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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move out and leave 17 year old?

423 replies

Teesstar · 24/09/2021 13:37

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

OP posts:

Babyghirl · 24/09/2021 16:14

@Teesstar
Do what makes you happy you have give him 2 choices and he has made his choice.

He's 17 not 7 he old enough to leave the house and live on his own its not like you are just get up and leaving him he will be living with his big brothers.

Some people just wrap there kids up in cotton wool. Do what suits you he knows if he wants to move with you the offer is there.

thewhatsit · 24/09/2021 16:16

It’s not just about the 17 year old, as Pp have said.

how happy about this is your 12 year old? Would it not give your children especially the younger ones extra stability to just remain as you are for a few years?
DP’s son that will no longer like with your DP. Is this really in his benefit? How is it ok for a Dad to no longer provide somewhere for his son to live?
His 4 yo too… it’s a huge upheaval for her. Would she not be better off getting to know you over several years slowly?

It’s a huge rush, why? Why can’t you just say that if things are still just as good between you that you plan to enact this plan in 2 years?

di2004 · 24/09/2021 16:17

He’s still not an adult yet so for now I would think of another plan.

Bobsyer · 24/09/2021 16:18

You have a very transactional way of looking at this @Teesstar. Just because your sons dad is shit doesn’t mean that it’s ok for you to also be shit.

Would I do this? No. I think in his low moments your son will come to resent the life you’ve chosen to lead away from him, and see it as abandonment from both his parents because their romantic relationship has become priority. He may not be bothered now - but he might later.

And I’m not sure why all the “I moved out at 16” crowd are chiming in here - being kicked out or having to move out is not only vastly different, but doesn’t it make you resent your parents for being shit enough that you had to or wanted to move out when you were still a child?!

thewhatsit · 24/09/2021 16:18

[quote Babyghirl]@Teesstar
Do what makes you happy you have give him 2 choices and he has made his choice.

He's 17 not 7 he old enough to leave the house and live on his own its not like you are just get up and leaving him he will be living with his big brothers.

Some people just wrap there kids up in cotton wool. Do what suits you he knows if he wants to move with you the offer is there.[/quote]
She should just do what suits her, no consideration for the 6 children involved - FOUR of whom are still children?? (4,12,16,17)

Tomnooktoldmeto · 24/09/2021 16:20

I’ve never before read quite such a selfish thread, both you and your boyfriend are selfish and feckless

Both of you need to Stop putting your own needs first and prioritise all the children and young adults involved

Your oldest kids are in the best most free time of their lives as adults and you want them to take on your parental responsibility

Your boyfriend loves his kid so much he’s giving up custody so you can move in, wow way to make those kids feel used and rejected in equal measure

Please tell me you’re at least using contraception so no more kids are damaged by the two of you!

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/09/2021 16:21

@nimbuscloud

but I do think it's important to know how long you've been with this partner

Less than a year.

Good Christ, op! And your only actual concern in all this is whether your poor kid can claim benefits after you leave 🤦🏼‍♀️

LalalalalalaLand123 · 24/09/2021 16:27

I think it was really trying to find out if he could claim benefits, not about how reasonable it is to leave him behind.

I guess that was the point of the thread. :( OP wants to palm off her child entirely :(

HalzTangz · 24/09/2021 16:27

What happens if your two older kids meet someone and move in with them in a few months time, where would your 17 year old go then?

Do you not have a dining room in the new house that could be made into a bedroom?

lynxca16 · 24/09/2021 16:29

No, just that really.

Your son is 17 yrs, at college and you would 'swop or farm him out' to live with and take on (even part time) your boyfriend's son and 4yr old - this may not be the way you see it but your son will no matter what will process this as a massive rejection.

tearsforfears72 · 24/09/2021 16:30

Please don’t do this. Your 17 year old is a child who should live with his parent, and to be honest I wouldn’t advise leaving the 19 year old either. Can’t you wait a few more years until all of the DCs concerned are adults? At the moment they all need you more than you know, and leaving them will set up a lot of family issues and resentment in the future

Waxonwaxoff0 · 24/09/2021 16:32

[quote Babyghirl]@Teesstar
Do what makes you happy you have give him 2 choices and he has made his choice.

He's 17 not 7 he old enough to leave the house and live on his own its not like you are just get up and leaving him he will be living with his big brothers.

Some people just wrap there kids up in cotton wool. Do what suits you he knows if he wants to move with you the offer is there.[/quote]
No, when you have dependent kids you can't just "do what makes you happy". You have to weigh things up and do what is best for the kids, not just what makes you happy. If you have that attitude then you shouldn't have kids in the first place.

JosiahJosiahKate · 24/09/2021 16:32

@Teesstar

Right I have a clear message from this thread that you believe I am being unreasonable. I am likely to damage my son apparently….

Interestingly you have all brought me down as a mother saying I am selfish and only thinking of cock as one person said, however none of you have mentioned my 17 year old sons father.

As I mentioned in my Starting post he REFUSES to do his share. He won’t have him over night because their spare room is a walk in wardrobe!!!
Yet her 32 year old son comes first every time.

It’s just me the mother that is selfish.
Because I am a woman I should be the one to do all the caring, financially as well.

I have said clearly that my son is happy as are my older sons they are living In the safety of their grandparents home, and sharing the bills responsibly. My 17 year old will literally sleep here, he will be treating our home as his can come and go with his own key as can the 16 year old my partner has.

I have just mentioned all this to my eldest son who was like omg this so works for our family!

I don’t know what possessed me to share this as it has nothing to do with anyone anyway and we know how to do this and love our children whilst loving each other too.

I’ll leave it there.

It just means your children have two shit and selfish parents.

MargosKaftan · 24/09/2021 16:34

The fact your child's father has abandoned them already is more of a reason to prioritise making them feel valued and loved, not less.

I get you feel you have always had yo put other peoples needs first, but its not that long to wait. A year and half (presuming 17 year old is year 12, less than a year if already year 13).

If you only left your exH 2 years ago, this must be still a relatively new relationship, your children will be still recovering from living in an abusive household, have had to face a new man in your life. Dont add another upset. This is too early for the 17 year old, but also too soon for the 4 year old.

Give it until your 17 year old is out of education, so summer 2022 or 2023. This is such an important part of his life, dont prioritise your DP over your ds.

Wheresthebeach · 24/09/2021 16:36

Considered your marriage was abusive how can you even entertain sending your son to live with him?

You’ve now shared this thread with your son? Wow. The pressure on him to give you what you want is awful.

Nearly everyone is telling you this is a terrible thing to do but you don’t care one jot.

Seriously why did you post?

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 24/09/2021 16:37

You and your DP can dress it up how ever you want but basically you are both putting your own needs over your children's needs. Even if your DS says he is happy with this arrangement he has no option really as you don't have room for him, or your DP's son. Also you are putting adult responsibilities on to your middle son who at 19 shouldn't have to parent his 17 year old brother.

By all means go ahead but don't be surprised when your relationship with your eldest three children suffers in years to come.

OfNick · 24/09/2021 16:37

Absolutely not. At 17 they still need their mum. He may tell you it's ok but deep down I would imagine the potential to feel like he has nigh on been left for a man would be extremely likely. It's not something I caulked do but each to their own I suppose 🤷‍♀️

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/09/2021 16:57

I have just mentioned all this to my eldest son who was like omg this so works for our family!

Dutch1e · 24/09/2021 17:05

Not sure if you're coming back OP but I'd absolutely do this. If you're all a mile apart and easily able to drop in to each other's homes, maintain a strong presence in each other's lives etc I think it's potentially a brilliant way to help a 17 yr old become independent. Whoever calls this "abandonment" is off their fucking trolley, how ridiculous.

LittleBirdBlu · 24/09/2021 17:06

Last year you were creating threads about how useless your oldest son is and one where you worried about your relationship with your new partner. How have you gone from that to wanting to leave your barely 17 year old with his useless older brother and move in with someone you barely know?!

cardamomtea87 · 24/09/2021 17:07

Of course your 17 year old is happy to stay with his 19 and 23 year old brothers?? That sounds like fun, but unfortunately as he's only 17 he has absolutely no idea what's best for him. But you should, you're his Mum. In fact 17 is the exact age when you think you KNOW IT ALL, and it's actually when you need the most guidance. This sounds absolutely insane and I'm usually not so blunt but it's a terrible idea and I can't believe anyone would consider this to be reasonable.

PermanentTemporary · 24/09/2021 17:12

Im a single parent with one 17 year old boy and a new partner of 10 months who has older kids.

No way would I do this.

You were in an abusive marriage? So were your children. Right now you and they have a bit of stability. Your kids love you and they want you to be happy. They will agree to things that aren't in their best interests if you push it. You have to be the grown up.

Enjoy dating your partner - thats the bit that's for you- and keep your 17 year old and your 12 year old. What on earth is the rush?

Harleyband · 24/09/2021 17:17

I think, deep down, OP does know that this is a selfish and possibly damaging step to take but she was hoping we would all say "Oh, what a great idea" so she could feel better about it. Sometimes you don't hear what you want to...

BrendaBulldog · 24/09/2021 17:25

Bit of a different scenario for me because my parents left to go to abroad but, they left just before my 18th birthday and honestly? It was the making of me. I learned to grow up fast and was miles ahead (in terms of maturity) of my friends of the same age who were still living at home.

However. When my parents came back the the UK 8 years later, I was my own person with my own life and had no intention of going back into the doting daughter role they were expecting. This went down like a lead balloon and we are now NC and have been for several years.

So on the one hand, their decision made me who I am. On the other, I've never forgiven them.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 24/09/2021 17:31

Why the rush. Wait a year

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