really helped me in adulthood. I've always adapted very easy to new situations and made it very easy to make friends.

I think it really depends on the child. The question is not whether kids are always resilient but that they are much more than we give them credit for.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I agree. I think very often it is used to excuse selfish choices.

Agree

Children are absolutely NOT resilient
They don’t “Get over” divorce, death multiple partners.
These things scar them.
Especially early loss.

I’m not sure my children in early 30’s/late 20’s were hit, frozen or bullied anymore than today’s children.

The 90’s wasn’t Victorian England.

Over protecting your child can also be very selfish because you are not giving them the tools to prepare them for life.

So much anxiety experienced by young adults who can't cope with change because they never had to experience it. That's as if no more selfish.

I think children are resilient to an extent - although not necessarily in the examples you’ve given ( which I consider quite extreme). I don’t know anyone who’s moved their child endlessly or had multiple partners move in. I do think a child can cope with moving schools and parents getting divorced ( if the parents handle it properly). My DH works with a woman who shields her children from everything. When their cat died she removed all traces of it while they were at school and told them it went to live on a farm because she didn’t want them upset. ( one child was about 9). The cat was never mentioned again - I thought it was ridiculous. You can’t shield children from everything negative and painful in life and the deceit in that case was shitty and unnecessary.

As a child, was moved twice to a new town and I found myself alone , in a new school where I didn’t understand the culture, it was difficult, but after a year I loved it and wouldn’t go back to my old city. That made me resilient, I had no hesitation to move alone to another country where I didn’t even understand the language. I wouldn’t say it was easy all the time made me resilient, it show me I could deal with this sort of things.

I know my son has been affected because his parents divorced and have moved on to new relationships, but a lot of children live permanently in toxic homes so they may have the stability but worse emotional damage.

You're completely right.

@Underamour

You make a good point but I’ve put YABU. Why? We are more child centric and caring towards children than we have EVER been before. My kids have access to counsellors at school and are taught emotional maturity, coping skills and resilience. Everyone is accepted, fat, thin, glasses, ginger, minority. Bullying is far less common than 20 years ago. Clothes are cheaper. Kids have bank accounts, mobile phones and freedom.

So in comparison with the lives of kids 30/40 years ago this is the golden age for kids. Not freezing in winter with limited clothes, hit, bullied and with 3 hours television a day.

That’s just nonsense.

All children are different. DB has moved country several times meaning his DC have had to move schools and friends a lot. One has done extremely well with this, one is very independent but seems quite isolated and one is a bundle of neurosis and poor relationships. All young adults now.

Their upbringing would have been classed as very very privileged but I suspect it wasn’t nearly as happy as that of their much more ordinary cousins’ childhoods.

I put yabu as i think it's more personality that affects how you feel about change as an adult.
Relative had stable parents who only moved once during schooling but they then had a lot of short 2-3yr relationships. So their dc did then see those 'step parents' and did themselves have many short relationships.
I dont like change but think that is because it is often a negative result and i can foresee the issues.
I do think you can have negative effects from difficult childhoods. I
Some kids do genuinely adjust quickly as are outgoing. Similar to school. They like to mix kids up between year groups, so some kids who are outgoing and loads of friends are fine. The ones wih one close friend lose them or struggle with a new class and teacher. Often siblings reacting differently too

I think it used to be applied only to physical, medical episodes. Like how often they bounce back from really dramatic short illnesses, or even just falls and scrapes.

But psychologically, it's totally wrong! Most adults in therapy are there trying to resolve traumas from their childhood.

It's really wound me up how many people have been saying children are resilient in terms of covid lockdowns and school closures. So many people in their 90s now are still talking about the trauma of WW2 even if they didn't witness any bombs or deaths. They have never been able to shake off that fear and powerlessness.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I agree. I think very often it is used to excuse selfish choices.

i agree. also with non choice situation, eg, illness, disruption, being subjected to oppressive institutions, rude/rough nurses/teachers etc. i know whereof i speak. but these indignities are often not recognised when done to children. so few people really listen to children.

I moved as a child and would say I'm more resilient than most people in the sense that my mental health doesn't suffer when things go wrong and I can put things into perspective. However I do think that moving a lot as a young child and being constantly uprooted affected my approach to friendships. I can make friends easily but struggle with keeping them - perhaps am too independent. I still have lots of friends and happy life so I guess it's ok.

I was an 80s child given a lot of freedom which I am sure was also a big part of it. Having freedom with responsibility in a stable family is what leads to resilience.

I've posted a lot on here about my childhood - we moved on average every 6 months when I was between the ages of 5 to 15....all around the world, with a lot of it in what were then called Third World countries. Myself and my brother missed out on about a total of 3 years education in that time.

It was hell. Like @MatildaTheCat's relatives, our upbringing would have been classed as very privileged ... but she is right that it was far from happy. My older brother has told his wife he has no happy memories of his childhood.

My parents were always throwing around the 'children are resilient' bullshit to excuse their insanely selfish decisions and behaviour.

Agree with the op.

I agree. But I don’t think adults only say it to absolve themselves and excuse their own behaviour. I think some adults say it to reassure themselves if something totally unavoidable has happened eg a situation where due to redundancy, the family has to move away from where the child knows. Parents may feel guilt (even though it’s not their fault), and comfort themselves with “children are resilient”. Which is an understandable thing to do.

I agree. Children are highly adaptable because they are powerless and entirely dependent on the adults in their lives. This isn't an approximation for resilience.

Using this adaptability to improve their lives is one thing but assuming that their compliance with your whim to move to a yurt on the other side of the planet or to subject them to a rapid fire parade of short term partners is fine because they are "resilient" is the bullshit people tell themselves to minimise the children in their lives.

Rather than bouncing back like rubber balls, children are squished out of their original shape by trauma.

100% agree OP

I agree with you op. My mum died when I was a child. I'm sure all the adults around me were saying how resilient I was. I wasn't. I was actually just terrified and unable to express myself. I didn't want to upset anyone or cause a fuss.