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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move out and leave 17 year old?

423 replies

Teesstar · 24/09/2021 13:37

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

OP posts:

trappistkepler · 24/09/2021 15:28

You will reap what you sow. You have had several posters here telling you this happened to them when they were 16/17 and it was not right. Why can't you get a 4 bedroom house, if you can't afford it, find a cheaper area, move heaven and earth to keep him with you and don't dare as mother put that responsibility on your other kids. You sound very emotionally immature.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 24/09/2021 15:29

Then theres the 4 YO. Who is now going to be going to another home with her daddy 50 50 with a woman she has presumably not known long (if PP's right that you were with another partner last year) and an older "step" sibling. How well does she know you DS, that she's now going to be living with, and the older DS's? Because shes a small child who seems to have, in a year if that, gained another family that she will now be living with where her own brother wont be staying anymore and where three men (well two men, an one 17 YO) who she doesnt really know will be coming and going whenever they like form their "lads pad" and eating with you and coming at whatever time of the day or night into her home.... It'd be interesting to know what her mum thinks about this.

krustykittens · 24/09/2021 15:30

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Was this your idea - or was it the idea of the man who is happy to stop parenting his own older child 50% in favour of the one he has with somebody else?

I can see how he could make it sound incredibly reasonable - 'well, I'm giving up my son, I'm prepared to make that sacrifice for you whilst you parent my four year old for me - I'd have loved to live with my brothers at 17, so it's not much for you to give up because there's a house there already'.

Abusers don't have to hit you. They can be oh, so very reasonable and logical whilst in the process of getting rid of the potential competition for your affections.

If you do go ahead with this, you can expect that as your 12 year old becomes a typical teenaged boy, he'll start with the 'He can move in with his brothers. I am not having him speaking to me like that in MY OWN HOME'. Even before there's the possibility of another baby (if applicable to you), because if there is one, it'll be 'There's no room for a baby. If you want to keep it, he'll have to move in with his brothers'.

Oh, God. Never even thought of this.

harriethoyle · 24/09/2021 15:31

I feel so sorry for your son, who has two appalling parents, both of whom are prioritising their new relationships over their child. Jesus wept...

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/09/2021 15:31

talk of life long damage if they leave home at 17 !!
It's the Mum leaving home, in this case.

Ericaequites · 24/09/2021 15:32

Abandoning DS3 while he finishes full time education is a terrible idea. It’s unlikely his older brothers will support his quiet study time, and his grades will suffer. Do the right thing, and wait until DC3 has finished Year 13/FE college.

Fizzbangwallop · 24/09/2021 15:32

If your ex won’t help out and there isn’t space for all the dependent children, I would not be moving in. If this man is genuinely decent, he will understand and would be happy to wait for you.

Sarcobaleno · 24/09/2021 15:32

OP's last comment was total deflecting bollocks. Basically saying that all the responses were sexist, completely ignoring the fact her new partner had also taken criticism. Great attitude too, my ex is a shit parent so why can't I be too...

krustykittens · 24/09/2021 15:33

I wish people would stop banging on about how their kids went to uni and are just fine. There is a MASSIVE difference between leaving home, knowing you have a loving and supportive home to fall back on if things got tits up (as they frequently do at this age), and being left behind because mummy has a new man!

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/09/2021 15:34

@GreyhoundG1rl

talk of life long damage if they leave home at 17 !! It's the Mum leaving home, in this case.

I left home at 17. But not, importantly, because my mum wanted me to. Not because she prioritised a man over me. Not because there wasn't room for me in my parents' lives.

That's the difference.

Saoirse82 · 24/09/2021 15:38

@Outbutnotoutout

My 17yr old daughter left to join the Army, why ever not...if he's happy crack on

But that was her choice and she still had her home to return to. This is a totally different situation, her DC has been asked to choose between 2 absolutely shit situations.

midsummabreak · 24/09/2021 15:44

If your new partner really loves you he will be more than happy to take the whole package, and be happy to continue the relationship as it is so that you consider all your children part of your family until they are ready to fly from the nest

It is not your older child’s responsibility to parent your 17 year old. I know a 17 year old who had this happen due to a new relationship, and he said it was ok to his mum too. He knew that the new man took precedence and thought he would be ok He has never forgotten that his mum chose the new man over him, and has only now admitted to her about how hard it was for him as his pride didn’t allow him for many years. They virtually have no relationship now.

shivawn · 24/09/2021 15:45

I haven't read the entire thread just the OP.

I moved out of home to the opposite side of the country for college when I was 17 (I turned 17 the end of April and moved away in September). My parents paid my rent and gave me support for the first couple years but I also had a part time job and only came home for the holidays. To me to have your 17 year old son living with older brothers a mile away from you isn't a cause for drama as long as he is pretty independent and happy with the situation.

I went back to college as a mature student around 6 years ago and there was a few 17 year olds in my class living away from home, wasn't anything unusual.

I know your son isn't in college yet but 17 isn't deserving of the responses you're getting. Hopefully you know yourself that this isn't the best forum for advice and only you understand your own family and situation.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 24/09/2021 15:46

Actually I wouldn't even move out and leave my 19 yr old behind, never mind a 17yr old. If the relationship with Goldencock is strong, delaying moving in together for another 18 months/2 years shouldn't be a problem given that you seem to live so close to each other.

I also agree with other posters that you are moving too fast with a fairly new relationship especially if you are only a couple of years out of an abusive marriage. And with regard to your comment about spending your adult life being a parent and wanting some "me time" , you chose to have four kids, nobody made you and that means you now have to parent them until they are independent.

rainbowstardrops · 24/09/2021 15:48

I'm not going to pile on here but I do think it's important to know how long you've been with this partner.
I personally think it's a bit shit that his 16 yr old DD now can't stay 50/50 and your 17yr old son can't either.
I'd wait a bit if it were me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Chloemol · 24/09/2021 15:51

@Teesstar

Genuine question, why post and then have a fit because the majority say you are being unreasonable in not waiting a couple of years and it’s obvious you have already made your mind up?

Recessed · 24/09/2021 15:52

I'm sorry you had an abusive marriage and I understand you feel you want something for you now but none of that is your DCs fault and they shouldn't suffer for it. It's a ludicrous decision to make, you're putting a man before your child no other way of looking at it. He might be cool with it now (what 17yo doesn't want to play grownup?) but It's hardly in his best interests is it? If you're determined to move (sounds too soon IMO) why don't you get a four bed? I wouldn't even consider it otherwise. YABVU

LoislovesStewie · 24/09/2021 15:53

I think it was really trying to find out if he could claim benefits, not about how reasonable it is to leave him behind.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 24/09/2021 15:58

You’re both as bad as each other, being prepared to abandon teenage children. I would have a very low opinion of either of you as a prospective partner. 16 and 17 are difficult ages for boys, and they often go off the rails and take years to recover. Without guidance and strong role modelling, they might do poorly for the next couple of years, fail at A level or equivalent, and damage their future prospects entirely, for the want of a couple of years’ more parenting. Not that it sounds like either of you are likely to be all that as parents judging by what we’ve heard from you.

I hope your older boys are prepared to take on your parental role and ensure your youngest gets a better start in his adult life than you seem to think he deserves.

nimbuscloud · 24/09/2021 16:00

but I do think it's important to know how long you've been with this partner

Less than a year.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 24/09/2021 16:02

@feelingdizzy

My ds is 17 and like lots of Scottish kids has gone to Uni and lives in student accommodation I don't think he or thousands of others have been abandoned ! My ds is a young 17 and is managing fantastically . I do understand the concerns about a partner being perceived as more important I brought my kids up as a single parent but am rather taken aback with this talk of life long damage if they leave home at 17 !!

Does he have a bed to sleep in when he comes home for holidays? His own room in a house in which you also live? If he left uni would you bring him back to live with you? If so, it’s nothing at all like the OPs situation. No analogy at all.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 24/09/2021 16:02

@nimbuscloud

but I do think it's important to know how long you've been with this partner

Less than a year.

FFS.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 24/09/2021 16:08

Just because his dad does not put him first, does not mean you also get to put him last

Poor kid

Your ex is clearly a dick, unfortunately that means that if you care about DS you step it up, not step back as well… what kind of logic is that?!

BettysGotMoxie · 24/09/2021 16:09

No one is berating your ex because he isn’t the one here asking questions. I’m sure he’d get short shrift from MN if he was.

It is selfish to do this to your son. It’s not in his best interests but it’s what you want to do so you will do it regardless. I don’t know why you bothered asking.

Traveller3367 · 24/09/2021 16:11

You risk damaging your child through abandonment.
I can't imagine how a 17 year old would feel being disposed of so mum can bigger off with her new man.
I'm actually speechless a mother could justify that to herself
Your son needs you more than either of you know

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