To move out and leave 17 year old?

[Teesstar]

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

Sorry I don't want to be harsh to you but I really would need to ask if you adore your children if you would be willing to do this, its not something I would dream of doing, I really can't fathom it. Please don't do this, wait a few years. Yes, you deserve some time for you but you can still have that, your children need to come first while they are still children at least.

Out of interest I wonder if all your children have the same dad? You said your partner's children have different mothers, so his 16 year old has had a couple of stepmothers already. What a mess.

I wonder if you posted this thread because you know that this plan isn't one you are completely happy with?

Whilst I can understand you wanting to move on and be happy - perhaps look at your sons life through what he has experienced. An abusive relationship between his parents, a disengaged father and now decisions about his future being about what works for others rather than what is right for him.

If might work out fine for you all, but you may also be left with two teenage boys who don't connect with your new set up - only you can decide if the risk of that is one worth taking or if your new life can wait a wee bit more to avoid it.

Why even mention his father? Entirely different subject. If he came on here, he'd probably get slated too.
Doesn't change the fact that you are abandoning your son because you've got some new bloke.

My ex moved out of home at 17 because his mum chose an arese of a man over him. Yes, it was his 'choice' but he really wasn't given much other choice.

He has never really forgiven his mum for that and she is now with husband number 3 anyway.

As the parent of a 15 year old, there is no way I would move anywhere they weren't included in and happy about.

His eligibility for any bursaries the college may have will be under the concept that you are financially responsible for him whether or not you live in the same house. As the resident parent, you have that responsibility of care even when the non-resident parent doesn't.

Yes, you are being selfish. You literally say *Us parents matter too. I’ve spent all my adult life raising kids and in an painfully abusive marriage and I need a bit of something good for myself too! based on the idea that you are putting yourself and your desires first. Is there really no other good bits in your life than your partner?

I married at 18, about a year later I was a mum. I have many something goods in my life and none of them involve leaving my 17-year-old. I made my choice to start adulthood that way, the consequence is I've spent my adulthood since caring for kids. I'm still responsible for my choices and him.

Now maybe you're like my mother and didn't get much choice, and in my mother's case, her choice to move on from parenting to just a rare social occasions when my brother was 17 and make us our father's issue was still very selfish, few would deny that, but it was still the best thing for my siblings and I. Honestly I wish she'd done it sooner, but my father thankfully stepped up at least in making sure we had a stable home base if not much else. If not, we'd have been at a random relatives' house again.

I spent most of the time I was 17 on my own in my father's house, he'd mostly moved in with his then-girlfriend-now-ex wife by then. Yeah, my older brother was technically around, but I rarely saw him and he didn't provide any financial support. I never even thought to ask him really, and his friends frightened me. One thought it was funny to give me spiked drinks.

There was a thread in the last month or so from someone whose parents had immigrated when she was 17, and while not the topic, there was some good conversations there on supporting a teenager when not living with them from those who've done it well and those who experienced it being done poorly. I can't recall the title though, maybe someone else will, but if you are convinced this is the right path, I'd suggest you look at that thread for tips and issues of caring for a child when they're not in a house with a parent. It can work, but it has a lot of risks for the kids involved. You might think it's not that far, but a mile can seen forever when you're in an emergency. Being the kid with no consistent parental supervision wasn't much fun. Honestly, I'll never understand the rush my father's ex wife had in them moving in and getting married, but it made finishing school a lot harder than it needed to be for me.

He’s 17. And will be living with 2 adults . What’s the problem ?? If he needs you for anything he can just pop over.

I wouldn’t have bothered asking on here the mob will just burn you at the stake. 🔥

I have just mentioned all this to my eldest son who was like omg this so works for our family!

Even this shows how clueless you are. Take responsibility.

I would never have left my son for a man, not ever. He will still be vulnerable at 17. I was abandoned at 16 so my mother could go off and play happy families with someone else and I never forgave her.
Why can't you wait a couple of years?

Actually posters have said your partner is a dick too for abandoning his 16 year old.

This post wasn't about your ex, it was about you! You're the one asking if you're wrong to leave your son and you're being told that you ARE in the wrong. I don't know what you expected to gain from this

I don't necessarily think leaving a 17 yr old in his own home with his own older brothers is wrong. I, for example left home at 17.

What I worry about OP is that you say you was in an abusive relationship with the ex - and you are now moving in with a new ish partner pretty quickly.

That's more worrying to me than leaving a 17yr old. You do deserve to be happy - but be happy alone for a while first rather than relying for a man to make you happy.

*"Interestingly you have all brought me down as a mother saying I am selfish and only thinking of cock as one person said, however none of you have mentioned my 17 year old sons father.

As I mentioned in my Starting post he REFUSES to do his share. He won’t have him over night because their spare room is a walk in wardrobe!!!
Yet her 32 year old son comes first every time.

It’s just me the mother that is selfish."*

You can't neutralise your own behaviour by pointing out the poor behaviour of another. It actually makes it worse, in your case. Your son's got a shit dad, and now his mum's prioritising her new boyfriend over him.

@Chumleymouse

He’s 17. And will be living with 2 adults . What’s the problem ?? If he needs you for anything he can just pop over.

I wouldn’t have bothered asking on here the mob will just burn you at the stake. 🔥

The problem is that she is showing her son exactly how low he stands on her list of priorities.

Don't be that parent that's puts her new man above her child, your dp is aa equally awful. Tbh his df doesn't sound great either but he has stability in the house where you currently are and now you want to up root his home environment in important stage of his life its beyond selfish. Your wants ands needs dont triumph your child's as a mother or parent you learn that you can't put yourself first and that your child is priority. Make him a priority.

But your son's father is a dickhead for behaving like that. The answer isn't for you to then drop to that level, is it? Where does that leave the 17yo?

Abandoned for a power play?

OP, with every post, I am losing more and more sympathy for you. But hey, your 23 year old thinks it works great! Fantastic, I am sure he knows all about parenting a teen.

You do know that your ex being a shit dad doesn't give you the green light to being a shit mum, don't you?

@Chumleymouse

He’s 17. And will be living with 2 adults . What’s the problem ?? If he needs you for anything he can just pop over.

I wouldn’t have bothered asking on here the mob will just burn you at the stake. 🔥

They aren't his responsibility though and they're hardly of the age where they're going to be encouraging him to do school work or make right choices with some things are they.

And again OP, WHY ARE YOU IGNORING THE QUESTION ABOUT HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN WITH THIS MAN? I'm assuming the answer wouldn't be a good look

Wow, some of the responses on here a bit OTT!!

He's 17 - some kids go to university at that age!
It's not like you're abandoning him to move abroad (as per another thread recently about parents leaving their 17yo) - you're moving a mile down the road and he's staying with his 2 older brothers, both of whom are happy to have him and he's happy to stay with. Different story if they were all angry about you forcing them to stay in this scenario, but from what you've said, they're all fine with it.

I don't get the vitriol!

Even if you did leave it another year, so he was 18, you'd probably still cop the same flaming.

Issues I can see coming up would be - your older boys having partners and wanting to move in with them, or moving them into the house you're all currently in, and there being friction between brothers and partners - what would you do then, if the suggested arrangement broke down? What if one of them went off the rails - but you have no space for them to move in with you and new partner - how would you deal with that?

YOur ex sounds like a useless twat, so no help to be had there - but I do think you need to think a bit harder about how you would deal with potential fall-outs.

And of course, your older child thinks it's an excellent idea for you to move out and leave them in the house, why wouldn't he?!

I think both you and your new partner are being unreasonable (and your ex too). Nobody seems to put the kids first in this situation. Stay with your kids until there's few enough of them living at home that you can fit in a house you can afford. It's not right that your new partner gives up on his oldest, and not that you give up on your 17 year old either. I am sure they will survive just fine, but the sense of abandonment may well haunt them later in life, especially when they become parents themselves.

@Teesstar

Right I have a clear message from this thread that you believe I am being unreasonable. I am likely to damage my son apparently….

Interestingly you have all brought me down as a mother saying I am selfish and only thinking of cock as one person said, however none of you have mentioned my 17 year old sons father.

As I mentioned in my Starting post he REFUSES to do his share. He won’t have him over night because their spare room is a walk in wardrobe!!!
Yet her 32 year old son comes first every time.

It’s just me the mother that is selfish.
Because I am a woman I should be the one to do all the caring, financially as well.

I have said clearly that my son is happy as are my older sons they are living In the safety of their grandparents home, and sharing the bills responsibly. My 17 year old will literally sleep here, he will be treating our home as his can come and go with his own key as can the 16 year old my partner has.

I have just mentioned all this to my eldest son who was like omg this so works for our family!

I don’t know what possessed me to share this as it has nothing to do with anyone anyway and we know how to do this and love our children whilst loving each other too.

I’ll leave it there.

Well why bother posting if you don't need to hear the opinions of other people - most of whom think you are being unreasonable but you couldn't care less anyway.

What does your 17 year old think about his mother choosing a man over him? What's does your 12 year old think about you splitting up the family, moving him to another house? What does you partners 16 year old think about him cutting his access? Have you even factored any of their opinions in to your grand plan?

It would seem from your op that you have only been seeing this guy in the past couple of years, during which time you surely couldn't have met up with him much during lockdowns. Can the kids even know him well enough? How soon were they introduced to him, how much time were they given to get to know him, before you decided to shack up with him?

Yes, do it.

He's got a good relationship with his brothers, you'll be in and out and on hand should he need you.

It's a good compromise between total independence and still living with family. If it starts to fall to shit you can move back to the family home.

It’s just me the mother that is selfish

No, you and the father are both selfish. Poor boy.

You don't need a live-in boyfriend. Your son does need the presence of his mother.

Child before living with a man. Every time.