To move out and leave 17 year old?

[Teesstar]

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

You asked a parenting website if leaving your teenage son behind when you moved in with a new partner was unreasonable. Parents said yes - be a good parent and wait.

Then you asked your young adult son, who said “Mum, it’s all cool!” and you feel better.

It’s not really like for like, is it?

You’ve literally just discussed it with your older son? So they weren’t involved until now yet the house is lined up and plans are all finalised?

"however none of you have mentioned my 17 year old sons father."

Actually I did. Then I said how it was worrying that your DP was doing this to his DS and that you should think about that. Because from the information that you've been in an abusive relationship before I thought it was something you should think about. Because is a man who gives up time with his child to move in with you so soon really someone who it's a good idea to be jumping into a relationship with and leaving one child with your adult children and taking another younger child with you to live with him, because after the abuse you've lived with with the father who now doesn't even want his son (sons?) you need to be even more sure that you arent getting into another relationship where the man is going to be a bad role model for your children and encourage you or at least be ok with you leaving your DS because he's doing the same with his own (or if you don't see it as leaving then you are at least only letting them come in and out like it's a drop in centre, so the four YO will have her DB and her "step" DB''s in and out of the house whenever with no structure to it).

You never put a man before your children op. Never. They may not be upset and resentful immediately, but believe me, they will when they are older. I

This has Jeremy Kyle Show written all over it...

Totally unreasonable.

Loving the phrase ‘Mr Goldencock’ from PP.

Can we adopt this as Mumsnet shorthand? Much more fun than ‘boyfriend ‘ 🤣

We are both essentially having to make family changes. My partner won’t be having his son 50% of the time but will have my youngest full time with me. I will be taking on a 4 year old half the time too.
Sounds like everyone except you and your partner are getting the shitty end of the stick.

I'd be waiting a year until be had finished full-time education and found a job/went to university etc.

Also, why are you only just mentioning it to your older DS? I thought you had bought a new house and were ready to move

What a mess. You’re both binning off kids to live together.

I think you are kidding yourself if you think they will feel like your home is there home if they can't stay there.

No one is saying your ex isn't selfish too, clearly he is. But both you you have a responsibility to care for your child until they are an adult. His selfishness doesn't excuse you doing the same.

I’ve had an abusive marriage and have been a single parent since I was 29, I’m now 35, I haven’t had a relationship or even a shag since I was married. That’s 6 years. In the prime of my life.

Do I think my kids owe me for that? Will I fuck off with another bloke when my youngest is 12 and leave the older teens to it?

Absolutely fucking not.

Why the hell did you post on here if you were 100% sure in your choice?

At the end of the day you and your partner are choosing each other over your kids and that should never be the case. Don’t give a shit about his dad to be honest, this is your choice, your decision.

You can afford his rent and bills on top of your own but not a bigger house for everyone?

@Teesstar

Right I have a clear message from this thread that you believe I am being unreasonable. I am likely to damage my son apparently….

Interestingly you have all brought me down as a mother saying I am selfish and only thinking of cock as one person said, however none of you have mentioned my 17 year old sons father.

As I mentioned in my Starting post he REFUSES to do his share. He won’t have him over night because their spare room is a walk in wardrobe!!!
Yet her 32 year old son comes first every time.

It’s just me the mother that is selfish.
Because I am a woman I should be the one to do all the caring, financially as well.

I have said clearly that my son is happy as are my older sons they are living In the safety of their grandparents home, and sharing the bills responsibly. My 17 year old will literally sleep here, he will be treating our home as his can come and go with his own key as can the 16 year old my partner has.

I have just mentioned all this to my eldest son who was like omg this so works for our family!

I don’t know what possessed me to share this as it has nothing to do with anyone anyway and we know how to do this and love our children whilst loving each other too.

I’ll leave it there.

Well, duh of course her 32 year old son comes first every time, he’s her son. You know, like your 17 year old should come first every time! Even more so because his waster father has clearly absolved himself.

Seriously give your head a wobble and wait at least a year.

@FrankButchersDickieBow

Don't put your want for cock, above the needs of your teenage son.

Seriously cannot believe you are considering it.

If you moved into your parents house 2 years ago, you can't have been with Mr Goldencock for that long.

Just calm yourself an wait for a couple of years.

This. Honestly all of this.

OP my own mother did what you did. Chased her goldencock wherever and didn’t give a damn about me, I opened my GCSE results alone. Went to my own parents evenings. That was fucking bizarre let me tell you.

We no longer have a relationship. You need to see ALL your children into adulthood not just a select few. That’s your job as a mother.

Put off the moving out until he is at least 18, is able to claim/work/ be fully legally responsible for himself because to not do that you’re making his older brothers take in the responsibility.

I’m sure there’ll be a new kid along soon to complicate matters yet further. Jesus wept.

I’ve spent all my adult life raising kids and in an painfully abusive marriage and I need a bit of something good for myself too!

Presumably that means your children lived it too. They have an abusive and neglectful father, who would get more shit if he was asking on here, and a mother who wants to move on. Just wait. A couple of years. That's all.

My best friend growing up had parents who did exactly what you're doing. She ended up staying at mine a lot because she was lonely and unparented. She also got into abusive relationships because of her feelings of inadequacy and the hangover of an abusive childhood.

It's the children who have my sympathy.
Don't add another one to the mix.

Can you not just wait a year or two until he's a little older and perhaps able to live alone? I do think it's very young at 17 to do this - even with older brothers. If older brothers will be out at work, I feel sorry for your 17 year old coming home from college without his mum at the house.

If it's only a mile away from your partners place what's the rush to move in with your partner if he's living so close?! Can't you just see him a lot instead and then you can still go home to all your children.

I also feel Sorry for your partners 16 year old who's been shipped off back to his mums full time just to make the room. He must feel pushed out too.

Your children are the ones making sacrifices rather than you.

no way would I do this. Obviously your son's father is a complete waste of space and it is all on you so that sucks but there it is.

I appreciate you hoped to get some validation for what you are doing and it must be tough hearing a fairly universal disapproval.

Was this your idea - or was it the idea of the man who is happy to stop parenting his own older child 50% in favour of the one he has with somebody else?

I can see how he could make it sound incredibly reasonable - 'well, I'm giving up my son, I'm prepared to make that sacrifice for you whilst you parent my four year old for me - I'd have loved to live with my brothers at 17, so it's not much for you to give up because there's a house there already'.

Abusers don't have to hit you. They can be oh, so very reasonable and logical whilst in the process of getting rid of the potential competition for your affections.

If you do go ahead with this, you can expect that as your 12 year old becomes a typical teenaged boy, he'll start with the 'He can move in with his brothers. I am not having him speaking to me like that in MY OWN HOME'. Even before there's the possibility of another baby (if applicable to you), because if there is one, it'll be 'There's no room for a baby. If you want to keep it, he'll have to move in with his brothers'.

^It’s just me the mother that is selfish.
Because I am a woman I should be the one to do all the caring, financially as well^

You should WANT to!

Why the hell did you post when "it's nothing to do with anyone anyway" and "You know how to do this" you don't ?
Next the thread will be removed for privacy concerns, aka I got a good dose of realism and I don't want to hear it.
Your poor kids. All of them.

My 17yr old daughter left to join the Army, why ever not...if he's happy crack on

It never fails to amaze how many women can’t live without a man in their life, even if it means putting them before the needs of their kids. Pathetic, needy and desperate. Just go out and buy a dildo/vibrator if your struggling that much without sex.

My ds is 17 and like lots of Scottish kids has gone to Uni and lives in student accommodation I don't think he or thousands of others have been abandoned ! My ds is a young 17 and is managing fantastically . I do understand the concerns about a partner being perceived as more important I brought my kids up as a single parent but am rather taken aback with this talk of life long damage if they leave home at 17 !!